the only right way is to be honest. Mom, I am dating so and so and it is getting to be serious. I want to bring him home for christmas next year. I just want to let you know in advance that your guy would not approve of our relationship... (ofcourse she will ask why and you will tell her...unless she already knows) I don't want to hurt anyones feelings but we all know how Dude feels and so I think the best bet is when I come we will stay at dad's... I still want to see you and visit with you but given the circumstances I think this would be the best scenerio. I just don't want to cause any trouble and I don't want to make things even more difficult for bf since he will already have to deal with meeting so many new people.

I wouldnt even go on any further as to an explaination. She knows who she is with and how he acts. I wouldnt threaten so to speak .. if he does not treat us with respect then we are out of hear blah blah blah...

I would however, have a serious conversation with BF before you go warning him of Dude... and what might transpire. I would go so far as to tell BF though... this is what might happen, this is how Dude is. I really want you to meet my mom but unfortunately it is not going to be an easy moment. If anything happens or if Dude treats you poorly we will leave. I would like to attempt it though.

If something does happen, I would not make a scence I would simply say Mom, I love you its time for us to go... and leave.

On a side note, I personally would stay in a hotel for the first time coming back home with my BF. This would eliminate any feeling of resentment from mom ... and for my DH the first time we visited my family (which doesnt have the complications but is a huge family and well we will just say overbearing sometimes as most big families are) I got a hotel room even though we easily could have stayed at relatives house. It made him feel more comfortable because at the end of the night we could leave and he felt like the pressure was off and we could laugh and joke about my crazy family. This might be a good idea for you and bf..bc despite the fact that you leave if something goes bad with mom and dude not having a place to go "home" to and vent without family just the two of you could have added pressure to the situation. Plus, my family is a little old fashioned and as much as we were welcome to stay in relatives homes... it would have been in seperate beds/rooms... which didnt make for any time at all to deflate so to speak.

On a side note and as I am sure you already know... going and knowingly dealing with this kind of ignorance is not going to be an easy thing for Bf or for yourself for that matter. My DH's stepdad is black and his moms sister is absolutely horrible to him whenever she visits. I could never understand why he would tolerate that kind of nonesense from his wife's sister in his own home but, he just says... I love her and she loves her sister.. it is all of the family she has. But, let me tell you if she acted the way she does with his stepdad in my home... she would not be welcome in it. Luckily, she minded her manners when she came to visit.

Does your Mother ever come to visit you? It may be best to have the initial meeting not around the holidays, as you noted, but a more casual time. Better yet, have the meeting closer to your own turf.

If you have any desire to have your Mom and Dude meet BF, do it in a public place, like a restaurant, and keep the meeting short. People are usually a little more inhibited in public. I would not advise you to have Dude and BF together in the confines of someone's house, where he could really act out.

Once Dude shows respect for you and your BF in public, then consider taking him to your Mom's house. I am not sure that your Mom will be able to make Dude treat the BF with respect he deserves.

I wonder how BF will feel about your Mother, given her choice of a partner. Being a racist would be a deal breaker for a lot of people.

Just some random thoughts.

Question to the OP (quirk) - Even if Dude is civil and polite during the first meeting, how will you feel with that tension and disapproval from him brewing under the surface? Do you think your mom will be aware of it and what influence will she have? How do you think it will affect your relationship with your mom long-term?

I related to your question somewhat because I have had some irreconcilable differences of opinion with my SM that damaged my relationship with my father for many years until in order to keep the peace I finally learned to smile and ignore her. The level of authenticity that I wanted in the relationship had to decrease, which was touchy for me, but it just wasn't going to happen any other way. Don't know if I could recommend the same tactic if outward nastiness or hostility were directed from my SM to my SO. Keep us posted...

thanks, guys. For some of the questions...

BF is already aware of Dude's racism. I didn't go out of my way to bring it up when we started dating, but awhile back mom and dude were visiting me, i was talking to bf on the phone and he picked up on my tone of voice or something, next time i talked to him, so i take it you don't like your mom's bf much? So the discussion happened no, i don't and why i don't. BF's expressed a willingness to try to deal with dude. Neither of us expect it to be easy. I do expect the rest of my family will support me and help out any way they can, as well as go out of their way to make BF feel welcome.

I'm sure my mom's choice of partner will affect how BF feels about her. It affects how *I* feel about her, and she's my mother. I'm one of those who would consider racism a deal breaker. It diminishes my respect for her that she does not. We have already been through the arguments, he knows i and my brothers and sis-in-laws are offended by racist/homophobic/whatever, he doesn't care or enjoys making offensive comments, sometimes we argue, mostly anymore i do the "smile and ignore" for the sake of keeping the peace for my mother, but you are right, that will not be an option anymore if comments are directed at BF.

I'm *not* planning on taking him home for holidays as a first visit. I agree that would just be too much pressure on everyone (including me!) (maybe especially me). I'm talking about bringing him on my next visit, sometime in the spring or summer, but having the talk w/my mom while I'm home for christmas to try to pave the way as much as possible. If mom and dude come here between now and then (which I don't think they will) I might try an introduction, but I'm afraid that might be worse. If dude did not behave, I don't think I could tolerate letting him stay in my house, for however much of the visit were left, and kicking him/them out of my home would (I think) cause more bad feelings than being at their house and just leaving. Even if they come here, I still will want to bring bf home to meet the rest of my family (dad, brothers, grandparents) so the issue of what to do and where to stay will still come up. mom of 4's idea of me and bf staying in a hotel (24 hours a day around someone else's family *is* a lot) might not be a bad idea, but suddenly refusing them the hospitality of my home I don't think would go over so well.

Of course it will affect my relationship with my mom, and not in a good way. It already is, at least in my mind. I resent that she has put me in this position. And, yes, I mean that actively "she has put me in", not passively "I find myself in". She raised 4 children to be non-prejudiced, normal members of society, her non-prejudiced children are raising her (so far) 5 grandchildren to also be non-prejudiced, let's not forget that statistically about 10% of the population is gay (us kids are all straight, but the grandkids are still children, any of them might not be), and she knowingly and willingly chose an outspoken bigot to share her life with. The chances that sooner or later one of her children or grandchildren would be in the position I now find myself is pretty high. I'm trying to figure out how to not have it completely ruin my relationship-- without expecting BF to tolerate what mom of 4's stepdad-in-law (? did i get that right?) tolerates. I do think my mom has a reasonable amount of influence over dude, if she chooses to apply it, I think she is willfully ignorant that his attitudes inflict meaningful harm to people, so a question is how will she handle it when awareness is forced on her that it is harmful and harmful specifically to her family? And I don't know the answer.

to be honest if you put it as.... well we are going to stay here at hotel this time I am going to let BF adjust to all of you wacky people first.. and make it joking I am sure that they would understand...

Aside from that, I wouldnt want anyone to tolerate what Dh's stepdad tolerates when she comes to visit... I dont like that he tolerates it especially in his own home...

But, one thing I would like to say and this may not be something you want to hear...Mom has chosen to be with a man whom she fundamentally disagrees on very important issues and despite the feelings of her family. And, she has chosen to be with him for 15 years. That being said, do not be too surprised and/or hurt if she does not stand up for you and/or your boyfriend.. I know that it would be devastating to me for my mom to not have my back, but, at the same time I see it with DH's mom. She is so incredibly desperate for that one ounce of family ties she has that she allows someone to mistreat the person she has chosen to share her life with. (Mind you this is completely ignoring the fact that she has children grandchildren etc etc) For whatever reason she can not put herself in a place to tell sis to shut up or step off... and this is her sister. Mom, may not be able to do so either for fear of being alone which may be the reason why she deals with it in the first place.

I think that's what I mean when I say she is willfully ignorant. She knows better deep down but pretends it's not a problem. If I allow it, I don't think she will do much constructive to stand up to him but will argue with him and oh how wonderful i am to put up with you when you are mean to my children. If I can get across that this is really hurtful enough to keep me away without framing it as choose me-or-him, she might be more constructively helpful; while she is not going to change his beliefs and I don't believe she will kick him out, I do think she has influence over his behavior when she chooses to apply it. He does not want her to leave him any more than she wants him to leave her, and I actually do think he genuinely loves my mom. I don't have any certainty this will happen; I will be hurt but not surprised if she doesn't stand up for me/to him. But, knowing ahead of time what to expect, and having plenty of time to think through how to approach it, I want to give it my sincere best shot.

You are wise to plan and give it your best shot. It seems like a very difficult situation.

Denial is a powerful coping mechanism. Your Mom may minimize her partner's racism as a "peculiarity," denying how wrong she knows it is, because she is afraid to leave him or that he will leave her. I have seen wives of alcoholics reason this way. (When he is sober and not beating me, he is a great guy.) If she is in denial, she CAN'T to stand up to Dude in defense of her own beliefs. If she can't do it for herself, how could she possibly do it for you? Rather than be hurt by it, recognize it as a human foible. Some wacky sort of co-dependency.

I agree with Mom of 4. Stay at a hotel and have brief contact with Mom and Dude in public when you are visiting. I think you need to let your Mom know that you will not bring BF to their home until Dude learns to show respect. If your mother wants you to bring BF home, she will have to work on Dude. That is her job, not yours.

I wish you good luck. By the way, I like the use of the word Dude. Does anyone have a similiar word for Dads GF??

Dude-ette

ya know, even though it probably doesn't sound like it from this post, i often in real life call him the Dude My Mom Shacks With and don't mean it disrespectfully beyond the fact that I can't bring myself to call him my stepdad. "Mom's Boyfriend" just doesn't seem to be an adequate description of a 15-year live-in, raised his kids together relationship, and there doesn't seem to be a title that fits, so i made one up. Neither he nor my mom is offended. And I was getting too confused using "boyfriend" or BF for both him and my BF when I was trying to write the question, so I just gave up and reverted. But, that said, if you really want a female equivilant of Dude... Chick, maybe?

quirk, has any family member ever brought a friend into a family situation that Dude would normally have a bigot comment about? Race, gay, poor, whatever? If so how did Dude handle himself? I ask because I wonder if he would actually chicken out of the nonsense in a face to face situation. I do wish you luck and glad you have other family that will be supportive.

Eandhlnot in a way to necessarily draw meaningful conclusions

A cousin has a child with her boyfriend who is black, but Dude and my aunt absolutely detest each other and always have for whatever reason I dont know, but Im quite sure hes never met my cousins boyfriend, highly doubt hes spent meaningful time around my cousin since she had the baby and if so not when I was around to witness and besides which any response would be affected by his feelings toward my aunt.

But there is my SIL who to look at her is blue-eyed blond-haired fair-skinned white as can be white girl but had a grandmother who was native american. As I said, in the past there have been plenty of "discussions" you cant judge people by where they were born what language they speak what color their skin is etc, and, more than once in my presence (and Im not around a lot) SIL has pointed out to him that 1st of all it is becoming more rare for anyone to be "pure" white, more and more people are mixed heritage, in fact she herself is not all white but has mixed ancestry. My observation is that he has basically ignored her; no apologies, no recognition that he has insulted her, her heritage, (and oh btw if my sil, my niece and nephew also), and he has obviously not stopped nor has my mom said anything. SIL or brother never really pushed the issue, and he probably doesnt really take her seriously since she looks white, to him I think thats all she is, but he still doesnt care shes insulted, my best guess is he will not care if he is insulting bf either (although BF is 63" and an athlete, dude is not, is there some guy rule that you dont insult other men to their faces when they are bigger stronger younger faster than you?)

Youngest brother said when he still lived at home he had a friend female, black, pregnant, he was really tempted to show up at home with her for the fun of letting dude draw obvious conclusions and watching his head explode. But never did. He thinks I am not properly appreciating the entertainment value inherent in the situation. (yes, but I might still want bf to like me after, there are easier and cheaper ways to break up with someone that dont involve plane tickets and vacation days) (I do know he is joking or I would have to swat his behind even if he does think he is a grown man not still my baby bro)

"is there some guy rule that you dont insult other men to their faces when they are bigger stronger younger faster than you?" - I don't know about a rule but I was hoping Dude was all big man talk when he isn't in the presence of anyone he would really be insulting but quieter when he is because he is actually a big chicken. I am sorry for you and BF to be faced with this difficult situation. I wish you both the best.

Dude "is prejudiced against basically anyone who is non-white, non-American, non-christian, non-heterosexual."

Is Dude a christian?

in theory he is catholic. Raised Catholic and attends church. Doesn't seem to have any connection to how he lives his life, though.

How odd that he is Catholic but living with a woman with whom he has been with for 15 years and is not married.

well, that was sort of what i meant about the disconnect between the religion and his life, but honestly that was probably not really a correct statement. These communities where he (and my family) grew up are overwhelmingly catholic, but if you know anything about issues between "american catholics" and official church doctrine where many american parishioners and in many cases priests and bishops as well feel that the church needs to, shall we say modernize somewhat and become more accepting of social issues such as divorce and birth control, a good portion of the people in these communities would fall into that "modern american catholic" mindset. Dude has 3 divorces under his belt, which is a lot even by these standards, and I would assume this means even if he managed to get his first marriage annulled, it seems unlikely he could get 3, plus my mom, while she does go to church with him has never officially converted, been baptized catholic, and of course is also divorced marriage not annulled, so I doubt they could actually get married in the catholic church anyway. So from the standpoint of the church, what they are doing may not be significantly different than if they were legally married, anyway. I'm not religious and often have difficulty understanding exactly what people's beliefs mean to them and how it affects their lives, I know enough to know you are not supposed to be perfect but to do your best, but how that translates into the complications of real life tends to be lost on me.

Of course, from my perspective, he is not really doing so well with the love thy neighbor part...

Just wanted to say thanks for the input. BF and I actually did not end up breaking up; we talked before I left for the holidays (and since), and although we still have some differences, once we both calmed down and (mostly) started making sense, it turns out that we are not so far off from each other as I'd thought. We're still tiptoeing around each other's feelings a bit, but otherwise doing ok. So, I went ahead and broached the subject of possibly bringing him along sometime with my mom, and it went I suppose as well as I could have expected. I kept it as simple as I could (just want to let you know, might want to bring BF sometime, we won't stay here if I do, BF is black and Dude is Dude, and I just don't see how anything good could come from that situation). While it would have been nice for her to say something along the lines of, you don't have anything to worry about, if you want to bring BF, I will talk to Dude, and will insist he is nice to the both of you, and that's not what she said, I also really wasn't expecting it. She did say she doesn't blame me for not wanting to stay w/ BF and Dude in the same house. She didn't either act all hurt that I wouldn't want to stay there or try to defend Dude and put me in the position of denigrating the man she's living with in order to make my point, which were the things I was most worried about.

Of course, none of this means things will actually go well when I do end up putting Dude and BF in the same room together (however briefly), but at least my mom understands where I'm coming from. And hopefully I've given her time to think about how to handle things and will not just be springing things on her last minute.

I'm glad to hear you and your BF worked things out!
I'm also glad to hear your mom wasn't angry like you had worried!

I think you made the right choice by preparing your mom WELL in advance, and good luck!