It's nice that your people know they can count on you. Those dishes sound very comforting.

I associate molded salmon salad with funerals. And boiled eggs. Come to think of it, fish and eggs are parve (not ritually "milk" or "meat") and that's probably why. And eggs symbolize renewal and the circle of life. The funerals I've been to more recently have had caterers. I'm told it's easier on the family, especially after a long illness in the house. The workers do all the tidying before and clean up and storage after. It's weird not to bring food, though.

I don't get invited to that many funerals, although I did go to one recently when a coworker's wife died unexpectedly - she was in her 50s. I do think that here in L.A., as Plllog said, most are catered. I know LindaC has taken food to many funerals, however. I think the traditions are a bit different in large urban areas than they are in smaller cities or rural areas.

I've never taken food to a funeral dinner, but I would if asked.

I can not say that all churches around here do this but many do including ours, the meal costs the family nothing and church members donate and fix food, serve and do all the cleaning up. Usually our meal and others include ham, chicken and noodles, mashed potatoes, green beans, meatloaf, maybe corn, and all kinds of salads and desserts. Someone in charge of arranging to get food fixed will ask if you can bring this or that. For many years my Mother was in charge of doing this. There is no burden on the family at all. Our church has a newly decorated basement and kitchen. We have around 100 members and it is a little country church.

Sue

I've never seen food brought to a funeral. When mother and, later, dad, died, neighbors dropped off pizza or home made casseroles at the house. Someone sent a fruit basket.

At that point, we just wanted to be family. Socializing after mom's funeral would have been too much.

Close family members from out of town are especially not going to be up to socializing with strangers.

The dinner is in the church, not at the funeral home. If people do not wish to attend, they don't have too. It is usually family members and close friends go to the meals. It is very common to have them in this area, maybe they do not have them where you live. Sometimes food is also brought to the home but more likely if the family wants a dinner, they get one. It is up to the family, not just the church puts it on and you go. I enjoy helping in anyway I can.

Sue

I think it's really nice to have it at the church. After a Jewish funeral everyone goes back to the house of the chief mourners, where the family "sit". Eating is part of the ritual of renewal, but among my family and friends (different groups have different customs), it's always a kind of buffet of things that walk around well. People stay for afternoon and evening prayers, and come back every afternoon for a week, so the food keeps coming too.

Yes, it is nice. I can understand maybe going somewhere to a restaurant that you have reserved or somewhere if you live in a fairly large town. However here, you would have to drive 20 or 30 miles to have your meal and many times the family is just not prepare or have room for those that come to the funeral, to have it at their home. Our church hosts many food events, baby and wedding showers, wedding receptions, graduations, birthdays, Mother and Daughter banquets, Father and Son banquets and just anything about you want to have. I arranged for a birthday meal and had the whole church come and all of our family when my Mother turned 91. Ir was a pitch in meal. It was great. Relatives came from out of state and later family members went to my sisters and we had a wonderful time that day.

Sue

Wow, plllog, they come back every day for a week???!!! wow.

Around here it's common to have close family and close friends gather at a family member's home (or a rental place, if more space is needed). It is the family and close friends that either buy or make the food. Nothing like what you describe is done at churches here.

It's called "sitting shiva" and while traditionally sit for 7 days, excluding Sabbath in the count, all Jews I know now sit for 2 days...3 at the most with the day of the service being counted ad one day.
I "do" all the funeral lunches...or receptions if the family just wants cookies and coffee, at my church. I have done this for 10 1/2 years......with lots of help.
We make a guess at how many will likely attend, consult with the family about their wishes...some have a special recipe or a special kind of dessert they want, then I call helpers, plan a menu, shop and the day before we start cooking. The family usually makes a donation to the Kitchen Committee, but not always. However for the 10 years we are ahead by about $4,000, which we spend on kitchen upgrades, like new stoves and a refrigerator, equipment etc.
Other churches in the area have a local grocery cater,w ith sandwiches, ham and cheese in a bun, and 2 sides...like slaw or potato salad, and a container of coffee. They charge $7.50 per person....that is the number you ask them to prepare for. For 100 people that's a lot of money. I can do a similar meal,w ith volunteer labor for about $1.00 per person.
Some churches do a "pot luck" reception, but I always find that iffy....you can have a lot of Jell-o salads!
I have lots of recipes I have "worked up" for a large group....If I can help, just ask.

I don't know people who only sit for a couple of days. As I said, different groups have different customs. "Shiva" is a form of the number seven which refers to the length of the initial period of mourning observed by the close family. There are many stages of the mourning process. After the first seven days are the thirty, and then the eleven months.

Unless they're close to the family, the same people don't necessarily come every day of the seven, but enough people to conduct a service will come every day, so the services and mourner's prayers can be said in the home. If there aren't enough people, the neighbors will come over for the services. If the mourners are close enough by to get there in time, you just show up every day.

Even though there isn't always a meal, per se, someone will put out some of the food that has been brought, since eating together is an important ritual. It's also easier for those in deep mourning if the food just appears, and someone hands them a plate, rather than having to organize meals and worry about feeding guests. People in mourning will also gather to eat during the extended mourning period, but won't attend parties and other revelry. Continuing into the longer periods, we support them with food and with invitations to meals.

The salmon salad that I can't look at without wondering who died is really the kind of thing one takes on that first day. Besides being neither milk nor meat, it's made with canned salmon and staple ingredients like celery, and doesn't require shopping. Since the funeral is usually the day after the death, and always no more than three days, that's a consideration.

Here our church does funeral dinners. We have a list of items we need. We buy a deli tray and then add side dishes -- and the number of mourners eating (family and close friends) determine how much we order and how many side dishes we bring. A couple of years ago, family only there was close to 100! THAT was quite a funeral dinner!

There are some foods called "funeral foods" -- a cheesy potato dish is "funeral potatoes" and there is a sandwich with ham and mustard and a brown sugar,/poppy seed glaze and the pan is baked called "funeral sandwiches".

I help when I can both in bringing something and in helping to serve.

Martha

Somehow my 'thing' became to bake a chocolate cake to bring to the family. There's something comforting about it. But when it is my loss, I have no appetite.

I organize these for my church. Last month one of our members lost his wife and as he was originally Amish, the meal, although not the service, was at a local Mennonite gymnasium/fellowship hall. Coordinating the food with them and observing/serving it all was fascinating.

I was on the funeral "luncheon" committee at our church when I was in White Cloud, but I don't know what our new church even does!

We had a chairperson in charge, and she'd designate everyone something to bring, so there wasn't just a table full of jello salads. Everyone was "famous" for something, and dinner rolls were always Doris' assignment. When she passed away, that assignment went to me, usually along with baked beans. Commonly we would have ham and chicken, potato salad and au gratin potatoes, baked beans, various salads from fruit salad to tossed green salads to taco salad, dinner rolls and various desserts including pies, cakes and cookies. Yes, some people brought KFC or a cake from the grocery store but most brought homemade food, probably because our town had no fast food and no grocery store deli.

We are also a rural area, and some people travel quite a way to get to funerals. Restaurants and fast food establishments are not close, and caterers require scheduling months in advance. Our service was free to the family, paid for by donations to the church and you didn't have to be a member of our church, if you did not have a church you attended, the family could still come to us and we'd put on the luncheon in the church basement.

After all, that's what we're supposed to do, look out for each other and help when we can.

Annie

Many of you have similar ways of doing your dinners as we do. It is best to have someone in charge to ask different ones to bring certain things so you will not end up with several of one thing. There is no place big enough locally you could even rent to have one. My Dad died in 1981 and he did not have a church, however my sister's church had the funeral dinner, no charge. My in laws when they passed, their church had the same thing. Their church was the Church of the Brethren. My sister's and my church are The Christian Churches. We do not go to the same church. My Mother passed about five years ago and our church had the meal and only about 3 years ago my son in law died and once again they provided a big meal and all of these were at no charge. The family is always asked if they would like a meal, if not then none is provided. You try to give an idea of how many may attend, but that is sometimes difficult. I think it is a very good thing to help others when you can and it looks like a lot of you do.

Sue

I guess it all depends on your traditions and families........all the 'funerals' I have attended have been for family members and are not really funerals at all - more like wakes. No one in my family has any strong church affiliations, although many are very spiritual. And all departed family members have preferred cremation so no actual service involved. But we do have a memorial gathering, more of a celebration of our loved one's life. And they tend to be pretty joyous gatherings with lots of food and drink, which we do provide and prepare ourselves.. My mom's 'memorial' was a picnic at her favorite picnic spot where we scattered her ashes as well and the extended family still reminisces about what a great time we had and how much mom would have loved to be there in person......she always favored being the center of attention!!

I get the impression that these practices are often dictated by community and by church affiliation. And the practice of a funeral feast or gathering where food and drink is served is very common in many cultures. While I can see that catering such a gathering would make sense in a very urban setting, the idea of family or friends or church members getting together to prepare this feast can serve to strengthen those connections and bring everyone together. And that's really all that matters.

Interesting....the preparation of the food is part of the "celebration" or grieving.
At my church we gather in the church kitchen to prepare the food, usually the day before, and we serve it and wash dishes the day of the service, which may be a funeral or a memorial service days or weeks later. We are a group of about 18 women and a few men whom I call for help. It's our ministry...and a fellowship opportunity. I have had people call me and request to help with the lunch because the deceased was a special friend and they want to help the family.
The last reception I did about 10 days ago, was for someone who had retired to Arizona. His kids live in iowa still, and for a lot of years, this was their church, so they returned for the memorial service. Because the kids live in different towns, and no one there knows their parents, they had a gathering at the church....because there was no place else to gather. After all was cleaned up, but for the coffee cups they were holding, they were still there chatting and catching up with close friends.
At another reception, where the deceased had been in a nursing home and no close family lived close, they stayed and stayed! We were cleaned up, I sent my helpers home and I sat in the kitchen playing on my phone. Finally they realized I was waiting to turn out the lights and lock up and agreed on a place to meet for dinner. It was just about 5:00 after an 11:00 AM service!
However when my husband died, and when his parents died and my father died, we had a gathering at my home. My friends just moved in with the ham and potato salad.

There are some ladies at our church that coordinate funeral meals. I'm on the list of people the call and ask if we can donate a dish. Usually they will make a request of a side dish, etc. I think they provide the main meat dishes. There are enough volunteers that you don't wind up making something for each funeral. I have made toss salads, slaw and carrot/raisin salads. The last one we had I made a 9x13 chocolate sheet cake, lightly frosted the top with almond flavored white icing, piped an edging with rosettes every inch on the edging and filled in the center with cherry pie filling. Even Fr. Eric was magically drawn to it.

Madonna