Black Susan, I want to thank you for being brave and expressing your true emotions. Those judges who have not walked in your shoes should be banned, but I guess that makes a forum. I am living your life! I have a BPD SD 18....when I hear her voice, I cringe. She is so evil and devious. Her mother was also BPD and just commit suicide in March. I too love my husband but can also envision my life far away from them. I sometimes feel trapped in hell. I stumbled upon this form because I was in search of Daughter/father odd relationships. A friend brought to my attention that the BPD SD is probably jealous. She is also 95% of the reason we fight. Whenever a fight erupts, SD is right by her father in weird ways. When we are not fighting, she does what she can to get him alone. We have four children combined (all teens) and none have this issue. I once had serious concerns but watching carefully, it was SD who was trying to be more than close. I've been with them for 12 years now. The stories I could tell!!! I'm either weak or gluten for punishment. I have tried so many things. I've researched BPD, gone to therapy, family therapy....Just recently in the past year, people have seen the real monster. Just after her mothers suicide, things are making more sense to my husband. I too am on other forums, specifically for BPD....so much compassion for the disease!! These parents take a beating over and over. This is not my kid and I should be able to place boundaries, yet I am stopped and MUST tolerate because of her illness and because of the guilt her father feels. The bio mom sexually abused her and she was in foster care 3 weeks before released to her father. Uggh! So much to say...I'm sure you all have similar stories. I've had it! I know why you had an outburst. I've been there. The lies, the deceit, the con artist is enough to drive you crazy! For the past few years, I record anything that has to do with HER....she lies so much and I am always on defense. I used to just stay quiet when family would ask about our situation. I flat out give the truth and I don't care anymore. One of her goals is to go live with a wealthy aunt. (she was there a year and screwed that up). She has literally threatened me that if I tell her the truth of what goes on here, she will make my life more miserable. Entitlement!!! You earn privileges!! She graduated from a dump school and feels she gets a big party.....I refused to be involved. My house is invaded. I would love to hear from all of you who are experiencing this pain. I understand the anger, resentment and frustration. Krystal

I haven't read all of these messages. But I have to tell you that I grew up in a home where my step father treated us like DIRT! Kids were to be seen and not heard! That was his favorite line! At 16 I was ready to move out on my own. Life was horrible. I got NOTHING- yelled at, told I was lazy- you name it. I had to buy my own school clothes my own everything. He controlled the whole household. I never got a kind word spoken to me, never a praise, never a pat on the back. No help for college. NOTHING.... He had his own two kids, to this day he still supports them. They are both lossers. But those two kids got anything they every wanted. I didn't want much REALLY As hoaky as it sounds, I just wanted a dad! Someone I could call dad again- not Phil. I was about 12- had lost my dad two years previous. I missed my dad- I missed my family- we moved out of state. It was a sad childhood. My mom was the calming force. She kept the peace. But it wasn't enough. The constant stress from the day to day living with this man. I stayed out of the house as much as possible. I had a horse. I rode for hours. When that wasn't enough I found a boyfriend. At a very young age I became more 'involved' with my boyfriend then I should have. I worked, anything not to be home. I HATED it! As an adult I would wait for the man I was dating to turn into Phil. See, he wasn't always like he was when my mom married him. He was actually one of the nicest men I had ever met. Until the vows were exchanged. We weren't bad kids. We accepted him. He never could or would for us. I can't stress enough what your doing to your daughter. SHE WILL NEVER forget this. You are destroying her piece by piece. My advice is to leave this man. You will get over the loss- she just might never get over what he is doing to her! I know this man your married! Not in the literal sense, but I LIVED THIS...... I still think about my 'lost' childhood from time to time. But you know what, I BEAT him.... I'm succesfull! I'm happily married with two kids. I have a wonderfull relationship with my mom and brother. And my husband is NOTHING LIKE HIM! My mom left him about 6 years ago. Sad it took that long. My brother who was younger then me, lived with him from a small boy up. I see the horrible traits of Phil in my brother. My brother grew up thinking he was dumb. He drifted from job to job. NEVER a harder worker, but he had trouble reading and writing. So he'd drop the job as soon as more responsiblity was sent his way. It was sad.... He's just recently regained some of his self esteem. He's 29 years old! Took him all this time. He's found his place in life. So have I! Guess what! I can even eat food in my living room LOL.... So can my kids.. I'm sorry if this is harsh and I'm sorry it most likely didn't make sense. If it helps your 16 year old daughter then I'll sleep better at night.... HUGS to you and your daughter. Kristi

My son first met his father when he was 4 years old. I tried to fight him getting any visitation but was told if I didn't cooperate, I could lose custody. He had a few 'supervised' visits for them to get acquainted and then a few day visits and eventually, overnight. And his father was married to a woman that hated me and harassed me. I had several restraining orders against her for threatening me. I once refused to let my son go because he cried that he didn't want to go. His father came with the police and I was told if I refused to let him go, they would arrest me. I told the officers that he was crying, he doesn't want to go. They took my son, crying and ten minutes later, the officer came back and assured me he had stopped crying once he was buckled in his father's car. (at the time, I didn't know that it was not uncommon for kids to act that way at an exchange and my behavior was part of the reason he cried) It was hard. Not only had I not shared him for four years, I had to hand over my son to the person that violated me. Talk about not trusting the other parent. But, now it's 17 years later and looking back, my fears were about what he did to me, and that doesn't necessarily translate into how he would treat my son. I guess what I'm saying is that a guy can be a terrible husband/boyfriend but still be a good parent. (I will probably never say my son's father was a good parent but my son says he was. I don't agree with some of the things he taught my son or his lifestyle, but then he never tried to tell me how to live my life or raise my son) In the OP's case, BM chose to have a baby with him. I agree he should have tried to be in the child's life sooner, but he's there now and she should encourage the relationship, not make it more difficult for her child.

Demon Based on what you've said here, I think you've made the right decision. It concerns me that his reaction is to blame the child and focus on how it affects 'him'. Classic abuser behavior. I'm even a little concerned that his reaction will change from cooperative to hostile when he realizes that tactic won't work. If I were you, I'd set up a strong support system. I have a feeling you are going to need it. I also agree with silver, it's not a waste of time to learn such a valuable lesson. When I left my ex at 29, I spent years feeling sorry for myself because I wasted my 20's in a crappy situation. But, the worse part wasn't the time I wasted, it was that my kids were in that crappy situation for 7 years and you can thank your lucky stars you figured it out in less than a year. Your daughter is young and you can spend some time in counseling and might even think about working on your parenting skills too. Before, you said you were lax in discipline, so now might be a good time to shift your focus on improving things in your life. When I was a single parent, I was also too lax and inconsistent. It's so easy to parent out of guilt too. My kids were pre-teens when I began to force myself to be consistent and push the guilt to the back of my head and it's been tough. I still struggle with guilt because they know how to make me feel guilty. Good luck.