Even if he's mentally ill or addicted, it does him no good to be stewing in it at home, lashing out at mom. Addiction = residential rehab, with release to a halfway house that will help him set up an independent life. Mental illness = residential facility to get him fulltime therapy and stabilization, release to a halfway house that will help him set up an independent life. (I have a nephew who was stuck like this at 23, but all he wanted to do was yoga. Mom let it go and made excuses and was afraid for him. A little bit later he confessed that there was embalming fluid in the walls. Yep, schizophrenia, he'd had it full blown since 19, but since he'd never had psychosis, no one recognized it. Now he's 26, living in a halfway house, addicted to coracidin cough syrup, on full disability, and not managing too well--but absolutely incapable of living at home with his mom). Mental illness is not cured by sitting at home in front of the tv or sleeping 15 hours a day. And you cannot 'push' him into mental illness by making firm demands on him and expecting reasonable action. If it's mental illness that's holding him back, then he's mentally ill now as well as after he's pushed from the nest. You can however push him into crisis by escorting him out the door. And that would be a good thing, it will get his the acute help he needs. Perhaps Sophiesmom, you are 'afraid' because in your gut you know he's mentally ill and are walking on egg shells to help him keep it hidden--as long as it's not too obvious, we can pretend the scary beast isn't there, we can pretend it's just depression or low self esteem or immaturity that will resolve itself. Or maybe not. Walking on eggshells and ignoring the fact that this person is failing an important developmental step is not going to fix anything. It was one thing when he was passive, but he's now over the line into abusive. He pushed the limits, if you don't push back (in an appropriate way), you might as well show your belly. It's time to launch him into society, or know why not. Vaguely being afraid of the results is not a helpful response.

Robert, My husband has a similar situation with his adult son, SS29 soon to be 30 and his ex-wife. Cutting money off to your wife might be pretty hard with big fall-out for you. But, cutting your stepson off is another matter. Although you work out of the country you can say something like "when I come home I don't want SS there." I have a relative who did that with his brother-in-law and it worked. That puts them both on notice that the situation is unacceptable to you. You are out of the country so there is really not a lot you can do other than watch how much money you send. After 13 years, she should know how you feel. My adult SS29 sounds a lot like your SS. I am lucky that mine has always fallen back on his mother instead of on his father that I am married to. Still JUST SAY NO! It works.

In the beginning she did want him back, now (10yrs later) I think she just wants to cause trouble whenever and where ever she can. She has become a bitter man hating woman. She is always running men down and talking about how sorry they all are. I have really let go of the anger I feel towards her and mostly pity her. But it has all started up again with my SD's opinion. I think what bothers me most is my sister has told me for 10 years that blood is thicker than water and that my SD would eventually turn on me for her biomom. I swore that this would never happen because I would never ask her to take sides. But I forgot a very important part of the equation - THE EX/BIOMOM. Even though I didn't force her to choose - the biomom did. And I really don't talk to anyone about it because it hurts so much, because my hubby is tired of hearing, my family is full of ""I told you so's...". I am not leting it affect my life as much as you would think. But my SD will do things like call my biodaughter and ask if I am home and tell my biodaughter to call her when I am not there because she wants to come see her. (they are close - and I encourage my biodaughter to continue that sister relationship. I am trying to keep this as low impact as possible....) For example: If I ask SD when she plans to enroll in college she says I am implying she is wasting her life. But if I don't ask her they she says I don't take any interest in her like I do my own daughter. So either way - I can't please her. I guess it's because she is just hunting a reason to be mad at me. Once she told her dad that she doesn't come over because I won't make my 11year old son treat her like an adult. Her and my 11 year old have been siblings in the same household since he was 9 months old. He can't remember not knowing her... He looks at her like his biosister.... So when he jokes with her or acts like a typical little brother she claims because he is 11 and she is 20 now that he should address her like an adult. She wants to be treated like an adult but she still comes over to our house and acts like a child. When she came over and had dinner with us a couple of months ago I ask her to put her dirty dinner dishes in the dish washer. WE ALL DO THAT and ALWAYS HAVE. It's a rule in our house. I wasn't asking her to clean up from dinner - simply load her dirty dishes... She had a fit because she said that I was treating her like a child and bossing her. I load my dishes and so does my husband and the other three children. It is just stuff like that with her... Every time we interact it is drama. Sometimes I leave thinking "Ok, that went well. Nothing could be misconstrued tomorrow. That was a pleasant day/dinner/event." THE VERY NEXT DAY she is telling her dad or my biodaughter something I did that hurt her feelings and saying that is the reason she hates me. My biodaughter is torn because she grew up with my SD but she has strong loyalty to me and knows I am not doing these things... I just tell my biodaughter to stay out of it and ignore it as best she can. I don't want to drive a wedge between all of us if it can be avoided. And part of me holds on to the hope that she will wake up one day and realize what a hateful, bitter person she has become.

As harsh a reality as that is and it sometimes can be completely insane, Deborah is right about the "cub" thing. You better play it smart or else you will be kicked to the curb never the son. A son can be a spoilt, selfish, lazy and useless brat and the mother will still fend for the cub. He could even be a total pyscho and most mothers will fend very strongly. In this case he belongs to the former rather than the latter and this is the case most of the time. I have a step son who is 13 and I am sending him to live with his Grandparents. I had to play it very smart to get this to occur. The step son uses me and shows no respect he never has. The first time he ever met me when he was 10 years old he asked me for money. He hits his grandfather and shouts at him when his grandfather tries to assert himself. This boy has run the joint ever since he was born. If he did something wrong, grandma would give him some candy or some money. His mother is a single mother and the father abandoned her and the son and daughter who is a fantastic girl turning 14 this year. She works her ass off and I have nothing but respect for what she has done since I got involved in their lives. But the step-son is different and is actually undermining her development. This was especially so before I entered the picture when the daughter was a wreck always moaning and upset yet unable to verbalise her feelings. She was ignored while the step son who is useless in an economic sense continued to rule the roost. Despite these kind of factors mothers will do anything to fend for the cub. My way of getting him to the grandparents was to argue that they give him what he wants, and that the cost of me disciplining him at this late stage is just to great. The house would be a warzone, a pitched battle between me and the step son to get him to take responsibility and to demonstrate respect for the fact that I dragged him and his entire family out of borderline poverty. He does not give a shit that I did that because he is no longer in control. When his family was poor they still spoilt him. They are still poor now mind you but they will never fall below the poverty line; i am their security guarantee. A 13 year old boy is old enough to understand this in theory. Especially the MASSIVE change in living standards. They lived in a 'house' the size of a small bathroom with 6 people and rats running around it. I pulled them out and all i get is used by the step son who actually prefers the old life because he was the boss and did whatever he wants. When I tried to control him it became war and instead of continuing it I said to his mother, you know what, he now knows that he can not beat his elderly grandfather and shout at him (because I grabbed him by the throat when he did it). With that control mechanism in place, he knows that if he does it again I will take it further because that is just beyond the pale, beating or hitting and screaming at your grandfather who loves you and kept you alive slaving in a factory for 60 hours a week for a paltry 25 dollars for the entire week...So with that being said, I argued that he should go to the grandparents for now, they love him and will spoil him gladly and he will be very happy as he can do whatever he wants. Me on the other hand, I want to vomit when I see it and refuse to do it. The cost of trying to get him to play ball in society is not worth the result because he is not my son. But my argument to the mother was not that, because I would have triggered the 'cub defence mechanism' that is inbuilt in all mothers. My argument was simple: (1) he will be loved and there will be no real conflict (2) the grandparents love him to pieces and are happy to take him (3) he will be happy there and you (the mother) will not have to worry about me disciplining your son anymore (3) (i actually most left this part out though) her daughter can focus on her study without her brother and grandfather taking over the house with their bullshit (grandfather cooks fried pork fat hotdogs and fried chicken for step son every morning) the daughter eats it because it is what is there - that will change when the step son and grandfather go back to the grandmother's house. Moral of the story is if you want to get rid of a step son you have to make it benefit him 90% + with very little downside to him personally; in my case it helps that he never liked me despite what I did to get him out of poverty. So easier to get rid him. Also I pay the bills. Depending on what your situation is you have to tailor your reasons accordinly, but if you want to succeed you must make getting rid of him a plus for him personally and not for yourself. Otherwise you will trigger 'mother cub mechanism' and it is GAME OVER if you do that. Find a way to make getting rid of him a net benefit for him and make sure that he is in a safe loving environment. You won't succeed in having him go to a less safe environment because that will trigger the mother. BE VERY SMART and capitalise on ANY viable opening you might have.