It sounds like you want to continue the rift.

This could have been an opportunity to mend things, but unfortunately it went the other way. A conversation would have been far better than texting.

Why don't you call your sister and instead of reporting to her what she has done wrong, tell her you feel sorry about the lack of a friendly relationship with her, your confusion about what went wrong, and a desire to mend things. Reach out with love and kindness; it will be so worth it if you can be sisters again. Don't let the holiday pass without making a genuine effort at reconciliation. Maybe her call for a ride was the only way she knew to reach out.

Yes, we've had family drama, so yours is not unusual that way. The last few years have been good though.

No, rhizo, I don't. I don't know what the rift is about. I've asked her to tell me. She won't. I'm not going to sit in my car for an hour in silence, and then spend a day with her. If she won't tell me, it's both of our losses.

I neglected to add, she has withdrawn from our other sister as well as me.

socks, I'm afraid to do just as you recommended. She has a sharp tongue, and I don't want to be on the receiving end of it. Communicating initially via text seems safer. I wrote what you suggested, and got the reply she sent me, about being rude. If she would just talk in a civil manner, we could talk this through. I really don't know what I've done, and I've invited her to tell me.

She's avoided you, she doesn't talk to you, and all of a sudden she asks a big favor? I would have texted back, "sorry, I can't help" or "no, I can't give you a ride, I'm busy" or something neutral. No need to dredge up anything, or get into details or anything else. She made her bed by alienating you and your other sister. Just let her be. I don't think this is going to be salvaged, just move on with your life.

It's pretty clear to me, anyway, that your sister only wants to be "a
sister" when it's convenient for her. I think you handled it the best
way for your situation.

Some people will make up things to miserable about and put the blame on someone else.

Abraham Lincoln said it best: "People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."

Enjoy the day and don't worry about her.

Just because you are sisters, doesn't make you friends. I have two sisters. One I am friends with, one I am not.

The difference though is that with my sister, we are not estranged. To be honest, we have nothing in common, she lives differently than I do and thinks differently than I do. I invite her to my home for Thanksgiving and if I didn't, I would never see her! She is not interested in socializing.

Sephia, it seems like you want to just understand why your sister feels the way she does. The only way to do this is one on one in person.

Don't prolong the period of mourning any longer (12 years) or retain any hope that things will change, because I think it is and will remain how it is. Move on and be happy. From your description, she's missing out, you're not. I had a similarly toxic relationship in my family but when this person got sour I acted quickly and cut off contact. It was so the right thing to do!

For whatever reason, some people like to share their unhappiness with others but it can't happen if you won't let them.

Yes, it is true that I don't really care about a relationship with this sister. She has cut off several people in the family. Her text to me about her riding with me on Christmas morning came out of the blue, so I took the opportunity to ask what the problem is, that I honestly wanted to know. I hadn't heard from her for years. She's kind of a "user" kind of person. Her response to me asking her to let me know what I had done to offend her was call me rude. I don't have to deal with her on Christmas day because I'm not driving her to where dinner will be, and she doesn't like to drive on the freeway.

I have a sister who cut not only me out of her life 6 years ago, but also our brother and all of our nieces and nephews. If she texted me looking for a ride to her daughters place I wouldn't even respond. She can take a cab.

The problem I have with people saying just get together and talk it out is that it is clear that your sister has no interest in that and why put yourself through something like that. I think you handled it very well and good for you for not letting it ruin your life.

I have a friend that went through something similar. She completely stopped talking to me (and another friend) and for many years I heard nothing from her. Then at one point she starting talking to our other friend (not about why she stopped being friends in the first place) and then to me. As much as I would love to know what happened all those years ago, we have managed to become good friends again. Whatever happened will stay a mystery. She was never interested in "talking it out" so I take what I can get and that is good enough for me.

Sounds like you have made peace with yourself and that is probably as good as it is going to get for you.

If I didn't know better,I'd swear that was "my" sister.

Pretty much the same thing for me,except I "know" why my family are the way they are.

I was,along with another family member,the executrix of my parents wills.....enough said.

That was 1998 and 2000......I've learned to live without all of them.

Luckily we have happy holiday gatherings. We have grown to 12 with the full contingent of our nuclear family and my sister and BIL. We had a Christmas drama 10 years ago with a phone call from our son-in-law that we were to be grandparents before the day was out. We count ourselves fortunate that we all enjoy being with each other.

Its only you who decides as you know what you have gone through, felt through it all and when she asked for a ride after snubbing you all those years if you are there, she won't go, that is her problem, not yours at all.

I disowned my brother and after what happened since losing our dad and what his wife has done from day one and all she wants is all of dad's money and saying the things they did to myself and my mother, I understand sometimes you must make a stand and say enough and that is it.

I don't need to hear anymore or feel the only time I am needed is to do stuff, be their slave, no thank you at all.

I agree she was using you fully and if you do this she will want more and more as the years go by but not allow anything else and keep up that stance she has for whatever reason.

She made that choice to do that since you all lost your mother, maybe she couldn't handle it, don't know the relationship at all but maybe that is a connection.

Do what you feel is the best, so many have finally said enough and that is it being with that family member and not be stomped on or made to feel horrible all the time and what did I do when you probably did nothing.

We know what is best and so do it and stick with it no matter what anyone else says.

For myself, I tried and tried and kept quiet but what was done after my father passed, I said no more and I will not stand for that my father was only good to have money for sil, she is not deserving and never will be at all.

I read quickly..but, all your "proof" of her cutting you off is from third parties. You really have nothing from HER. Giving her a ride would have given you the opportunity to ask NICELY if the hearsay is true and why.

She sounded desperate to have tried several times...especially after such a long absence of communication. Seems like a great time to put on the Christmas spirit and be the bigger person. Do you ever wonder what other's are telling her as to why she hasn't heard from YOU in all this time? I too am estranged from "sisters", so I know this pain. I am very relieved there is no mandate from above concerning siblings, just parents...but still I would give a hardly know ya neighbor this ride..so not seeing being snarky to my dumb sisters over it.

Sephia, I'm glad you posted here to try to make sense of it all. I think drama during the holidays, or any time really, takes two. If you don't participate, there is no way for the other party to make more drama.

Imagine the drama, the wailing, the accusations on her part if she was in your car and halfway there decided to have a tantrum. You would either have to suffer what amounts to verbal abuse, or drop her off on the side of the road (she would promptly call her daughter to get picked up and you'd hear about that for years).

Yes, arcy, you
read too quickly. You made a lot of
presumptions from what I wrote.

She
didn't try several times to contact me. I received a text, out of the
blue, from a phone number I didn't recognize. She had to say who she
was. I've had the same phone number for 25 years, so she had my
number. I don't need to be the "bigger person." She
has an obligation to do the same. I have no pain from not having any
contact with her. This sister is 20 years older than me, and we never had
much of a relationship anyway. I'm closer to her daughter, my niece, who
is two months younger than me. I just thought it strange that she
would contact me, via text, after years of silence, to ask for a ride.

You've
replied in the past to things I post with rather snarky comments. Do you
have a problem with me? I don't recall ever giving you a snarky reply.

Your depiction of what she said this last time ("rude as usual!" etc.) makes it seem she thinks you (and probably the other sister) are the chronic problem person - you are being avoided, except when there is an emergency (like needing a ride to a once per year family function) because to her you are the one that is a pain to deal with.

Some people seem to always look out only at others in judgment and exasperation and not at what they themselves might also be doing. She is probably one of those.

Maybe you can't get her to talk about it because she thinks it will turn into her going "you are this way" and "you are that way" - you, you, you, on and on. Or she is afraid she will get the same coming back at her.

Whatever it is, if she won't talk about it there's not much you can do.

I'd let her go and continue my happy life. I think you can't change other people...so don't try to make her a good or better person you'd want to be around.

In her reply, she told you why she's mad at you. She said that you are rude and "same old Linda". So to me that pretty much says all you need to know, she's mad because she believes that you are rude to her and perhaps others? There are people that are constantly looking for something to piss them off. I guess I could say that they aren't happy unless they are pissed off at someone. I know plenty of people just like that. There was one in our dog park group...she was constantly mad at someone about something until she just stopped coming...I say "good riddance" to people like that!

I haven't read anything but your original post. Accept that there are things you cannot fix. Live your life. Move forward. Do not let this take up any space in your head. It will make you crazy. Just leave it alone and get busy living your life.

I'm so blessed not to have any of that kind of drama in my life.. Sorry you have to deal with it but I think you did the right thing at the time and should just put it behind you.

You say this sister called you. You did not reply. Then she texted you, asking for a ride. You not only refused, but brought up old business. OK. Fine. Your choice. You know her, and we don't.

However, you *might* have gotten to the 'why' about this if you'd agreed to drive her. You still might not *like* her, and might have felt 'used', but you would have tried. You *chose* not to try. There's no 'right' or 'wrong' here. You chose.

Sounds exactly like a sister of mine. I haven't seen her in years except for our parents and oldest sisier's funerals. That was another whole story. She didn't get along with anyone. Even her own children. I could go on but it would take weeks. She passed away 3 years ago and it was the strangest funeral I had ever gone to. I can't say I have ever missed her. Makes me so thankful I have wonderful children and we all love spending time together. Some people are just so negative in life. I choose not to be that way. Enjoy life with the ones that enjoy you, Sephnia!! I would not have taken her either..

We have drama in my family too especially around the holidays. I think that our expectations of that perfect 'Norman Rockwell Christmas' don't take into account that we are real people with all of our flaws and pimples :-)

If you want to reconcile with your sister, my hope is that you'll do it before it gets to be too late.

After 12 years, she texts you for a ride? I would have hit delete.

Everyone, be grateful for amiable family relationships! My husband is a single child, I have two brothers. One brother is an amoral opportunist, the other lives far away and has always chosen to avoid drama. After many years of family strife, I have decided that the pain of dealing with these types of situations is not worth my sanity and peace of mind but still have longings for a large, close family! Not to mention what my mother (deceased) did to me and folks! that would make a story to stand your hair on end!! So enjoy what you have, cultivate your family if you have anything to work with!

In order for forgiveness/healing and ultimately reconciliation one of you has to be ready at a minimum. It is obviously not you. I wonder if it were your sister?

arcy - I have no interest in forgiveness/healing, or any reconciliation. I don't know where you're getting that from. My post was merely a musing on whether other people experience family drama during the holidays. I thought it odd that my sister would text me, asking for a ride, after I hadn't heard from her for 12 years. This could have ended up with family drama, but I nipped it off so it wouldn't develop into anything ugly.

Even close families can breed dramas from time to time!! I have two older siblings who I normally get along with just fine. But both have issues with our mother (now deceased) and tend to remember her as some sort of ogre. Which she was not, at least to me, but I am the youngest by a good margin so maybe things were different when they were growing up. Anyway, she - like all of us - was not perfect and did have some personality traits that could be confrontational. Oddly enough, both of them have similar traits - like holding grudges indefinitely - that they see in each other but not in themselves.

I once made the mistake of telling my brother he was more like the mother he resents than he realized - I can see her in him so clearly - and he was so offended by this remark, he stopped speaking to me for weeks. In order to eliminate the drama and resume a normal relationship with him, I just ate crow and apologized for my remarks (true or not). Sometimes you DO just have to be the bigger person.

This is nothing like the OP's situation and I agree that she did the reasonable thing given those circumstances. I only mention my experience because family drama can occur in any family and under what are usually peaceful circumstances. We don't get to choose who we are related to, even though sometimes we would have liked to!! And families are important, so in my case I made the effort to keep the peace :-))

My Mother would say, "Just get over it" She really would on many things. Don't dwell on it or you will not move forward. Do what you think is right.

Sue