qwert,
It isn't clear to me what exactly you want an opinion about.

So are you saying that your stepmother planned on inheriting the money that ended up going to you? And that now she is in a bit of a bind?

You know intellectually, of course, that this is not your problem, that you did nothing wrong, and that no one has the right to count on an inheritance. But you're still feeling the guilt?

So what is your stepmother's financial situation? Is she Wealthy? Comfortable? Secure? OK? Need to be careful? Or in trouble? Would selling the vacation home and downsizing to a smaller main house solve her financial problems?

I guess what I'm saying is that I would also feel guilty if my inheritance meant my stepmother would not have financial security. Does she need that money to live on? Or is she trying to preserve an inheritance for her biological children by living off of yours?

I didn't understand the post either. This is a subject that really interests me because my husband is 80 years old and in a care home. I worry a little about his children suing me for part of the estate. We have been married for 33 years so I feel what we have is mine to keep. We did a division of assets for SRS, so his half of the estate will go for his care. Quite frankly I wouldn't leave them anything anyway. They stopped coming to see him when we stopped loaning them money. They would not help me with his care before he went into a home. I would have been able to keep him at home longer with some help from them.

I quess what I want insight into . . .is how it would feel to be my stepmother?

I let her know that I am concerned about her finances, and that I want her to be secure. I've asked her to be honest with me, but, I don't know what kind of disclosure she will be comfortable giving me.

Sorry to be so vague about knowing what my question is. I have been searching to find anyone who was part of similar situation. Perhaps I need to work towards my own peace with a counselor and hope my step-mom does the same. Thanks.

qwert,
Just what is your question? Did you inherit what your dad's wife wanted and now you want to know if you should share it with her? What's your question?

I have thought about this situation quite a bit. There are a few things that I don't understand. You said that your stepmother regretted not having your father change your grandmother's trust. If she made that statement, I would guess that your dad had some control of the trust.
While I am not an attorney, I think it would be unusual for someone other than the people who established the trust to be able to change who the beneficiaries are. I would suspect that your grandparents trust stated that if your father died, then his share of the trust would pass to you and your brother and not to your stepmother. That is a very common way to set up a will or trust. Your stepmother isn't your grandparents blood relative. She should have no claim to your grandparents' trust, unless she would be specifically mentioned.

If your grandmother had died without a will or trust, your brother and you would have received a share of her assets, and your stepmother would have received nothing, because there is no blood tie. She would not be entitled to a penny.

My husband and I have set up our will to have our children's share go to any of their surviving children, if our child would die, leaving children. That is how I want it. As much as we love our children's spouses, they would receive nothing.

I am sure that your grandmother would have wanted you and your brother to receive her assets, and not your stepmother. If your grandparents had the assets and money to establish a trust, then the lawyer usually asks the person establishing the trust those kinds of questions ie, if your beneficiary dies, who is to get his or her share. I am sure that you and your brother are getting what your grandparents would have wanted.

Do not feel pressured to give her anything. Her children will receive all of her assets. You will not receive anything. If there is any conflict, just say that you are honoring your grandparents wishes by keeping the money.

I personally think that your father and stepmother just assumed that they would get the money for retirement. They planned poorly. Keep the money for yourself and for your children. Your step siblings will benefit from what your father and stepmother have. I wouldn't give her anything. I would not feel guilty about it, either.

I'm confused, too. What's the conflict? When you said:

>>My stepmom has made it clear that she has only one regret about her and my fathers retirement planning and that is that she didn't allow him to change my grandparents trust (which she prevented him from doing shortly before he died unexpectedly).

Change it from what to what? Do you mean that she said she widh she had not prevented him from changing it so that it went to her if he died and not to you? If so, does that mean that you're feeling badly that you're inheriting money that maybe he wanted to go to her?

You're thinking that she should (maybe) get the money and not you? Is that the question?

Help, please.

I appreciate all the interest and insight.

My dad was sole trustee of my grandparents trust. He had decided, and had authority, to add my stepmom, so she would inherit his half if he predeceased her. My step-mom says she stopped him from doing this, and my aunt (dad's only sister) confirms that this all really did happen.

>>Just what is your question? Did you inherit what your dad's wife wanted and now you want to know if you should share it with her? What's your question?Your questions have really helped me see this in a "black and white" sort of way. The more I type this all out, and try to answer your straight forward questions, I find that I'm not as conflicted as I thought.

I know I'm entitled to my grandparents inheritance.
I know that I will help my stepmom if she needs it.

Truely, I'm just sad. Instead of helping each other deal with the loss of my dad, my stepmom has focused this last year on this money.

"Truely, I'm just sad. Instead of helping each other deal with the loss of my dad, my stepmom has focused this last year on this money."

I can only imagine how disappointing this must feel -- but try not to read too much into this. It could just mean that without your father, your stepmother is feeling insecure and vulnerable. And those anxieties are easily focused on money because it's concrete and can be managed -- a lot easier problem to tackle than loneliness and fear of being alone. When my grandfather died, my grandmother reacted in a very similar way, expressing anxiety over her loss of financial security (not true) rather than over her loss of companionship and emotional security.

You're clearly a kind and considerate person to be concerned about your stepmother's welfare.

qwert,
Consider what your grandmother intended. One of the reasons that a Living Trust is called a trust, is that the person that is to administer the estate is suppose to be trusted to follow the wills and desires of the person that made the trust in the first place. Keep that in mind.

Shouldn't your loyalty be to the memory of your grandparents?

I see now, and thank you for explaining. I understand your sadness and agree that you're a very special person. I think that the answers are right on.

This is exactly the insight I needed.

>> "expressing anxiety over her loss of financial security (not true) rather than over her loss of companionship and emotional security."I will keep this idea clear in my head and if I am given the opportunity I will find a compassionate way to introduce this possibility to her.

Happy Holidays. Thanks for your support.

My Father recently passed away - having informed me his will included bequests for his wife (my step mother) and me - his son. My step mother is very ill and not expected to survive. My Fathers' will has not been probated as yet. IF she should die - would I inherit her share as his only living relative?

No, I would expect her share to go to her heirs, whoever they are. If she has a will, it will go to whoever she willed it to.