Lost my mom last week
8 years ago
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I feel so alone...lost my mom on June 29, 2011
Comments (13)Hi Cinful...I know exactly what you mean...when the doctors told her 3-6 months left, I thought I would never stop crying, and I didn't want our last moments together to be miserable. I know we said everything we wanted and needed to say to each other, but in the end, I still worry that there may have been something else left unsaid, something I forgot to ask her, or something from the past that we just wanted to remember. We only got about 2 months together at the end, and even when it finally happened it seemed like it just couldn't be happening already. I am sorry that you are alone, I do have children and a husband, but we all lived together, and they really do not understand what I am going through. I feel like I am alone, except that I can't just break down all the time, I have to be strong...it feels like it is killing me to do that though. I really just want to crawl into bed and stay there. The one thing that keeps me going is that my mom asked me to. She told me to be strong for HER, and to be happy for HER. I am not happy, but I am being as strong as I can be. That means not thinking of her too often, or all I would do is cry. But I know she knows that. She bought me a journal at the end, and I didn't think it would help, but it has. I write to her as much as I can, everyday in the beginning, and I tell her the things I would have told her if she were here. It does help. My mom was my everything too...even though I have other family, and children, she was it. Every moment of the day we were together...have been for 42 years. She has sent me signs since she's been gone, I know a lot of people don't believe in that, and think it is wishful thinking, but it's not. Keep an open mind after everything is over, don't shut yourself down. Stay with your mom till the end, try not to feel guilty...I know that even though my mom and I talked about everything, I still felt guilty when she passed, like maybe there was more I could have done. I am trying to get past that. I feel so bad for you, and your dad...maybe try to be strong for him, as I have to for my baby...it helps to be there for someone else, when all you want to do is go with your mom. I know at least for me that is true. When she first got sick, I thought I would go with her in the end, but I cannot go right now. My family needs me, my baby needs me. I think that is why he happened so late in my life...he was my lifeline from God...Take care, please let me know how you are doing, and I will do the same....See MoreMy Mom Just Passed Away
Comments (8)Marion, thanks for the kind words. Funny thing is my parents next door neighbor at their old house in Detroit is named Marion. And she was one of only a few people that called my mom on the phone to talk. My mom was blind for her last 15 years on Earth and the phone was a lifeline. I called her twice a day religiously and took her shopping (she loved to shop..even being blind..I would describe things to her and she would 'feel' them). I should call her friend Marion. Every summer I would take some of my homegrown tomatoes to her and I didn't do it this year (shame on me). Anyway, I have had several 'signs' from my mom. The first one was a couple of weeks after she passed. I was half asleep and wandered out to the kitchen in the middle of the night to get a drink. I heard a loud voice say 'DUANE'. And since I was a little groggy I said 'what?' I thought it might have been my wife. But I went back to the other end of the house and my wife was fast asleep. My mom got one word to send me from the other side. Just my name, but it was very surreal. Twice after that after awakening and lying in bed a strong smell permeated the room...it was like fresh cut flowers...very strong smelling..but natural..not perfumy. That scent stayed in the air for about a minute and a half...and as the flower scent faded I got just a whiff of fresh cinnamon. Those three events have convinced me there is another 'side' and somehow my mom was able to get the word out. Thanksgiving 2006 the family was gathered for dinner in my mom and dads basement rec room. There was a knock on the window...3 knocks actually...knock knock knock. I ran upstairs and went outside...nobody there....then the phone rang...my sister has a friend who is a renowned psychic (I don't know her name) and she called to say she had a strong message come over from my mama. She said my mom said 'nice glasses' and I like the roses. We aren't sure what the rose comment was about, but my mom always insisted on drinking her diet coke out of a glass...and we were all drinking out of tin cans (I know..on Thanksgiving?) and we are sure she was either being sarcastic about our choice of dinnerware...or not..because both my dad and I were wearing new eyeglasses..his new and I had on an old pair that was taped up (pending my new pair from the optometrist). I also had a dream where my mom was lying dead ....and I cried and begged her to return to life...and she did...and then she said to me 'Duane...it's not good'. I hope she meant it wasn't good I brought her back...and not it wasn't good on the other side. That still bothers me. All for now. We are supposed to get 7-12 inches of snow over the next day and I better make sure the snowblower is in working order. I hope everyone has a good weekend and makes it through the holiday season. Cry when you need to, but try to find joy in the season. Remember earth is just a stepping stone on our spiritual journey. This is not the end, but just the beginning. Duane...See MoreLosing my mom has made me rethink hanging onto papers
Comments (9)I started a post, and then hit a key and lost it all. Phooey. First, I'm sorry to hear about your mom. It sounds like your brother and you are at peace with your decision and your loss, which is a great gift, but it sure must be sad sometimes. I'm sorry. My mom and dad came to the same conclusion on the deaths of their last surviving parent. My mom's mom had graduallymoved to ever-smaller, ever-more restrictive quarters, so it was gradual. And my dad's dad tried, honestly he did. And, he moved a few states away to live w/ my aunt, so he and my dad were able to weed out quite a lot. They had the same reaction, and started to just get rid of stuff in their homes. Of course, that's been awhile now..... I think that's a great gift to give your own kids, Marie. I read a post (was it here?) in which a woman said, she'd told her adult DDs that when she passed away, they were free to throw away, give away, whatever, her "treasures" (she had a little box of keepsakes, odd stuff but sentimental to her), and her possessions, because they were intended for HER lifetime, and not beyond. That sounds like a good idea, too--to free your kids et al. of the notion that just because you owned it, they honor you by keeping it. When my DGM died, my aunt sent me some "sentimental" stuff--my mom was hooting. They were just the things she happened to own at that time--they weren't important. Bathroom accessories in a rose theme--well, DGM liked roses, but those were just what they had at JCPenney the last time DGM needed to buy those things. They weren't important! I have a cousin that was thinking of taking the fabric from DGM's stash (she was a big sewer) and making everyone in the family a teddy bear (shiver...). My mom pointed out, gently, that those fabrics didn't MEAN anything emotional to DGM; they were just what she happened to have at the time. Some of them, she may not even have picked out! She sewed for other people, lots of times. Some stuff of hers WAS important to me--I got the cookie jar, which to this day I treasure and which helps me think of her often. That's enough. You may help enough just by keeping your TRULY valuable papers in a really good place, the photos in another good place, and telling your kids they should throw the rest out without even looking at it. It's useful to you, not to them! Steve, I like what you said about "theater of the mind." But sometimes we keep stuff we don't really need to "replay." You can buy NEW magazines (please, buy new magazines, so I can have a job), new books, etc. There's not really a need to keep stuff. But, on to practical matters. That stuff you'd like to pass on? Get one of those accordion folders w/ the dividers (alphabet, or 12 months), and label each for one kid. Then you've got a place to put that stuff. Maybe label one "Understanding Grandma better" and put notes to yourself (I think those might be really nice for your descendents to see), etc. Things that would truly tell someone, years from now, what you were like. And then be ruthless. If you haven't looked at that vacation stuff, it won't matter as much. Maybe you'll find 2 or 3 things from each that are worth hanging onto--something that helps you get STARTED remembering the trip. That should be enough. As for scrapbooking, well, I guess I'm unAmerican because I really don't approve. Sticking stuff in scrapbooks to look at later, yes. Getting creative w/ precut stuff and fancy letters, no. So get a big binder, buy some of those plastic page protectors (some divided for smaller stuff, some full size), and stick stuff in there. Just get it out of a box and into a book you can page through. The heck w/ labeling anything, making fancy borders, etc. Just stick the brochures into the pockets. And maybe set an arbitrary limit--no more than 5 mementos from every vacation. Because honestly, your brain is very flexible, it'll remember. And nobody else wants to look at your vacation mementos, really. And be tough; try to picture your kids 10 years from now--will they care enough to want to look at it? Will YOU? Stuff that's less personal--politics (which changes constantly), decorating idea, etc.--toss and get fresh. As if you were checking out library books from life....See MoreLost my father in law last week
Comments (49)Thank you so much, everyone. It's been a hard few weeks, trying to deal with the little details and stuff despite the mourning. Claude was very close with his dad. I didn't know him too well, but I loved him very much. I was so upset for Claude having lost his dad, but he seems to be coping okay. He certainly has his days and moments, but he'll be alright for sure. Sophie's take on things has actually helped us deal with it all. When Gerry first died she though it was so exciting that he was actually getting to finally meet Jesus right now! Whenever Claude is having a hard time she reminds him that Pépère is probably playing and running around and having a wonderful time in Heaven right now. We tend to focus on OUR grief rather than the fact that Gerry is in a much better place right now....See More
8 years ago
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