I feel your pain. I was in the same circumstance but only needed to spend 1 night. It was an eye-opener, for sure! I actually got food poisoning the next day.

I don't know, I have never had to deal with that kind of problem, I don't know take your own bedding! Be on a diet and only eat certain things!

Sue

You can always claim some sort of sleeping disorder or habit that makes it inconvenient to stay with anyone else - excessively loud snoring, sleep apnea, sleep walking or night terrors, need to use the restroom multiple times at night, etc. You don't need to be specific.......only that privacy is preferred or necessary.

Personally, I would always opt for a hotel over someone's home, even that of the world's cleanest and most diligent homemaker. I just prefer the freedom and anonymity of that sort of impersonal setting. Even among family!

Say you'll stay at the hotel. I do. I prefer it to someone's house under most circumstances. I just tell them that we have specific needs for sleeping which doesn't make us good house guests and that I don't want to burden them with our issues. The hosts usually breathe a sigh of relief!

Quite a dilemma!

I'm sorry that I don't have much of a suggestion to offer.

I'd probably just shrug my shoulders and go ... and I think of myself as somewhat immune to problems resulting from inadequately prepared/safeguarded food ... though I often had tummy upset following trips to visit churches and people in the countryside when living in South Korea, over 50 years ago - just after the Korean War.

And ... my first instance of dealing with a flush toilet and tap on a bathtub was when I lived in residence when I went to University ... let's see - in 1947 ... I get the feeling that that was about 70 years ago.

ole joyful

It would not hurt my feelings at all if someone wanted to stay at a hotel instead of my home. In fact, I'd prefer it. However, it would sting if it were my parents or a sibling ditching me for a hotel. But then again, I'd clean up for my parents and siblings. Tough situation. I'd go with the we have needs that do not make us good house guests.

I think you are worrying too much. I know you feel very awkward and uncomfortable about this because it's horrible to feel the way you do about someone else's home. Just say you've made a reservation at whatever hotel. If s/he asks why, you can tell whatever reason you actually want to stay in the hotel (not the reason of unsanitary conditions).

Sometimes if visitors stay in a hotel it gives people a break from each other. Visiting can be too much togetherness--first thing in the morning until bedtime is a lot. Everyone needs a little time to themselves each day.

Looking for more potential reasons to avoid overnighting at their place. Do they have dogs, cats, birds or other pets -- you could cite allergies. Carpeting, lots of papers, lots of knick-knacks are good for dust, many people are allergic to dust mites.

It's nice to not hurt feelings, but if this person's housekeeping is holding them back socially, maybe there's a way to bring up the subject. Along the lines of "Oh housekeeping is such a pain, and there's so little time to do the job right. What really helped me finally get my house under control was setting a timer and spending just 15 minutes a day in one room. Did that every day for a week or two and the whole house looked and felt better."

Yep your stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm not sure what I'd do. On the other hand I have people that would line up for a night in my beds. Lol. I know I'm tooting my own horn which isn't something I often do but I'm very proud of my bedding...Haha

Bossy I've known you to long in the laundry forum to know there's no way your sleeping in a bed less than absolute perfection.

Just be gentle and have a great nights rest at the hotel.

I like Annie's idea about talking about sleep issues. For one thing, it will be true, you may not sleep well if you are worried about sleeping in grime.

But Elmer's line is plain, matter of fact, and would work well also I think. Leaving everyone to go about the business of enjoying each other's company.

Please don't take nickel's advice, lol. That wouldn't go over very well!

Bleh...that’s not a fun situation to be in but ya know, if she doesn’t have the courtesy to clean the house up for guests then she shouldn’t be surprised. I would just say that my DH and I have chosen to stay at Such and Such hotel and leave it at that. You really don’t have to justifiy or explain your decision to anyone. I’m not trying to be rude or heartless but she’s an adult who can choose to respect your choice without being offended as most mature adults would, or she can allow it to hurt her feelings because she’s not in control of the situation; how she chooses to receive the news, isn’t really your responsibility.

Our house isn’t filthy by any stretch of the word but can still look lived in when it’s just my DH and I . However whenever a guest is expected it’s cleaned to a pretty high standard and rightfully so. Presenting a clean house is a hosts’ way of saying that the visitor is welcome and the visit appreciated. It goes hand in hand with offering a comfortable seat, a refreshing drink and/or something to eat.

I agree with the sleep excuse.

You can use me as an excuse. Just put your name in my place. "Oh I am up all hours of the night! Sometimes two or three times a night! I would hate to keep you up! We will both be happier if I stay at the motel! Just give me a call when you wake up, I will be awake! LOL!

I would use the sleep issue, if you don't want to do that pack your own bedding, Clorox wipes and slippers! Maybe shower shoes too.

Depending on what hotels are in the area and what the hotels' bedding is like... since hotels like to advertise their "Heavenly Beds," and some hotels have Tempurpedic beds, etc., you could always say that you are in the market for a new bed and want to stay at such-and-such hotel to try out their bed to see if it's one you'd want to get.

rhizo, you don't think constructive criticism would go over well? I'm shocked! LOL not really. I don't know the real-world people involved so just tossed out ideas for bossyvossy's consideration. So far, seems like that particular brain-storm was unique ....

I'd just tell them I "love" staying in hotels and am looking forward to it, like it's a special treat or something.

Thank you all so much. I think I will go w/Elmer’s suggestion to say: we will both be happier if I stay @ hotel. This person likes to cook and I will eat there, praying like crazy that I don’t get sick. eating there will be my sacrifice. Ha. I once approached the subject about cleanliness and all it got me was Family tension for about 6 mo. Don’t want a repeat of that.

Again, thank you all.

Probably not a good time to point out someone's iffy housekeeping, Nickel.

We rarely stay at someones house, even family. I sleep very well, but have my own hours. We are completely used to an open bedroom window at night and feel a little claustrophobic in an enclosed space. We both like a television in the room - I fall asleep to nightly news.

We have our own morning routine too, and mine doesn't include being a cheerful talkative guest in pajamas for about the first hour I am up. ;0)

I've been staying a night or two a month in the city where my mother is now living. My brother is just a few miles away. I stay in a hotel, have been there enough in the last two years it's like a little home away from home - I'm very comfortable there. Yesterday I got a Christmas card from the hotel ! 'Our regular guests are our most appreciated asset'.....LOL.

Bossy, I commend you for eating in this relative's home. It's not easy. I have a very messy sister.

The only time they renovate or change something is if it falls apart. Her words. Yet, interestingly it never bothered me to eat in her home. It never occurred to me that food prepared there would get me sick. And, it never did.

We never stay at anyone's home and once I know we are going to be somewhere make hotel reservations straight away. What I always tell people is that we very much appreciate their offer, but that at the end of the day we really like to get off by ourselves and have our own space to unwind. Plus, then we don't have to deal with the morning dilemma of everyone trying to use the bathroom to shower and get ready at the same time.

No one has ever taken offense that I know of. If they do, they'll get over it.

I can totally relate. A very close relative is a slob/borderline hoarder.
It's difficult for me to even go IN her house, I can't imagine sleeping there.

That being said, this relative KNOWS she is not a good housekeeper. More than likely, your relative knows it as well.

Plenty of others have offered ways to say you're staying at a hotel. For your own sake (and mental & perhaps physical health) do so.

There is cluttered and then there is dirty. I wouldn't love to visit a cluttered house, but if it was cleaned regularly, I would go. But I would avoid a dirty house. My relatives had a neat home that smelled like their five dogs. They never noticed it at all. It bothered me. My friend has an artistic mess going at all times. The dining table is full of projects and costumes flop over sofas and chairs but the bathrooms clean and so is the kitchen. I actually prefer staying with her and we have a great time making stuff. The place smells like fresh bread and flowers, not stinky doggies. She does have one kitty but her house does not smell of kitty in any way.

I like seeing what people's lives are like and find hotels impersonal but I always offer to get a hotel out of courtesy. I would never stay more than a few days in someone's home though because people need space even when they say they don't. One time my aunt got mad at my mom and I for staying in a hotel we really wanted to try instead of her house. She was mad for a year about that.

Good advise and you totally have the right to be assertive with your needs and tell them you prefer hotels when visiting..but I will say from the perspective of a person who lives far from family, there is no way to not have your host feel the loss, be sad about your choice. Those early morning coffee sessions or late night heart to hearts disappear when people need to retire to a hotel at a decent time. So I am just telling you there is no way to have your cake and eat it to. Life is often complicated and everyone's needs and desires don't line up, sometimes we just have to accept that.

I take my dog with me. Some don't want my dog in their home.

If it is not a situation where there are bugs that can be brought home (bedbugs, roaches) I would likely not have an issue staying there especially for a short visit. Think of it as camping ;). But I would not be offended if somebody wanted to stay in a hotel.

Funny how many of us are not scared to eat at most restaurants and fast food places, when they have far filthier kitchens and equipment then even the messiest home owner! I do get it though, some people don't care much about food safety (cold food cold, hot food hot, no defrosting on counters for days etc.). Maybe offer to come and visit and spring for ordering in "as a present, so you can enjoy your time together".

Dances.

No need to make some fake medical condition up or talk about their place at all, mention instead what you like about the hotel. If even that much information seems necessary. Really if they care about your comfort to any extent things like "I'd rather" or "instead" should be all they have to hear. If they don't understand hellhole = inhospitable it's time they did. Otherwise some people are nuts, hoarders for instance. If this is that kind of situation, would you feel compelled to indulge any other kind of apparent mental illness? Just so the malfunctioning party doesn't get mad at you?

Short and sweet. No excuses, just, "We'll all enjoy our visit more if we stay at the (hotel). "

I wouldn't think twice about staying in a hotel. But it's been interesting being married to a first-generation immigrant (the equivalent of my grandparents). His parents had very traditional Asian attitudes. They had a nice home and always welcomed relatives.

One time his stepdad's BIL and sister were coming to town, and told them they were staying in a hotel. This BIL was a self-made success, an immigrant who had become a multi-millionaire.

Like Kittymoonbeam's aunt, his stepdad went ballistic. He truly felt insulted, seeing it as a inference that their home wasn't good enough for these visitors to stay at. It was an interesting cultural difference.

My DH never liked to stay at someone's house, so we made arrangements at a hotel/motel before we got there, so we just thanked them for the offer and told them we had already made motel arrangements. No one ever seemed offended.