Hi, I have just registered on this forum and read with interest about parents estranged from their adult children. I am a father of a daughter aged 34 and a son aged 37. I am estranged from both. Very briefly, I came out as Gay after 37 years of marriage, it has resulted in Divorce proceedings, loss of my family home, my job, having to relocate, being very ill, and being estranged from my two children and two 4 year old grandchildren, a few months ago my children emailed me to meet up with me, my mother and sister, but did not want be to bring my gay partner. I was not happy with this, so compromised, by suggesting I just met up ( not with my partner) with my daughter, son and grandchildren, this was refused by them, my mother and sister were shocked at their refusal just to meet with them and me. My sister ( their Auntie) emailed them saying how maybe they were being a little unfair on their dad. They did not take too kindly to her thoughts. My mother and Sister suggested just them meeting up with them at a garden centre near to them with the grandchildren. They refused to meet them even without me, they would only do that with me their and not my partner. My daughter emailed me to say, she felt i was being selfish, ending her email, which she copied into my sister saying Goodbye Dad !!, she told me in the past she would always be here for me. . My son emailed me saying under the circumstances, that he thought I was being selfish by not meeting them without my partner( despite me offering to see them with just me), he decided with his sister that they would not meet with anyone, hence cutting off all ties, they still send cards to my mother and sister for their birthdays etc.. When all this kicked off I promised I would always keep in touch with my Children remembering their birthdays, Christmas etc, which I have to date, they have always acknowledged receipt. I have not seen my Adult Children now since Christmas Eve 2013 or my grandchildren, It has been a very painful process, I have spent many hours sobbing with pain in my chest as if i was having a heart attack, it has become less painful as the months have gone by, with the support of my very loving partner and my family who are right behind me, even my mother of 88 years. Today i sent a very simple on liner to each of my son and daughter saying I hope you are all well, Dad xx. Its the first contact I have made, i did it to see if it may touch their emotions, or not, if i don't get a response, i will leave any contact now until birthday and Christmas of this year. I'm interested if any other members have similar experiences, I have loved my Children very deeply all their lives, and supported them both practically and financially, even my ex wife said that., I don't ask for any of that back. I have had to deal with my own Demons, and take full responsibility for not "coming out" before i was married and living a lie with my wife. We had our differences in our marriage, but were good soul mates we are going through an amicable divorce arrangement , but have not seen or spoken to each other since early December 2013, I know I have wrecked her life too, but i know she is in very safe hands of her family and being well supported which makes me feel better. I am sad, that I have now been estranged from my family, whilst Im trying very hard to build a new life for myself at 61 years old.. Would be great to hear similar stories and how we can support each other. Have I been such a terrible dad, i did so so much for my kids, now i need them, they have left me, they have both said to me in an email that they have no problem with me being Gay, so what is the problem, is it because they though there were only two people in their life, they mum and Dad, and cannot accept one other. I feel for them greatly, but I cannot exclude my partner who has been accepted by everyone of my brothers and sisters, into their homes etc, my son and daughter NO, and at a cost of not seeing my granddaughters growing up, to talk, play and touch them once again, so sad, so sad.

I'm so sorry.

It sounds like:

1. Your kids are really really angry, & no matter what you do, they're going to punish you.
This is the only way I can make sense of their refusing to see you even though you agreed to their terms.

2. Christmas 2013 is not very long ago;
people do cool down & get over things, given time.
Your idea of sending a little message & not pushing further sounds good.
The holidays may make them realize that they want to be on good terms with their family.

If so, cool & thank goodness the rift can be closed.
If not, let them go.
There's nothing anybody can do with people who won't allow you to be nice to them.

3. I'd put some trust & faith in your ex & your mother & sister; it sounds like they have healthy attitudes & expectations, & they'll be talking to the kids.

Meanwhile, you've done everything you can;
there's nothing left for you to do, because the kids won't *let* you do anything, so you can use your time to re-focus on your own life & happiness.

I hope your children "wake up & smell the coffee", but whatever happens, I wish you the very best.

Thank you for you helpful feedback, it helps to reassure me that I have tried to be reasonable over this matter. I did send a brief mail to them both last night, so will see if anything comes back. What i forgot to mention was , its was my mothers birthday recently, both my adult children sent her a card as usual, which i was pleased with. My sister sent an email to them both on my mums behalf to say thank you. My son replied straight away, it was polite, albeit brief. My daughter nothing. I think about how much I supported my adult children when they were individually ill, sometimes dropping everything at work or at home to support them. Yet now, for me there is nothing. I get the impression they are not in touch with their mother, certainly my daughter indicated when I was in touch with her, that she hears very little from her mum, finds it difficult to have a conversation when she has seen her, as her mums sister is always hovering. Having said that my daughter and her mum. often would clash, also my exwife mistrust my daughter when she did support me when the crisis hit full on last year. Some how after my daughter saying to me she would never turn her back on me, she now has, she made a comment in her last mail to me which said, oh well i suppose it cant get much worse other than me being dead. As you say, hopefully they will smell the coffee, in the meantime, i am building a new life, whilst i think of my family everyday, and look at the photos i have of them in my home. They have unfortunately upset my partner by refusing to meet him, which if we do meet one day will need careful handling. Thank you again for your time and interest in my story.

You're taking the right approach in sending a little note every now and again. On their birthdays, you might expand the one-liner to include a story about the day they were born or what it was like to see them for the first time. Short and sweet, but send no gifts because it'll scream "desperation".

Maybe these little missives will soften their hearts to the point where they'll agree to meet you. If that day comes, go along with whatever they suggest. You made a mistake in trying to change the terms of the first meeting; to do so again will just extend the estrangement. Once the rift is starting to mend, you can gently suggest that they meet your partner.

For them to meet him, much less accept him, will take a long time. This is no different than if you were a Dad who left the family for another woman. Don't push it

Adrian, I am sorry that you are going through this, but I believe you have gotten good advice here. My parents divorced after 45 years of marriage, and it took many years before my sister would agree to be in the same place as my father. (My brother and I didn't stop seeing either parent after the divorce.) Every family is different. I definitely think that if one of your children make overtures to you, the safest thing to do would be to suggest a one-on-one meeting. If they offer more, then you have not pushed. Please don't be so sad. You have made your choices and should enjoy them. Your children are adults and have their own lives and viewpoints. Please give it time.

Thank you for your feedback colorcrazy, I did send an email to both, my son has not replied, My daughter did reply briefly saying she is settling in to new position at work, and asked how my new position of work is going. she said occasionally that her husband and herself occasionally have moments to think, That was it.

I always promised to keep in contact with my two 4 year old granddaughters, they are about to go to School for the first time in September, I sent them a card each with a bank cheque gift, something i would have done had things not changed.

I dont expect to hear anything, other than possibly a hand made thank you card from the girls which is always sweet to receive.

I shall not make any more contact now, until my sons birthday in later December and at Christmas to them all.
Adrian

Thank you all for your feedback it has helped for me to have some inner peace with myself and move on with my life and the choices i made, time heals i gues, I know deep down my kids love me, there wordt nightmare would be my passing without seeing me again. I hope i do meet them again, before my number is called from above.

Thank you all once again, and sharing some of your life experience and wise words do please keep in touch.

Kind Regards
Adrian

Dear all, just to let you all know I have has a brief response back from my son, and he asked hope I am ok, I gave a brief response back. So its feels better that they are still in my thoughts. I will just keep it light and occasional now with contact.

Thank you all again, it has helped.
Adrian

I joined just to post this since I think it will help to just put it out there. I have 3 children, a son and 2 daughters. My 21 yr. old son, the oldest, has yet again decided to cut me off.

My son started to have behavioral issues somewhere around 14. At first it was manageable, but over the years things got worse. At one point he was hospitalized (involuntarily) and he also stole my car in an attempt to drive out of state to see a girl. (he did not have a driver’s license) Throughout this, his level of disrespect, anger, lying, lack of maturity and overall moody behavior grew to a point where everyone in the house walked on eggshells around him.

The thing is, because of my own upbringing (see below), I refused to give up on him. I know he is smart, loving and good kid underneath the problems. We, I and my husband, were willing to stick it out while he sorted his life out, got on a path of self-reliance and moved out like all kids do.
Earlier this year things came to a head. He decided that once again the rules didn’t apply to him and he stayed out all night drinking and doing drugs, neither of which are allowed in our household. We basically told him that this wasn’t acceptable and after a heated argument, he stormed out. He later called my sister and she picked him up and took him to her house, which on the surface would seem fine, but not in this case.

A bit of relevant backstory- I come from a big, complicated family. 6 older siblings, a mother who ditched us when I was an infant, multiple alcoholics, multiple marriage/divorces and generally a drama filled bunch. The only sane one was my dad and he passed away when I was 17.

Up until last year I had confidence, abandonment and trust issues, but only around my siblings. It was like I was a different person around them and I realized it was because I just didn’t want any drama, regardless of how it negatively affected me. Finally, at 40 yrs. old I decided enough was enough. I started standing up for myself and stopped being the push over that my dysfunctional family/siblings had grown accustomed to. This, of course, did not sit well with them.

Now the specific sister who picked up my son that day has a habit of making decisions for me, being judgmental and sometimes, just downright degrading to me. We had been butting heads over me not taking crap from people any longer and she pounced on this opportunity to lash out at me. She decided it was a great time to interject her opinion into the situation. She proceeded to tell my son he could stay there for as long as he wanted, rent and rule free, basically undermining us. She then decided to come over to my home and insult me by calling me a host of vial names because I told her that she crossed a boundary and that it was not acceptable. After the barrage of insults, I told her that she was being disrespectful and she needed to leave. We have not spoken since.

My son on the other hand came home after about 6 weeks because he missed us. (his words) He got a job, bought a car and things appeared to be going well. We actually thought he was on the right path and we would be helping him move into his own place in a couple of months.
Then things went south again. 2 months ago he started hanging out with his old friends, he started stealing again, smoking weed, drinking and finally he got fired for calling in too much. All through this, he is growing more disrespectful to us and after he stayed out all night parting again, we told him we had enough, he would need to make arrangements to move out at the end of the month. We would no longer be providing a free ride for his party habits.

What we didn’t know is that my sister had been speaking to him this whole time, telling him he could come back there, no rent, no rules. So I feel like on some level he purposely caused problems so that he could justify/blame us for having to go back to my sisters.

So here we are now. His little sisters haven’t heard from him since he left, my sister and son are manipulating each other, feeding off of each other’s anger towards me and creating a mess that I frankly have no idea how to clean up.

I’m left to sit here wondering how long it will take for my son to see the truth of the situation, if he ever does. I’m having an especially hard time today because tomorrow is his birthday. If I text him a simple happy birthday, I’ll get a nasty reply. (I’ve tried in the past) If I say nothing tomorrow, it will be another piece of ammo that can be thrown at me in the future. I basically can’t lose either way.

I just don’t know how to move on. Some days are okay, others I’m a mess. All my old insecurities are creeping back up and I don’t know how to stop them from consuming me.

LauraW72-"Up until last year I had confidence, abandonment and trust issues, but only around my siblings. I started standing up for myself and stopped being the push over that my dysfunctional family/siblings had grown accustomed to. This, of course, did not sit well with them. She then decided to come over to my home and insult me by calling me a host of vial names because I told her that she crossed a boundary and that it was not acceptable.

Now the specific sister who picked up my son that day has a habit of making decisions for me, being judgmental and sometimes, just downright degrading to me. We had been butting heads over me not taking crap from people any longer and she pounced on this opportunity to lash out at me."

Excuse me for saying so, but your sister sounds like a narcissist. She is using a classic narcissist technique in order to hurt/control you. Engaging your son to help her pick on you. Especially since you aren't in touch with her.

Narcissists are brilliant at making people feel guilty without the victim having a clue as to why. Her goal is simple. Your misery is her pleasure.

Please continue to stand up for yourself. The article below has many tips on how to recognize (and stop) this kind of behavior. Knowledge is power. Learn what she is doing so you can protect yourself (and the rest of your family) from this nonsense.

A link that might be useful:

http://thenarcissisticlife.com/how-to-deal-with-narcissistic-rage/

I'm so sorry.

but this episode/crisis/whatever-it-is is a golden opportunity for you to break some chains.

Your troublesome sister & your troubled son have taken themselves right out of your orbit.

Let them go.

Your sister's a lost cause anyway:
unless you play the game by her rules (she wins, you lose), you aren't allowed to play at all.

so don't play.

&, just like when he was learning to walk & sometimes fell on his backside, your son has to take his own bumps & falls as he learns to navigate his adult life.

If you had spent all your time hovering over him to keep him from falling, he never would have learned to walk, & he'd have been very angry at you.

As long as you keep bailing him out of his messes, he won't learn how to solve his own problems, & he'll be very angry at you.

& this nonsense with his aunt might be a really eye-opening, life-changing experience for him:

If it is (he realizes that he's being manipulated & controlled & decides to live his life differently) or if it isn't (your sister controls him for the next 20 years & they're a mutual admiration society of which you cannot become a member), it's not your job *nor is it within your ability* to fix it.

Dreamgarden has a really good point;
some people live for conflict.
They feed on other people's distress & pain.

They're like poison gas or ebola or atomic waste:.
The best thing to do is to not go near them & to not let them come near you.

ever.

I wish you the best.

I am new to this forum, but am very confused and devastated. My 18 year old son has changed completely since beginning to see this girl. My son has always been a very sweet, funny, loving, and caring soul. He began to act strangely when this girl came into his life. She is his first real girlfriend and I am finding out that she is incredibly controlling. It started with him staying out of the house all the time. Then moved to him sneaking out of the house early in the morning to go with her and not coming home until late at night. He then began to argue with me about staying the night at her house of which she lives with her parents that are apparently ok with this. I am NOT.
As time went on, he began to argue with me more about it and started to become disrespectful to me. One night he came home and we got into a very huge fight due to the fact that he was screaming at me and saying that he was staying over at her house whether I liked it or not. He did end up leaving but came back the next day to talk with me. He stated that he did not want to follow the rules under my roof. So with that, I gave him options with one being that he could leave if he felt that he was such an adult. The other was to follow the rules... being, do his chores and come home at night, along with a part time job and school. He decided to walk out of the house. I have not seen him in 6 months now.
He moved into this girls home with her parents and has given them some type of story that they feel he needs to be taken care of by them as another child. He has always been very well taken care of including his younger brother and not one person in our family understands where this is all coming from. The situation has become almost cult like. The girlfriend tells him what he can and cannot do which includes not speaking to me or having any relationship with me, his brother, any other family members or his best friends he has known since about 5 years of age. I am told that her family is his family now. My son will write me every so often but says very nasty and hurtful things. He has also stated that he never wants to see me again and has disowned me as his mother. We have always been very very close. It seems as though he says nastier things to me each time to make her happy. He contradicts himself all the time. My other son is totally confused as to why he is lying and completely bashing me and our family when we all have been very close.
I have recently been told that he is now also smoking weed, has no job, no divers license, and not going to school. This girl takes care of him.
This person is not my son. I am devastated and do not know where to go from here. I have been told several times to just leave him alone at this point and he will have to come back on his own. I am so very worried about him. Where do I go from here????

"I have recently been told that he is now also smoking weed, has no job, no divers license, and not going to school. This girl takes care of him.
This person is not my son. I am devastated and do not know where to go from here. I have been told several times to just leave him alone at this point and he will have to come back on his own. I am so very worried about him. Where do I go from here????

Your son is 18. 18 yr olds know next to nothing. They think from their shorts. I would keep the lines of communication open and be courteous and loving. I would encourage him to find work and stay in touch with his brother. If he tries to argue, hang up the phone. Do not allow him to be disrespectful to you. Just sign off and tell him you will talk to him when he is willing to talk, not argue. Don't speak to the girlfriend at all. She will use your conversation to manipulate him. He hasn't grown up enough to recognize what she is doing.

I would suggest that you find ways to get him away from this girl as much as possible.

Tell him you will help buy him a car if he works fulltime for a solid year. If you can get him away from this girl before she ends up pregnant, then he might have a chance to get straightened out before he ends up ruining his life with this trailer trash.

I would also enlist his brother to help. Brothers can be useful spies as well as tools to make older brothers jealous with....If your son sees how well his younger brother is doing, that might be all it takes to make his lose the low life trash he has associated himself with. Bribe the younger brother into maintaining his good behavior.

If all else fails, you could ask the police what they suggest about the use of illegal drugs in the girlfriends household. Anonymously of course. ;)

Good luck. Keep checking back!

Thank you both for the advice and words of wisdom. I am noticing more good days than bad and I made it through Thanksgiving, a holiday I used to host for the entire family, without breaking down.

I have begun the process of sorting through all the emotion, started to try and accept certain things.

- I'm trying to accept that most of the relationships I did have with my siblings were one sided, with me doing most of the work to keep them going.

-I've begun to make changes in my self and my life, things that were criticized. I've started growing my hair back out, painted 2 rooms in my home, hanging out with friends my family didn't like and with the help of my husband, I had a bonfire where I burned an ugly piece of furniture I lugged around for 20 years because my sister insisted I had to.

I've been focusing my attention to the positive relationships in my life. (husband, daughters and my close friends)

-I've even begun to plan for a move out of state that my husband and I have wanted for a long time, but was pressured not to make by my siblings.

Thankfully, my husband has been my rock through this all and he is supporting me 100% right now while I rediscover who I am now that some of this baggage is beginning to fall away.

I still cry, but it isn't because of the loss of family members, but because I still get times when I feel stupid for believing they cared.

As for my son, I still hope that one day he will "figure it out", but like someone said, I can't do it for him.

I guess for the first time in my life I am focusing on what I need to be happy. It is weird, but a good weird that my husband and girls seem to like.

Once again, thank you for letting me vent here. It helps so much.