If I was going to be a stay-at-home dad, I'd want to find some other stay-at-home dads. There must be a way to do that these days.

I stayed home and worked jobs around this. I did nanny jobs, worked at my children’s school for five years, then worked only the hours they were at school. We weren’t able to take big trips until they were older. We took our first international trip last year, and have two planned this year. My children are about to turn 19 and 23. We didn’t have fancy furniture or clothes. We lived very simply. We did invest 25 percent of our income all those years...which was the best financial decision we have ever made....but we lived very simple and ate a lot of beans and rice.

I work now and enjoy a stimulating interesting work environment. I enjoyed my other jobs, but I enjoy a more adult environment....truthfully it’s a lot easier! I couldn’t find a job that was interesting to me until I had the flexibility to be able to work overtime. I often stay late which I wouldn’t do while my children were young. I have no regrets about staying home, I consider myself beyond blessed that I had the chance to make memories that I will always treasure. I also wasn’t sad when they became adults. Yes I miss them, but I had a lot of time with them (literally every minute for 22 years lol) They both come home almost every weekend and I really enjoy seeing them. They nicknamed me, Omnipresent, and Mother-hoverer.

I have pretty much always been a SAHM...(I used to do a few projects for my former employer once in a while.) I had intended to go back when they were in school, but then my dh made partner & started traveling even more and it just didn’t make sense. They are teens now, with oldest going away to college in the fall, and I am glad I am still here. I still have to drive my younger child to all her stuff, and to be honest, they are probably both spoiled by having me available. In hindsight, I do think that kids can start to take the stay at home parent for granted. Luckily, I have always been very good at making time for myself. I have always volunteered in many different capacities and have a great network of friends who all stayed home. When the kids were all little we had a blast with them & all the kids are still so close. Honestly, I can’t imagine staying at home during the early years without a strong network of friends. It can really be mind numbing. Perhaps look for a dad’s group for him.

It will definitely put your mind at ease knowing your little guy is with his dad all day! My dh always says it helps to make his work easier knowing I’m here to take care of all the things (sick kids, dr appts, house appts, all that stuff.) :)

Robo, you have gotten excellent advice. I do have to ask a question: if your husband is wanting to stay home and take care of Em, that’s fantastic. But if he wants to do it because he hates his job, you both may want to think about it Long and hard. (I’m not saying that’s the reason, but you did say he doesn’t love his job and you two are the only ones who know how much it plays into the equation.) I am speaking from personal experience. My first career was in academia. Got my Ph.D. and started the usual path of teaching and research. As much as I thought I loved research, I was disenchanted after four years. I also wanted to start a family. I quit my job, moved to the city where my husband was working and became pregnant. Stayed home with my son for a year, but I resented being home all day, while my husband was thriving in his career. I was happy for him, really was, but felt a deep loss of my professional identity. When my son was 18 months old, I went to law school and have been practicing for 20 years. I love the law, and I’m glad I quit academia, am glad I had 18 months to stay home with my baby. But I was lost during the time I was home, as it is a very isolating experience, at least for me it was

your situation may be comepletely different, but just wanted to offer what’s obviously a very subjective viewpoint. I’m glad your husband is thinking bout it. It is a rewarding experience.

I was an SAHM and it was tough. But I wasn't well so that's not surprising.

The minute DH walked in the door he got two babies into his arms. I could barely keep up.

Things got better once they were a little older. They were able to at least able to dress themselves xcetera.

I never regretted being a stay at home mom. If you are going to do it or if your partner is going to do it please be aware that when you have off days or bad days you still have to look after your kids. It's obvious I know but people seem to forget the most obvious things sometimes

For the partner who is out at work it is much more difficult to have sympathy when they can't witness first-hand the stresses of looking after little ones.

IMHO somehow people don't see raising a child as one of the most important things that one can do. I was very lucky that DH treated me with respect and supported me. Otherwise I would have thought that I was worthless sometimes as it is a lonely thing.

I watched a Ted Talk that reminded people to take time to calm down and alter their emotions before they got home. Jobs have a great deal of stress as well! Sympathy runs both ways. Both people putting themselves in the other person's shoes helps a lot!

Truly what was said by someone here is probably the most important word to keep in mind. Communication is the key. And you both need nights out! Together:-)

I am surprised that staying at home might be considered boring or stifling or isolating or lonely. It certainly wasn't for me, and it isnt/wasn't for my sah kids. One doesn't give up learning or being social or involved or anything else to stay home unless one chooses to. Does no one ever get bored or frustrated or stressed at work?

Yes, of course staying home is different from the workplace. I didn't have a college degree then, but all my kids and their spouses have advanced degrees and we all found rewarding experiences while raising our kids. It isn't just about equal sharing of chores and child raising, there were/are no "contracts" or rules, just a seemingly normal, easy give and take between spouses. I guess my perspective and anecdotal observations are just different.

I don't mean to sound crabby or judgmental. :-)

Read and reread what bestyears said upthread.

I was a SAHM with a business degree and a career path that was on its way. But our DS1 was going into his 3rd daycare in less than a year, I was pregnant with our second and our "guality" time was our son sitting in his carseat all weekend while we ran around doing errands and DH and I both had careers that were on the upswing.

I quit work and never looked back. One thing I will add to what bestyears said., when you leave the house and go to work, you have that time to get mentally geared up for your day and then on your way home at the end of the day you have a little downtime and start to look forward to getting home. The at-home-parent never gets that transition time. They wake up and are thrown into it and ,it never lets up.

So if you arrive home and your DH says "he's yours, I need a few" take him at his word.

It's tough being a parent and the best solution is the one that works best for you.

ETA - RE: finding at-home-mom/dad groups, on the internet there will be a lot of neighbourhood parent groups for those who are at home. My niece met a couple of her best friends through the internet from when she was at home 6 years ago. This, of course, wasn't available for me when I was at home but it would have been nice.

I have been a SAHP for many years now. I agree with much of what has been said above.

One thing I would note is that when you look at the finances, be sure to look at long term and contingencies too. People mentioned considering what you pay for childcare and work clothes and various “conveniences” the payoff for both parents working isn’t as great. But don’t forget to calculate things like social security, retirement accounts, disability insurance, etc. I don’t know what equivalents you have in Canada (you are in Canada, right?). But I think a lot of people forget to account for those “benefits” when they do their math.

There can also be some unexpected personal downsides. For example, since I have no income, my credit rating is much lower than dh’s. It ticks me off considerably that somehow he is deemed better for getting car loans and so on. Especially since I’m the one who actually makes sure the bills get paid around here. Irrational, and minor in some ways, but a real sense of loss of self for me. That knowledge that even though dh values what I do and considers his paycheck ours, because there is no way he could have been earning “his” money without me taking care of the kids, society does not see it this way and does not value my contribution in many ways. I never thought of it from this angle until a few years in to being a SAHP.

I would also say that being a SAHP has sometimes been socially isolating for me. We have moved often and when you don’t have that automatic adult conversation that comes with most jobs, trying to make new connections can be a struggle. I know that my SIL had a friend who was a SAHD and it was harder for him because more SAHP are women and some wouldn’t meet up with just him and his kids for play dates, etc because they thought it looked funny. I thought that was silly of the women, but I do think it may be a factor in being a SAHD.

There are a lot of upsides. And I do firmly believe that for us, our family as a whole has benefited from me staying at home. But there are definite downsides as well.

I very much agree with what everyone has said. You do feel as though society doesn’t value your contributions and your value in the work place plummets.

We talk about the question of if there is a stigma attached to being a stay at home parent. Personally, I think there is a societal stigma, but I also think it’s nobody’s business. We have friends where one of the couple stays home even without kids and that’s fine. We were in this situation before, at one point I basically had two full-time homemakers in my house. At that point there were tensions associated with My expectations. But I loved coming home to a clean house and a healthy meal every night.

In my family, both parents worked and I was a latchkey kid. But in his family there is a tradition of stay at home parents.

It can depend very much on where you live. During the years when DH was a SAHP parent and before I retired we lived in a very progressive, liberal NYC suburb. Our neighbors to the left were a two-daddy household. The house behind us was a two-mommy household. The town had been written up in a national publication as the best place for biracial couples to live. No one batted an eye at lifestyle choices and differences, really. And it was more and more common. Because DH volunteered a lot, the other moms knew him and most were quite warm and welcoming. I recall a few times when Moms had him pick up their kids in an emergency. Even where we live now, which is not quite as progressive, we count SAHD's among our friends and our neighbors are a two-daddy family.

I wonder if there is a group of Dads in your area your DH could connect with now? To give him a sense of that community.

I worked when my older kids were growing up, but when we had a Surprise Blessing (DD2!) the same year our oldest was leaving for boarding school, I decided to quit my job. Lots of mixed feelings. Isolation. I’m an introvert, and that’s only gotten worse since I’ve been at home. Giving up my career. I was in a high tech job and knew I couldn’t go back to it if I was away for more than a year or two. But I love homemaking. I love being there for my kids, though I’m really not a baby or little kid person. DD2 is now 12, and I’m really starting to enjoy her a lot. (I sound harsh, but there it is.) So I’m very happy we made this decision.

The things that made this a pretty easy transition for us were: we have a fairly well defined division of labor and we both are content with it; we both feel that the money earned is both of ours, and it is adequate for our needs; and I like this job a lot.

The only area where resentment crops up is socializing. I have very few friends, partly because I’m an introvert, and partly because I never got into play groups for me and my youngest. I’m about 20 years older than her peers’ parents, and I never felt I had much in common with them. (Your DH might find himself in a similar position, possibly exacerbated by the fact that he’s a man in a female-dominated role.) I’m usually ok with my limited social experiences, but whenever we do go out and socialize, it’s always with his friends, coworkers, or lacrosse buddies. Frankly, it’s a chore. I hope your DH can find a good way to not that part of his life wither up!

After I finished my degree, I worked at home part-time to care for the needs of the kids and family. Last September, I was laid off from that job. We decided to see if we could make it on just the one income. My kids are 11, 14, 17, and 20 and the demands for caring for them have only increased, just in different ways. I feel that having a parent at home gives them the best foundation we possibly can and it is very important for their development which is of course why I do it. It is best for them and the family unit as a whole. On a personal level, it was not the best choice for me. The job I did was merely for income and as time went on, was not stimulating. I often joke that what I miss most after being laid off was the paycheck but that is not entirely true. I also miss going into my office, shutting the door and when something came up, saying, I am working now, go talk to your father. I need to work on a similar outlet.

Financially, I am very aware of how risky my situation is. Should the relationship not work, then it will certainly take time for me to be in a stable position. Things are complicated by the fact that DH and I have different money personalities. I tend to be more conservative, understanding the position I am in. DH is more free with money because he is working and thinks it will keep coming. If there is no improvement on this front, I will likely be searching for ways to improve my position while still accommodating the needs of my children (which at some point will have to let up). The issues now are different than the issues when the kids were younger. We will work through them or not, just like every other aspect of marriage. Good luck to the both of you in this endeavor.

I am an introvert but even so, some parts of the baby years were very tough. Lots of boredom, exhaustion and isolation. The elementary years were a joy. I had lots of time to volunteer at school. I made friends with a nice group of school Moms and I am still close to many of them 15 years later. Our home was the neighborhood hang out place for all the kids.

DH traveled often so I was the benevolent dictator of the house. He rarely commented about decisions about household things unless I asked for his opinion. We were financially comfortable and I tried to make decisions based on common sense. If he had a personality where he micromanaged or nit picked about my household decisions or spending, that would have been a source of ongoing conflict.

I don't know if there is still a societal stigma or not. There certainly was when I quit work in 1989 to become a SAHP. Then, it was all about "quality" time with your child which is a concept I never believed in, and if you had that then everything would turn out fine. Who is going to define "quality" time? The parent or the child? Do you define quality time when you take your kid to the childrens symphony on Sunday afternoon or is it when he refuses to eat his lunch at daycare because he's upset and needs a hug. Who's giving him that hug, well it isn't mom or dad and is that quality time.(off my soapbox) And I don't know if that is still the case or not.

But there are also many parents who need to work to pay the bills and so the choice is often taken away from them by virtue of todays costly living.

It has to be your choice, a mutual choice that is best for your family.

blfenton - I always worked full-time, with a commute, mostly as a single parent, and it worked out just fine for my children. They are both happy, well-adjusted, independent adults. I have loving, close relationships with both of them.

I was very much a hands-on parent. We had dinner together every night. I attended every school conference, dance recital, gymnastics competition and track meet. We had sleep-overs, trips to the library and decorated Christmas trees. My kids got plenty of hugs growing up and they still do! It was a tremendous amount of work, but I have no regrets.

One of the biggest pitfalls I have witnessed in the stay at home dilemma has been how people react to the circumstances that led to their decision and the degree to which the decision could be reversible.

One of my friends chose to stay at home because her profession was not lucrative (English professor.) The cost of her continuing to work as a non-tenure track prof in our area was too high once you factor the cost of working and being taxed at her husband's earning level. So for her staying home was the only practical choice, hence not a true choice. Staying home represented a failure of her ability to earn enough money and that colored everything about the decision. This friend absolutely loathes herself for not having been able to work. She has communicated this position to her children loud and clear might I add, which has not been for the best in their relationship.

My profession is lucrative and so my choice to stay home is more freely taken- however- at some point it became clear to me that the choice to go back to work would disappear if I did not take strong action to keep it open (I am a securities lawyer.) I cannot overstate the amount of panic I felt when I realized that my initial choice was fast becoming no-choice at all.

Removing the element of choice from the decision can have an impact on how you feel about it.

With respect to the discussion about isolation and camaraderie among other stay at home parents, I would have had a very hard time navigating the early years without a solid coterie of friends and the ability to hand my children over to my husband the instant he walked in the door once a week so I could go off an decompress. My friends did not need to be in the exact same situation as I was in, but it was great having friends who had been there before me, who could tell me what to expect.

I have no regrets about being a 100 percent stay at home parent. There is a stigma attached to the decision in some circles, which is a long and complicated topic worthy of many dissertations. I will say if you are affected by what people think of your choices, then you could be in for some difficulties.

"Also, staying at home can be incredibly mind-numbing when you're used to being out in the world using your brain".

I find that statement incredibly insulting to everyone who is/were a stay-at-home parent. Surely, you didn't mean it the way it sounded.

No, woodrose, I didn't mean to insult anyone and I apologize if it sounded that way. The point I was trying to make is that many people don't enjoy the SAHP lifestyle, but feel uncomfortable saying it out loud for fear of being judged as a cold or unloving parent. If you're used to working in a stimulating career the transition to full-time caretaker can be rocky. There should be no shame in deciding it's not a good option. A happy parent is a good parent, regardless of his/her work status. There is no one right way to raise children as this thread demonstrates.

Sorry if I offended anyone. Mea culpa.

I didn't read it as insulting. When I read it I put the emphasis on the "out in the world" part. There are many ways of using your brain. I am an extrovert, so my brain likes to be interacting with people a lot. I CAN use my brain when I am alone, but it is not my preferred way using it. I crave people interaction. I am a teacher of young children (among others) and although I love interacting with little kids, I could not exist on a steady diet of it without a counterpart. I used to work at a camp and lived with kids around 24/7. It is a skill set to survive that atmosphere. My folks came to visit me when camp was in session and about had a nervous breakdown after one day!

We made financial decisions, like mortgage, 401 and car purchases based on one income from the beginning of our marriage knowing that we would have a stay at home parent when we had children. The larger earner stayed on and I am home. We plan to switch roles in eight years so my DH can retire before sixty and I will work for health benefits and a change of pace. I am a few years younger than my husband. We have no regrets and respect that we each have pluses and minuses in our designated roles.

I feel like it is my responsibility to be a bit of a typical housewife, i.e. Childcare is just a part of my responsibilities. I clean, do the marketing , laudry, bills, arrange appointments, lawn care and volunteer in the school. It can be very tedious but it is also something I enjoy too. I am a homebody by design. I also feel if I get too bored I can always find another job but we will never have another chance to raise our own young children again.

I feel very fortunate that we are in a financial place which affords us the opportunity to choose how we raise our children. Many have no choices.

My husband was a SAHP, but he didn't start at birth, I was single when I had her, and I didn't meet my husband until she was 3, we married when she was almost 4, so I can't speak to infant care.

My husband, despite a degree from an incredible school, and a fancy boarding school education, always worked in non profits, so he never made any money and was underappeciated and overworked, and basically hanging on for the health insurance (pre ACA), so when we decided to get married, he said he'd like to quit his job and look for another one, alternately, he could stay at home with the kid (she adored him from day one, and vice versa). We took that route, we put her in a pre school close to our home for 3 partial days a week and he took on the job of SAHP. He turned out to be really good at it, and loved the freedom. I loved that if she was sick, I just said "Good luck" and went to work. When I got home from work dinner was ready, the house was relatively clean (neither of us are neat freaks), the lawn was moved, etc. When she went to school our schedules worked out so that I took her to school and she rode the bus home, he was at the bus stop every day till she was in 3rd grade or so, then she walked from the bus home, about 1/3 mile on a private road. He stayed home till she was a junior in HS, then he started substitute teaching, at her school, and it was a gas, he loved the kids, she (mostly) loved him being there and she got to stop riding the bus home (school busses are for little kids, dontcha know).

Now, downfalls, he never cared about money or prestige, so it didn't bother him at all to lose the professional continuity. I made a good salary, which was ours, not mine, and this is a point that I cannot underscore enough, no separate accounts, no secret spending, full access for everyone. It wasn't a problem for us, but another couple I know had real issues with it, he worked, she stayed home, and he was a freaking miser, and wanted full financial control, it practically ended their marriage, and honestly, anyone could have seen it a hundred miles away, they never co mingled funds, always had money secrets from each other, etc., then, bam, he income goes away and he starts to be a dick about giving her "his" money. We are both independent and kinda hermit-ish, so that wasn't a problem either. He had to learn how to braid hair, do laundry to my standards (I am picky about how my work clothes are handled) and cook a wider variety of foods, he is a very good cook, but his reperatoire was, ahem, limited, as was his imagination. We had to start meal planning together, otherwise we would have had omelets or crepes ( or hot dogs, gag me) every other night, I think the real issue was timing, it took him a very long time to understand that if you want to eat before 9 pm, dinner prep/plan has to start before 5:30. It was a problem, and unless we planned out the dinners for the week together, it kept happening, and was a bone of contention for me, cuz I'd walk in the door to a hangry kid, a harried husband and no proper meal ready, which pissed me off. I had to loosen my dining expectations, he had to step up his timing game, and we worked through it.

Another sticking point was the "extras", I had to say things like, uhh, it's May, can we put the snowpants and boots in the basement, please? Not so much the everyday, he vacuumed, dusted, cleaned bathrooms just fine, but the special things, gee, dear, we are going to Florida next week, some summer clothes have to be pulled out and washed, that kind of thing. He also never got plant watering, one time I came home from a biz trip and several plants were dead, he literally hadn't noticed.

My honest opinion, and yeah, it's probably sexist, is that men of my husband's generation (we are oldest Gen X'ers) weren't taught to take care of a home, and thus are less prepared to do all the extras. Childcare and nurturing, he had that down, but as I said, the homemaking (not housecleaning) nuances, he just didn't get until I asked him to start doing them. Once asked he did, no complaints, but the flourishes, if you will, of homemaking, was something I felt I would have been on top of had the roles been reversed. I had to let go of stuff, he had to step up, and it worked out great for us, and especially for our daughter, who had the luxury of being in her own home when sick, not being dragged from pillar to post while we juggled our jobs and schedules and seeing a man in the role of homemaker and caretaker.

No one, including you, knows what the potential pinch points are, but there will be one, or more, and you have to be ready for it, and both parties have to compromise and not let resentment build up or it will be a shi! show for everyone, especially your son. Good luck.

einportlandor - I was simply relating the arguments that were being spouted at the time that I quit work. Had I been able to rely on good quality daycare, who knows what my decision would have been. You made the decision that was best for you and your family and I did the same.

My last statement of my post states that that is the important thing.

I mostly stayed home until DS was almost 3 and then DH mostly stayed home after that, but we both had a lot of flexibility to help each other out. We were so fortunate to be able to do that, it worked out so well. DH wasn't a real baby person, but he loved being the stay at home dad once DS was fun. DH is a total extrovert and he had no problem hanging out with the moms and stepping in when any of the neighborhood or school kids needed a ride or a parent needed babysitting help. DS is an only child and honestly I think his childhood was so much more fun than it would have been if I would have been the primary parent responsible for fun and setting up playdates - i.e. probably would not have happened!

The early years were hard for me - I love my child more than life itself, but he was boring when he was a baby! HA! And then he started talking and that exhausted my introvert personality :) Was it hard - no, not in the literal definition of the word, but it is different and I found it difficult at times. I was very fortunate that DH's job was so flexible and he was so helpful. DS was attached to me - if I was home, I was the one he wanted for everything and DH would take the backseat. I had to physically leave the house or DH had to take DS and leave in order for me to have a break. He walked in many evenings to the baby handoff as I headed out the door.

Babies change the relationship - no doubt. They take time and energy and if you tend toward anxiety like I do - they exacerbate that for sure. But what a gift of true love. I just tried really hard not to have any regrets. And for me, that meant one of us being home with him if we could at all swing it. Everyone is different and there are great parents and great kids that flourish with all sorts of arrangements. Good luck!

To me it would be good for a parent to be home full time until the child needs socializing and pre-schooling and on to those half days of kindergarten. One could do a part time job for a few hours in the morning during that pre&K time and if possible stay in the loop of a previous field. Once the child starts school full time you could both re-evaluate.

For me...my husband worked around 78 hours a week during season so after my first born was 2 1/2 I gave up full time out of the home work. I just could not keep up with it all, especially after the 2nd was born. When I stopped it did cause tension. My husband wanted to keep the money coming in. I felt he didn't realize how much I was doing with almost no help. This included home maintenance. Plus, I had no family near. Although that adjustment was tough and stained for a bit I don't think our marriage would have survived me continuing to work outside the home.

We are still together and happy almost thirty five years later : )

My children are now a Junior in HS and a Freshman in college so this is quite a ways in the past for me, but I think I am still quite scarred.

I ended up as a SAHP when one of my kids became sick with 2 different auto-immune diseases and need some pretty intensive monitoring that I knew I could do best.

I really think it is more important to be home with the kids when they are older. If I could have kept to my original plan I would have stayed working until the kids were in Middle School and then tried to work less to be home after school in the grade 4 and up years. That to me is when the 'real' trouble can start. My plan might not be good for some, I have friends whose kids had learning issues, and then you have to be there to be on top of the school and the administration to make sure your kids needs are met.

Everyone's story is different. and the thing is you dont know what your story will be. Life changes and surprises us all the time.

I want to amend my response a bit. While I told the truth about my circumstance as well as my very close friend's, I feel like my two stories add up to a misleading tale- that the only way to decide to stay home is if you can financially decide not to. I don't believe that at all.

At the bottom of it, you have to believe in the concept of a family economy where each member's contribution is valuable to the common good, and need not be convertible into cash in the short run.

You also have to take a leap of faith and believe your marriage will survive - because if your marriage collapses, the stay at home spouse loses an inordinate amount of earning power. And of course divorce is not the only peril to a family economy. Spouses can be incapacitated- and then what if you cannot take over in his or her stead?

I am an optimist and I was brought up with a strong belief in the value of all people's work, whether they drove the taxicab or ran the company that made the cab, there is no idiotic work is a French saying inculcated in me (Il n'y a pas de sot travail,) so I took the risk.

I had never intended to be a stay at home parent. What I imagined I wanted before having my first child and what I did once I had him are polar opposite scenarios. So long as we were able to afford my staying home, I know that is what I would have done, regardless of how much money I could have earned.

Yes, it was very nice having the choice to rely on my husband's earnings and knowing that my earnings would be strong enough to justify the additional expenses of my working- however- I would have been fine coming at the decision from being a journalist- my other- far less remunerative, vocation which would not have made any economic sense for me to ply instead of staying home.

Even with my husband's very nice income, we lived in a minuscule, rented house for ages, so that we could afford my staying home and private school. There were no big trips- no fancy cars, yada, yada. Our money went into school and my husband's company.

Like me, my friend did the opposite of what she imagined herself doing. Being a stay at home mother feels like an anachronism to her. Her parents both worked. She did not see the material value she contributed to the family economy- she saw risks and sacrifices and she never became comfortable with those.

Others here have said it better than I have. You have to know yourself and understand the dynamics ahead of you. There is no one answer. Our upbringing and sense of self play such important roles in how we envision ourselves operating in the world. We have to remain true to ourselves or we risk alienating ourselves from ourselves- and that is not a good thing for parents or children.

ETA perhaps the French phrase would be better translated as 'there is no unworthy work.'

I really really appreciate all the input! I’m going to share a lot of these posts with my husband. Ultimately it will be his decision. For me, on the selfish side, I like the idea of leading a less hectic family life. As a person who grew up with two working parents, I hadn’t considered the pros and cons for Em as I’d be fine with him in daycare. But it is interesting to read the points about being able to be more involved with the school and so on.

I was lucky to be a stay at home mom for my first kiddo. I did do some consulting from home and my Ex (who wasn't at the time, had a pretty flexible schedule) I enjoyed it and I hope that after all these years no one would say to your husband as they did to mine...oh, you are babysitting your baby....

If you guys can figure out the division of labor, etc (My DH2 is retired and I work...he is good at taking care of a lot but we still grocery shop together or I do it....and sometimes we have a little thing about something not getting done and we have adult kids (each from our blended family). I like the idea of having someone there but it is no longer available to most.

You are an incredibly smart woman and it sounds like your DH is a wonderful man...if you can I bet you can make it work. Best to you.

I really think it is more important to be home with the kids when they are older. If I could have kept to my original plan I would have stayed working until the kids were in Middle School and then tried to work less to be home after school in the grade 4 and up years. That to me is when the 'real' trouble can start.

FWIW, I totally agree with this. I know many do not. I feel that there are many people who can very ably fill the caretaker role for newborns, toddlers, etc. Yes, one may prefer that is a parent, and yes, in any event one wants and needs to bond with their young child. But I think a good proportion of young children's needs can be met by non-parents.

But, middle school and high school is when they can come home moody and need someone to pay attention and subtly get them to open up. It is when they need an ear and advice. It is when they look for you in the bleachers at their games. It is when they can get in real trouble and start to create a reputation and a real, permanent academic record. It is when they are simultaneously holding on and pushing away. These needs are things I strongly prefer my husband and I provide.

I could not agree more about being home when a child is in middle and high school. As a single parent and teacher trying to make ends meet, I left in the morning before my son did and he always arrived home before I did. I have always regretted that decision. I am glad I was home until he went to kindergarten though. Best case scenario for me would have been staying at home until the child started school and then being home again when he became a teen.

I will always feel blessed I was able to stay home with my children until the last one entered first grade. After that, well I chose to move from being a Professional in the schools to a Teacher's Aid so my hours were exactly what my kids' were so I was home when they were. All the financial realities have been discussed already. I just have to say more important than all that is their souls, their moral fiber. The world has its priorities for the forming of those parts of a child. I have mine. An institution would not have supported what I want my children to be as adults. I see it day in and day out in my students, raised in day cares. They were well cared for physically and maybe emotionally (but that is debatable) for sure they did not learn the responsibility that is learned through family working together i.e chores. It is these things that elevate self confidence. Praise is a great thing but it is DOING and the learning in DOING that makes one FEEL capable and believe in one's self. It comes down to why did you have your son? What did YOU want him to be in the world and who will guide him the most consistently, lovingly, fastidiously? If the answer isn't YOU or your husband, then I really really do not understand why people choose to be parents. BUT then day care is a perfectly acceptable place for your child to be raised. I can say the stay at home crowd is getting smaller and smaller and it becomes a challenge to find play mates for children at home and events for them to get out of the house for. My son is in debate with his intended over this issue. Their incomes are equal and both alone more than enough to raise a family on. She is a modern gal totally brain washed to think it will diminish her to stay home, so he wants to take on the task for no other reason than conviction it is best for children. Time will tell what actually happens--they aren't even married YET. I just grieve for parents and children who let those precious FEW years slip by and have no real awareness of the impact that can be made.

I actually think it’s great for kids to have a wide circle of influence of kids and adults around them. In fact I think it’s very important for teenagers in particular to have adults in their lives that are not their parents. So I think if both parents work it’s fine, it’s the way I was raised and the way most of my friends and relatives were raised as well. Then again my values are pretty in step with the wider Canadian society Which is quite liberal and open-minded so we weren’t hearing different messages st school and home. I would feel differently about this if we were somewhere out of step with my values, for example a very conservative or religious school district. My concern is more with the time pressures and stresses of family life.

Robo, I want to add on to what I posted with information about how it changed the dynamic between DH and me.

I would not have thought it was fair if my husband expected to come home to a spotless home every night. Frequently he came home to a much messier house than he would have if I had been at work and the kids had been in daycare. Parenting is a physical endeavor. And as a professional project manager, each day had a plan - LOL

I would research and plan a week- we did countries, authors, artists, history, etc. and each one had field trips, books, music, meals, etc... Laundry and dusting were not my priorities. Sure, there was always dinner, but DH was responsible for the dishes. And if he needed his dry cleaning picked up, he did it. Just like he did before we had kids.

Before the kids were in school, there were many times that I felt like I had less to say that would be of interest to people. After all my 'world' had gotten very small, it centered around these 2 beings, their growth, their intellectual enrichment. What I was doing was great, it was rewarding, but it was very insular. If your DH is prone to depression this can be a real challenge.

As the kids became school age, I got involved with the school and my world grew. But there was a lot of 'politics' in some of those school experiences that I loathed. Think of the movie Mean Girls and I didnt fit it. I forged my own path, I drew in some supporters but again, I was in my own small world. I had to learn to be OK with that.

I really missed people valuing me the way I was valued in the office. I dont think this ever went away. Being a great gardener, starting a farmer to family direct food buying service, organizing CSAs, teaching literacy to immigrants, starting a bike swap, doing the statistical analysis for a non-profit, none of it felt as good.

I went back to work full-time when the kids were 12 and 14, because I my old employer called me and they said "sure, work from home, flexible hours, whatever." I feel like I became a happier, more fulfilled person again. I feel like all my dimensions are back in play, and that a portion of me that had been on the shelf has been freed. My children benefit greatly by seeing this side of me.

Such an interesting conversation! I come to this from the perspective of a parent who has never not had a job, although I spent my children's early childhood years working part time.

I personally find it offensive to read posts with the general tenor that a SAH mom means that one is 'raising my own children'. Working mothers are also raising their own children for heaven's sake!

My other prickle is the canard about moms' employment being acceptable only if she 'has to work' ie that working is ok if and only if the family will be destitute without her earnings. Um, how about working because one finds it fulfilling, challenging and rewarding? We never were in a situation in which we could not have managed financially on one income. However for me, being financially dependent on anyone is not something I ever would have wanted or found comfortable.

I've also found tremendous satisfaction in my professional life over the years and I have never felt that my children or family suffered because I worked. Actually just the opposite-both my adult kids are incredible adults with good careers, and in my son's case an egalitarian marriage to a strong and capable woman building her career as well. I always taught my daughter that life will bring choices and they are hers to make--but that I truly hope she always has the wherewithal to support herself, regardless of what she and a future partner choose to do.

That said, having a parent at home or at least someone handling the logistics of daily life certainly can make life easier on the family unit. That's just logical--running a home and managing a family is a job. If both parents work it means 2 parents or more often 1 parent as manager and 1 as staff (and it's usually mom in my experience who manages) have to fit that job in along with working outside the house. As mentioned I went to a PT schedule and slowly ramped up my work hours as they got older. It definitely made our family life easier to manage but life was more hectic and stressful for sure than it probably would have been if a parent stayed home full time.

There are middle grounds of course. As mentioned, I worked only part time for several years. I also had the incredible blessing of having grandparents who were my kids' caretakers when we both were at work. And I had a husband who was 100% on board as an active partner. Still I know plenty of other families who raised great kids while both working and sending the kids to daycare. And plenty of families who did the same with a parent at home and one working. It's not a simple better or worse comparison. I do think in general the next generation of young parents is more evolved than ours was. The model of mom at home doing all the household and child rearing while dad goes to work to bring home the money is fading now, for the best I believe. All the young dads I know are a lot more hands on in their kids' and their household's lives.

I also agree that the middle school and teenage years are ones in which parenting presence is as or more important than when they are little. By the time my kids hit that stage I was working a full schedule and I took on a leadership role in the PTA at their high school (I'd always been involved throughout their entire school experience). Being PTA president meant I got to spend a lot of time behind the scenes and I really knew a lot about what was happening--plus they saw me and I saw them quite often while they were going about their days ;).

The only wisdom I really can offer is that with love, communication and respect any or all options can and do work to create a successful family. Whatever combination fits the needs of everyone is what is best for YOU!

Robo - One of my closest friends and her DH chose this path for themselves and their DD. She commented that it worked well for them but cautioned that you must have a relationship where you are comfortable discussing all the little 'hurts and slights' that arise. Obviously that's an important concept for anyone in a relationship but she felt that when parental roles are so different it's all too easy for little things to have a greater impact. She also said that they wished they had hired a nanny for the infant years before DH 'retired' so that they could have put aside extra money.

crl - one way to resolve the lower credit card rating is to have a credit card in your name only and then use that for all your purchases. There may be a lower spending level initially but you can raise that over time. The other option is to have a card with your DH but you are the primary card holder and your DH is secondary. My credit rating is higher than DH's because I do most of the purchasing for the house.

I would like to apologize for saying raising my own children. This was not meant to offend but I said it without explaining that my career entailed helping raise other people's kids, as a kindergarten teacher. I, literally, left a job caring for other children to care for mine full time. It was a selfish choice solely to make me happier not necessarily a benefit to my children, they would have been fine with a nanny or day care facility.

Arcy, more families have stay at home parents now than since 1999 and as a former teacher of small children I believe day care providers, over all, love their charges and emotional needs are very well met with quality daycare. Having working female role models is a very positive experience for children over all as well. A depressed unattached at home parent can do far more harm than happy, educated child care professionals could. There are too many facets involved to conclude that one way is best for all children.

Robo, re My concern is more with the time pressures and stresses of family life.

From Runninginplace: having a parent at home or at least someone handling the logistics of daily life certainly can make life easier on the family unit. That's just logical--running a home and managing a family is a job. If both parents work it means 2 parents or more often 1 parent as manager and 1 as staff

My DH made a sign for our house when the kids were young, it said, "She's management, I'm labor" There were many times I was tired of being management. But someone does need to keep all the plates spinning.

If someone is home all the 'crises' are more easily handled. The easy example is you don't have to have a sick kid plan.

One thing I dont think any of the posts have touched on is how will you feel if your DH stays home. I think I mentioned above that when healthcare needs caused the realization that one of us needed to stay home our salaries were fairly par. My DH could have been the one who stayed, he offered but said it was my choice. I choose to stay home because I couldnt have handled it being him. It's one thing to get pissed off at a caregiver/employee who doesnt follow your instructions about food, exercise, naptime, how to properly fold laundry, etc. It's another thing entirely to get pissed off at your DH. We would have been constantly fighting if he had been the SAHP. I am a bit of a control freak and he is haphazard. I am not sure our marriage would have survived.

i think alot of it depends on the attitude one has about being a stay at home parent. If someone goes into it happily and willingly and sees it as an opportunity, rather than feeling they are missing out, then the chances are they will enjoy it for the most part. Having been both a stay at home mum and also a working mum I felt the most difficult job was child rearing. Yes there were days when it wasn't the greatest - but the good days far outnumber that. And I take pride in how well my children (all in their 20's now) have turned out. I don't know what people do once their children turn 8 and older and both parents work full time. Where do the children go in the summer vacation? What about when the children are 12 -17. No way would I want them at home alone left to their own devices. The disadvantage of one income is just that. Perhaps not enough money to buy teenagers the "brand names" they seem to want at a certain age. But in our case the solution was that we would pay for the "basic" shoe (for example) and if they wanted a better one they had to find a job and pay for the difference. They all worked during the summer from the age of 14.

A lot of issues have been brought up, finances, and how you will take to the jobs at home. But I think the additional issue is how a male would handle these things. A lot of the issues nowdays are exactly the same, but there still may be some additional ones. The stay-at-home dads I know are from my social circle, and since I am a teacher/academic who works sometimes with disadvantaged and troubled kids, my social circle includes a lot of teachers and social workers. Those fields are dominated by women, so if a guy is already in that field, he is used to navigating a predominately female world. He has women colleagues and friends and his wife is used to that. My male stay-at-home dads were also extroverted mostly and were fine being the only guy in the carpool or at a play date, etc. They were also used to being around little kids A LOT, so it didn't bother them, they had already, by nature of their professions, come up with coping and management strategies. Robo, for your hubby who is in a technical field, I think this will be the biggest challenge! Managing people, and little people to-boot, is a unique skill set that is often overlooked as to how much hard work it can be. My current SO is an introvert and has almost no patience for people and their issues. He is a carpenter, wood and tools are a whole other ball game. Wires and machines, the same thing. I think some people go into technical fields so they won't have to deal with people all day long. So one has to really take a hard look at one's personality and see if they are up to the challenge.

Also, teaching and social work are fields where you can take some time off and not lose everything. What you lose can be made up with evening and online courses, since teachers have to constantly re-certify their skills anyway. If your husband wants to take some time off to re-fashion his career, taking care of Emmet might be part of that, but it could also be a time for him to focus on some areas he has always wanted to do. One of my friends is taking a sabbatical right now from her job, but she says she is not ruling out the possibility of a "second career." Actually for her it will be the third. She started out as a med. tech before her kids were born, was a SAHM when they were little, but kept going to the nearby library, started volunteering, then working, then got her master's degree in library science and worked her way up to director. You could see her house from the library, and she was able to be home quite quickly after work. My mom was a librarian, and during those teen years I would often walk to the library after school, do my homework there and catch a ride home with my mom. She was home 20 min. after work, so if I didn't do that, I would start dinner for her. No real teenage trauma. My brother was a pianist and always absorbed in his piano, so he never missed her! I learned to cook that way too. The point is, we had the flexibility to do that. My friend is happy to be able to focus right now on caring for her aging mother and her new grandson. She's consulting a bit with a library friends group and at some point may re-join the professional waters, but the point is, she made a thoughtful choice, not a forced one under stress.

One of my other stay-at-home dads did it during graduate school. Both he and his wife had flexible enough schedules to tag-team watching the kid when dad needed to be in class. Another social work friend of mine transitioned into managing a cottage rental adjacent to their house near a national park. When the kids flew the coop he went back for his masters degree in English and now leads poetry workshop weekends at his place. So again, staying at home was part of a larger picture for them as far as their lifestyles. This is the key, IMHO, that you and SO are on the same page, desired lifestyle wise.

I think your hubs needs to think about how he might like to use time off the hamster wheel of a 9-5 job to transition into the next phase of his life. Raising kids is important, but it is also part of a larger trajectory of your family life. My mom's career fit in well with her life as she envisioned it, but she did make career sacrifices to stay close to her family. She still bloomed where she was planted and it never bothered her. Some women might have resented it, and I know at least one of her friends left her husband because she could no longer tolerate the limited jobs and intellectual opportunities in our small town, and he was too rooted in the community to leave. This woman was a SAHM, but after the kids grew up, she went back to school and got on the career fast track. Age plays in here too. My mom had a career for ten years BEFORE she had kids, so staying at home for her was just a rest stop, one she gladly devoted herself to. Eventually she got so involved with projects and community work dad jokingly said, "If you are going to put in this much time, you should get paid." And the right job came along for her too, one in line with her career aspirations, but also in line with her family life. I think your husband should perhaps project his aspirations out beyond just the day to day caring for an infant, and see how it will all fit together. Sure, life throws you curves, but as a professional project manager, I will say that a little long range planning works wonders!

robo, I've found myself ruminating on this thread in my spare time.... I think we have all done quite a thorough job of presenting the pitfalls and difficulties that can arise for any SAHP, and that is probably a commentary on the complexities of that life that are difficult to see ahead. But I find myself wondering if we have missed the forest for the trees here just a little bit in our effort to provide insight. I consider it one of the GREAT gifts of my life that I was able to stay home with our children. Those years were a great awakening and helped me fully bloom into the person I am now. I was 34 when I began the SAHM adventure and had already been to college, moved across the country, embarked on and succeeded in a challenging career, etc. So I wasn't without growth opportunities before that. But it tugged at something deep within me to be my best version of myself, to give back to life, and to attend to something larger than I had previously. So for all the difficulties, I would do it again 1000 times over. I just didn't want that sentiment to get buried here.

I've not read through all the responses. I've not personally done this, but my son is a SAHD.

My son is an archaeologist, with his masters degree achieved at UCL London -- a profession that requires travel, so he gave it up when he and his wife had their first child (now there are two). The kids are 2 and 4, and there may be another coming. Each year, he teaches one month at a local university while that professor is on a dig. He writes, has developed software for his field. But, his primary full-time job is taking care of the children, the house, the finances, etc. He also has a degree in economics/CFP certification, so he's extremely involved in their investments. He'll be 34 this summer.

His wife is an anesthesiologist at a major, famous medical center. She is rather elite, being one of a few worldwide with certain training and achievement and she can't name names, but VIPs are often treated there. Her hours are very long--I've known her to work up to 80 hours in one week. Above 40, most weeks. Sixty hours is likely for several weeks per month. Her schedule rotates all the time -- days, nights, weekends. She's on call in rotation, and works in organ transplants as well as neurosurgery. She'll be 37 next month.

They seem to be happy with this arrangement, but given my son's age, I'm one who worries. I worry about his longterm personal satisfaction and self-esteem. Heaven forbid they ever divorce or she dies, it would be very difficult for him to establish a career in anything, with such a big gap in employment -- in other words, I worry about his financial dependency on her if something horrible happened.

I'm often helping with the kids in the evenings when she comes home, tired and quiet, from such a serious job. I hear her ask my son if he did "xyz" or "what did he do that day." It's in his answer that I detect a bit of defense in his time spent on useful things, rather than being slack. It may just be my "mom filter" and there may be nothing to it at all.

At their wedding rehearsal dinner, my DIL's father even commented to me that my son's career wasn't a money-maker like his daughter's. So, there's that, too. My son doesn't have the respect from her father.

I can't speak for you and your husband, but I can bring up the mother/MIL concerns.

I worked full time for seven years before having our first child, and was able to go back to work 2 days/week when she was 4 months old. Luckily my mother was her caretaker. DH worked long hours building his career. As child 2 and 3 were born my mother did provide the infant/toddler care. After that we had caregivers come to our home. When the youngest was in high school I added a day, working 3 days/week. DH made sure to attend all the sporting events if I couldn’t be there. Oftentimes we were both there. Once again I changed my hours to be home earlier. DH had lots of flexibility at that point in his career, which helped our family life.

Being home with teenagers is so important if you have that choice. That is when they need you most, in so many ways. We both feel fortunate for the time we had with our children, who are grown and are settled into their careers.

i went back to work full-time 10 years ago, a career change, and now teach in a regional vocational high school. My students are mostly from low income immigrant families. Every student in my school gets free breakfast and free lunch. Some do not eat much, if any, dinner. Many are from single parent households and have responsibilities caring for younger siblings, or they work part time to contribute to the household. Every day I am thankful to have had so many choices, being keenly aware that not everyone does.

Robo, could your husband work part time or consult from home? This will not be an easy decision, but you have time to look at all your options.

dyhgarden reminded me - Life Insurance. (chances are. dyh, that your son has this taken care of). When I quit work we took out life insurance on both of us (beyond our mortgage insurance). We calculated how much my DH would earn over a certain number of years, how much college would be, enough to fill up our RESP's for the kids. etc, etc, and took out what we could afford. Even if I went back to work I could never make what my DH made.

To calculate how much to take out on me we figured out day care costs, housekeeping costs, and some extra that would go directly to the kids for a nest egg. We've been able to lower both policies now that the kids are on their own but I still have my nest egg policy for them. :)

Anyway, just something else to figure out should you make this choice.

Lots of good advice on this thread for you, Robo. The right decision is what is best for you and your family.

I have no child-rearing advice, but my comment is that life can get busy and take over if we let it. Whatever you decide, make sure that you and DH take the time -- once a day, once a week, once a month -- to be a couple. That is how you started, and that is how you will be once the kids are out in the world.

tackykat, excellent advice. My late mother always told me to make sure to set aside time for dates, because before you know it the children will be grown and you do not want to find yourself married to a stranger. It is so true, now with an empty nest, I am grateful for that advice. My parents had a long and very loving marriage.

I once read one of the best gifts parents can give their children is a happy marriage.

No real life advice as we have no kids. I will say that DH has had a few employment sabbaticals during which time he became somewhat of a homemaker. At least he did laundry, grocery shopping and made lovely dinners, ready for me when I got home and took care of all the errands and the like. We continued to have a housecleaner as I knew that wouldn't work out with him doing it. I loved it when he was home - so much easier for me. I was kind of sorry to see it come to an end. He was a very good sport about it and without kids, had time to enjoy himself as well. I can't imagine him as a stay at home dad. He would have a great time but it would be all about fun and no responsibility.

The other thing I will add is that both my parents worked when I was a kid. I longed to have a stay at home parent like the rest of my friends. Granted times have changed but as a kid I still think it would be great as long as the kid isn't too pampered. I do appreciate the level of independence I developed without a stay at home parent hovering over me.

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone here for the amazing insight and perspectives. Gives dh and I a lot to talk about. I am going back to work in just over a week, can’t believe how fast the last six months have flown by! The ideal would be him working part time (2d/w) but part time work seems hard to come by.

Thanks for this question, a very interesting discussion has followed and it is fascinating to hear everyone's wisdom and experiences.

The comment about part time work being hard to come by really resonates with me. I was in and out of the work force through my early parenting years and tried repeatedly to transition to part time in my profession without success. I have no regrets about ultimately leaving full time work, but ideally I'd have liked to keep a foot in the door.

I do think society has a long ways to go to value parents and other caregivers to the point that it's not 'all or nothing' in terms of full time vs part time and normalizing people moving in and out of the workforce as appropriate for families to thrive. I know some are finding that balance, hopefully we are moving that direction for more people!

Best of luck with your experience,