I snooped over the weekend... okay, I cleaned SD's desk because it was a horrible mess with papers sticking out of drawers. No, there is no suspicion on drugs, etc. I don't need to be suspicious of drugs... and I sure the hell don't have to toss the room if I suspect drugs! I can look at a kid and tell when they are high. There's no suspicion about it.... I know my kids! (and they can't lie to me... well, they can lie but I can tell when they are lying and I know BS when I hear it!) and I wasn't 'searching' for anything incriminating... I found a couple of notes she probably wouldn't want anyone to see... but then she shouldn't be writing that kind of stuff and leaving it in such a mess. I also found several pages of homework that she had claimed she turned in... not done and shoved in a drawer. She has three weeks of school left and has decided all of a sudden to stop turning in her homework. (Of course I'm sure it has NOTHING to do with her mom's claim that she's failing in school so custody should be changed so she won't fail in school... I'm sure a mom wouldn't tell a kid to fail on purpose so she can gain custody!) I don't know where parents that give kids a right to expectation of privacy are coming from.... I just don't get that! No, a kid should not feel violated... but they do not have a right to privacy the way an adult does. When they have a job, when they pay the bills, when they have their OWN place, then they have a right to expect privacy! Until then, they are dependent on the parents and they have no rights. I grew up knowing my parents could search any part of their house at any time. I guess if I was going to do something wrong, I had better learn to hide it somewhere else. It would have been easy if I knew that my room was off limits to searches... I could have hid bodies in there! Mutual respect? Parents are supposed to be in charge and superior to children. There is a hierarchy in parent/child relationships that seems to be fading in our society. Children respect parents... and grandparents. But, that seems to be falling to the wayside and now we need agencies to protect parents and grandparents from kids that don't respect them and take advantage of them or abuse them. It is disgusting to me how many kids talk crap to their parents in public and I'm convinced that it's because these kids are made to feel they are entitled to be treated as if they are equal to an adult and that their wants are more important. I cannot imagine ever demanding my parents buy me something and if I asked and they said they can't afford it, that I would tell them "well you spent $XX on yourself!" as if I'm entitled because they spent their own money on themselves. That would NEVER happen in my youth but I hear that stuff all the time from kids today!

Well honestly, no one ever said u had to like one another! It's nice for the kids if all the adults in their lives had one flowing ball of communication, but lets be realistic! BM probably hates u cause ur sleeping w a man she has a child by. Its one of those bitter situations of :we didnt work, so why will u: and shes gonna hate u for it. Ur SS resents u for along the same reasons, and wants to make his presence known. He wants a dog he goes to daddy and theirs nothing is stupid SM is gonna say about it, cause u are not HIS mother. Been there done that, trust me! My stepchildren were HORRORS when my DH first got together. Mind u he had already been divorced for two years, with two children: daughter 10 and son 5. And the daughter was THE WORST. Not to mention when my DH first married :at that time the children were 12 and 7: and my SD LOST IT. She and her BM were on a personal vendetta to make my life a living hell. And then fast forward to a year later when my DH and I had a daughter of our own and thats when the u know what REALLY hit the fan!! There were times then when I could say that I hated her, and she hated me I'm sure, but one day when she was at our house for the court mandated weekend, I caught her in the room w my DD. I was horrified at first, thinking, OMG is this kid gonna try and smother my child?! lol I caught her playing w the baby, and then she burst into tears. Sometimes when u hold malice towards someone u tend to get satisfaction out of their pain. Yeah, thats an ugly thing to say, but its true. However, when I saw SD crying I walked up to her and gave her a hug. I'm not saying it was like a lifetime movie after that and all, we still had our battles, and at times I had to try not to lose my mind and walk out, but here we are seven years later, two kids of my own, and two stepchildren, whom I love dearly and I know that sometimes, they love me too....lol Just stand ur ground, and understand its hard for a kid who feels like he has to compete with the new woman for some love. Sit down with him and explain to him that ur not trying to come between them, and that u want to try and share. Theres enough love for the both of u. As far as ur DH goes, though. U need to put ur foot down and let him know that u are not a chambermaid. Stop doing EVERYTHING around the house so hes stuck w chores. That'll really hit him where he lives!

I haven't read all of these messages. But I have to tell you that I grew up in a home where my step father treated us like DIRT! Kids were to be seen and not heard! That was his favorite line! At 16 I was ready to move out on my own. Life was horrible. I got NOTHING- yelled at, told I was lazy- you name it. I had to buy my own school clothes my own everything. He controlled the whole household. I never got a kind word spoken to me, never a praise, never a pat on the back. No help for college. NOTHING.... He had his own two kids, to this day he still supports them. They are both lossers. But those two kids got anything they every wanted. I didn't want much REALLY As hoaky as it sounds, I just wanted a dad! Someone I could call dad again- not Phil. I was about 12- had lost my dad two years previous. I missed my dad- I missed my family- we moved out of state. It was a sad childhood. My mom was the calming force. She kept the peace. But it wasn't enough. The constant stress from the day to day living with this man. I stayed out of the house as much as possible. I had a horse. I rode for hours. When that wasn't enough I found a boyfriend. At a very young age I became more 'involved' with my boyfriend then I should have. I worked, anything not to be home. I HATED it! As an adult I would wait for the man I was dating to turn into Phil. See, he wasn't always like he was when my mom married him. He was actually one of the nicest men I had ever met. Until the vows were exchanged. We weren't bad kids. We accepted him. He never could or would for us. I can't stress enough what your doing to your daughter. SHE WILL NEVER forget this. You are destroying her piece by piece. My advice is to leave this man. You will get over the loss- she just might never get over what he is doing to her! I know this man your married! Not in the literal sense, but I LIVED THIS...... I still think about my 'lost' childhood from time to time. But you know what, I BEAT him.... I'm succesfull! I'm happily married with two kids. I have a wonderfull relationship with my mom and brother. And my husband is NOTHING LIKE HIM! My mom left him about 6 years ago. Sad it took that long. My brother who was younger then me, lived with him from a small boy up. I see the horrible traits of Phil in my brother. My brother grew up thinking he was dumb. He drifted from job to job. NEVER a harder worker, but he had trouble reading and writing. So he'd drop the job as soon as more responsiblity was sent his way. It was sad.... He's just recently regained some of his self esteem. He's 29 years old! Took him all this time. He's found his place in life. So have I! Guess what! I can even eat food in my living room LOL.... So can my kids.. I'm sorry if this is harsh and I'm sorry it most likely didn't make sense. If it helps your 16 year old daughter then I'll sleep better at night.... HUGS to you and your daughter. Kristi

My son first met his father when he was 4 years old. I tried to fight him getting any visitation but was told if I didn't cooperate, I could lose custody. He had a few 'supervised' visits for them to get acquainted and then a few day visits and eventually, overnight. And his father was married to a woman that hated me and harassed me. I had several restraining orders against her for threatening me. I once refused to let my son go because he cried that he didn't want to go. His father came with the police and I was told if I refused to let him go, they would arrest me. I told the officers that he was crying, he doesn't want to go. They took my son, crying and ten minutes later, the officer came back and assured me he had stopped crying once he was buckled in his father's car. (at the time, I didn't know that it was not uncommon for kids to act that way at an exchange and my behavior was part of the reason he cried) It was hard. Not only had I not shared him for four years, I had to hand over my son to the person that violated me. Talk about not trusting the other parent. But, now it's 17 years later and looking back, my fears were about what he did to me, and that doesn't necessarily translate into how he would treat my son. I guess what I'm saying is that a guy can be a terrible husband/boyfriend but still be a good parent. (I will probably never say my son's father was a good parent but my son says he was. I don't agree with some of the things he taught my son or his lifestyle, but then he never tried to tell me how to live my life or raise my son) In the OP's case, BM chose to have a baby with him. I agree he should have tried to be in the child's life sooner, but he's there now and she should encourage the relationship, not make it more difficult for her child.