All I know is as long as lie-ing works for her she will continue. Good luck, it isn't always easy to catch them!!

I'm not sure it is something you can change. My first husband was a liar. He didn't lie to hide something he did that would get him in trouble. He had very little self esteem and told lies to build himself up to others. I stopped him from lying in front of me, but I know he still told whoppers when I wasn't around. When our second son was just a preschooler he started lying and there was nothing I could do to stop it. He was to young to have learned it from his Dad. I believe he inherited the trait. He was so like his Dad in many, many ways.

If it is really bad~~I would get counseling. My younger DD was 3-4 and had horrible temper fits and was very hard to handle~~I called in a counseler I knew. He spent 3 hours at our house with her playing in the room giving us parenting tips and skills to use with her it work instantly and all but just a few normal fits ever happened again. Best $$ we ever spent!

I am not sure this will get immediate results, but it worked on my kids (2 DDs now ages 27 & 21 and good kids!)

I think that her lying at this age is all about her developing her independence - she didn't want to eat carrots so she found a way out of it. She wants to make her own choices. Please know your little girl is not unusual - this is the age for lying.

Read a book about lying, either a picture book (little kids' book) or a chapter book, or about a character that is a hero - Harry Potter comes to mind - and talk about what it takes to be a good person, talk about the concept of character.

When you find that she does lie use discipline - take away a privilege: no TV, no playing with friends. Let her know that lying is not good.

In all cases - take a breath, count to 10 and then be a Mom.

#1. Don't give her a reason to lie...You found the carrots, asked her if she had eaten them (you already knew she didn't)..so you in essence gave her reason to lie again. Next time..You told me you ate your carrots and I gave you your dessert. I found them in the garbage, so I know you lied to me. Your punishment is...no dessert for a week? For the next meal? whatever. Remember the punishment has to matter to the kid. One of my kids punishment was to turn on his favorite movie, and make him turn around and not be able to watch it. Corner time didn't work, sending him to his room didn't work, that worked..because it mattered to him. Punishment to fit the crime. Let her know if you lie (and I will find out if you lie to me, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but i will find out, and when I do then you will get the punishment)...you will have X for punishment. BUT if she tells you the truth there will be no punishment (boy can that be hard sometimes). And make sure you follow up on both sides.

Take this with a grain of salt, it is only a suggestion.

Good luck.

Vickey-MN

Thanks for the responses.

Vickey-True, I did give her a chance to lie again, but I was hoping faced with a direct question, she would realize her error and tell the truth. Guess not.

I know she is only 6, but I hate that she is already developing this bad habit? Don't know where it comes from or why. I am trying to talk to her about right/wrong when we are alone and calm. A book is also a good idea! I try and talk about stuff we see on TV (bullys, friends etc) and I ask them if that a good thing or bad thing or a good way to act etc.

The examples you give are "avoidance" lying. You tell her to eat her carrots, she doesn't like carrots or maybe she doesn't want them that night. The only "control" she has (in her mind) is to hide the carrots so she can get on with her day. So she hides them, they get discovered and she lies. Then when she feels corned in her lie she layers on another. (the animals put them there).

The fact that your mind is already running ahead to sneaking out, drugs etc. is telling also.If she can't make the choice today whether she is hungry for carrots then how to you expect her to say no to drugs. You want an obedient YES child. Obedient yes children are more easily swayed. She has to learn to challenge and say no somewhere and home is a safe place to do so. If she can't feel she has a "say" then she will learn to be sneaky.

Why not give her some incentive to do things on her own. instead of being told to brush her teeth put up a chart for her to follow. Make it fun so she comes to you to show you her fresh breath or clean hands for a star on her chart or a sticker or something.

Pick your battles wisely. Battling over food like clean plates before dessert is not a good battle. Ask all the people who are sitting in weight watchers.

I could be way off base here but it sounds like a simple control issue. Give her a feeling of empowerment over what she puts in her mouth and a reasonable time to get things done her way, not the way you think it should be done and the lying might be curtailed somewhat.

Let go the reins a bit. All children will lie to stay out of trouble. So do adults.

All children lie.Think back when you were a child,When you were caught lying what did your parents do?I tell you what mined did.If it was a small lie momma took care of it.If it was a big lie daddy took care of it.Both parents have to work together or it wont work.When daddy took care of it it meant we got a whipping.I'm 81 years old and I have not told a lie since I was a teenager.I don't need to lie.No one needs to lie.It

Whoa! Your DH is right. You are over-reacting. This is a 'stage', not a 'trait'. It's a little more developed, but it's a lot like the Two who says, "No" to *everything*! (Maybe she didn't get to say that?)

I agree completely with wildchild.

Can you get a book on "Child Development" or attend a class? You're obviously trying hard to be a responsible parent. That would help you be prepared for 'stages' and have your responses rehearsed ahead of time. You can be the calm, wise, all-knowing-MOM who corrects and guides her child towards being a happy, secure adult.

I have an almost 19 yr old that still does those "useless" lies that he did when small.

No matter how many times I've told, shown, cried...he doesn't get it.

And whoopins didn't help either, punishments or corrections.

My other two don't lie...

I'd have to agree that it's somewhat a personality trait...and he's a VERY good embelisher, story teller, poet and song writer..

teresava...It is very wise of you to ask here about how you might handle the situation. I love the responses, especially wildchilds and wish that some 50 years ago when I was faced with this same issue I had had the internet or "enlightened' friends. I would like to emphasize for Mom to stay calm...and maybe rehearse with DH how you might handle the next incident or be prepared in how you are going to handle it. I did not handle mine well (and understatement!) and she still is able to tell those "avoidance" lies without being noticeably uncomfortable. Maybe it was a self-esteem problem with my child...and I just made it worse by making her feel bad about herself. Tread lightly and ((((HUGS))))) Nanny

Here's a book about a lie that gets out off hand" Berenstain Bears And The Truth" The Berenstain Bear books are perfect for her age!

I hope you'll give some thought to what Wildchild said. Parenting is a learning process for many of us. Good for you for wanting to be the best mom you can be.

Wildchild, I am giving you a standing ovation. I have read your response twice and you gave great advice. Its not an easy job being a parent, teresava you are very smart coming to this site for suggestions.

Perhaps it is time to say something like "when you have brushed your teeth I can read you a story."

Or "when you are eaten all your carrots I can give you your dessert." Or "would you like carrots or broccoli ?"

In that way you are getting her to do what you want but also giving her a chance to make a decision about her life and what she does.

Wild child is correct you want a child to become a person who is capable of making good decisions about her life and it really starts "now".

We don't want people to lie to us, because then we don't trust them. Perhaps a conversation about "trust".

She will be fine.

I can see her thinking about the carrots, to her, that isn't a lie, I guess she is not understanding the concept.

Just a few thoughts for you.

I agree with a lot of what has already been said here.

The best advice someone ever told me was to not ask a young child a question you think they may lie to you about (unless it's absolutely necessary). It kind of conditions them to learn how to lie.

Don't ask if they brushed their teeth..go and feel their toothbrush...if it's not wet, tell them you know they didn't brush their teeth they need to do so now. If they tell you they already have, tell them they need to do it again they didn't do a good enough job. Unless it's very important (and eating carrots or brushing teeth wouldn't fall into that category) don't make a deal about lying...simply foucs on making them do what needs to be done. If you focus on the lying instead of what they are doing or not doing..they may be getting what they want...to avoid eating carrots, brushing teeth, etc...

Another thing that is very important at this age is to set a good example. Don't let the kids see you telling even white lies to others. They pick up on it and think it is ok and don't understand the concept of a white lie..be careful. If you tell Sylvia to her face her dress makes her look skinny and then tell your husband you think Sylvia looks huge in her new dress, the kids hear it, and know you're lying.

Tell her the story of the boy who cried wolf.

I have read to that lying at this age is asserting her indepence...I would totally confront her so she knows you know and find a punishment that fits the crime...carrots not eaten no dessert...etc.....At this age from what i have read and exp. with my kids she will out grow it.....Stacy

I don't have any advice about the lies but I do not believe in forcing a child to eat something they don't like. It took me years as an adult to be able to eat cooked carrots because I was forced to sit at the table until I ate mine. I also don't believe that dessert should ever be used as a punishment or reward. As Wildchild said, ask anyone at WW about the importance put on dessert as a child.

What Wildchild said. I 100% agree with that. I also agree, and relate with Terri. My, almost 16 y/o, son is a chronic liar. Always has been and it's a regular issue. I'm in the middle of it this morning and now he is without a cell phone and iPod. If I don't go for a walk soon, he may be without a bedroom door. I haven't decided yet. Tonight, when he gets home, he is going to sit down and tell me why I'm so upset with him. We'll see if he's right. Ive done everything right and wrong. We read all the books, we've had heart to heart talks, punished, and ignored it. He acts as if he physically can not spit out the truth when faced with the choice. He is also an embellisher, like Terri's son. I know it's an esteem thing a lot of time, but no matter how it is handled or approached, it's always there. My other son is very honest.

I don't think you are necessarily over reacting with your concern. Just make sure your punishment fits the crime and don't take an oppressive, controlling approach.

Good luck!

Teresa---many hugs to you. I am, as you know, a parent with little kids and this is new territory for you and, in the future, for me.

I do not think she is going to turn out to be a chronic liar. She is testing the waters at what she can get away with.

Coming from my teacher standpoint (and I work with students who have behavior issues), a responsibility chart will be a great thing for little O, if you don't already have one. I do it with Brody at bed time, and he's only 2 1/2. Let me know if you need tips on this. I got a great one (premade) at One Step Ahead. It's customizable..Call me if you want to talk :)

Jo

just remember truth or consequences...and consistency

I haven't read all the posts but want to still put in my two cents. It seems to me that it's commonplace now to see kids, and also adults bend the truth to make life temporarily easier. This is one behavior in my kids I didn't tolerate at all, with good reason. I believe kids learn from their parents how to act by gauging Mom and Dad's reaction to a potential problem. By ignoring the lying, the parents are giving tacit approval to act. Most people will say I'm full of baloney, but as of this date I've never had reason not to trust my kiddos. And believe me, kiddo number three has given us plenty of trouble, mostly through smart alec arguments. But it is a relief to know she will not lie to us, no matter how angry. No, I don't have my head in the sand. We treated lying as a very serious affair and they came to realize quickly it won't be tolerated in our house. Funnily enough, I don't recall having to punish one of them for lying; catching them early with the white lies and having a serious talk about it seems to have been enough.

My oldest daughter (38) lied and embellished always. I used to ask her if the truth was too boring that she felt she had to fancy it up! Now as an adult she recently told me that she honestly did not have the capacity to always tell the truth-many times it was impulsive and once out couldn't be taken back. She told me she worked hard at controling her lies and as an adult occasionally has to really catch herself before she says something. She is an extremely successful educator and did alot of soul searching to understand herself. Good luck with your daughter. I understand your concern. Satine

This week someone on my job read a caption that said that children lying isn't bad. It shows creativity. I mumbled that my son seemed to be a pro at it.

That's one thing I can't tolerate and as someone above said, it's becoming more common. How can you decide when she's telling the truth? Especially if there's a dire situation and you need to know right away.

I think if they're old enough to know the difference, they should know not to do it. Little things that are excused can lead to bigger doings down the road.

No solution, sorry, but if it's a phase as some say, I hope it passes soon.

I can remember telling minor fibs when I was little. I can also remember hearing stories or reading books with a moral to the story that it wasn't good to tell fibs. I remember those kinds of stories having a big impact - like the crying wolf kind of thing. I can also remember getting caught in some lies that ended up being embarassing to me - maybe around age 10. I think that's probably what really stopped it for me - getting caught and feeling like an idiot.

I was wondering what the ramifications are to her if she comes clean and is honest? Do you get mad and go kind of crazy? Is it a more palatable situation for her to lie instead? I can remember my parents being pretty calm when I did something I wasn't supposed to do and rationally explaining why it wasn't a good idea. That also encouraged me to come clean and not lie.

I'm the oldest child in my family and I was the only healthy one throughout our childhoods. Growing up, I always heard that I was an easy baby, parents could take me anywhere, I was a smart kid, I accomplished all milestones early, I was responsible and earned all sorts of privileges ...bottom line, I was the perfect child.

I heard 'perfect' and was treated as if I should be perfect for most of my life.

I lied to cover my backside when I did things that violated the perfect image. Once I got old enough, when I wasn't lying, I was drinking. I eventually stopped the lying, but not until after I had gone through multiple alcohol treatment programs and years of therapy to break the perfect messages that played in my brain.

I would STRONGLY encourage you to look at your behavior as it regards your daughter. Yes, a little kid lies and some of this is probably a phase. However, please honestly evaluate your role in your daughter's behavior.

I think you should read all the replies. Maybe tell her the story of The Boy Who Cried wolf, who told so many lies no one believed him when there was a real wolf about to attack. I remember lying as a child, to avoid punishment or some chore I didn't like. I remember once I was supposed to take a bath after dinner. Instead I went in my bedroom and read. My Dad called out "Did you take your bath?" Yes, I lied. He said, well that was too short, take another. And I did take (my first) bath.

The Boy Who Cried Wolf...and the Bernstein Bears one..been there done that...and checking for a "wet" toothbrush is useless..she'll get smart enough to wet it..but not use it..

Teresa, is she your oldest? Many times we tend to credit out first child with more maturity than is appropriate. If your oldest is six, she may not seem so little to you. But really, six is very young.

I hate to see food become a parenting issue. I made plenty of mistakes as a mother, but I can honestly say none of them involved food. I served my kids a wide variety of foods, many of them ethnic recipes, and I think because I love food and served their meals with enthusiasm, they were all enthusiastic and adventurous eaters. I allowed for individual taste, though, and while none of my kids could be classified as "picky eaters," I didn't expect everyone to like everything. Looking back, I can remember only three dislikes: my oldest didn't like celery, and my youngest disliked beets and curry. He still doesn't like beets. :-)

We grew and ate a lot of vegetables. I never required a clean plate to qualify for dessert, but most of the time their plates were clean anyway.

Maybe your daughter wasn't all that hungry that day. Maybe doesn't care for the way you serve carrots, and another way of cooking them would go over better. Maybe she doesn't like carrots, period. In any case, I don't think it should become the basis for conflict and concern.

I have to go back to what Wildchild said because I think she really nailed it.

Thanks again for the replies. I know it's a big leap from Toothbrushes to Drugs, but I think you knew what I mean about nipping it in the bud. I'm surprised that she lies about such trival things (cases where she is not backed into a corner) and it feels like it's numerous instances each day. I'm not naive enough to think kids won't ever lie, but I don't want her to think it's a commonplace thing without consequences.

It just strikes me as strange the things she lies about. Seems like anything and everything. I used to think she just had a good imagination when I heard all these exagerrated stories about school, friends etc. And I let most of them go because they are small and minor. Like Terri said, useless things. If we watch Jeopardy, she claims to know the answers. (She's 6) If you ask her, she says it is a surprise, and she can't tell you. After the answer is given, she says "See I knew it". Obviously she doesn't know them, but I'm not going to punish her or even bring it up about something like that.

Food is not the issue. I know better then to start that up. She loves carrots and eats them all the time. It's not a clean our plate type of household, but you aren't going to eat one bite then expect ice cream.

This happens to be Dental Awareness month so her school sent a chart home to check off her cleaning each day, so that might help. I don't want to have to police her, I want to trust her. I amy trying to give her more positive attention and time. We have talked about lying and I think she is doing better or thinking about it before they (the lies) just pop out.

Wish me luck!

Have you told her that you know it's just a habit she's developed, but that kids won't want to be or stay friends with her if she is stretching the truth all the time? That might bring it home a little better because kids figure out quickly whether or not they can trust someone. I wouldn't dance around it, just be straight-forward.

I think you will see a great improvement about age 8. If not, then it is time to seek serious guidance. Until then, I think it is important for her to know that you know, each time she lies. Explain that you are disappointed. When she wants to do something, explain that you can't let her do that, because she isn't old enough to have earned your trust and is still behaving like a little child. Children want you to think they are mature. Expect some failures at first.

It sounds as though this is your 'only'. I was one. DH was one. Our DS was too! It's hard to be THE focus of parental attention. (Why would she need to make you think she knows the answers to Jeopardy questions? Must she be SO smart and perfect?)

Children at six are still a bit under the sway of 'magical thinking'. It's a process. It involves 'testing'. Stay calm. Trust as much as you guide. Let your praise be genuine and your corrections mild.

I hoped that his friends would drop him or tell him that they were sick of his BS...since I wasn't getting through to him...

But they just let it go. I have even asked him on several occasions..how he can think up cover lies to cover the lies he forgot he told or got busted on. He looked at me like he had no clue what I was talking about.

He knows that I don't trust a word out of his mouth. It's very hard to always have to second guess anything he says or does or doesn't do..

I keep telling him..."you know how you feel when I don't believe you or trust you?
You don't like it...and when it counts I still can't trust you...Don't get mad at me...you set the stage."

Maybe get her a journal or notebook and tell her this is where she can write her stories. Maybe I should have tried that approach. Encouraged the "creativity" in a safe way...and maybe it would have been less strong in the wrong way?

No, she is not my only. She is the oldest and has a little sister who is nearly 3.

We don't expect her to be perfect. As long as she tries her best I am happy.

I have tried to have more talking times with her about how it's wrong to tell lies. And tell her I am disappointed when I "catch" her. I do call her out now and then about the claiming she knows Jeopardy answers or some such thing.

It wasn't me -- it was my sister... she had a vivid imagination.. but my mom convinced her that she could 'see the lie in her [dd's] eyes'!! worked for my Mom, but only on that #2 daughter...

Just a thought - Is this her way of getting attention (perhaps since her sister was born)?

If you're focusing on catching her and calling her out, you're just training her to be a "better" liar.

I know some may not like or understand my toothbrush example..but the bottom line is, you should generally be able to be a step ahead of a 6 yr old and know if they are lying or not. Again, don't try to "catch" them or ask them questions they will probably want to lie about. You are conditioning her.

I never caught my oldest lying about things. It was almsot like he didn't know it was an option and that he even could lie. He just didn't. Lying is not innate in kids, it is learned. You are teaching her to lie by calling the action out or asking her questions she may want to lie about. Use statements, not questions. Ignore lies or talk through them nicely without saying/implying they are lies... Laughter is even good if the kid is innnocently telling a tall story. Sometimes all they really want is attention.

If she's not listening to the lying stories, she's too young to understand them. The age of reason is closer to 7 or 8 for most kids. Most don't understand they are lying or that it is bad no matter how often you tell them or what stories you read to them. Those that don't lie aren't better kids, their conditioning or discipline is just different.

You're indirectly labeling your child as a liar and she's living up to your expectations. Take your label and your assumption away...treat her as an innocent child, and I truly think you will have better luck.

I remember being quite a liar at a young age. Some was wishful thinking-"my Mommy is a movie star" Some was to avoid getting punished. "I didn't break the lamp. It happened by itself." Whatever the reason, I told lies. I eventually outgrew it, I think because the girls at school told me they didn't like me because I told stories that were untrue. There's nothing like peer pressure. I remember taking my kids to counselling when they were little. The counsellor believd in "logical consequences." Meaning the punishment should fit the crime. If a kid won't eat dinner, don't make them. The child will get hungry later. You can offer lefdtovers or a cold peanut butter sandwich. Get it, the logicsal consequence of not eating is hunger. For lying the logical consequence would be no one believes you. Send her to her room and remind her "No body thinks that is trye. You can come down when you can tell the truth." et it?

Wow, all of your responses are terrific. I can see that you're all great parents. (I'm glad I'm not a parent).

I don't know what I'd do in that situation, I'd be upset, but then I'd probably think (wrongly) it would lead to more and more bad behaviour.

When my brother and I were young, he pulled all of the flowers out of the flowerbeds and blamed me. I got a heck of a spanking, and claimed that I didn't do it, and got spanked more, for putting the blame on my younger brother.

My brother confessed, and he got the spanking of his life for lying. To this day, we honestly don't think he ever told another lie.

Carla_35-
If she had her way, my DD would brush her teeth for all of 2 seconds, so in her mind, she isn't lying, she's just not doing a good job. I think that is pretty standard for that age. I've started just brushing my teeth in the bathroom with them all together, so I can help both the girls do a better job, and they can see how it's supposed to be done.

I agree with your "take your label and assumption away", BUT she is lying everyday to me. It's getting hard to believe things she says. I've read articles about kids lying and most do it to avoid punishment-makes perfect sense to me. She does that but also a lot of unprovoked "tall tales". They seem harmless, but I don't know why or where it's coming from. She does not see her parents lying. Once in a while seems normal ( a good imagination is a great thing), but it is multiple times a day. Things I know can't possibly be true. I let most of them go, but I don't want her thinking that is the right thing to do. Getting attention is really the only thing I can think of?

I would show her, or tell her, you know that what she is saying is not truthful. Then ask her why she feels she needs to tell a lie about whatever it is. See what her answer is. My thought was always to find out he root of the problem. Why does she feel the need to lie? Punishment? Boredom or attention? Testing the limits?
The only way to treat a problem is to find the cause.

It's also possible, her answer will confirm that she's at an age, for any of the above reasons.
She'll mature and see that her reason for lying isn't getting her anywhere.

I know some children who almost defy you to punish them. But, that's a whole other story!

I have 3 sons..I have no different expectations on one than the other...yet I have 1 that is a CHRONIC liar...

1st born...5 years older than his next sibling..above average brain power..but below average drive. He was an early talker, reader, potty trainer...I think he lied from the moment he could string together some words..He had the vocabulary and recognition of a 5/6 yr old at 18 months.

Loking over these responses, a lot of them are about food. I remember my parents hasseling my three years younger sister about eating her vegetables. Once she hid her peas under the plate. Another time she sat at the table for at least an hour. Yet another time she ate her vegetables ,then vomited. My SIL once came to my house for Thanksgiving. I noticed she took no vegetables, so I asked why. She told us all "My mother used to force me to eat vegetables. I just can't eat them." She broke down crying. By the way, this SIL has been grossly overweight (over 200 lb) twice, tho she dieted an lost it. With my own kids, I made vegetables a "snack' by cutting up raw veggies (celery,carrots, peppers,etc) and serving them with amall bowl of ranch dressing. to this day, my 22 YO will fix herself a snack of "veggies and dip."