reconnecting with estranged adult 'children'
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16 years ago
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beanotfuddled
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agocatbear_tx
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
For those whose adult children are estranged....
Comments (27)Hello, i'm new to this, but felt i really needed to reach out because i feel i'm at my darkest hour and i really need someone to tell me i'm not alone. I have two children, ages 19 (daughter) and 16(son), their father and i divorced 6 years ago, and under special circumstances, he was the primary guardian and i the secondary one. In 2007 i made the worst decision of my life, i had gotten remarried to someone in Jordan, i was only supposed to be there for three months. 1 year and a half later, i finally managed to escape and come back home. My ordeal in Jordan was severely traumatic, i was severely abused, tortured, and left for dead. I remember calling my ex-husband here in canada to help me because i knew i would die there if someone didn't get me out, what i got was 'you made your bed, you can lie in it, as for the children, if you ever want to see them again, you'll have to go through family court'. When i heard the dial tone i felt all was lost. Somehow, i made it back, the only thing keeping me alive everyday i was tortured was the thought of seeing my children again ( my children and i were extremely close before i left, and i never foresaw that my passport and all my ID would be taken,,). Once i came back i was in for a huge shock. In the time that i was gone, it didn't take long for my ex-husband to tell the children that i had chosen to stay and didn't want anything to do with them. They were so young, and he broke their hearts, i never knew any of this until i had come back. I came back in 2009 and i have tried everything, i was patient and i loved them without bounds, and over and over again i tried to prove myself to them, but the damage has been done. With all of this, i moved back with my parents and my children are with their father on a military base. They are only 4 hours away, but i am not to call, write, or even visit. My daughter has told me she wants nothing to do with me, as for my son, his father has told him he wants nothing to do with me, but that if he wants to he can. What child would ever go against their parent if they're the one with the money and house, etc.? I'm in school and am graduating in about 2 weeks. Once i get a salary, i'll be saving money to get my own place, etc. Not a night goes by where i don't cry or miss my children so much that the pain is killing me everyday, i really feel i have no purpose in life anymore, my children were my world, and they don't want to have anything to do with me, it's been like this since i left, but even worse since 2009. My daughter has openly admitted that she could not care if i lived or died and wants no communication from me, as for my son, he will not communicate at all, they have my phone number and email,,but nothing,,,i feel this pain will completely crush me and i have no idea what to do,,,the oeverwhelming hatred i feel for my ex is also wearing me out,,,i just want to know if things do get better as time goes by, and if it doesn't, how do i go on living when i hear their voices in my head from when they were young children all the time?...See Moreestrangement from adult children
Comments (93)Wow! I thought my son was bad but still ... I can relate on some level to these comments and stories. I always say no one can break your heart like your own child. It's a different kind of heartbreak that slices through to your soul. My son is a good young man but man oh man is he stubborn. Stubborn to the point it's heartbreaking. Just got off the phone with him asking what are his plans for the future. His response was, "You know, I am not going to talk to you because you just disrespected and insulted me." I'm thinking, "How on earth is asking what your future plans are disrespecting and insulting?" He just doesn't want to plan a future, no goal, no college, nothing. Next he'll go on silence for a while. Mind you, he was married a little over a year ago, New Year's Eve 2013. After I told him he's too young at 25. Young in terms of not planning a future. He went and married anyways to prove me wrong. Well, I was right, now he's going through a divorce. His wife is divorcing for the same reason I am questioning him ... no ambition. But he can't see the ocean because of the waves. My son is an only child who has had the best life. Better than all his cousins by a long shot but he can't see this either. He complains and blames. For what?! I have no idea. I made his life so comfortable. Yes, it is narcissism. He feels he doesn't have to do anything. Both his father and I, who never married are products of education. We both pursued college degrees and entered the workforce. His father was never really a part of his life but he sent monetary support. Me, I was the sole breadwinner with a nice career that I grew tired of and now back in college to make a career change. So I have no idea how to motivate him and at times feel I am at fault. Thank you oilpainter for your words, " Their actions are THEIRS not yours, and it does not mean you have no value." I was struggling a bit after the phone call till I read your words. Maybe it's me and my expectations. Well, I'm going to heed the words I've lived with all my life that have served me well - If you don't know what to do then pray. And I'm going to speak with a therapist. I need some counseling. One child, two children, three children ... it doesn't matter. I have one and it's just as hard....See MoreCoping with the Estrangement of Adult Children
Comments (306)naturewoman0123 Its taken me years but I’m over it and it happened rather suddenly. It was like a switch was flipped. But there was a lot of hard work. I believe it was the grace of God. But also the work I’ve done. I’ve seen the reality of who my kids are and it isn’t pretty. I’ve accepted that I don’t like who they are. I’ve also accepted the situation for what it is and not what I would like it to be. I’ve also accepted that I am unwilling to be treated without respect and gratitude. I am unwilling to accept their abuse. Text is easy and intrusive. My sons text me. My daughter does not. I texted them both that I was blocking them in text and that they would have to communicate to me through e-mail. I had a very rough week and then BOOM it was better just like that. All of this is a dysfunctional family pattern that repeats itself over and over. Remaining in the abuse prevents healing. By the work I’ve done I mean counseling, reading, listening to YouTube videos and some serious self reflecting on my family of origin and how the problem was created. Bottom line is they made a choice. A really crappy choice that is impacting every part of their lives. Every choice we make forms who we are. I can’t control that. That is between them and God and way above my pay grade. Talking to other people won’t heal you. Detaching and distancing yourself and understanding the situation will. I feel better than I have in years. If nothing happens I’m ok with that and is far preferable to what the relationship is now. They are condescending, rude, hurtful etc... They deny, diminish, dismiss, blame, project and lie. Its to justify their crappy behavior. It’s the same story over and over. I feel completely liberated. Have hope. It is possible to feel great again....See Moremothers estranged from adult children
Comments (14)I joined just to post this since I think it will help to just put it out there. I have 3 children, a son and 2 daughters. My 21 yr. old son, the oldest, has yet again decided to cut me off. My son started to have behavioral issues somewhere around 14. At first it was manageable, but over the years things got worse. At one point he was hospitalized (involuntarily) and he also stole my car in an attempt to drive out of state to see a girl. (he did not have a driver’s license) Throughout this, his level of disrespect, anger, lying, lack of maturity and overall moody behavior grew to a point where everyone in the house walked on eggshells around him. The thing is, because of my own upbringing (see below), I refused to give up on him. I know he is smart, loving and good kid underneath the problems. We, I and my husband, were willing to stick it out while he sorted his life out, got on a path of self-reliance and moved out like all kids do. Earlier this year things came to a head. He decided that once again the rules didn’t apply to him and he stayed out all night drinking and doing drugs, neither of which are allowed in our household. We basically told him that this wasn’t acceptable and after a heated argument, he stormed out. He later called my sister and she picked him up and took him to her house, which on the surface would seem fine, but not in this case. A bit of relevant backstory- I come from a big, complicated family. 6 older siblings, a mother who ditched us when I was an infant, multiple alcoholics, multiple marriage/divorces and generally a drama filled bunch. The only sane one was my dad and he passed away when I was 17. Up until last year I had confidence, abandonment and trust issues, but only around my siblings. It was like I was a different person around them and I realized it was because I just didn’t want any drama, regardless of how it negatively affected me. Finally, at 40 yrs. old I decided enough was enough. I started standing up for myself and stopped being the push over that my dysfunctional family/siblings had grown accustomed to. This, of course, did not sit well with them. Now the specific sister who picked up my son that day has a habit of making decisions for me, being judgmental and sometimes, just downright degrading to me. We had been butting heads over me not taking crap from people any longer and she pounced on this opportunity to lash out at me. She decided it was a great time to interject her opinion into the situation. She proceeded to tell my son he could stay there for as long as he wanted, rent and rule free, basically undermining us. She then decided to come over to my home and insult me by calling me a host of vial names because I told her that she crossed a boundary and that it was not acceptable. After the barrage of insults, I told her that she was being disrespectful and she needed to leave. We have not spoken since. My son on the other hand came home after about 6 weeks because he missed us. (his words) He got a job, bought a car and things appeared to be going well. We actually thought he was on the right path and we would be helping him move into his own place in a couple of months. Then things went south again. 2 months ago he started hanging out with his old friends, he started stealing again, smoking weed, drinking and finally he got fired for calling in too much. All through this, he is growing more disrespectful to us and after he stayed out all night parting again, we told him we had enough, he would need to make arrangements to move out at the end of the month. We would no longer be providing a free ride for his party habits. What we didn’t know is that my sister had been speaking to him this whole time, telling him he could come back there, no rent, no rules. So I feel like on some level he purposely caused problems so that he could justify/blame us for having to go back to my sisters. So here we are now. His little sisters haven’t heard from him since he left, my sister and son are manipulating each other, feeding off of each other’s anger towards me and creating a mess that I frankly have no idea how to clean up. I’m left to sit here wondering how long it will take for my son to see the truth of the situation, if he ever does. I’m having an especially hard time today because tomorrow is his birthday. If I text him a simple happy birthday, I’ll get a nasty reply. (I’ve tried in the past) If I say nothing tomorrow, it will be another piece of ammo that can be thrown at me in the future. I basically can’t lose either way. I just don’t know how to move on. Some days are okay, others I’m a mess. All my old insecurities are creeping back up and I don’t know how to stop them from consuming me....See Moreamyfiddler
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