Hi. I don't feel I'm as strong as some of you on here. Maybe, one day. But, since finding this place, has been the single best thing that has helped me. I was doing pretty good lately, thanks to you all here. I was doing things again. I have my goals back. I'm excited about my life again. It felt so good! Until, I received a text from both my kids. Two weeks apart. Basically, telling me when I'm ready, to contact them. No mentioning anything that gave me hope. My son said, when I can feel comfortable around him and his wife, to contact him. Basically, I took it as, when I'm ready to take more hurt, pain, and disrespect, to give them a call. Because, bottom line, that's the only way I can have a relationship with them. So, this has thrown me backwards again. But, I won't let them do it to me again.

I think you reach the point where you're so tired. So, tired of the heartache. So, tired physically & emotionally. You give up. But, maybe that's a good thing. Then you can give up, pick yourself up, and get back amongst the living again. I know I can do it now. But, in order for me to start 'living again'..I have to shut out all contact with my kids. Because, it hurts too much. I hope I'm doing the right thing.

Thank you CatholicG,your posts are so helpful to me. I'm being very sincere, I have confidence I can get over my pain from my kids now. I can focus, finally on 'me'. You sharing your story with your kids, really has helped me. I think I understand what you are saying about leaving the door open. Do you still feel the pain, or are you past that? By that I mean, does your kids still hurt you? I just don't want to spend the rest of my life being hurt by my kids. That's why I feel, at least right now, I have to protect myself. By having no contact. Maybe, with time, I can become stronger. But, I wonder, if that is ever possible being a mom. I feel I will always be vulnerable with my kids. Especially, if I give in and trust again.

deville,you say you are at peace now? How did you do that? Do you have any contact with your kids? How old are they? I always wondered how did we parents (especially mom's)..get here? Why is this happening so much these days? We didn't spoil our kids. We disciplined our kids. Spanked our kids. I think we were great parents. My husband & I was NEVER like our kids of today. I will never understand. How our kids have so little respect for us. When never bought their love. We gave/showed it. By ALWAYS being there for them Always involved in their schools and activities. All the time 24/7. Did things together as a family. We as mom's, took care of them when they were sick. So, what happened?

By maintaining a pure heart. Parents will somehow always love their children. At this time however they are exhibiting bad behavior. Ages 47, 41, 36. One dead 2009. age 33. We have to draw grace from God, and once we get it and we are truly sincere, it will flow on his timetable. Not ours. Whether the reason is real or perceived with these kids it does not matter. Fixing it, is the wisdom we all want to accomplish our own peace. Be strong. Sail on calm waters.

I’m so sorry for your loss deville04. That is so true. God is in control, not us. I’ve been where you are naturewoman. The Little Shaman Healing on YouTube has helped me a lot. You are coming through this. First you have to give yourself time. Healing has its own timetable. It took me years and I still have bad days. Contact with them can send me in a downward spiral - but less and less. You raised your kids. Your obligation is over. If it was respectful and they were seeking advice and guidance that’s different. My children have become strangers to me and I’ve just accepted that. It’s their choice, not mine. I love the time I had raising them. I will never stop praying for them. I’m trying to live in the present. Changing my environment helped tremendously.

I love you guys. Come visit me in FL! Really! Screw your kids.

Deville, thank you for sharing. So, sorry for your loss. Losing a child is the toughest thing to go through. For me, having to do what I know I have to do, is like a death of both my kids. Do any of you feel that way? Deville, your kids are older. At what age did your kids start acting up, therefore hurting you? Catholic, that would be so nice to come visit you and all of us together, hug and go out and have fun!!! I've never been to FL. I live in WA State.

Hi it's me again. Lol. I was doing really good, up to Monday. I had a really bad Jan./Feb. I realized I had to remove myself from my adult kids. I finally realized, I had to make changes. I had to put my dog, that I loved so much, to sleep. A woman I cared for, passed away. So, all of it at once, was very difficult. This woman was like a mother to me. So, I was mourning 3 deaths at once.

I told myself, allow myself to cry, to be angry, and know it will be, one day at a time. So, what helped me is to go at my own pace. When I was ready, first day, get up and get out of my p.j.'s. try to eat. Then the next day, brush my teeth, wash my face, put perfume on. Then the next, go outside and take walks with my other 3 dogs. Then the next day, do it again, and keep adding one 'GOOD' thing each day. Shower, a little makeup, and taking drives to walk my dogs. After doing this for a few weeks, I actually felt excited about my life again.

I put my cell in my drawer, turned off. I had to check it once a day, for any important calls from my husband. Well, that one day, I heard from my son one week, my daughter the next week. My son said, "let us know when you feel comfortable around us again". Next week, my daughter, something like this "mom you are allowing your feelings to dictate your actions, by stopping communication". When you want to talk, get in touch with me. This all might not sound bad to you all, but to me it felt like, we can't change & understand your feelings, so when YOU (me) changes, contact them. In a text, they said that. Now, I've fallen down again, and it feels like "hey, you say we disrespect you, we say we don't..So, get in touch with us when YOU REALIZE IT'S YOU, NOT US". I now have to be VERY, VERY CAREFUL to NOT read anything they send. I have to start over again, but I will make it. They will NOT take anymore of my life.

Or they could be legitimately be trying to keep the door open to you but don’t want to press you to walk through it before you are emotionally ready to give them the opportunity to have a relationship?

Maybe what you interpret their texts to mean isn’t what they actually mean, but it’s up to you to decide if you are willing to try again for a better relationship.

Hi Jenn. You are right, I have thought about that. I think I'm just so emotional beat up, I can't think anymore. I want peace. I want to finally have a life that isn't so full of pain. I mistrust. I don't feel my kids care about me. I just want to live my life, and enjoy things again. Be happy again.

I once, years ago, was so hurt and in so much pain, for the things my kids did to me, I wanted the pain to go away so bad, I wanted to end my life. Now, I just want to be living my life without pain. Enjoy life, accomplishment my goals. I was a stay-at-home mom, so now I want to do things for myself. But, all my issues with my kids started, when they went off to college. I thought it was going to be my time, to do all those things, I dreamed of when my kids were older and away to college. But, instead it was full of hurt & pain. So, bad that 13 years I have not accomplished anything. Just crying.

You can still do the things you were hoping to do when they left the nest, if you’re breathing that means it’s not too late! The college years mark the beginning of trying to figure out how to live as an adult and some have more turmoil during this than others - much to their parents’ dismay!

Take the time you need to do what you want to do for yourself but keep that relationship door open a crack, when you’re ready to try again it will be there and if you’re never ready that’s your decision too. Just don’t fall into the trap of reading into what’s said from a place of hurt, consider their saying ‘come to us when you’re ready’ to mean just that and nothing else. “Come when you are ready” is a statement with so much hope and positivity, let it be this for you! You’ll know when it’s time!

Thank you Jenn. I appreciate everything you have been saying. To a complete stranger. Have you gone through this? Right now, I'm just afraid I will never let them back into my life. Once, I recover from this, I don't want to go through it again. I won't trust ever again. I have gone through this for 13 years. Keep thinking things will change. Thinking maybe they just need to mature. But, I don't see it ever changing, and I don't want to keep hoping. My kids have been such a roller coaster of pain for me. What I can't get past is, the fact that they don't even see the pain they have caused me. I believe, by their own admission, they think it's me. My daughter told me that. I went through some pretty horrible treatment by both of them. I tried to get past it, and I do for awhile. Until, something else happens.

I was once the angry and disrespectful adult daughter. It took my parents moving across the country for my relationship with them to begin changing for the better, and a bit over a decade to come to a point of moving cross country to be close to them. The mister and I moved to where they retired to in August 2017.

I spent years with a man who was physically and emotionally abusive. I tried my best to keep that from my parents and TBH I was ashamed of the fact that I had gotten into such a situation, the daily terror of it not just because he threatened my life but that of my parents. Looking back I saw how much they tried to do the right things when I was growing up and that I had gotten lost in the effort in putting up a facade to hide the abuse. When they moved was when I found the strength to leave my abuser, and then the road to healing began. So for me it wasn’t necessarily specific things my parents did but my emotional state was so broken that anything they said/did was enough to set me off. I had to have time and space away from them to become the (relatively) independent adult I needed to be - one who is more considerate, with clearly defined boundaries I wouldn’t have ever discussed with my parents before. It’s a balance between the needs of myself and family and consideration for my parents. The mister and I are licensed foster parents while my brother and SIL have 4 kids so they took the pressure for biological grandchildren off of me.

The most hurtful thing I ever said to my mom was that she and I would never be friends - what I’d meant was that I needed her to be a parent not a friend but both of us were in a place to let our hurt feelings make us read what wasn’t actually there into the actual words.

naturewoman23 you can only control yourself and it is not ok to put up with people treating you with anything less than the dignity and respect you deserve - that everyone deserves. Even if those people are your kids. I don’t know what the future holds but I do believe you don’t get time back, these estrangements cause irreparable damage and the fault usually falls mostly on one side, like all abuse. We can’t save our children from self-destruction. Your children are being dismissive because they can’t really face what they’ve done. Acting like nothing is wrong is endorsing the behavior and hurting them most of all. Sometimes the best response is no response. One thing I did is I packed away all the photos. Cleared out their room. Redecorated. When I was ready I sorted out the pictures in piles for each one (I saved a few for myself but they’re out of site and I do not look at them - those are different people). I made them each a photo album and a memory box with a few childhood items (I still have to do my daughters as we got called away across the country for my husbands job). I gave my sons theirs - with no expectations at all. This really helped me let go.

@naturewoman23

I should note that the distance and only seeing my parents twice a year was the classic “don’t know what you have until it’s gone” scenario. I knew that no matter what, they would always keep that door open so when it was the right time I simply needed to walk through it.

In the end, the decision on whether or not to choose letting yourself hold onto hope for the future with your kids is up to you. Take the time to accomplish whatever goals you were putting off and focus on positive things. Maybe you’ll decide you’re ready to have a relationship and maybe you won’t. I just think that there’s more potential emotional peace when you decide ‘not now, but I’m not ruling it out forever’ and then go do the things you’ve been wanting to do and let your heart heal.

Do you really believe you have any sort of relationship with your parents Jenn? Without reconciliation?

Actually we do have a really good relationship now, or my husband and I would have stayed in SoCal instead of moving across the country to where they live and where my brother and his family live. We visit for dinner a few times a month, talk on the phone/text daily, and most importantly we respect each other’s boundaries.

If you’re asking whether or not I went to them and begged forgiveness for being disrespectful, if I acknowledged that I’m the one who is the problem and that they are blameless, or performed the desired expression of gratitude for being allowed around the family? No. None of those are actually reconciliation at all. When I got to the place where I could have a respectful adult conversation where they respected me as an adult; when they listened and I listened, that’s how we reconciled.

Ok Jenn. I don’t really know what went on with you and you’re family, but you simply don’t get it. That would be appropriate for normal levels of family dysfunction but not abusive levels.

I thought I would let you know naturewoman23, while it was fresh in my mind, I let my kids know they owe me a massive apology, I blocked them, let them know I blocked them and they could contact me through e-mail. This has gone on for over 15 years and I’ve realized I’m just the scapegoat! My own kids ghosted and gaslighted me and continue to do so. I don’t trust them. That’s on them. We also have some very real concerns with my sisters. And I believe they’re being used to spy. I’m doing no one any favors by tolerating this. I’ve put the ball in their court. It’s getting to the point where I value my peace, space, and living without abuse than seeing them. They’re strangers. I also have realized I don’t really want them in this new space, I feel like they will disturb the peace and tranquility and won’t be the same. They don’t deserve this piece of me. Let me qualify this by saying this is a case of parental alienation by my ex, helped along by my sister. This is hard but there’s nothing good here. If you don’t have alienation it may not be similar. Anyway, thought I’d let you know! It’s hard! I’m going to work on filling my life with better things.

Every time I have discussed part of this subject with others in this thread, @catholic girl, you have shown up to tell me I’m wrong or that I don’t ‘get it’. Seriously, EVERY TIME you return to ‘correct’ me and I am just as entitled to comment as anyone else.

Sorry if you’re offended Jenn but you don’t get it. We all can’t understand everything someone else is going through.

I’m not offended, I’m annoyed. But *you* don’t get it.

Right, sure. Maybe you can quit trying to control what others do in another forum? Because I will post where and when I want.

I was just suggesting there might be a more appropriate forum for you to find some peace.

No, you’re trying to push me out.

Not at all Jenn. I’m just confused as to why you’re here.

Umm...because I was responding to other people on this thread which you have a habit of coming in afterwards to question why I’m here, tell me I don’t understand, etc.

Really you have amply illustrated just why your kids don’t want to deal with you. I mean seriously, who wants to be around someone who can never admit they are wrong, who pushes them away because they don’t like what they are hearing from them, and expects apologies and capitulation on the misguided belief they deserve them but danged if they ever truly apologize for anything because they imagine they are a perfect parent it’s their kids who are the damaged goods. How do you think they get that way, lady.

I said two things to you Jenn. You are really over the top. You really twisted things. I was very concerned for naturewoman because you gave her really bad advice, guiltying her. She’s in a very fragile state and in an abusive relationship. Which you don’t seem to get, you can’t detach from your own experience. It was very inappropriate. You seem very angry and like you have something to prove. This isn’t about you. You are extremely immature. I’m not going to even respond to your comments about my kids. You are clueless. Why are you trolling this board? You’re very nasty.

As if you haven’t said similar things packaged in a vaguely reworked way — after first trashing my advice you return to present it as uniquely yours.

The overview: I’ve said that the only side one can control is their own, that a positive focus on making efforts to do whatever life goal has been put off can help and doesn’t require dealing with the family issue at a time when a break is needed for the sake of sanity, and that IF AND WHEN she wants to come back to try and build a relationship that bearing in mind that maybe they aren’t just waiting to get a chance to be cruel again - maybe they actually want to try and rebuild the damaged relationship. It’s still entirely up to her whether she wants to try! Have you read ANYTHING I’ve actually written or just decided you know what I actually meant? As long as everyone is still living there’s still a chance for reconciliation and reconnecting. Having a strong, loving connection to family offers incredible positive potential and if one doesn’t have to completely sever them, even if they need a break to recharge personally - why would anyone want to encourage closing that door forever with no exceptions considered!? It’s not healthy and deprives the one who does so just as much if not more than those who they cut ties from! It’s cutting off your nose to spite your face.

As for detaching from my own experience - and just where do you *not* include your own experience? Inappropriate? Might want to consider removing the plank in your eye before trying to lecture me about the speck in mine.

Step back and let the egos subside. This blog is for help for all of us with severe life's pain. Praying helps on bad days. Be strong, move forward with a pure heart.

Thank you, @deville04!

deville04 - do you ever see your kids? Do you want to?

Is it just that you can’t bear the possibility that someone might make a choice to be open to reconnecting with their kids at some point and no longer commiserating with you?? Like if they do reconnect while you continue to be rejected by your kids, you try to make them decide to stop so you can have company to wallow with?

Seriously, not everyone has to do what you do, agree with your view, or what works for you works for them! Consider for one fraction of a second that though you don’t like the advice from someone else because it’s not what you would advise, that others may feel differently! And you don’t have a monopoly on who gets to comment - here or in the real world.

No Jenn. Not at all. You aren’t even close.

And I should believe that denial? No.

We all can’t understand everything someone else is going through.

I think by communicating with each other we open the doors to understanding.

I’ve said that the only side one can control is their own

If everyone understood that profound piece of wisdom there would be a lot less conflict and a lot more happiness.

Hi everyone. I was reading about this issue on other sites too. One mom said she has gone through this for many years, and the pain hurts just the same when it started. Bummed me because I'm starting to realize this will be with me my entire life. I'm doing everything I can think of, to move on. Maybe, it still takes more than time.

I was doing pretty good, until I received text from my kids. What I have been doing is put my phone in a drawer. It seemed to work. 'out of site...out of mind'.. I check on my phone every few days or more. But, it was working. Thought I'd pass that along. When I had to check, I noticed two text. Which did upset me, and set me back. My daughter basically said, "mom, you are letting your FEELINGS control your ACTIONS"...Well, in my mind, what I'm constantly getting hurt over, her lack of showing respite. She tells me, (and I've seen it over the years). She has a lot of compassion. Compassion for friends, her brother, roommates, strangers. But, I never felt her compassion for me. She'd stand up for them. Never me. Hard to say this in words, to explain how it feels. My one big example, was when I was at my lowest and the pain I went through by my kids, I didn't want to live. I wanted the pain to stop.

I was lost and scared, I thought I could reach out to my daughter. This was the first time I felt this bad and it was so hard to even get it out. I took that risk of opening up. My daughter was very cold. Said, she can't help me, I have to help myself. If I could, I certainly would. It was so hard to admit how I was feeling and my bad thoughts in my head. It scared me. I couldn't stop with those thoughts. This was about about eight years ago. I Don't have those thoughts anymore. I won't allow my kids to do that to me ever again. So, with THOSE FEELINGS, of course I would then have a REACTION. So, that's how I took what she said to me in that last text. I Don't anything back anymore. Reaction...is not to react to her comments anymore. That bothers her. I just Don't have the energy for it. That goes for both my kids.

naturewoman0123 Its taken me years but I’m over it and it happened rather suddenly. It was like a switch was flipped. But there was a lot of hard work. I believe it was the grace of God. But also the work I’ve done. I’ve seen the reality of who my kids are and it isn’t pretty. I’ve accepted that I don’t like who they are. I’ve also accepted the situation for what it is and not what I would like it to be. I’ve also accepted that I am unwilling to be treated without respect and gratitude. I am unwilling to accept their abuse. Text is easy and intrusive. My sons text me. My daughter does not. I texted them both that I was blocking them in text and that they would have to communicate to me through e-mail. I had a very rough week and then BOOM it was better just like that. All of this is a dysfunctional family pattern that repeats itself over and over. Remaining in the abuse prevents healing. By the work I’ve done I mean counseling, reading, listening to YouTube videos and some serious self reflecting on my family of origin and how the problem was created. Bottom line is they made a choice. A really crappy choice that is impacting every part of their lives. Every choice we make forms who we are. I can’t control that. That is between them and God and way above my pay grade. Talking to other people won’t heal you. Detaching and distancing yourself and understanding the situation will. I feel better than I have in years. If nothing happens I’m ok with that and is far preferable to what the relationship is now. They are condescending, rude, hurtful etc... They deny, diminish, dismiss, blame, project and lie. Its to justify their crappy behavior. It’s the same story over and over. I feel completely liberated. Have hope. It is possible to feel great again.

Hello everyone here. Catholicgirl,just knowing that in time, with a lot of hard work, you are doing ok now. Gives me hope for me in my future. Thank so much for all you've shared, has made a HUGE difference for me. Because, of you opening up about what you went through, I now have Hope in my life. Because, I remember a time, I didn't think I was going to make it.

What has helped first, was finding this site. Knowing I'm not alone. Because, before coming here, all I heard was mother's and their adult children getting along. NEVER talk of difficulties. Made me feel alone, & it must be me. Something is wrong with me. That was so hard to feel that. (cont.)

I have been doing a lot of the things you mention. Soul searching. It has helped. I focus on the saying ' it this too will pass'. Like the mourning period. Just knowing too that I'm positive my kids aren't thinking of me much. They are going about their lives. Then here I am in pain every single day. Makes me angry. Instead of before, I was so devastated, depressed, & and not wanted to go on like this. Every single minute of a day. Then, something started changing inside me. Like, "I'm mad as well, and I'm not taking it anymore". Angry & care for myself, has made the difference. I just want to let you know I appreciate all that you have done, that helped me. Makes me think, when I get stronger, I'm going to devote my life in helping others with this. For me it's like a death of a child. My case both my kids. Please try and keep in touch ok. I enjoy reading your posts, and hearing from you. Whether it's your ups or downs.

Naturewoman0123, I am so happy to hear from you and that you’re healing! So happy! I sometimes still cry and am blue but it’s few and far between. It’s amazing. I am coming out the other side a new person. And you should be angry. They should have gratitude. We all owe our parents a debt of gratitude. No one is perfect and how ironic that they expect it! Don’t let them steal your joy!

I DON't see any comments here anymore. I hope that means everyone is doing much better. It's been 1 year now. Still estranged from both my kids. I come here every once in awhile. It helps ME stay strong. TheCatholicGirl, your words of wisdom really has helped me. Although, I still get depressed and it's a constant battle, I still have to force myself to be happy. I mean really happy. I think what the hardest part is I can't see my 3 grandsons. My daughter-in-law won't allow it. I hope people will come back here and post. Because, it really helps to not feel alone on this issue.

How are you doing naturewoman0123?