Both of my adult children have needed help one time or another. Both of them have helped us one time or another. Each person is different in how they learn, grow and mature and I don't think helping your adult child is being too soft. ( Enabling them to continue being immature and irresponsible is another thing entirely. )

It is very interesting to me how different kids are. My DH has 4, I have 2. My youngest is totally on his own and thrives, my older needed some help and struggled a bit because he is a dreamer, super talented but a dreamer, which is difficult in this world. My DH's kids are all great people and the second oldest is the dreamer.

I am very soft in general and we help all the kids (no offense meant, but they are our kids) as much as we can, but we don't enable. They are really good people and sometimes need help. We all do.

We’ve been very fortunate in that my daughter has been on her own since she was 19. She’s been on the same job for many many years and is now married and living the dream. That however doesn’t mean that we, my dh (her step father) and I wouldn’t be there for either of them if the need arose, they know the door is always open.

I think it’s important for family to be there for one another and for our children to know there is always a soft place to land. In your case all parties are satisfied and flourishing, and that’s a good thing. For some though, the circumstances aren’t as sunny and that old saying “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink” comes to mind. Neither should be judged for the choices they make regarding a loved one. Every family has it’s own unique dynamic and every situation is different.

You are so right lukkirish......he drank( not literally). And recently I learned some surprising thing personally about my "heritage" and soft place to land was what I depended on. We all try to do our best and we all have struggles/questions.

Yes, to almost everything that has been said so far. Our DS needed help to purchase a very inexpensive mobile home so he could stop renting. We are carrying a "mortgage" for him. It is all by the book, with signed loan documents and us listed on the title as lienholders. He's never missed a payment. DD has been going to college for 7 years now, but is graduating this May with her BSN. It took her this long, as she has worked 2 jobs all the while she's been attending college. We were there when her car needed new brakes and rotors. We will always be there for both of them, but they know that if see them spending foolishly there is no help coming from our court.

Yes, we still do too. As long as they are doing the right thing, it is our pleasure to assist in the process.

I don't have kids but have been on the receiving end of help from my parents. Just the very fact that knowing they were there for me if I ever needed it gave me such a sense of security and peace of mind. That security allowed me to move far away from home and live in some wonderful places and ending up coming home again to help take care of them. If you can afford to help, it's a blessing and keeping your "welcome mat" always out there is comforting beyond belief.

Our children and grand know they can come home anytime. We are blessed that they have a good work ethic. To all of us family is everything and we all help each other as needs arise. Our son has helped his sister and she has helped him. We have all helped out the grand. They have all come, at one time or another, to help us with things we needed doing around the house. That is what family is to us...a soft place to land and helping hands when needed.

I agree with everything that has been said and said with compassion. Our sons are on their own with jobs in their chosen careers but they both, at 31 and 29 still call us for advice or drop home unexpectedly. The older lives about an hour a way and his SO is working abroad for a year so he's coming home and staying with us every weekend and is more than welcome to do so, He's lonely. He's away for a couple of weeks to visit his SO and was so excited! Our kids know we're there to help out with an ear or a hug or footing the dinner bill when we go out. :)

"That is what family is to us...a soft place to land and helping hands when needed." Wow, I got a couple tears in my eyes when I read that. That's what it is all about. I don't know how we could have managed during the early years of our marriage without help from my parents. My MIL had no money to spare but helped as she could, like giving us her old car. Both mothers were my only babysitters!

We've helped my older son, often wondering if we were just throwing our money away. Thank goodness we stuck with him because he is now very successful, both personally and financially.

I also help my younger son. He had some dental expenses, so I paid for that. He is so willing to help me and is a godsend in helping to care for my ancient mother.

Neither one has come home to live, but the door is always open.

Thankfully, my adult children have always been self-sufficient...but I was a single mother for 26 years after their father was killed, so my funds were very limited at the time, but I did see to it that they all received a college degree and all of the necessities of life, as well as a lot of their “wants”. I am glad that they have more financially than I do.

I try to find “little things” that money can not buy to do for them that seems to bring them pleasure and happinesses. For instance, I have so much extra time and my DIL and DS are extremely busy with both of their jobs and helping care for her mother who is extremely ill, so cooking time is non-existent; therefore, at least once a week, I cook for them...they come over and eat, visit with me for a while and I send leftovers home with them. It is a win-win for all of us...we have a good meal and some quality visiting time....and I get my much loved hugs when they leave. It makes me feel so good when DIL puts her arms around me and tells me that she is so thankful to have “the best mother-in-law in the world”.

But if something ever changes in any of my families needs, they know my arms and door are always open for any of them...I am always willing to do anything in my power to help...that is what family is for.

Yes compassion is a good way to put it. We were very poverty-ridden when our children were growing up. As a consequence we didn't have money to help them get into the best schools so that they can go to the best colleges Etc. DD and DS went to a local College and we paid for it because we could finally do something. It's the best thing we ever did. She finished College with honors and distinction and is 3 years into a very good career choice.

DS is disabled and has many social anxiety and other problems. He will probably never not live with us. We try with him all the time to give him a sense of accomplishment. He is a computer programmer thanks to our paying for it, as well as all of his living expenses. He has been doing some programming but will probably never be able to have a steady job. On top of everything else he gets so deeply depressed but has so many allergies he can't take many of the medications. We will never give up hope though. Still it is very frustrating!

Yeonassky, as long as you have life, never give up on hope! Blessings to your DS and you also.

My kids are 40, 36 and 26. We have helped all of them financially. In return, we can call them anytime if we need help around the property. That's becoming more often lately. We love them. Adore the grandkids. Love doing things and going places with them.

If one of them were to lose their home to some kind of disaster, or if they were in transition, they would be welcomed to come home for a short period.

If they can't afford where they're living then they need to find a cheaper place or get a better paying job. They cant come home to try and save up for a down payment, etc. That ship has sailed.

We enjoy the empty nest and would like to keep it this way.

We have an only, just turned 39, and have always helped her. She and her DH are solidly responsible with good stable jobs and she gives back to the community in volunteer positions, on the board and executive board of United Way etc. But they chose a very high COLA area for the outdoor lifestyle and we've helped them with housing (they could afford a nice house, but with a 30 mile snowy commute so we made it possible for them to live in a nice home right where they need to be for works, schools, etc.), plus luxuries and we are also their deep safety net (they do have savings) . On the other hand she is the most loving and responsible daughter oneone can ever dream to have, so while we give financially she gives back in so many ways. It's not a one way street, we are blessed by having her and blessed that we have the resourses to help.

Parenting isn't a job you retire from after 20 years. It's a lifetime position. You will always be the parent, they will always be the child.

In the end it is my hope every parent is content with the way their offspring are in the world. One day we will leave them behind and I sure hope it every parent desires said offspring will make it on their own.

There's a lot of wisdom here. I've been married 40 years, We chose not to have children. I don't regret that decision. I'm the oldest and only daughter. I helped my mother raise 5 boys. Never wanted the responsibility of that after I left home.

I love these stories. Thank you everyone for sharing.

I dunno, I left home at 21 right after college, found a job an apartment and never returned to live with my parents, tho we did phone often and I visited for holidays. I once asked for a loan of $1000 to buy a car but I paid it back within a year. Now I'm a 65 year old widow and own my own home (no mortgage) My own 2 daughters are now 28 and nearly 30. The older lives on her own but has asked me for help with credit cards and college loans. The younger lives with me and is married and her husnand fully supports them.

We're loving, generous and supportive but at key times and ages when they were younger we were not soft. Each has thanked us many times over for the tough love they got from time to time.

Being soft when a firmer touch is needed doesn't help a kid at all.

Agree, Elmer. Tough love can be hard sometimes, but it is the best/right thing to do in almost all cases.

After completing college and our 2 girls were out on their own for a year or so, we got a letter from each of them thanking us for raising them to be responsible caring adults with good work ethics so that they could succeed in their chosen fields.

Congrats to you, there's no more welcome a thank you than from your kids recognizing what you did for them. I'm sure you deserved it and more. And a further thank you is seeing that you helped them have dreams and work hard to achieve them.

Seagrass, your story mirrors my oldest sisters story almost to the tee. The only difference is 4 girls vs 5 boys. IMO it’s not a fair position to put an oldest child in, (though I know more times than not, it can’t be helped) Now that she’s in her early 60’s, I sometimes wonder or even worry that she may have regrets, I hope not.

elmer....you are an old softie

For us, parenting and having a medium sized family has been a great adventure for us and for them. Even when it was tough it was always a joy. We've been lucky but worked hard at it, they've been lucky and all have worked hard, and the outcomes have been beyond any of our reasonable expectations.At first I didn't want kids, my wife changed my mind, and I'm so glad she did.