birthday gifts for adult children
15 years ago
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15 years ago
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Christmas/other gifts for adult children?
Comments (24)I am the adult kid here (scary, ha) with a 16 month old and I didn't have a job to go back to after maternity leave with no prospects (I'm an architect and 80% of architects in my county are currently laid off) so things are a bit tight here as well and I am doing the handmade/homemade gift thing as well. Both of my nieces have their ears pierced so they are getting a hand painted and lined jewelry box and an inexpensive pair of earrings for christmas and my parents/inlaws are getting a book of photos of our son (blurb.com allows you to publish "real" nice quality books and I have been working on it on and off for nearly a year adding photos as I get them - this one covers just his first year). That's about it. My parents are financially much better off than we are. We moved back to a very high cost of living area and purchased a house about a year before the height of the market and now I'm laid off whereas my dad is retired with a very nice pension and my mom bought her company a few years ago and is doing well with it and they are VERY generous with us. If the situation ever flips - well let's put it this way, there is no way I'd spend money on an expensive trip while my parents were living out of a crock pot because they could not afford a new stove! (though I would not get them a Wolf). I say as a parent you need to listen to your instinct. When we make sacrifices for our children it's because it feels right and because we want them to have a good life. It sounds like you have given them a good start to a good life and they are not babies anymore. You do what makes you feel right... and my parents are pretty tight-lipped about what they do for each sibling because frankly it's no one's business except the people actually involved. I think this is a good policy - your other kids do not need to know if you are helping out one of your kids who needs it more. JMHO - and it should not be part of gifts, just something you do because you can (no raiding your own retirement fund because then the burden will be on your kids to take care of you LATER) and want to. As far as gifts, I urge you to sit down and think about what would make YOU feel good to give them. I'm sure there are things you can come up with that don't cost a lot of money. If it's just about the money making you feel good then you should probably reevaluate what the holidays are to you. There is a LOT in between "socks n underwear" and giving an extravagant gift you cannot afford....See Moremothers estranged from adult children
Comments (14)I joined just to post this since I think it will help to just put it out there. I have 3 children, a son and 2 daughters. My 21 yr. old son, the oldest, has yet again decided to cut me off. My son started to have behavioral issues somewhere around 14. At first it was manageable, but over the years things got worse. At one point he was hospitalized (involuntarily) and he also stole my car in an attempt to drive out of state to see a girl. (he did not have a driver’s license) Throughout this, his level of disrespect, anger, lying, lack of maturity and overall moody behavior grew to a point where everyone in the house walked on eggshells around him. The thing is, because of my own upbringing (see below), I refused to give up on him. I know he is smart, loving and good kid underneath the problems. We, I and my husband, were willing to stick it out while he sorted his life out, got on a path of self-reliance and moved out like all kids do. Earlier this year things came to a head. He decided that once again the rules didn’t apply to him and he stayed out all night drinking and doing drugs, neither of which are allowed in our household. We basically told him that this wasn’t acceptable and after a heated argument, he stormed out. He later called my sister and she picked him up and took him to her house, which on the surface would seem fine, but not in this case. A bit of relevant backstory- I come from a big, complicated family. 6 older siblings, a mother who ditched us when I was an infant, multiple alcoholics, multiple marriage/divorces and generally a drama filled bunch. The only sane one was my dad and he passed away when I was 17. Up until last year I had confidence, abandonment and trust issues, but only around my siblings. It was like I was a different person around them and I realized it was because I just didn’t want any drama, regardless of how it negatively affected me. Finally, at 40 yrs. old I decided enough was enough. I started standing up for myself and stopped being the push over that my dysfunctional family/siblings had grown accustomed to. This, of course, did not sit well with them. Now the specific sister who picked up my son that day has a habit of making decisions for me, being judgmental and sometimes, just downright degrading to me. We had been butting heads over me not taking crap from people any longer and she pounced on this opportunity to lash out at me. She decided it was a great time to interject her opinion into the situation. She proceeded to tell my son he could stay there for as long as he wanted, rent and rule free, basically undermining us. She then decided to come over to my home and insult me by calling me a host of vial names because I told her that she crossed a boundary and that it was not acceptable. After the barrage of insults, I told her that she was being disrespectful and she needed to leave. We have not spoken since. My son on the other hand came home after about 6 weeks because he missed us. (his words) He got a job, bought a car and things appeared to be going well. We actually thought he was on the right path and we would be helping him move into his own place in a couple of months. Then things went south again. 2 months ago he started hanging out with his old friends, he started stealing again, smoking weed, drinking and finally he got fired for calling in too much. All through this, he is growing more disrespectful to us and after he stayed out all night parting again, we told him we had enough, he would need to make arrangements to move out at the end of the month. We would no longer be providing a free ride for his party habits. What we didn’t know is that my sister had been speaking to him this whole time, telling him he could come back there, no rent, no rules. So I feel like on some level he purposely caused problems so that he could justify/blame us for having to go back to my sisters. So here we are now. His little sisters haven’t heard from him since he left, my sister and son are manipulating each other, feeding off of each other’s anger towards me and creating a mess that I frankly have no idea how to clean up. I’m left to sit here wondering how long it will take for my son to see the truth of the situation, if he ever does. I’m having an especially hard time today because tomorrow is his birthday. If I text him a simple happy birthday, I’ll get a nasty reply. (I’ve tried in the past) If I say nothing tomorrow, it will be another piece of ammo that can be thrown at me in the future. I basically can’t lose either way. I just don’t know how to move on. Some days are okay, others I’m a mess. All my old insecurities are creeping back up and I don’t know how to stop them from consuming me....See Morereconnecting with estranged adult 'children'
Comments (152)I am recently estranged from my 26 year old son. It happened last summer after what was supposed to be a wonderful family trip to Hawaii. We invited my oldest son and his wife to come along with us, all expenses paid. We had been fortunate to have free air travel due to mileage. To make a long story short, are daughter in law has never liked us. Almost as soon as I met her I told my husband that she was very comfortable with us (i.e. lack of respect!) As soon as they were engaged I started hearing about things I had done that 'hurt her badly," from my son. This went on up to the wedding, with me continually apologizing and making amends for crimes I didn't commit. My husband told my son at the wedding that we really wanted his wife to call us Mom and Dad now, not by our first names which she had been given permission to address us by (reluctantly.) Since we had so much turmoil in the 1 1/2 that they were engaged, we thought it best to stay out of their lives as much as possible so that perhaps she would feel more secure and comfortable with us. We wanted them to know we weren't going to be interfering. We stuck by our guns, but continually were insulted by the way she conducts herself with us at get togethers. She acts bored, doesn't join in on the conversation, and is generally awful to be around. My son never seemed to notice her behavior, or if he did he ignored it out of his feelings for her. I should say also that my son had very little experience with dating, and no other serious relationship before he met this girl. I should also say that I believe she mislead him as to what her values were so that she would measure up to what he wanted, just so that he would marry her. A year before our trip to Hawaii we decided to invite them with us and our youngest son. I made it clear to my son that I didn't want to know an answer from him so that if they didn't want to go we wouldn't assume it was she who decided it. I also made it clear straight away that we wanted this to be a family vacation, i.e. do things together most of the time. My son had no problem with that, yet as the time drew nearer I kept getting odd phone calls questioning how much time I meant by most. From the minute they showed up at our door at 7am the morning of the trip I knew it was not going to be good. Most people on their way for 10 days expenses paid to Hawaii would be so excited and in a good mood, right? Not my DIL, she looked like she'd rather be doing anything else. She didn't talk to us in the car, on the plane, etc. Thankfully my husband and I sat together and the three of them sat together. My two sons conversed most of the trip, but my DIL did her own thing and tried to sleep. Hawaii was a nightmare. From the start of getting there they were off on their own. We'd have dinner together and she wouldn't join in and acted bored to tears. When we did spend time together she and my son would be off by themselves, while the three of us walked alone. Finally near the end of the trip it came to a boiling point. My husband took my sons out for a beer and confronted my son about his wife's behavior. My son admitted he had noticed her being quiet. Apparently my son came back and talked to his wife about it since by the next morning she had locked him out of the condo bedroom. My son was beside himself, so my husband managed to get his wife out of their bedroom and outside to talk. My husband is very good at calming emotional situations as he does this quite often in his job. Though he talked to her, she just claimed that she has the type of personality where she'd rather listen. Of course this didn't jive with a few experiences we had in Hawaii where we joined up with friends of my son and DIL that happened to be there. When we were with their friends she was the life of the party, talking, laughing and carrying on. Still my husband talked with her, explained how we were feeling, lsitened to her side and came back to the condo with her announcing to us all that she didn't mean anything by her behavior, that she is just introspective! We spent the last day in Maui with all of us together, but her behavior was just a bit better then it had been. Since my son and I had had words also over the tension, I'd say it was still tense when we got back home even though we had basically made up. The rest of the summer was discussing, arguing, and hearing what we are sure was an out and out lie for her behavior on our trip. She didn't tell my son about this until she was confronted, and my son wouldn't tell me anything other than they had got bad news while in Hawaii. Finally after me pressing him for the bad news by stating we were worried (which we were,) he told me that his wife had thought she had a miscarriage. I asked if she was late, if they were trying, why did she think she had a miscarriage? He told me no to all my questions, and stated she thought she saw something. If she had been pregnant and had lost the baby at two weeks there certainly wouldn't be any evidence she could see. Still, we couldn't accuse her of lying to our son. Also, even though she had a cell phone that would allow her to call the states for a local rate, it never occured to her to call her dr., her mom, or talk to me. She was 'too embarassed' to talk to me because she is so afraid of having a miscarriage because allegedly her mother had several. To think my son fell for this line is absolutely amazing, but then it was ingenuis since most men wouldn't have a clue. It wasn't until she was home that she found out from 'someone' that she didn't miscarry. This was according to my son. Now if that someone had been a dr., I'm sure she would have stated dr., not someone. After her escapade in Hawaii we told our son she could no longer address us by our first names, that we wanted her to call us Mr. & Mrs. as before due to her obvious lack of respect for us. We didn't state the respect part to our son as the reason though. She refused to do so, causing so much anguish for our son. Mind you my son has been seeing a therapist since they got married, and is on medication. His wife however doesn't go to therapy or take meds that we know of. After a tumultuous fall, it reached the breaking point one night when he called with a list of 'issues' he had with us. This is a son who we used to have a wonderful relationship with, and all of a sudden we had wronged him. After a raging arguement at their condo where my son wouldn't let us in his apartment to discuss things, threatened to call the police, and finally had me reacting emotionally by calling my DIL a b*@ch. This was followed by my son calling me a F'ing b*@ch. I was crushed. The next few days were hell, and by day three I emailed my DIL and apologized for my emotional outburst. I put a return receipton the email and copied my son in so that I would know they both saw my apology. She never opened it. My son finally opened it 3 or 4 days after I sent it, but not reply, nothing. I was so angry that even after my apology that he didn't react that I wrote a three page letter listing all the things that had gone on in the past 3.5 years and also a few jabs. It was an email which is all to easy to write and send off before you have time to let everything you said sink in. I'll never send an angry email again, from now on it gets saved as a draft and given some time to think about. Still, even though my email was very blunt, my husband and younger son said I was right in what I had said. I probably could have left out a few remarks that were very sarcastic though, and I'm sure that even though what I said was true that it still hurt my son. Since that time I have only text messaged my son to let him know that I love him and that he is always welcome back. He did return my text with a very short 'thanks' and that he loved me to. He's never called. We didn't see them for Thanksgiving, and only saw them a week after turkey day because my sister in law had a party for her daughter who turned 30. They came and did come in and greet my husband and I, but I know it was a charade since the whole family was basically watching. They never talked to us again that night. My husband wouldn't even stand up to hug my son, though he did embrace him somewhat. My husband also acted as if he didn't see my son's wife to avoid greeting her at all. I did however give a hug to both my son and his wife. Later we all went bowling and were on two different teams. It is a big family so we had about 10 peoples on each team. We never spoke during that time, but when we left I did say goodbye to his wife and hugged my son and told him I loved him. He has never said he is sorry to me for his outburst, and it hurts me so much. I realize now that my son was never the person I thought he was. My younger son has helped me see how selfish he always was, and that though my DIL may be evil, she just helps feed his already immature personality that doesn't seem to be able to be natural. It's as if the two of them are play acting. Everyone thinks they are so special with all the kind things they do for the family, yet who are they the least kind too, us! Their relationship is a facade. They both drink too much, and are both very much 'me' people. They don't speak about important things, and though at one time my son seemed to think family was of the greatest importance, he now seems to not care at all. I don't know if he even loves us or not. I am devastated, and every day seems like I have more weird stress and anxiety symptoms to deal with. I could never have imagined this happening in a million years. We did nothing but bend over backwards for 3 years to please his girlfriend and wife. We wanted to like her because she was so important to him. We would have done almost anything to make things work, but Hawaii was the final straw. If we didn't have my younger son with us I doubt anyone would really believe us that it could have been that bad. Without us ever saying a word to my younger son, the first night when we went out to dinner and my son and his wife split off from us we got a mouthful from the younger brother. Our son came outside by us and told angrily told us that he had never met anyone like his brother's wife. He told us she was ungrateful, and he couldn't understand how she just couldn't pretend to like us. I think I might be insane if it weren't for the fact that a 23 year old see's through her, even if my 26 year old can't. I just don't know how I'm going to survive this. I jsut want to move on and leave him behind. No child who treats his parent's this way deserves to be in their lives. Every day I say I'm moving on, but it is like slow motion and all sorts of things trigger angry emotional feelings. It is so surreal. I know I went overboard writing this message, so please forgive me. I'll take any support, advice that anyone can give. I don't know how i"m going to live out the rest of my days without him, yet I don't want him if he is going to be this cold to us. anniebal...See Moremothers estranged from their adult children
Comments (2)ms500 - I hate to hear you are having such a hard time. I too am divorced - my ex wanted to devote 24-7 to building his own business and didn't want the responsibilities of a family to hold him down. This after almost 17 years of living our life around that business which included losing almost everything, including our home. It always came first and so I shouldn't have been surprised when he said he wanted out. I look back now and realize what a doormat I had become and now that my oldest son had tossed me aside, I don't know why I am surprised. He learned from his dad to put everything above family and if family gets in the way just walk away. I asked my counselor why, what I did - provide a loving and supportive home, be the nurturer and the disciplinarian, and not leave, did not influence him as much as what his dad did. His answer was - my son knows where his rock is when he needed someone. He knew who he could rely and he has no reason to believe you will not always be there. On the other hand - he doesn't have that with his dad and therefore will not push him or take him for granted because he doesn't trust him as much. I still remember people telling me that the payoff for raising kids came when they were older and understand what it is to be a parent. So yes I feel cheated in more ways than one. My ex who wanted more than his family is the one that gets to enjoy his family. What is fair about that. Yet I believe that in time you reap what you sow. I know what I have sown and what I am experienceing now is not my reward. I believe the same for you. For some reason they seem to be in denial of the neglect and abuse you took on their behalf because of their dad. Have faith and hope that in time you will be rewarded for your effort. I can say "that" even though I have never even met my only grandchild - because I believe someone greater than me is in control. Good luck and best wishes....See More- 15 years ago
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