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I Am at a Loss..

5 years ago

Hello there. I am new here. I saw some other posts on being a stepmother that I can relate to. I want some advice on what I should do in this situation I'm in. Apologies for how long this is. But I really hope someone will help..

I am 25 years old. I started dating my boyfriend 2 years ago and I fell in love with him immediately. He has a 3 year old daughter, almost 4, which when I met her, she was 2. Like my boyfriend, I fell in love with her very fast. She was a sweetheart. I love kids and I was so glad that I could be apart of her life. Her mother, when the daughter was 2, was keeping her several days a week, and my boyfriend would get her maybe 2 or 3 times a week. They didn't have a court order, so my boyfriend would get her when he could. And when he did, we would have a blast. By the time we reached 3 months, I was already staying the night with my boyfriend at his dad's house and keeping the daughter at my mom and dad's house when he needed extra help.

Since the beginning of our relationship, since day 1, my boyfriend has accused me of cheating on him numerous times. I would say probably around the hundreds.. After about 4 or 5 months of being together, he confessed to me that he had cheated on me 2 months prior.. with the daughters mother. I don't know why he did it. But he was sincerely sorry. And something he included was that he didn't want his daughter to not have me around anymore.. among other things.

So I forgave him. I moved on. I didn't trust him for about 2 months, and then I started trusting him again. But still, to this day, he will ask me every now and again have I been cheating on him, or accuse me of such.

After about 6 months of being with each other, we started renting a house. I will admit, we rushed into this, but I was so excited to move out for the first time, share a place with him, and actually have a bedroom and open space for his daughter. Shortly after living together, BM and my boyfriend decided to split weeks with his daughter.. we would have her one week with her, BM would have her one week. And so on.

Now, watching your boyfriends daughter for a few hours and living with her are two different things. She was 2 and I finally got to see what she was REALLY like. She had turned from a sweetheart to a torturing device for me. For instance, she likes to play as all children do. But she could not find it in herself to play by herself sometimes. You had to play with her ALL the time or else she would throw the biggest fits, say the most hateful things, throw stuff. I mean it was bad.. if you had to stop playing with her to use the bathroom or go eat something, that was all she wrote.. I got excited when I got to go to work.

But for a whole year, I gave in to her. I played babydolls with her, took her places, ran around the house.. the WHOLE day. I felt bad if I did not play with her for hours on end. During this year, my boyfriend was not present, metaphorically speaking. He slept all day until he had to work while I got up and took care of his daughter. I bathed her, brushed her teeth, cooked for her, played with her. I thought I was doing a good thing and maybe he would figure out what he was doing was wrong. But it really took a long time before he came around after a thousand arguments. My parents even got into it.. ever since then, he's gotten better.. but it could be even better.

By the way, we are not married. I just insist on calling myself his daughters stepmom because I'm in love with both of them, and I do want to plan a future with them. But honestly, at this point, I am at a loss and I don't know what to do, or what the future holds for me..

Here it is present time. My boyfriends daughter is now 3 and she will be 4 next week. Keep in mind, I love this little girl. I do with all my heart. But in the last few months, I have distanced myself away from her and I hate it. But she is SO mean. I don't know why her attitude has gotten so much worse.. and most of it comes from being at her moms house. Here are some examples: She does not listen to a word I say, she says the most hateful things a normal 3 year old (in my opinion) would never say, she hits when she doesn't get her way, she's loud and very impolite. And lately, shes been treating me different when her dad isn't there. She's very hateful to me. She mouths off at me, she hits me, she screams to the top of her lungs, and she wants my full attention at ALL times. Just a week ago, she told me she didn't want me in her life because I told her it was bedtime. She' told her grandma that she was going to scratch her until she bled because grandma wouldn't pick her up. I bought her a stuffed animal at the zoo and when she saw it, she frowned at me and said she did not like it and that I needed to go buy her something better.

My boyfriend gives me the permission to spank her. He disciplines her very well. But when I'm alone, it doesn't matter if I spank her, take toys away, sit her in timeout-she still continues to treat me this way. I feel so bad about this but I'm at the point where I do not want to be around her anymore. My boyfriend works at least 5 days a week. I'm a nurse and I work 3 days a week. So I am taking care of her the majority of the time alone. And during that time, I feel like I am punishing her the WHOLE day, unless I am constantly playing with her.

When me and boyfriend started dating, all of us were happy spending time together. But now, I dread being with both of them at the same time. They constantly play rough with each other. I'm not a fan of that because this playing rough has taught her to hit and be violent. She hits her dad all the time but he doesn't correct her until it gets too rough. Sometimes my boyfriend will grab me while they're playing and tell his daughter to get me and she starts to hit me, get on top of me. And frankly, I don't like it.

Also, my boyfriend has gotten into a habit of disrespecting me in front of his 3 year old. For example, I made her a biscuit with jelly on it by request (after the Mac and cheese I made her that she didn't want so I threw it away) and she had to also complain about that. She wanted the jelly inside the biscuit and I told her that the jelly being on top was the same thing. My boyfriend decides to step in and says towards the daughter, "Yeah Jenny.. you know it's not good unless you put it inside the biscuit, ain't I right?" And gives his daughter a high five. Another example: the daughter and boyfriend were both messing around and screaming to the top of their lungs and were expecting me to do it with them and I didn't. I was tired and just got off my 12 hour shift with little sleep. So my boyfriend says, "Jenny, you are no fun.. Are you even apart of this family?" And then precedes to tell his daughter that He's the fun one.. not Jenny. He also mimics me in front of her which is why she mimics me now. She is so mean to me when we're alone and I told her the other day that she acts different when her dad isn't around. Her reply, "Yeah. Because I don't want him to know.."

And one last thing.. you ready? My boyfriend is trying to file full custody on his daughter as of now, because her mother decided to not be around anymore.

I don't know what to do. The easiest thing to tell me would be to leave. Yes, I know this. We're not married and she's not my biological daughter. But I feel if I leave I'm abandoning the daughter and leaving my boyfriend hanging with no help. I have sat down and talked to my boyfriend about the disrespecting and thinking that I'm cheating all the time and his daughter disrespecting me. But he rolls his eyes and it's all thrown back on me. He says she's only 3. But if she's acting like this now, how is she going to act when she's 13?

The other day (I promise I'm almost done) I was accused of cheating by my boyfriend. I had to drop his daughter off with her grandma to go to y work for something serious. I was only gone for 3 hours and then I took her back home. I told my boyfriend what I did and he accused me of getting rid of his daughter so I could go do whatever I want, maybe meet up with my ex or someone else. I cried my eyes out because when I'm told that I'm getting rid of his daughter, it hits me the wrong way. Where were you when I was taking care of her several hours a day last year?

I told myself that I was going to either sit down and talk with him ONE LAST TIME. And if things do not change, I'm leaving. Or should I just go ahead and leave? I have so much anxiety that I constantly have a tightness in my chest that won't go away, I cry all the time. It's my fault that I allow these things to happen.

What is your advice world? I know it's a lot to read but I wanted to provide as much info as I can.

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