MM, why should you break up your family to address behavior that only occurs alternate weekends? Can your family find alternative visitation arrangements? Can your husband pick them up for an outing and then take them back home? Mom has not offered any solutions, so enforce your own. I admire you for loving these bad boys, but don't you need to protect your girls? Can the visit take place at the home of a grandparent? Can your girls alternate weekends away at the home of a friend or grandparent while the boys are there? Can visits be shortened to Saturdays only, while you and the girls plan an activity of your own? A combination of all of the above?

I agree that they are undisciplined bullies, but it's often difficult to control step children, especially when their mother uses them as pawns and your husband can't control them. Your husband can maintain a relationship with them, but you have tried to blend families, and that has not worked. What comes next? Sexual assault? Trust your instincts. Step families are not easy, but creative solutions can prevent divorce.

Again I echo what southernlights says. Why your SSs' mother should be OK with in particular #1 is unbelievable, as this is sexual harrassment and you could make a bigger deal of this if you chose to. Of course it doesn't happen at her house: your girls aren't there for her boys to torture.

If you wish to stay with your DH you will have to find another place for your DDs while the SSs visit, or else your DH will have to meet them on neutral territory.

I am just as baffled by my SSs mother's reaction/responses as well. Not to sound negative, more matter a fact, this is the same person who kicked my husband out of his home a week after he returned from deployment in Afganistan so that she could move in the person she was having an affair with. She's not one who's concerned about the welfare of others that aren't participating in her agenda.

We don't live local to the boys my husband has to drive 2.5 hrs to pick them up and 2.5 hrs to bring them to our home. I am retired military and my husband is still Active duty, and we live in a military community. We don't have any family members close to us. The closest family members live 10hrs driving round trip to/from the boys house. My daughters are with us everyday because of my ex doesn't have rights

I have considered that we seperate our family everytime that the boys come for visitation, but what would our plans be for the holidays? Spring breaks? Summers? We are literally splitting up our family for the sake of these boys. How are we a family if we aren't able to be together during all the important times? Where are we going to go or where does he gi wuth the boys? It's finacially draining too, and we suffer due to "accomodating" the boys because of their behavior.

Plus I can't possibly consider asking my DH to give up any amount of what little time he has with his DSs. He's already lost so much from their lives

MM, these are all decisions you will have to make. I would suggest that your husband drive the 2.5 hours, spend the day with them, and then drive home. Ditto for his half of the holidays.

Sadly, there is no "the" family; there are three families here. Your stepsons have blocked the possibility of "the" family. That's your reality.

Aren't you all glad you're not one of the daughters here?

a young girl whose mother is taking time, *after* you've been assaulted, bullied, or "forced to show your 'privates'" to a gang of bullies, to thoughtfully mull over the logistics of keeping "harmony", or something, in the home while preventing further assault, possibly rape.

without rocking the marital boat.

OP:
Get that gang of dangerous young men out of your daughters' lives or get your daughters out of their lives.

Love your husband all you want, but be sure that your daughters are safe & that they know they're safe even if it upsets your fantasy of a romance/marriage.

Southernlights:

I truly appreciate every single optimistic idea I am still VERY open to any other ideas. that you've presented.

I do feel that isolating what would be considered more of my family unit is unfair to us and my DH.

The visitation my husband has is not a few hours or a day, it is an 2-3 weekends (Friday-Sunday) every month, 6 weeks in the summer, winter holidays (alternating thanksgiving [extended time for after christmas] /christmas), and every springbreak, plus more. Additionally, the amount of time required for him to travel, at a minimum of 5hrs roundtrip, to meet up with the boys is not overly extensive, but is draining (physically) on a regular routine, and is added time that we are are seperating ourselves.

All of these periods of visitation are extensive and I don't feel that it would be morally exceptable for my DH to give up any amount of time with his DSs. We don't have a location for my DH to spend in the town that the boys reside, or here where we reside. Financially we don't have the means to pay for lodging on a consistant basis or for extended periods of time (I hope I am not coming across as negative, this is our financial reality).

I believe that I have tried to process options so that my DDs are not subjected to anytime of further abuse. My DDs have and will always be my absolute priority as I know it should be the same for my DH and his DSs. We may be his family, but even though his DSs appear to have SERIOUS issues, he biologically is connected to these boys and can not sacrifice any time that he is granted, especially recognizing that he was forceably removed from their day to day life by his ex because of her own intentions.

I hope this added information sheds more light on our family dynamics. It is not my intention to push away the ideas presented so far. I am still VERY open and desperate to accept any other ideas presented.

-----------------------------------

Sylviatexas: I absolutly agree with your opinion. Example #1 was not a planned or expected situation. We all were appalled, and I supported my DD, and I have been diligent to create, establish seperate boundries of personal space.

We sat down with all of the children and admently explained the magnitude of the offense and enforced what we at that time "believed" were respect and safety standards. Obviously, we were wrong to assume that the 1st act was dealt with and would be the only.

Not to take away from the seriousness of each incident, it is not what was stated a "romantic or sexual fantasy" that create the conflict. My DDs have developed a strong paternal relationship with my DH. He as I stated prior is an exceedingly amazing father figure, and my DDs have an emotional dependability that they were not able to establish with my abusive ex.

Unfortunately, in reference to my personal sexual libido is absolutely gone for my DH. It's physically impossible to feel sexually attracted to him knowing that he participated in the creation of these boys.

yep.

Staying after your daughter was sexually abused is not a good idea. You need to worry about your kids first, and not the boys.

Absolutely the OP needs to take whatever measures necessary to protect the girls -- and their stepfather needs to be part of the decision making -- however -- must be absolutely on board for that safety goal, no ifs and or buts.

I wonder that no one has raised the possibility that those boys are themselves now the victims of abuse, at the hands of their new stepfather, or are witnessing their mother being abused by him -- and are acting out what they are witnessing/experiencing. That possibility needs to be investigated.

That the one boy seems to hate the OP may be misdirected blame for his situation.

I am no child psychologist, my opinion is likely worth what was paid for it

Oh my - what a situation. First, I absolutely agree with what others have already said.

Given that, I'm hearing you (mmoneill31) say that you've talked to the children (all of them) and "explained" things (compassion, respect, and boundries), and that you sat them down and adamently explained the magnitude of the behavior. Ok, that's all well and good. But what about discipline? Certainly talking is good, but blah blah blah. Discipline and appropriate punishment is imperative. RULES have to be set and enforced. And if they're not followed, then actions must be taken.

Talking is all well and good, and I suspect that, like many blended families with limited visitation, you and your husband don't want to "spoil" the time together by instilling discipline. Believe me .... if that's true, your problems are just beginning.

No matter how much talk goes on, no one, adult or child, should be subjected to having his/her abuser in close proximity.

Somebody needs to be out of that home, either the abuser or the child.

i agree with sylviatexas1.

I want to thank everyone for their advice. It is not going on deaf ears. My husband and I sat down this week and I asked him to read what has been posted. Because of all of the advice provided we have created a safety plan with extreme limited interaction. Even though we have limited time with the boys our discipline standards have been set, and we have enacted this.

Additionally, he has scheduled counseling for the boys. The concerns of abuse on the boys are very real, and all the children deserve to grow up in a loving family.