I have no good answers, but just wanted to say I'm so sorry, and I understand. My youngest brother is addicted to prescription opiates, and it has devastated our family (and family gatherings) for the past several years.

Yesterday it was obvious that he is going through withdrawals and is in very bad shape. He needs to go to rehab. It breaks my heart.

Through all the various dramas over the years, I have found that in my particular family dynamics, if I speak my mind about the issue or make ultimatums, it damages my relationship with my parents, and changes nothing with him. He does not call me anymore, and I am civil and polite when we see each other. I guess I've just detached because I can't deal with the emotional upheaval. The years of being furious with him were exhausting, and I can't control how my parents deal with him. I hate it, but I can't fix it.

I wish you the best, and send a big hug---

I'm sorry Magda. I don't have the answer either, but I think what you suggested sounds like a good idea. I'm sorry you are dealing with this, especially at the holidays.

I feel for you, and hate that your mom and sister seem to be pitting you all against each other. I completely understand your decision and agree with it. I know the stress you and your DH are put under each and every time you see his name on the Caller ID, the endless thoughts that have run through your mind and numerous times you asked yourself Will. It. Ever. End.

If you give an inch, most will want to take a mile... and then some. Go with your gut, not your heart, and explain to Mom and sister "for the last time" (and mean it) your logic. If either bring up again, then stop them before they get started and/or refuse to answer other than to say "remember our last conversation.

"Edited to add: "I've just detached because I can't deal with the emotional upheaval. The
years of being furious with him were exhausting, .... I hate it, but I can't fix it."

Exactly. Well said.

Agree with what Allison said....totally.

So sorry you are going through this.

Of course you are not obligated to have him or anyone in your home you are uncomfortable with but I think if your mom has a gathering you should go. Don't put your mother through "choosing sides." You don't have to stay the entire evening and if your brother starts acting up exit early. If your DH decides not to attend that's his decision.

Although my family dramas aren't as serious as yours, I'm slowly learning that we sometimes have to do things we don't like in order to just get along and try to keep the peace. At the end of the day it's usually better to have taken the high road.

My ex was an alcoholic. I think you made the right decision. You've taken a stand (and a good one). If you back down now, next time you try to take a stand people will be less likely to take it seriously. Also, I would put your husband's feelings about the situation above those of the rest of your family.

I'm really sorry your family is going through this but your statement that "It's either him or me" makes it sound like this is a competition. Sorry to be blunt. I think the only people you need to please are yourself and your DH and your children (if you have any). Plan a Christmas that will make you happy. You can't control your mom or your sister's feelings and actions. I suspect that they are just as torn and stressed over this situation as you are. I think you can be kind and sensitive to their own turmoil over this while standing your ground and adhering to your principles. It's not about judgment but about accepting that we're all in different places in our journeys through life including dealing with horrific situations that could break our hearts if we let them.

My practical advice would be to plan your own family's Christmas celebration and invite your mom and sister to join you. If they refuse and decide to spend part of Christmas with your brother, perhaps invite them to come over on Christmas Eve or Christmas Brunch or a Christmas evening dessert or whatever time works best so they can be with both your brother at one time and with you at another time.

Or do something different this Christmas that takes you out of town, possibly a short cruise or renting a mountain cabin or place by a beach. Sometimes the easiest way to deal with difficult holiday situations is to shake things up a bit.

I wish for you and your family comfort and healing during this holiday season.

I think you are handling this exactly right. Stick to your plan.

drunks are very manipulative and if you present it to your Mom as "either me or him" situation, he's gonna turn it around and make you the bad guy. Don't give him the chance. Swallow a couple of xanex, show up at Mom's just long enough and go home with an excuse, sickness, whatever. Mom gets to have her family together and you don't get suckered into drama. Im guessing he'll be in good behavior at Moms house, so good chance you'll come out unscathed. Best wishes. Sadly, alcoholism is a family disease, and it affects the innocent most of all

I also think you are handling this the best way you can for yourself and your family. I don't know if a compromise might be (since I have no experience with this, nor any siblings) to say you will attend Christmas at your mother's but only if your brother agrees not to drink a drop that day. If he shows up and has been drinking, he's out, not you. If he sneaks into the bathroom and takes a drink, he leaves, not you.

Oh, Magdalena - so many of us know a version of this story and whatever it is that allows you to feel in control of YOUR life is what you have to do. Doesn't matter what anyone else's vision of the holiday is or what they may view as your role in not meeting that vision - that's their problem to deal with, not yours. And as you well know, not only can you not fix the alcoholic, you can't fix the enablers, whatever role they play. The difficult part for you (I'm internalizing here) is to avoid feeling guilty or responsible for anything that plays out after you state your position and abide by it. I hear you, I feel your frustration and I applaud your strength.

Magda, First can I say I'm so sorry that you're having to face this terrible situation? Family disagreements are never easy but when it concerns something you have a strong belief about, that makes it all the harder. Even at the risk of a division in the family, I still believe you are right to stand your ground; please do not enable your brother. Alcoholism is such a destructive disorder because it's so hard to get under control. Never is the person addicted the only victim and in more cases than not, the problem never seems to go away. I'm impressed that after years of dealing with it, you're still willing to help your brother once he gets himself under control. It's certainly more than I would do if I were in your situation. After all he is an adult and at some point he has to take responsibility for himself. If not now then when?

Without question, it's wrong that your mother has put you in the position of having to choose and essentially has you feeling like you're the bad guy. YOU are so clearly not so don't allow her to make you feel that way. You're a married adult with a mind of your own, a family of your own and a life of your own. You need to live that life, your life according to your own belief system. I think if you compromise that you will have regrets. Deep inside you know you are right and you have the love and support of your husband; that's what matters. You are both educated about the problem(s) your brother faces and you both know tough love is the right thing to do. Just don't loose sight that these ARE his problems not yours. hugs

Mag, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Before I read any of the following comments, I decided that I fully support your stand and your plans, regardless of what anyone else says. I'm grateful I haven't had to go through this with my family, but you and your husband--plus any kids, don't know if you have any--come first. The rest, mother, sister, it's all manipulation.

Be strong. Take care of yourself.

Glad to hear this. I just erased my post as I was responding at the same time as you were.

I have not read the other replies, but being very familiar with dealing with alcoholics, I would say offhand, why on earth is everyone's behavior wrapped around what your brother will or will not do? Yes, I have done that, many times. And don't anymore.

I say carry on life as normal and exclude your brother because in effective communication language: He will ruin Christmas. It is enabling him by allowing him time with his family whom he has hurt over and over.

why are you letting yourself, your emotions, and your holidays be controlled by an addict? Stay strong.

You are not being an unreasonable b!*ch by any means. Only you can decide what works best for you and only you can decide to not be a part of this situation. I agree with your decision.

My father was an alcoholic, my DH's brother is one, and both my brother and sister married one (Gee, I wonder why). I don't tolerate alcoholics (or heavy drinkers) in my life. My son, who is 26, dated a girl for 2 years when he was 23 and 24 and they would have what I called alcohol-induced drama situations. My kids are very aware of the destructive nature of alcohol and have been since they were 12 when I decided to be brutally honest with them about what alcohol can do to families. I told my son that he was never to bring that situation into my home but it started to get so bad that he was told I would be kicking him out of my life if it continued. He knew I meant and they did break up. We still talk about it and he recently had a situation at work with a sales rep that he had to deal with because of the sales reps drinking. Now he gets it. But, make no mistake about it, if it came between him and me, I would have chosen me. Been there, done that and not doing it again.

Stick to your decision and don't be manipulated by anybody and that includes your mom. This is your mom's son and she is ever hopeful that he will follow through on all those empty promises and will quit drinking. And yes, she will choose him over you. As far as she is concerned you are the strong one and, again, as far as she is concerned you can deal with it while your brother (awww poor baby - sarcasm alert) needs our help and understanding. BS! I have seen and heard it all.

In my family there are so many adult children of alcoholics, of which I'm one as are most of my nieces and nephews, we could hold our own convention.

I can't emphasize it enough - stick to your decision, please.

So glad others wrote without reading the other commentary first too, sorry, I forgot to include that I hadn't read any either. I was also curious as to if you had children as dealing with issues like this can be even harder when they're small. It's ok if your brother wants to blame you or make you out to be the villan, in the big scheme it just means he knows he can't manipulate you too. Obviously, having your husband's support is key; I really hope that if you go to your Mom's it works out and you're able to have a happy holiday.

I can empathize with your situation having an alcoholic brother myself. In fact I had two alcoholic parents and another alcoholic brother who died of cirrhosis at age 47. I think it's good to stand your ground. I was walked all over by my family members until I told two of them on very separate occasions many years apart that I would have nothing more to do with them if they continued to choose alcohol over sobriety. My mother never drank again and we had several years of quality time before she passed. My brother who is still alive in spite of severe cirrhosis has been doing well for several months since I told him I did not want to see him or talk to him again if he didn't remain sober. I know it's a very difficult thing to deal with. I only have myself and my brother since he's my only living immediate family member so not as complicated as your situation. My heart goes out to you. You need to take care of you.

I'm so sorry. I agree completely with you. While your Mom and Sister think you are doing wrong by your brother, I believe the opposite. The right choice isn't always the easiest.

ML, have you ever considered or gone to an al anon meeting? My extended family is absolutely riddled with current, former and dead (due to alcoholism) alcoholics. My most peaceful family members have a few years of Al Anon under their belts. It seems to help them let go of expectations for their drunk family members in a way, they can choose to be around their actively drinking family if they want without feeling like it is up to them to change the drinker's behaviour. Or they may choose to not see those family members. But the very understandable rage and helplessness feelings associated with that person have diminished. If you can imagine having to visit your brother (in my case uncle) while he's still drinking while dying of liver failure in a hospital bed...well, we've been there in my family. It's pretty hard to do that peacefully. :(

I say make everyone happy. Keep the responsibility on brother. Extend him the same invite as all the family gets, with a bit of a reminder of the "rule"/ expectation he is welcome--SOBER--anything else he will be asked to leave. Put DH and any other male you can find on notice--first sign of alcohol brother is escorted to the door. What happens is all on him. If he isn't invited the elephant in the room will ruin the mood just as much as an escort out if that has to happen.

You've received a lot of good advice here, so there's nothing I can add, other than to support you in your choice which is really helping him the best way you can. I'm so sorry things like this happen with the holidays, sometimes causing the most suffering as they are supposed to be the happiest times of year, but can be the most painful. Stay strong and take care of yourself.

I dont know what the best course of action is in situations like this as they are too individual and dependent on the personalities and history involved. You seem pretty level headed and not punitive in the least so I'll side with your inclinations and say follow your head. Someone has to think --not feel---at such times.

I can empathize. I've got a large family-there are 5 sisters, two of whom are alcoholic/addicts with mental illness tossed into the mix. We had a bad situation this past summer on a family vacation when one of my problem sisters behaved so horribly that the rest of us have chosen not to have any contact with her. My dad is in the middle, and I feel that while I can decide not to deal with her, it's not my right to expect my father to adhere to my decision.

So while I'm not going to have any contact with her or speak to her, if I'm invited to my parents' house for Christmas and she is there, I will go and I will not make a scene. She is addicted to Xanax and I have had to re-learn the lesson I've kept learning for years: the disease of addiction is one that destroys not only the patient but those s/he loves, because it destroys the essence of an individual. The terrible behavior, the agony and sorrow of watching someone you love be destructive to themselves and all around them, all of that is a soul killer. My heart truly aches for you and for the battle you have to fight caused by this terrible disease that is affecting you.

I am so sorry you have to go through this. No other good advice, as you have received much already and I have no experience with this. It does seem like you are doing what is best for you and your DH, and that is important.

My boss is going thru a very painful situation with his oldest son right now with alcoholism (he is 25). The son has been in rehab multiple times, to AA meetings, but nothing seems to stick, and of course he thinks he can do it on his own. To hear my boss talk about it, his wife is somewhat an enabler and won't enforce any rules or tough love so they let him come back home and disrupt their lives. The worst part is they have a 10 year old who is seeing all this.

Mag, I am so sorry you are having to deal with such a heart wrenching situation such as this.

I personally think you are doing the right thing. If you feel sick to your stomach and anxious just seeing his name on the caller ID how could you possibly deal with seeing him on a holiday? It seems you have given him more than enough chances. I think you have to look after yourself and your feelings on this first and foremost. Your sister and mom should be more understand of your feelings. However, not everyone can see things from another's perspective.

Stick to your guns and do not feel guilty for having established your boundaries. Trust your gut. Only you can know what is best for you.

Big (((HUG)))

Magdalena,

I totally see your point and I think it is entirely justified.

I have been thinking about this post, though, because I have a slightly different view. If I were you, I would attend a holiday gathering at your Mom's house, with your sister and nephew and brother and whomever. I would try not to judge how your Mother or sister choose to deal with your brother -- they are struggling too. But I would hate to see this person (who has already caused so much destruction) damage your relationship with your Mom and sister.

So I would not host him, but I would not shun a party he attends. I also would not force DH or anyone else to attend. I would go and try to make the best of it, try not to make it about him.

You can't control and your are not responsible for your brother's drinking. He could "go to a bar get drunk then drive home and kill someone" any day of the week. It doesn't really relate to the holiday.

You should still stick to your guns about blocking his number, etc., and you should. One, to protect your happiness. Two, because the kind of help he is seeking from your isn't what he really needs. He needs to decide to be sober and only then should you help --- if you want.

Again, you are totally justified in handling it the way you want. I am just trying to think through what approach might make the most people the happiest in the end - including you.

Since this is a forum, I'm adding my 2 cents, whether it's appropriate or not & saying that I am in agreement w/ what MtnRdRedux has said above. Saying one will not attend a function because a problem family member is invited seems to imply that if they were not invited, one would attend - which amounts to emotional blackmail in my book.

I can sort of relate; I have a close cousin whom my mom usually includes @ every family holiday gathering, but I try to avoid her as much as possible, although I am polite & speak to her when it's necessary. She has many of the same issues others have listed here, as well as being (as far as we can tell) a pathological liar - that is, she lies about everything - even seemingly inconsequential things. I established the boundaries not by laying down the law, but by simply not responding to her bait & apparently got the message across, because she is also polite to me, but no longer tries to corner me for a 'conversation'. I refer to it as avoiding being sucked into her vortex.

& you never know, this brother may just not show up anyway...

FWIW

Thank you again everyone. You all have helped very much by allowing me to understand I have options, I tend to think in black and white terms to my own detriment.

Mtn, your post is pretty much what I've resolved to do and feel. My relationship with mom is already strained but I'm very close to my sister and she just want's a no drama "Texas" holiday for her son - they live in NJ. I treasure my nephew and I don't want him to feel any tension between family members.

Like I said, it's not likely that my brother will even be there (Mom called him on Thanksgiving and he didn't answer or call her back), but either way, we are proceeding with our Christmas on New Year's day at Mom's house. We've even decided on not cooking. We will pick up some BBQ and do a White Elephant gift exchange - seriously no stress! Plus, I've given DH the option to not go at all. We will have a small celebration on Christmas day at our house with DH's dad, and my son - so I don't really think DH will be missing anything.

I just have to remember to not allow my brother to affect my other family relationships.

Magdalena,

That's great! I hope it all turns out for the best!

I find it helps tremendously to think these things out beforehand so my responses are measured----almost planned--- and not unpredictable reactions. Here's hoping for a drama-free, Texas Christmas for your family!