From my experience, some are born, some is medically based and some pick up the habit along the way. It is probably easier for those that developed the habit to change their outlook. The key to helping them, as with most things, is they have to want to change their perspective. Those that are the result of depression would best be approached with the treatment of the depression. Those born that way, such as one person I know with autism spectrum disorder, any change might be very slow in coming and require a lot of effort.

I have a running buddy who is negative about her children (no wonder one of them emigrated to Australia - she was so negative about his wife), her husbands job, her work, her friends, etc. She used to be a friend but I now choose, except for running, to not spend my free time with her.

Was she born this way? I have no idea. Can she change? Perhaps, but not my role.

One of my kids used to look at the negative side of life and I have worked really hard to have him look for and at the good side of people and situations. He was born this way. For some reason life, for him, was always a serious affair and not to be taken lightly. His dad and I have worked really hard at getting him to lighten up and in his mid-twenties, he seems to be really enjoying life.

While serious about his career and school, he has developed the ability to realize that it isn't always going to go his way and people aren't always going to fall in line with how he thinks they should conduct themselves.

This is different from the way my friend behaves in that she is just critical of people (she calls her 2 sons stupid and their SO's are horrible women - I suspect because they don't treat her like a queen) while my son doesn't understand why someone would do something mean and be critical of that behaviour. So we would try to explain that you don't know why that person did what they did in that situation and have him concentrate on the good side of the person. That's what he has learned.

Pammyfay, is this someone you know?

I have met negative, critical people throughout my life. If it is a work relationship, I usually try to just avoid that person if I can. Likewise neighbors. If I have to interact, I firmly steer the conversation to something like the weather.

If it is a close personal relationship, I try to see what initiated the behavior.

I agree with Gyr that for change to occur, people have to want to change.

IMO, it's environmental. I've been accused of being negative more than a few times. I don't know that anyone tries to be negative, they just have a different perspective on life. I was raised to look at things in a matter of fact way. To me, it's just a critical thinking skill that I say out loud. To others, it's a " I can't believe you just said that."

The flip side for me is people who think they are 'positive' because they will never say anything 'negative'. That drives me nuts because I want to know what they are really thinking. I often see those people as procrastinators or 'avoiders' who won't say what needs to be said.

Sometimes mental, psychological or physical issues may be a large part of the cause, and would need to be upgraded or otherwise dealt with when possible.

Sometimes it's largely a result of life experience, the people with whom the person has been associated, whether voluntarily or not, but often some of it relates to various paths that the person has chosen.

It usually takes some quiet, thoughtful and empathetic approach: the person needs to know that you are their friend, that you're on their side, and they can trust you - or up go the barricades.

Then, it's important to encourage them to move slowly over to see that there may be value in the view when one looks at things from a different perspective.

Sort of like working up toward a proposal of marriage - one needs to entice the person to see the value in seeing themselves, and the world around them, in a different dimension.

ole joyful

I'm with you Adellabedella. Just say it already! There's no need to be unkind or insulting, but there are entire cultures based around not saying what is real. The Pollyannas make me nuts! I don't think that's the same thing as positivity, though.

Pollyanna: All we need to do is raise $10,000 by next week. Let's do that.
Blunt: We're never going to raise $10,000 by next week.
Positive: Let's try to raise $10,000 and see how much we can really get.
Negative: Fundraising is a waste of time.

Personalities are shaped by both nature and nurture. Ways of thinking and expressing oneself are shaped by our circumstances. We adapt to the cultures of our peers. For instance, if there's one big punster in the office, soon everybody is joining in, even as they roll their eyes. OTOH, after someone has a stroke or other brain trauma, even if they don't lose their social filters (which is a common issue), their outlook can change from crabby to sunny or vice versa, which implies that there's a strong physical component to attitude, whether it is inborn or developed over time.

Why change them? Why not just love them for who they are? Merely curious. And I totally agree with Marilyn. Mostly, I have sympathy for them.

I think you are born the way you are and then influenced by life's situations. I have always been a realist leaning to the pessimistic side. Life has made me an extreme pessimist.

I firmly believe that the maternal side of my family has a genetic predisposition towards depression, alcohol and drug addiction, and negativity. My own mother was a card carrying member of that club, recognized it, and talked a lot about the history of it deep within her family history, mostly on her mother's side. Family gatherings were always full of spiteful gossip, petty arguments, and an undercurrent of grudges that went on for years and years.

My father and everyone I ever met in his family were peacemakers, strong thinkers, spiritual, and benevolent. Teetotalers for generations, but never judgemental of others. Reunions with those grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins were joyful, full of fun stories, and always left me with a warm feeling that all was well with me and my world.

I know for a fact that of the four children of my parents, two are like mother and two like Dad. My little brother was an unhappy, angry child from the day he was born. My eldest brother and I had and still have our own little club. I have had to make a conscious effort to not be like my mother, to not participate in the nasty gossip or criticism.

I always joked about the fact that I needed therapy before and after one of my rare trips home. I didn't actually have that therapy, but it wouldn't have been wasted. ;-) I've had to put some effort into not being like my mother because she was the model in the family, but am innately like my Dad.

Sure, as others have mentioned, extreme personality characteristics can be a combination of many things and with often unidentifiable causes - nature, nurture, experiences, examples set by others, mental health abnormalities, and on and on.

But with otherwise normal people, I don't accept someone saying "This is how I am". Those who persist with habits that others find unacceptable or uncomfortable to deal with often do so with arrogance, selfishness and stubbornness about the matter. Many have never been pushed outside their own comfort zones and would rather cling tightly to behaviors others dislike than to make an effort to change. I avoid people like that, life is too short. Happy people are much more fun to be with.

Without positive and enthusiastic dreamers, we'd still be living in caves. No thanks,

I have a dear friend who is 90 and she is always so positive, fun-loving, and caring. I asked her one day how she can always be like that and she said her mother was that way, but her dad was always negative...maybe it is genetics in part.

I think one should just enjoy the optimistic outlook of the optimists around us. Too often I am accused of having 'rose colored glasses'......so???? My DH is just the opposite and it is just as hard for me to "see" his point. For instance....He loves opera and when he listens to it, he is always comparing it to another performance or singer in mind. I kind of feel sorry for him, because that moment,is really what matters, that performance....not how it measures up to something else. So, we just have to agree that the way he "looks" at things...including just life....is different. I live in the "moment" .....he is unconsciously, measuring things. We need both perspectives as we move forward.....the "in the moment" personality would probably step off a cliff, if the "analyzing, comparing" person were not there to say...Oh,,oh, use caution. Just say'an......

It was always hard for me to understand how my mother could be such a positive person, always interested in people, interested in helping others. Her mother, who lived with my mother and me almost as long as I could remember, was the most closed, suspicious person I've ever met. My mother told me *she* learned from her father how TO live, and from her mother how NOT to live -- but I also think it was just a natural sweetness in my mother and in her father (who died before I was born).

I've known people who had extreme sensitivity to the world around them. They needed to be more 'closed', just to cope with all the sensations and not be overwhelmed.

I've known people who were obtuse clowns; that was their only means of interacting with others.

I think we do 'come with' certain traits, and we learn others.

(Put me on the non-Pollyanna end of the spectrum.)

I also think we are born with genetic predispositions, but it also has a lot to do with how someone is raised -- whether a sense of self-esteem was instilled in the person, whether there was encouragement. Unfortunately, that (relatively speaking) can be a short window. I'm thinking that some habits are very, very hard to shake. And unfortunately, I think many people are reluctant to avail themselves of therapists, who can help them get to the core of themselves. (A sister tricked me into going with her to her therapist; I was not thrilled -- I don't share a lot with anybody -- but it was useful sharing things my sister and I didn't know about each other. )

And there are so many mood-enhancing meds out there that can really make a difference. It's sad more people don't take advantage of them.

It's a combination of genetics and environment...nature vs nurture. Unfortunately I was unlucky to inherit both.

I cannot imagine going through life taking a mood-enhancing med. No thank you, I'll just be ME.

"I cannot imagine going through life taking a mood-enhancing med."

I am not criticizing your choice at all, it is yours to make. But some negative outlooks such as clinical depression are caused by chemical imbalance, to me, taking medication to restore that balance for life would be no different than an insulin dependent diabetic taking insulin for the rest of their life.

I understand that some people do need drugs such as those suffering from bipolar. But I'm not going to take a drug to try and turn myself into an optimist.

After teaching the Myers Briggs personality tests for many years, your personality type, PLUS life experiences and influences = who you are and how you act and react. You can take the tests on-line to see which one of the 16 personalities you are. As they say in "Please Understand Me" Character & Temperament Types - by David Keirsey and Marilyn Bates - "Different drums, different drummers."

Any number of diseases, conditions, surgeries (like open heart or brain surgery), chemical imbalances, chronic pain, as well as medications and any number of things, can alter or change people to a certain extent. Most people with strong personality traits (such as thinker, judger), which are sometimes misconstrued as negative, pessimistic, or cynical because they see things as black and white, with little that is gray, will mellow as they age, but you don't change them entirely. Those personality types are just as important as any other because we each bring something different to the table, so to speak.

arkansas girl, I don't think you understand the nature of the drugs and depending on your physician's point of view, you could actually be cutting off your nose, despite your face. Many people who suffer from severe depression do not take the drugs to change themselves into "pollyanna's", the purpose of the drugs is to provide a chemical balance that allows them to think clearly and actually have a chance to be who they are meant to be. Just like hormone inbalances can be corrected the same holds true with anti depressants.

There has been quite a it of research that suggests that personality traits may be inherited. There will always be a nature vs. nurture debate on why people do the things they do.

People can and do change. But usually it is followed by a life-altering event such as a death, a birth, or an extreme change in circumstances. Interestingly a significant number of people with mood disorders "improve" as they age.

lukki is right. Many (though not all) personality and mood issues have a brain chemistry manifestation that may be effectively treated with the right medications. It's no different than taking meds for any other medical problem. (mental health extremes are medical problems).

Myers Briggs is an entertaining tool for laymen to help understand personality inclinations. It's a starting point, not an ending point. There are many people whose personality inclinations are obstacles for them in their lives, their occupations, and their interactions with others. Understanding these by whatever means can help identify areas requiring attention and change. .

I have known some folks for whom negativity/commiseration was just kind of their way of making conversation.

Just an observation -- body chemistry can influence mood, and it doesn't need to be drugs per se. How many folks are grumpy in the morning until they have a glass of OJ or cup of coffee? I avoid strong coffee because it can make me mean.

-Oaktown ("the glass is half full and I think they have free refills")

Oh, I love that, Oaktown! Kind of a "Costco food court" philosophy, with those free refills. I'd add that you must start by buying the first glass; nobody's going to search you out and hand it to you. (Well, maybe your mom. LOL)

When I was in sixth grade I had to review a non-fiction book. I chose one on "How the Brain Works". I remember asking my mother to drive me to a neighboring town's library to get the book without waiting for an inter-library loan. I'm pretty sure it was geared to young readers. I've never forgotten the description of the chemical process between dendrites within the brain that constitute "thought". I was just bowled over to think (!) that we could *know* how this works. Today, we know how to help some brains by supplementing chemicals they lack. This isn't 'feel good' stuff for people without chemical deficits. These meds can allow a person to have a normal mood, free from abnormal depression and delusion.

("the glass is half full and I think they have free refills")

I like that, too, Oaktown! I'm a realist that leans optimistic. The optimism part was more learned, probably. The first 30 years of my life were scary--my goal was just to get out alive. I figure it would take a heck of a long stretch of bad luck now to return to that level. That type of comparative helps keep those little dips in perspective.

Yes, but in my opinion, the caffeine in that coffee is basically a drug. Excedrine, Anacin and even some Bayer products prescription have caffeine in them as well as many Analgesics (like Cafergot) and OJ is used to balance out sugar levels which affect our moods too. So in theory, it's really no different than someone else who takes a medically prescribed prescription to balance out their system is it? It's all done with the idea of altering a chemical imbalance right?

That said, not ALL depression is the result of a chemical imbalance, there are social and economical reasons for depression as well and negativity too; though typically it's considered temporary and something that will work it's self out.