Well, we talked last night. Basically, he felt when he bought the gun that protecting me and the house trumped my feelings on the matter -- both of us have been concerned about the rise in crime and gang activity in our area (there's a "gang house" just a couple of houses down, which is really quite scary). I explained to him that if he felt that strongly about getting the gun, it was his responsibility to discuss it further with me, not just go behind my back and get it. We talked a lot about trust issues, and how this made me feel like I couldn't trust him, and that he might always be lying to me. We're going to continue to work on that part of things. I was clear with him that he's going to have to work hard to make me fully trust him again. As far as being suicidal, etc., I don't think that plays any role in why he bought the gun. It's just always going to be a fear in the back of my mind, which I was very clear with him about. And that I'm still not fully comfortable having it in the house, in light of that fact. He is on medication and seeing a therapist, and is TONS better than he was several years ago when he was dealing with suicidal issues. We agreed to the following: - he'll take classes so that he can become competent with the gun - we'll give it a 2 or 3 month trial, and see if I can learn to accept its presence in our house. If not, he's agreed to get rid of it. At this point, I'm less concerned about the gun itself -- if he had come back to me after our first discussion, and laid out logically why he thought we should have one, then I probably would have been fine with getting one. It's the going behind my back that is the real issue here, and what we really need to work on. We've laid it out in the open now, and he's completely agreed that him getting the gun without my okay was a completely dickish thing to do. We've just got to continue to work on the trust part of it, and make sure that he doesn't pull a stunt like this again.

serenity, the reason they try to dig up old posts of mine is to justify their own wrongdoings in regards to chidlren/stepchildren(kind of like "your SO is this or that so it is OK for me to do XYZ", but one has nothing to do with the other). I expressed my opinion in one of the threads that when divorced parents (and stepparents are often behind that or at least involved in that) enter power struggle with each other dragging each other to courts etc, they subject their minor children/stepchildren to uneccessary drama and suffering. iamommy and others didn't like it (I guess it hit the nerve) so they had to find excuses for their and their spouses behavior by pointing out that I had these or those irrelevant problems some time ago. lol It is childish. People feel defensive and cannot think of anything more than come up with irrelevant stuff. It is like once imamommy gave me a lecture why my exhusband does this or that. LOL i have been divorced for 17 years and what my exhusband does or doesn't do is not in my control, like I care or like I can divorce him one more time LOL I think the reason some stepparents feel so defensive is because they know I am right. One of the major reason of their stepchildren being that dificult or being so emotionally disturbed is because of a power struggle between parents/soemtimes stepparents (both parents, not just BMs). They know I am right, but they don't want to admit it so they dig up some stuff out. My life is not conflict free or perfect of course not. But i raised a well adjusted succesful adult (raised by divorced parents) and I can offer some pointers how to raise children with less drama. Did I ever feel like throwing something at my X's head yes, but did I? No. Not worth traumatize my child. People want drama and power struggle, then they deal with consequences. When I offer my opinion instead of paying attention to someone who did pretty succesful parenting/coparenting, people get defensive . By the way imamommy said i was a single parent. No I never was. That's incorrect. majority of our divorced time we lived close by and we had 60/40 split. Then later on when we moved further away from each other, our arrangement was 70/30. It did involve travelling and effort but we co-parented so it worked. Now when DD is in college there is no custody of course but her time off is split about 60/40 (60 wiht dad, 40 with me, she lives closer to dad now). So i can offer pointers on dealing wiht exes wihtout drama. But people are welcome not to listen and be defensive. Do i care? no. I do care though about those children... As about relationship with SO's grown children, it is nice and of course it improved (I do not even have much to post about it because there are no current issues). As about my relationship with him, I do not know where it goes, I like to take things slow, having a man is not my life priority. It's never been and as i am getting older it is even less so.

I handle it by changing the subject whenever they start in on it. I would just not listen anymore. Eventually, they will stop. Or you can be direct and tell him straight up that you can't offer any solutions (because he doesn't want your advice) and while you want to be supportive and listen to him, it's just too stressful because it's repetitive. Different day, same song & he isn't willing to do anything to change it. "Leave me out of it completely!" I understand wanting to be a supportive wife, and not wanting to make him feel you don't care or aren't being there for him. But, the truth is... you can tell him & risk upsetting him or you can continue to let it eat you up and you'll be the one upset over it.... and it sounds as if you are already fed up. If he needs to talk to someone, send him to a therapist that will listen (because that's their job) and won't be irritated or stew over it after. Continuing to listen to it without being able to do anything about it, is going to affect your marriage eventually if it isn't already. IMO, it really doesn't matter if your daughter finds out he is indulging his daughter because it sounds as if your daughter is more mature & responsible and that is going to make her life more rewarding in the long run. She may be old enough to know it's "not fair" but she is also old enough to know "life's not fair" and she got a parent that instilled values in her that her stepsister doesn't have. That makes HER the winner.

teeweeone: I think you're being rude. > Pretending to be a step parent is not the same as BEING one. Rosie: I am not married to my partner. Yet I wipe my SS's behind when he poops, all my paycheck goes to the family, I spend *at least* half the time I'm not at work with the boy, I help him make cards for his BD, I'm teaching him to read, etc ad nauseum. If I'm not a step parent, I'm either doing a very good impression or insane. Possibly both. True, my legal status is somewhat hazy. However, the BD hasn't seen his kid in 20 months, hasn't lived with him in 2 years -- since he was 19 months old -- calls once or twice a month. I've been here, constantly and consistently for 2 years. In the boy's eyes, I'm *at least* a step parent, if not a dad-replacement. And as far as morals go...enh. I think I'm pretty ok. Perhaps even safe to walk the streets among the general populace. :) In less flip terms, I think that I'm raising my child -- yes, *my child* -- in a way that he'll turn out nice, think helping other people is a good thing to do, and thinking that cleaning up his own messes is a spiffy way to spend an evening. Dah-doo-run-run.