birthday gifts for adult children
merry_maid
13 years ago
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sushipup1
13 years agoOklaMoni
13 years agoRelated Discussions
estrangement from adult children
Comments (93)Wow! I thought my son was bad but still ... I can relate on some level to these comments and stories. I always say no one can break your heart like your own child. It's a different kind of heartbreak that slices through to your soul. My son is a good young man but man oh man is he stubborn. Stubborn to the point it's heartbreaking. Just got off the phone with him asking what are his plans for the future. His response was, "You know, I am not going to talk to you because you just disrespected and insulted me." I'm thinking, "How on earth is asking what your future plans are disrespecting and insulting?" He just doesn't want to plan a future, no goal, no college, nothing. Next he'll go on silence for a while. Mind you, he was married a little over a year ago, New Year's Eve 2013. After I told him he's too young at 25. Young in terms of not planning a future. He went and married anyways to prove me wrong. Well, I was right, now he's going through a divorce. His wife is divorcing for the same reason I am questioning him ... no ambition. But he can't see the ocean because of the waves. My son is an only child who has had the best life. Better than all his cousins by a long shot but he can't see this either. He complains and blames. For what?! I have no idea. I made his life so comfortable. Yes, it is narcissism. He feels he doesn't have to do anything. Both his father and I, who never married are products of education. We both pursued college degrees and entered the workforce. His father was never really a part of his life but he sent monetary support. Me, I was the sole breadwinner with a nice career that I grew tired of and now back in college to make a career change. So I have no idea how to motivate him and at times feel I am at fault. Thank you oilpainter for your words, " Their actions are THEIRS not yours, and it does not mean you have no value." I was struggling a bit after the phone call till I read your words. Maybe it's me and my expectations. Well, I'm going to heed the words I've lived with all my life that have served me well - If you don't know what to do then pray. And I'm going to speak with a therapist. I need some counseling. One child, two children, three children ... it doesn't matter. I have one and it's just as hard....See Moremothers estranged from adult children
Comments (14)I joined just to post this since I think it will help to just put it out there. I have 3 children, a son and 2 daughters. My 21 yr. old son, the oldest, has yet again decided to cut me off. My son started to have behavioral issues somewhere around 14. At first it was manageable, but over the years things got worse. At one point he was hospitalized (involuntarily) and he also stole my car in an attempt to drive out of state to see a girl. (he did not have a driver’s license) Throughout this, his level of disrespect, anger, lying, lack of maturity and overall moody behavior grew to a point where everyone in the house walked on eggshells around him. The thing is, because of my own upbringing (see below), I refused to give up on him. I know he is smart, loving and good kid underneath the problems. We, I and my husband, were willing to stick it out while he sorted his life out, got on a path of self-reliance and moved out like all kids do. Earlier this year things came to a head. He decided that once again the rules didn’t apply to him and he stayed out all night drinking and doing drugs, neither of which are allowed in our household. We basically told him that this wasn’t acceptable and after a heated argument, he stormed out. He later called my sister and she picked him up and took him to her house, which on the surface would seem fine, but not in this case. A bit of relevant backstory- I come from a big, complicated family. 6 older siblings, a mother who ditched us when I was an infant, multiple alcoholics, multiple marriage/divorces and generally a drama filled bunch. The only sane one was my dad and he passed away when I was 17. Up until last year I had confidence, abandonment and trust issues, but only around my siblings. It was like I was a different person around them and I realized it was because I just didn’t want any drama, regardless of how it negatively affected me. Finally, at 40 yrs. old I decided enough was enough. I started standing up for myself and stopped being the push over that my dysfunctional family/siblings had grown accustomed to. This, of course, did not sit well with them. Now the specific sister who picked up my son that day has a habit of making decisions for me, being judgmental and sometimes, just downright degrading to me. We had been butting heads over me not taking crap from people any longer and she pounced on this opportunity to lash out at me. She decided it was a great time to interject her opinion into the situation. She proceeded to tell my son he could stay there for as long as he wanted, rent and rule free, basically undermining us. She then decided to come over to my home and insult me by calling me a host of vial names because I told her that she crossed a boundary and that it was not acceptable. After the barrage of insults, I told her that she was being disrespectful and she needed to leave. We have not spoken since. My son on the other hand came home after about 6 weeks because he missed us. (his words) He got a job, bought a car and things appeared to be going well. We actually thought he was on the right path and we would be helping him move into his own place in a couple of months. Then things went south again. 2 months ago he started hanging out with his old friends, he started stealing again, smoking weed, drinking and finally he got fired for calling in too much. All through this, he is growing more disrespectful to us and after he stayed out all night parting again, we told him we had enough, he would need to make arrangements to move out at the end of the month. We would no longer be providing a free ride for his party habits. What we didn’t know is that my sister had been speaking to him this whole time, telling him he could come back there, no rent, no rules. So I feel like on some level he purposely caused problems so that he could justify/blame us for having to go back to my sisters. So here we are now. His little sisters haven’t heard from him since he left, my sister and son are manipulating each other, feeding off of each other’s anger towards me and creating a mess that I frankly have no idea how to clean up. I’m left to sit here wondering how long it will take for my son to see the truth of the situation, if he ever does. I’m having an especially hard time today because tomorrow is his birthday. If I text him a simple happy birthday, I’ll get a nasty reply. (I’ve tried in the past) If I say nothing tomorrow, it will be another piece of ammo that can be thrown at me in the future. I basically can’t lose either way. I just don’t know how to move on. Some days are okay, others I’m a mess. All my old insecurities are creeping back up and I don’t know how to stop them from consuming me....See Moredealing with adult children and step children
Comments (9)I wouldn't use the word "wrong", but I would call it perhaps short-sighted and lacking in awareness. You seem to have no idea HOW or WHY the problem between your children, your husband and yourself developed. Why is it that you don't have any insight into this? Have you ever tried counseling or even a good heart-to-heart with any of your kids? have you sat down and pondered what might be underlying their distance? (I'm not presuming you haven't, I am just asking.) The children you gave birth to are too important (and not just them themselves, but to YOU as their mother) to not probe this deeper. By insisting that you delve int the source of the problem, I am not necessarily assuming that your kids have a great reason for keeping their distance from you and your husband. Their reasons may range from completely valid to terribly selfish, or --if they're like most people--- some combination or somewhere in between. They would certainly not be the first children of divorce in blended families to have such mixed feelings, or to find it hard to connect with their role in the newly blended family. They also wouldn't be the first to have some unresolved anger, or an attitude about it, not necessarily because you or your husband have done anything so awful but simply because of the fact that their family is not what it once was. Often, unfortunately, this kind of deep-seated upset can manifest by the kids choosing ---consciously or unconsciously--- to keep their distance, knowing no other way to effectively deal with feelings they may not even fully recognize in themselves. You are asking for a reasonable amount of consideration from your kids, but I would ask on their behalf for a reasonable amount of consideration on your end as to what their underlying needs and feelings might be. I don't know your kids, but maybe you don't know them as well as you could, either. It's possible they truly are despicable oafs who are no longer worth your time or consideration. But wow, what a thing to say/feel about your own kids. Is that really how you want it? I doubt it, or you wouldn't be on here asking about it. I might also ask you at this point what sort of input your husband and stepchildren have on the matter of your kids. Do they encourage you to explore the issues or seek counseling or literature on the subject of blended families? Do they express any empathy for what it may feel like to have been in your kids' shoes, post-divorce? Are they welcoming when your kids are around? Basically: are they a force for trying to build bridges or do they encourage you to build walls? Again, I am not assuming they are or are not one way or the other... just that this can have a big impact on the cohesiveness of the blended family and either ease or exacerbate tensions and distance......See MoreSetting limits on gifts for adult step-children
Comments (27)I am probably going to get a boo or hiss but I am not sure why a sane ex-wife couldn't attend her ex-husbands funeral. Remember at one time there was enough love to marry and create a family. I think there may be much more to the Kasem story then we are privy to. I am sure I am not the only one who is on both sides of the wife thing. Now that my children are adults and my ex's SK's are adults finances are really getting diverted. At least with child support my kids were getting some thing. My ex is the main bread winner in his home. She stopped working as soon as she could. My children raised by me are very independent and financially secure. Her children are not. They are now "helping" hers out. I know if my ex dies before her my children will not see a Penny. Do not get me wrong, I expect her to live off their accumulated funds but I suspect my kids will be out of the will and all the money go to her children. I fortunately, do not have any of those issues with my SK. It was not so years ago though. The issue was not with SK but mom not having enough money and backing out of things all the time. I for one love that my SK is an adult and I love the time we spend together. Once a parent though always a parent and there will always be reasons for interaction....See Morebigack
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