What my parents did in the later years that I really appreciated was gifting their adult kids family heirlooms. They included a written description of the item and its history, and where possible, a photograph or two of the original owners. These thoughtful gifts were much more appreciated than regular 'stuff' we didn't need and could buy ourselves. And these items needn't be expensive -- just sentimental. (My favorite is a butter dish that belonged to my great-great-great-great-great-grandmother.)

Another possibility is a homemade gift -- Maybe Mom's and Grandma's favorite recipes collated into a cookbook? Or favorite childhood photos reprinted in a calendar? One year, my younger son put together a photo album filled with his artwork for Grandma.

Hubby's family does a Christmas greed game where everyone buys ONE gift that he or she would like, and we then draw numbers and steal from each other. Always inexpensive and fun.

For Christmas dinner, we do a big pot luck with prizes for the best dishes. Not a balanced meal? Who Cares!

The recession has hit hard here too. And we're in the same boat with our families -- mostly adult children. Normally we send $50US to each child. But this year -- we just can't do it. We're having a VERY quiet holiday time here. And might leave ANY and ALL gift giving to much later in the New Year -- when the major sales are on!

Jan at Rosemary Cottage

Last year we were in a situation. Our business had all but dwindled to smoke and our DD was recovering from a car accident when her DH got the lay off notice. There are 5 kids between the two of them.

Our immediate family (3 adult kids, youngest being 20 yo) decided the kids needed a Christmas before anyone else. So we put what money we had into providing a nice Christmas for the kids. Our gift to the rest of the family was Christmas dinner, which can get expensive for 30+ people.

We did buy our 20 year old (Max) a jar of hot peppers and some nice olives but that was it! We all decided Christmas is for kids first. This year, Max is working Christmas over three hours away. :+(. I have a fantasy about going out for Christmas dinner, with Max in San Francisco. It is just a fantasy though. I know I will be cooking for anyone who wants to come to dinner.

In my family Christmas is for kids. I've always thought it was weird that my in-laws still buy DH and I gifts for Christmas and birthdays. Don't get me wrong, I love my Louis bag, but it still feels weird.

My parents give each of our kids $500 for birthdays and Christmas, but nothing for their adult children because we have jobs and buy ourselves things.

As to how $ is doled out to adult children - that's a hot topic. My little bro was bitter and angry when our parents gave DH and I 50K for a down payment on our house. Never mind that I pd for college with scholarships and a full time job, never took gas money, and stopped taking $ from them since I got my first babysitting job at the age of 12. He took $ from them for everything including a couple of defaulted loans. He's not bitter anymore because they gave him their house when they moved to Atlanta.

Y'all are wonderful! This is good feedback and gives me much to think about already.

Jan (& anyone else who loves post-holiday sales), you might consider moving your family gift exchange to Epiphany. We did that when our children were small, and it was a great help to the budget. They had presents from others to open on Christmas, but their main gift (from us, in the name of the Three Kings) came on Jan. 6th.

Postum, I feel strongly about keeping financial aid/gifts equal, although dh doesn't always agree. My older siblings received much more than I did and felt very entitled about it. In our case, one child is likely to require more help due to medical issues and I don't know yet how to handle that. For the present, one issue is paying for airfare for the underemployed child to visit while the other lives within a short drive. So far, we've bought one a plane ticket and I've given the other $25 - 40 cash (depending on gas prices) needed to cover gas costs.

Speaking as a adult child... Mom "cut off" Christmas gifts to anyone under 18 some years back because she simply could not afford to spend the money on us all. You know what? We understood, and if your kids have a shred of compassion they will too. We didn't wail and gnash our teeth - it was really no big deal at all, we knew the score. Frankly, I'd much rather she definitely had the money to pay the electric bill!. If you were my mom, I'd MUCH rather you spent your money on keeping your wheels running or the roof intact - in fact, I'd feel pretty crappy if a single cent was spent on something as petty as a present for me when you're hip-deep in the outhouse.

Homemade gifts' ingredients/components can really add up - I was outright shocked last year when I realized how much it costs to make my fruitcake (I make a d@mn good fruitcake that even avowed fruitcake-haters love as long as I call it something like "holiday nut cake" LOL). A lot fewer people are getting fruitcakes this year, and I'll be pulling out the mini-bundt pans instead of the big ones!

How funny this is b/c my DH and I just had this conversation since our kids are now in their early twenties. Both are in school - Oldest is in law school and youngest is a junior/undergrad. We were talking about what we should do when they are both on their own. My thought was once they are married we will split up what we normally spend on each child between the couple. It is crazy what I hear other people spending on their kids on the holidays and birhdays. My folks usually gave us one gift at Christmas after we were married. It was not very expensive. My inlaws, on the other hand, went all out with a lot of gifts.

Honestly for us, Christmas is not about the gifts at all. It has religious meaning to our family and most importantly is it's a time for family and friends. I do agree about children, and making it special for them. That can be done though without spending $$$.

We have no children but I have 2 siblings and two sibling in-laws. My parents used to spend (or so we thought) too much on the 6 of us. They are retired now and we'd much rather see them spending the money on themselves and things they enjoy doing that us, their adult children, who all work and all of us are able to thankfully buy what we need, and then some. Several years ago we decided on no gifts. It had gotten to where we were exchanging gift cards or cash because it was soooo hard to come up with gift ideas. It's a very festive and special day to us. We enjoy the nice meal and time together more than anything.

My MIL insists on giving us a cash gift each year. We do appreciate it, don't get me wrong, but it has bothered me because it is a gift that doesn't require thought. We do gifts for her, she is widowed now and enjoys getting the gifts. It's extremely hard to come up with gift ideas for her!

To be honest, if someone were to ask me what I would like for Christmas, I can't even think of anything. Hubby and I do exchange gifts but sometimes we buy something for the house, which most of the time, I'd just as soon do. Gifts really are not a big part of Christmas to me.

If it will be hard on you to spend the $$$ for gifts, I wouldn't. If you could do as someone mentioned, give family items, I think that would be wonderful, and so much more meaningful! If not that, how about a collection of your recipes over the years, a family photograph, a special letter to each child, something along those lines?

I remember the year my mom made my sister and I Gunne Sax dresses (anyone remember those?). Those dresses were very pricey. My mom could sew like a whiz. My dad had a good job, but he was on strike for several months that year and mom was a SAHM - with three kids. We didn't suffer a bit that Christmas. The dresses were gorgeous, one-of-a-kind and both of us were thrilled with them. I still have mine. A gift from the heart. . .

tina

My family has dwindled down to DH DS DD Cooper and Bailey and me. My DH and I haven't given each other a gift for a long time. Last year we decided to make gifts for the kids who are in their 20s.I picked up a couple of light weight pans and camp cook gear, sewed a bag out of a piece of feed sack( don't worry not french) to hold it.I got it all at Goodwill.I also got a square frame and easel at the dollar store for a printed initial pic for my DD dorm room. My DH got into the act and made awesome wooden bookends to hold the Blue ceramic Chinese dogs I found on clearance ( $4) at Pier One. My son is a big LIVE fan and had ticket stubs,set list he liberated from a concert and a signed shirt. I made color copies on our printer of the tickets, autograph, CD cover art and the set list. I arranged a collage of all of the items around the set list and framed it in a black frame I had gotten super cheap.
I made scented sugar scrub complete with a cute label for my DD, and made a sea salt soak with manly label for my DS- sea salt dried lavendar, and some other herbs.
I also found a fun pair of long elegant white gloves at Goodwill and put them in a yardsale black beaded evening bag- for formals at college.
DS wrote special poems for us. DD gave me a certificate for a pedicure, makeup advice and shopping with my favorite fashionista( DD)
We have cut back on the emphasis on holiday food anyway so we just had a relaxed simple meal in front of the fire. just we 4( and the guys)
We had a blast and made a couple of other things too. With jsut the 4 of us, and using a lot of supplies we already had it was super cheap especially since Weds is 20% off for seniors at Goodwill,( have to be 55 and its the only place I admit my age)
We have always made sure the gifts are equal in number and $$ for our kids.

Our children aren't independent yet, so I will speak as an adult child. I know that both my parents (3 kids) and my in-laws (4 kids) always try to keep everything fair amongst the kids. I understand that, but sometimes it gets a little weird. For example, my SIL and family live in Maine, so it costs a pretty penny for the 5 of them to fly to Texas whereas we drive to the inlaws. Well, my in-laws buy their plane tickets and then turn around and give the other three siblings an amount equal to the cost of the tickets in cash above and beyond the cash gifts they give to their kids and grandkids. I understand fairness, but sometimes one child might need special help which has certainly been the case with our oldest.

My parents and in-laws give DH and I $1,000 at Christmas, and give the grandkids anywhere between $300-$500 each. My in-laws don't give us gifts for birthdays anymore, but they send the grandkids anywhere from $100-$200 each. My parents give DH and me a $100 bill for our birthdays and give our kids $100 each also. I always hide mine and save it for something special just for me like a facial. DH usually uses his to buy his hunting license.

I realize that our parents are very generous, but they have certainly created expectations and feelings of entitlement for our children which I do not think is a good thing. To me, holidays are about being together and grateful for our blessings. In that spirit, DH and I have cut way back on gifts for our own kids at Christmas because it was out of hand. Now that they are older, they usually get some small gifts and one larger gift. We spend the same amount on all three.

My kids are still just 14 and 12, so I'll speak as an adult child.

Several years ago, DH's family (totalling his parents, 3 brothers, plus 2 spouses, 1 girlfriend, and grandchildren), decided to draw names. (Grandkids were fair game) Each of us drew 1 name for a gift with a $50 limit. We then also purchased a "gag" gift for that person's spouse/SO with a max of $10. The first year we did that, we were all together. I will tell you that although the $50 gifts were all appreciated, it was those gag gifts that were by far the best. We were all in hysterics for over an hour. That taught us a valuable lesson.

This year, we are dropping the drawing and just buying for the kids/grandchildren.

We just didn't feel that any of us needed to be spending as much money this year.

With my parents, they have continued to give us gifts, typically pajamas or housecoats or slippers or things of that nature. Things that are useful but not extravagent.

I agree that if money is tight, your adult children should certainly understand. The concept of going into debt for Christmas is absolutely insane. It's supposed to be a celebration, not a cause for anxiety over money.

This year, I'm just really, really hoping my parents can come down here for Christmas. We haven't spent Christmas with them for many years. Mom really is beyond the point of being able to do a Christmas dinner, but it's something she really enjoys. I'd like to be able to do that for her.

Mandie

johnmari -- I adore fruitcake! And I'd love to try some of your lovely cake for Yule! In fact -- our wedding cake filling was the VERY traditional Scots fruitcake (all raisins (sultanas and golden) and golden cake) Mum nixed the marzipan (she never liked it! LOL!) so it was frosted with very plain icing and borders (much to the dismay of the baker who was used to do "all them fancy swirls")

Every Holiday season -- I hang my grandma's handwritten recipe for her fruitcake along with a VERY old store recipt that I found in an antique shop.

The receipt had the ingrediants for a fruitcake -- and I actually contacted the town and they wrote back with all kinds of information for me -- about the old store! So I had the receipt and the recipe framed for the kitchen.

I now buy Walkers fruitcake and follow the "family" tradition of dribbling brandy on it every few days ..... LOL! And of course -- a true Walkers pudding is necessary for alighting after dinner!

Jan

My Mom still gives us Christmas gifts, but we tell her to stop. She quit birthday gifts, now just a card, and a tiny amount to the grandkids in their cards. My MIL gives us gifts for all occasions, and that REALLY bugs us because she's on a fixed income and we don't like her spending that much money. She insists on buying the kids (and their partners now) gifts too. Last year I told her to just buy them some fancy cookies we saw at a craft show. They were about $1 each, and she conceded. But she went behind my back and ended up buying them all gifts, spending at least $25 each...and at 6 kids, that was way more than she should have spent. She also buys extravagant(for her) gifts for BIL, SIL and her grown step-children and their kids.

Every year I tell the kids no more gifts, but they don't listen, and shower DH and each other with far too much. And, well, we do the same. And when I realized that I was also filling stockings for everyone (all guests get one) AND providing dinner, snacks & drinks for the gathering...I found I was spending way over my usual budget.

So this year I'm adamant about not gifting with material things. I like the idea of heirlooms...right now my kids aren't settled enough to do that, but I might get them a pic of DH and I...I think they'd like that. And I'll still provide the feast, as long as they all come over with the guitar hero games!

Plus, my kids are at opposite ends of the financial spectrum...one a starving undergrad, one working full-time but not making enough to be flush, and another about to marry a doctor. I help them out as I can, financially for two, dog sitting for the other. They won't ask for money, but we've done things like putting tires on our DD's truck, bringing over a bag of groceries for DS, and taking DD2 to dinner.

Put me down for fruit cake too. My sister has the best receipe that is so moist and delicious.

Harry and David has a good one too. Johnmari I bet your's is delicious, yummy.

.....Jane

I am the adult kid here (scary, ha) with a 16 month old and I didn't have a job to go back to after maternity leave with no prospects (I'm an architect and 80% of architects in my county are currently laid off) so things are a bit tight here as well and I am doing the handmade/homemade gift thing as well. Both of my nieces have their ears pierced so they are getting a hand painted and lined jewelry box and an inexpensive pair of earrings for christmas and my parents/inlaws are getting a book of photos of our son (blurb.com allows you to publish "real" nice quality books and I have been working on it on and off for nearly a year adding photos as I get them - this one covers just his first year). That's about it.

My parents are financially much better off than we are. We moved back to a very high cost of living area and purchased a house about a year before the height of the market and now I'm laid off whereas my dad is retired with a very nice pension and my mom bought her company a few years ago and is doing well with it and they are VERY generous with us. If the situation ever flips - well let's put it this way, there is no way I'd spend money on an expensive trip while my parents were living out of a crock pot because they could not afford a new stove! (though I would not get them a Wolf).

I say as a parent you need to listen to your instinct. When we make sacrifices for our children it's because it feels right and because we want them to have a good life. It sounds like you have given them a good start to a good life and they are not babies anymore. You do what makes you feel right... and my parents are pretty tight-lipped about what they do for each sibling because frankly it's no one's business except the people actually involved. I think this is a good policy - your other kids do not need to know if you are helping out one of your kids who needs it more. JMHO - and it should not be part of gifts, just something you do because you can (no raiding your own retirement fund because then the burden will be on your kids to take care of you LATER) and want to.

As far as gifts, I urge you to sit down and think about what would make YOU feel good to give them. I'm sure there are things you can come up with that don't cost a lot of money. If it's just about the money making you feel good then you should probably reevaluate what the holidays are to you. There is a LOT in between "socks n underwear" and giving an extravagant gift you cannot afford.

For those of you who worry about the money spent by your parents on gifts, stop. The parents are deriving joy out of gift-giving, so you should appreciate it. None of your relatives will have to skip meals to give you and your children gifts. They will stop gifting before it comes to that. If you are already lending or giving them money for support, continue doing it with a happy heart and no strings attached, and allow them the dignity of giving gifts in return.

In my extended family, we do a drawing among the adults and the gifts to adults have a price limit. Everyone gives gifts to the young kids, but--for the most part--the parents are the ones who spend more. I know that I kept my gifts to my nephews at >$20 per kid.

We have a number of single adults in my extended family, and I know that they would receive nothing at all for Christmas if it weren't for the family exchange we do. I think it's just a nice way for us to all show affection for one another. It's also a way to make sure that everyone feels included in the holiday.

As a parent of a 32 year old only child, I'm afraid we spend too much each year. Sometime Christmas is the only time we see him, because he lives away and is very busy, like everyone else. We do not have to send him money or support him in any way. Fortunately he likes vintage things and I spend a lot of time combing TS during the year. My in-laws are on a very fixed budget and they quit buying birthday presents when everyone turned 30. MIL works is the chruch thrift store now and all our gifts come from there and I swear they are the best gifts we've ever received from them. Last year we took my son and MIL on cruise for thier gift.(FIL would not go). We had the best family time ever and I will not feel guilty about the money spent. You can have great times with or without extravegant gifts.

Again, this conversation has been so eye-opening and helpful. Just to make something clear, though; we're not in dire straits, we're simply very concerned about not depleting the emergency fund and would like to replenish it before replacing the range and the old van. I'd just gotten the emergency fund back to our comfort level and was even starting to make headway on the fund for the range when another house catastrophe hit. Some folks would look at our cash reserves and not think twice about those purchases, but the last two years have made us revert to our more frugal ways.

Texanjana mentioned something familiar, too. My children became used to very generous checks from their grandparents on birthdays and Christmas. Those stopped this year. I let them know a few weeks ago, in case they were counting on that money for some trip or purchase. They were concerned about the reason for the change, but not at all about not receiving the checks.

Dh's family used to do a gift exchange like Sovra mentioned. Unfortunately, a few people failed to buy a gift for their intended recipient and it caused hard feelings, especially when the ones not getting a present were young children. Dh & I now send a gift for his parents, and also send small family gifts (popcorn tins, gingerbread house kits, etc.) to the ones we keep in touch with still.

Kgwlisa, I love your photo book idea. We did something similar a few times for the grandparents, and it was always their favorite gift that year. I agree with you about never raiding the retirement fund, too. One of the best gifts my dad gave me was to make sure he and mother were provided for in their old age.

Dh & I talked about these posts last night, and I think we're in agreement now about how much to spend and what (in general) to purchase. Now we have to wait to see if our kids will even be able to come home for the holidays.

My side of the family has gotten too big for gift exchanges, so we do buy gifts for the kids, but otherwise, we just get together and have a good time, and all the adults agree we don't even miss the gifts or the running around required to obtain them.

My husband's family, on the other hand, is tiny - he has no siblings, so it's just his parents, my step-son, and one family friend who is part of all of our holidays and gift exchanges.

DHs mother just retired from factory work and his dad is still doing factory work. They have never made much money. However, they spend a ton of money on us for Christmas. I learned a long time ago never to give MIL a list of gift ideas, no matter how many times she asks me for one, as she'll go out and buy every item on the list.

Every year she buys so many expensive things for my step-son. She bought him a very pricey telescope three years ago he has not used once! Last year, he received several big ticket items - she probably spent a thousand bucks on the kid. She asked him already what he wants this year, and even though he tells us he doesn't need anything, he has thought about it and is telling her a digital camera, software for his computer and a PS3, even though he doens't even play his PS2 much anymore. She'll buy every one of those items and then some. I keep drilling into him that she needs to save for retirement, so please go easy on her. (But he's 14 and still thinks he'll play pro baseball one day and money won't be a problem.)

This causes my DH to want to spend more money on his parent's gifts because they spend so much on us. Which sort of ticks me off because we don't spend any money on my family and a ton on his???? Sigh.

I want her to use her money for retirement, not buy us stuff. Otherwise, she'll end up living with us sooner than later! ;) She's very sweet and I appreciate her generosity, but I am so not materialistic and pretty minimalist. I don't want her to think I'm ungrateful - I just don't want/need anything.

I have suggested we all adopt a family together instead, so we've done that, but then she still buys gifts.

Oy.

teacats and newdawn, I'll post the fruitcake recipe in the next day or two. (teacats, I absolutely adore marzipan, but I've never put it on a fruitcake. I don't frost it with anything but I serve it with barely-sweetened whipped cream cheese to spread onto slices if the diner so chooses; for the ones I ship I include a little container of it.)

sherrmann, my beloved mother WOULD be floating (and bouncing) checks and skipping meals to buy Christmas gifts if we didn't lay down the law. There is very little dignity in having collection agencies calling in February because you've blown money you didn't have for Christmas, unless you have a very different definition of dignity than I do.

I rarely come to the conversations side, but I was bored tonight so I came here. I am so glad I did. Reading these posts, it has given me the backbone I needed to cut down. We usually go all out, and with the recession and some extra expenses, we just don't need to do that. I see now that I don't need to continue giving extravagant gifts that aren't really appreciated much anyway.

I think one of the problems for me is that DD1 is extremely jealous. DS has mental problems, and we have spent a ton of money on him in the last few years (and it will probably not stop any time soon). DD2 understands completely, but DD1 is so mad she will not even return my emails. We try to be fair in all gifts, but feel like DS can not help his mental problems, and we are just thankful that we can help him right now.

Thanks to all who posted. I feel now that I can give small gifts without apology, and without feeling guilty.

I think every family must come to their own resolve about Christmas gifts but I do have one thing to add. This is a huge pet peeve of mine and it's in regards to my mother in law.

She is forever complaining about "having too many grandchildren." She now has 8. She used to have 9 until we had a horrific family tragedy. I love my MIL but she gives the worst gifts ever. One year I received a freebie umbrella with her bank logo on it. Didn't last through the first storm. Last year I got a mini broom and dustpan from the dollar store. We always buy her something very nice. A leather coat, expensive comfort shoes, etc.

She is financially set. She is just cheap. LOL! The kids used to get ill fitting clothing (a sweater two sizes too small) from the outlet stores, purchased so long before Christmas they couldn't be exchanged for a proper fit. Oy.

Finally I had enough. When she complained about "too many grand kids", I reminded her that we already lost one baby so which one did she want to lose next. Her too many grand children mantra ended with me that day but I hear she still complains to other siblings.

I finally convinced her she was throwing away her money by buying the kids clothing that was not returnable without asking for proper sizes from the parents first. To give her credit, she finally agreed with me (after about 5 or 6 years). Now he gives each grand child a card and $5. It *is* a much better gift than a too small sweater doomed for the thrift store.

My point is, whatever you chose to do, do it willingly and thoughtfully. My mom never had enough grand children. She died with 22. She didn't have a pot to pee in but her gifts were always given with love, thought and generosity.