I am sorry. We are in a somewhat similar position in that we moved away as well. Though there isn't as much of a central location for all of our family and we both come from military families so there isn't a "home" for either of us really.

Anyway, some members of our families do not travel to see us. We have schleped small children through airports and used our vacation time and budget for years to see family at holidays. A few years ago I said enough. We still go to see them sometimes, but not always. Last year we even, gasp, traveled somewhere else for Christmas--for fun! I figure if they can't be bothered to come to us, I can't be bothered to feel obligated to go to them.

Same thing here, too, and it's only 6 miles. Not this year. I quit. And I'm fine with it. If they aren't, they know where I live.

It's never too late to change. Have your own joyful celebration. You are an adult and you're not required to be anywhere for the holidays. It's sad that your extended family can't make the effort to come your way now and then, but you can't control them.

How have you both dealt with the feeling that your own families don't care at all about you?

((((Sissy)))), I feel so sad that things have to be that way, and why some parents feel everyone needs to come to *them*. Our family didn't have this issue, but we did try to split up holidays evenly between my parents and the in-laws, who were in MN. I think if I were in your shoes, I would start planning holidays with your children and any friends who don't partake in family holidays. If you set a precident with your family by not allowing them to bully you, things may change forever so you need to be ready for that. If your kids are older, let them help with the planning of what could become a new adventure. Of course it will seem strange the first few times, but tell your kids to ask their friends what they might be doing. You may get quite a group together.

Thank you everybody. You all have good advice for me. I appreciate all of it.

I have invited everyone in the family to various gatherings at my house many times over the yrs. My family refuses to come to my house to visit for any reason.

Do they give a reason? It's hard to imagine them just saying no without an explanation.

I could see why they don't travel for holidays. They probably want to continue with tradition, and it's easier not to travel. It's selfishness though. They should come and visit to see your home decorated for the holidays. You could try not going but it can make for a lonely holiday.

I've lived on the west coast for 40 years and my family is on the east coast. I traveled every year until my mother died in 1998. I've been back three times since. Then I didn't go back for ten years because I hate flying. Finally my sisters came out here to visit and we had a blast. I guess that's what it took.

Only 40 yrs? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound sarcastic!

I'm so sorry you're hurting. I want you to know that you are lovable and you are loved. Try not to use the 90 min drive as a measure of their love for you. It isn't. Love can't be measured like that. It's simply a choice they've made for what works best for them. It's clear that they're not going to change, so the best thing for you to do is to let it go. All this attachment to their coming is only causing you more suffering. And that suffering isn't fair to you. You don't deserve it.

DH's family lives about 2 1/2 hrs away, and while he would like to entertain them for the holidays as in the old days, there are 2 of us and 15 of them so it just doesn't make sense for all of them to come here. Instead, what we did was rent a beach house on vacation that was close to where they are and invite them to the beach house. That seemed to work pretty well. Not that I'm suggesting you do this, only that we found our way to a compromise. Perhaps you can too.

Thanks so much. The beach house rental is a good suggestion. I'm glad it works for you. It wouldn't work for me though, because they never go on any vacations. I am lucky I know, I have a wonderful husband, great kids, and a terrific Daughter In Law. This yr, I think I'm going to concentrate on them, instead of stressing us all out, trying to get there to see people, who don't care anything at all about me and my family.

We offered to rent a house in Tahoe for my whole family for Christmas. Nope. They wouldn't come

It annoys me. It helps a bit that the family member, my brother, who won't travel to see me also doesn't travel otherwise for the most part. His family usually goes on vacatIon without him. So it doesn't feel totally personal. It also helps that my parents are absolutely willing to travel to see me (health issues have prevented that the past couple of years, but I know they very much want to travel to see me.). Nonetheless I do feel a bit hurt, as if I am not important enough to bother with and as if my efforts over the years somehow don't count enough to be worth reciprocating.

But, it's not my issue, it's his. And I have more or less come to terms with that. One sad piece of this is that when my parents die and I am no longer traveling to see them, I'm not sure I will see him much if at all. Right now, I go mostly because my parents are there, you know?

The other people who do not travel to see us are in dh's family. He doesn't care. So neither do I.

It's pretty horrible that they they never visit you.....ever. There is just no excuse for that. You've done more than enough for way longer than you probably should have. I would just politely say you are spending Christmas at home this year. Then say it every time for any holiday you wish.

We have lived away from family our whole adult lives. We would usually travel to relatives for TG, but I decided once we had kids we were staying put for Christmas to enjoy the day with our own family. My parents flew to spend a few Christmases with us which was fine...I was happy to have them. When my brother and his family moved an hour from us about 20 years ago we agreed to spend Christmas at home with our own families. No jumping up and pulling the kids away from their toys to go visit. Or spending the afternoon cooking and preparing for company. It's a relaxing day. I do an easy dinner. It became even more meaningful as they got older and were in college. It was the one day a year they were basically held captive at home the entire day. I loved it.

It's a bit different now. Oldest is married so we see them Christmas Eve only. Middle flies in so she's my only "prisoner" now. Youngest and GF spend Christmas Eve here then come back late Christmas morning for present opening/brunch. We hang out, watch movies, etc then have dinner. Another nice thing....we sleep in!

Stay home, enjoy the day with just your family and don't feel guilty or let them guilt you into visiting them. Honestly, they should be ashamed of themselves.

Are there reasons behind why they won't come to your home? Are they like crl's brother, in that they don't like to travel? To me , a 90 minute drive is doable, but it could be stressful with holiday traffic.

Do you enjoy yourself when you are there? How about your husband and children?

How would you feel celebrating with just your immediate family? Would anyone be disappointed, or would they be happy to stay home?

I am assuming that your relatives never visit, even for a BBQ in the summer. A non holiday?

I think it's time for you to celebrate in your own home. It doesn't have to be a now and forever decision. Do Christmas at home and see how it goes.

Thanks everyone! I appreciate all of the suggestions. Presently, I've decided that we are staying home this Christmas, not even visiting the day after. I'm tired of going through, and putting my own family through the hassle, when we get nothing in return. For now, I've decided that we are resting, and enjoying the day. That sounds and feels very pleasant to me, at this moment! I'm going to try to get over the anger and resentment that I feel, and enjoy the season with my own family!

I was once given advice on a possible way to get over resentments. I thought the advice was nuts, but I tried it and it worked for me. My attitude changed a lot.

Every day for the next few weeks or even twice daily - recite something like the following to yourself - make the words yours -

"I hope my extended family (and name specific names if needed) has a truly happy holiday season and they enjoy those they spend time with. I hope I am able to find joy and inner peace by spending time this holiday season with my immediate family and that we all truly enjoy our time together"

if you try this this I'd really be curious to hear back from you about how you feel at Christmas.

Thanks jmc101z5. I'll try that.

I live about an hour away from my parents. I know that they care for me, but they are averse to traveling and very comfortable in their own home. I know that 99 times out of 100, they would much prefer I travel to see them rather than come to see me. For now, as we don't have children, that is fine. In fact my husband and I often go split up and go to our separate families' homes for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. If we are ever successful in having children, that will change. I anticipate that at that point if we start staying home for holidays, we will see a lot more of the in laws than we do of my parents. I will have to accept that it doesn't mean my parents don't care for me, but they are just not inclined to change their ways.

This summer we had a family wedding out near my lake cottage. Despite the cottage being extremely comfortable and really A house, my parents still chose to stay in a hotel nearby. It hurt my feelings and maybe I should have told them that but we definitely don't talk that much about feelings in my family. I just reiterated that they were welcome to stay anytime. I should say that their given reasoning for staying in the hotel was that they were a little worried about their dog being destructive which is thoughtful but truly they just wanted to stay in separate quarters.

The same when my dad comes to my city for business, although we have a clean and comfortable king size guest bedroom he always chooses to stay in a hotel. Its funny how we all want different things though, because I know a lot of people who could only wish that their families would choose to stay in a hotel. Other than that we do all get along very well, if I ever do succeed in having children I hope I remember some of the difficulties I have relating to my parents as an adult and try to reach out a little more to my children.

It sounds like you make a lot of excuses for your parents. That's okay, but an hour in the car is no time at all. If that doesn't bother you that's great. I know that old people are really set in their ways, but, in my case, it hurts me that none of family, my parents included, make even the slightest effort to see me.

K Sissy, Gosh this story is mine only we live three hours away. After 15 years, three kids and no vacations we STOPPED. We would schelp "home" for every holiday. We used all DH's vacation as we needed days for travel. We would arrive to no other men. We would be told "they had to work". Ya don't think WE WORK, Ya don't think we used our vacations!! Mom/Dad have 12 grnd kids. They could not make it to my kid's star roles in musicals and plays but they managed to travel hours for the others ball games. As I said after 15 years we just stopped. We make it back more than once a year. At some point I realized my kids were growing fast, they would be gone soon and they need to know where their home is and have a reason to come to me for holidays. I think it was most telling that my "family" would not move their "Christmas" celebration even a day to accommodate our need to be in our own home Christmas morning. They all live with in a mile of each other, but I am the one expected to make all the concessions. They come with in an hour of here as they travel to other relatives, games, entertainment and cannot find it in them to swoop down and share a bit of their time with us. I think the thing that HURTS most is when I told them the rejection I feel by their lack of coming here..I was told I need to get past it. No apology. No "Oh we didn't know, that is not what we mean"; nope just very self-righteous "get over it". I did. I got over THEM!

Wow arcy_gw, that sounds just like my life over the past 34 yrs. This year it is going to be different. I think my family needs a break, and we are staying home. This I know....I will always see my children, no matter where they or I live. I am grateful to have a wonderful husband and children, so many people don't have that in their lives. Thank you everybody for your kind words, and thoughtful ideas.

That's the idea. It is way past time to create traditions of your own with your children and husband. You will be surprised how lovely it will be!

Thank you. I'm looking forward to it!

Thank you so much. I will definitely listen to that. I appreciate your suggestions.

In the past did you enjoy the time spent with your family when you did travel to see them?

Have you asked your family members why they don't accept your invitations?

Have you tried inviting them to visit when it's not a major holiday?

Edited to say: sorry, I retread your original post and it looks like you have invited them at other times during the year.

I would not write off those that I love simply because they wouldn't make the trip to my house. If something else is going on, that's another story.

Good luck, I hope you find Peace in whatever you decide to do.

ML

I've been thinking the same thing, Annie, although you've said it so eloquently that all I can add is, "Yes, absolutely! " K Sissy, for your sake and for your own immediate family's, you need to make peace with your decision to stay home and create your own family celebration. And then, move on. Don't comment on it or bring it up for discussion, especially on Christmas. Not out loud to family . . . and not in your head with yourself either (LOL)! I wish you and yours a very happy Christmas.

I would say for myself it's not so much excuses as "that's the way they are." I can like it or lump it but I won't change them. If it was a hardship for me to go visit them I wouldn't go, but it's fine so I do.

Sorry to hijack here a bit....

Robo.....I totally get your parents' desire to stay in a hotel. I am the same way, especially as I get older. I want my privacy. It's no reflection on the host or the house. For one, I snore and so does DH and we don't want to keep anyone up, especially if the rooms are close together. Secondly, I have insomnia most nights and probably would not feel comfortable wandering around someone's house or risk waking them up. I feel more in control of my day/time if I have my own space and I don't feel like I am intruding or imposing. Your parents may have similar feelings or reasons so try not to take it personally.

K Sissy....so glad you decided to enjoy the holiday at hone with your family. Do not feel guilty or apologize to your family. I hope this puts you in a new path.

Annie said it all and I totally agree. It probably hasn't even occurred to them that you're upset. You can't take it personally as they would do it to any of their children who lived far away, that's the way it is. My in-laws were old school Italians and we had to go to their house every Sunday and all holidays. I made an early on decision that I could live with that as he was their only son. I don't regret it although it was hard. They're gone now and my offspring talk lovingly of those days which pleases me. I try very hard to avoid resentment, not always easy, and I always succeed. You can too. Good luck and merry Christmas.

Start a Christmas tradition with your kids that you will continue to do thru the years. Maybe it can be baking Christmas cookies or Gingerbread on Christmas Eve. Have a fire in the fireplace and enjoy your evening together knowing it's a new beginning for your family.

Here's a suggestion. Maybe you are way overthinking this by deducing that your family doesn't care for you because they won't come to your house. That may not be it at all.

Old traditions are very hard to break. If your family always stays home for the holidays, and you always go to see them there, it's working for them just fine. As someone else said, they may have no idea that you think they don't like you because they won't come to your house. Tell them.

Thanks so much everybody. We are staying home this yr. I am not going to make a big thing out of it. When my mother asks me if we're coming, I'm going to say no and go on. As for my parents having Christmas at their house as a tradition, that's not it. We normally go to my sister's house. This is because my mother wants it to be as easy as possible for her, and she doesn't have to do anything if at my sister's house. I'm going to try to get over the hurt and resentment that I feel about it and go on. If I were to mention it to them, it would cause a big uproar, and my brother and sister already think that I don't do enough for my parents , who are totally self sufficient and can still get around just fine. I can't talk about things with my parents or siblings because I can't be honest with them because they would hold that against me, so things are better left unsaid. I am looking forward to staying home, and I am going to try my best to not feel guilty or bad about it, as my mother will try to make me feel.

I would be tempted to feign an illness for one of your kids just so you don't cause any family drama.

K sissy - ".....I can't be honest with them because they would hold that against me, so things are better left unsaid." And isn't that just sad, but it's the same in my family as well and I wonder how many others.

I think it's like this in a lot of other families. I don't know about everyone else but I think that it's sad that these are the feelings of so many people when the holidays are supposed to be a time of joy and happiness. But for so many of us, the holidays mean being around those family members that we love, but that doesn't bring us the comfort that it should, it only brings us stress and unhappiness,, usually because of past events that we should have come to terms with but haven't. That's not what the holidays are about, but these familial relationships are difficult at best.

...my brother and sister already think that I don't do enough for my parents...

Ah, the issue of proximity. Perhaps your family has never forgiven you for moving away...not that there's anything wrong in that, but that for people who harbor expectations that you are supposed to stay near, can also harbor resentment that you left. If so, more than likely these feelings are unexplored and unrecognized but continue to sit there and fester. (My FIL made DH's life miserable our first year of marriage because we bought a house and moved 10 min away rather than live in the house with them as he expected.)

I had a friend whose siblings were on the west coast and he was here on the east coast taking care of his parents. Even before his parents were infirmed, it took a lot of time and effort, and after it was an incredible burden. And, of course, their idea of helping him was phone calls with, "You should do this..." and "Why haven't you done that..." and "I told you that wasn't going to help..." It did build up a lot of resentment which took years to dissipate.

(Of course, proximity could have nothing to do with as in my case where DH and I spent years caring for my parents to the very end, but my brother, who lived 20 min away, wouldn't come to help ever...his wife did, but he wouldn't. But that's a whole 'nother story.)

I'm not suggesting this is your situation...I don't know your situation. I'm not suggesting you are in the wrong, or they are in the wrong. No judgment here. Only suggesting that one of the ways to help dissipate negative feelings is to change your perspective. Try to look at it from their point of view, or from a larger point of view. Often we get too narrowly focused on specific issues, when, by reframing the issue and reframing our perspective on the issue, we can gain new insights that help alleviate the negative emotions. And this is all about helping you alleviate your suffering.

I'm telling you, family is never easy. I think the truly dysfunctional family must be a functional one, as I have yet to meet anyone who hasn't had issues with their family. But then again, not having one, like me, isn't easy either.

When my mother asks me if we're coming, I'm going to say no and go on.

Obviously, I don't know your family but I find it hard to believe they will just accept a "no" and won't ask more questions and/or try to guilt you into maintaining the stats quo. If you're been participating for 34 years, do you really think they'll just accept a no this year?

You need to have a calm, firm, honest answer ready, one that you may have to repeat multiple times to multiple family members. I wouldn't mention 34 years of one-way travel. Something like we've decided to have a simple holiday at home this year.

You are clearly tired of making the trip but is everyone else in your immediate family also ready to opt out? If you haven't discussed it with them, you should make sure you are all in agreement before you talk to your parents. If some of them are willing to make the trip, will they go with your blessing? Will you still stay home? These are things that should be considered.

I hope you have many, many future years of holiday celebrations that bring you joy and peace.

AnnieD wrote: ." I think the truly dysfunctional family must be a functional one, as I have yet to meet anyone who hasn't had issues with their family."

This statement makes me sad. And shows how lucky my family must be.

I am one of 7 kids, raised in a middle class home, siblings went out on their own when they reached adulthood, not all gathered together for every holiday, never made to feel guilty about not being closer, came together when our parents were aging (some helped from far away others more hands on), again with no feelings of resentment or guilt, divided the estate equally, still love one another and have fun when we all are together.

I can only thank my parents for raising us in such a way that little irritants never became a big deal.

You're very lucky maddielee!

to me, 90 minutes is so close to live that I would pretty much feel like I was local to them!! so, yes, I would be terribly hurt if I was the only one traveling!! but, after so many years of doing it, it probably has become the family expectation and norm!

if I had invited them regularly over the years and they refused even tho they knew I was hurt, I am sure I would have stopped regular visits years ago. do you invite in such a way that it makes it easy for others to dismiss the invitation?? i just can't fathom the idea that an hour and 1/2 is too far for anyone in this day and age!!

I think it's time to be honest about your feelings!! practice saying what you want to say before the phone call- write it down if you need to! (what you mean when you say they'll hold being honest about your feelings against you...??)

Parents raising children a certain way can only go so far when it comes to those children becoming adults and making their own choices though. I'm thinking of my extended family, and how two people raised in the same loving, secure, and disciplined household can grow up to become vastly different people. One still longs for the familial closeness, while the other has been persuaded by outsiders to pull away from the family and completely disengage. It's sad, but I would venture to say that most families have at least some measure of dysfunction. If not in the immediate family, certainly in the extended.

Ho ho ho, right? ;-)

I grew up in a family where Sundays after church we would go visit relatives and have dinner or relatives would come to our house. I'm talking from the same town to as far away as and hour and a half. So holidays were pretty much the same. We would also travel from MD to W VA or Ohio to visit my mother's family over Christmas or during the summer. That was our norm.

My husband's family situation was different and he became very independent at an early age. When we married, we moved away after college as hubs was in the military and we lived over a 1,000 miles away. We traveled home for Christmas most years as my parents were not able to travel. When we returned home to the same state but not same town, we still did the traveling.

Now we live in the same town as our only child. Because of religious differences, holidays are difficult. We do get together but its not the same family feeling I had growing up and no one understands that but me. No one cares if we have a tree or decorations, its a burden for them to go shopping for one or two gifts. Work schedules complicate matters but I don't think we would spend any more time together, if we could arrange it. Most holidays, even non religious ones are about the same.

I wish I had a family I could go visit. I wish I could feel comfortable listening to Christmas CD's with family around or watching Christmas programs. I know I can't have my "old fashioned Christmas back" but the newer version isn't working for me.

Mboston, it doesn't sound like holidays per se are the problem.

I want to wrap each one up in a big hug. I wonder where the idea that the holidays are so warm, fuzzy and familial came from!? All I can offer in this year of Mercy is we need to forgive and choose to love. That does not mean we need to stand in line, once again for pain..but we do need to accept that they are not able to meet our needs and move forward creating the Christmas we want, with our present family. We can do it!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

I feel sorry for the OP and the situation and how it has affected her over the years. It is just so hard to understand why not one person in her family has ever visited her house in 34 years, and she has no clue as to why. I feel like there is some part of this puzzle that we don't have.

I appreciate everyone's tips and support. It has been difficult for me and my husband to understand why my family has treated me like this. I haven't raised the issue with my brother, sister, or my parents because I think that any discussion that I have with my brother or sister goes immediately to my parents, and it is always presented as being my fault, and I can't be there to represent myself. While it hurts me that especially my parents don't visit us, I don't want them upset, and I don't want to be seen as the troublemaker, so I just don't say much of anything to any of them. Yes, there is a long history of hard times with my family, and if I expressed how I felt about things it would also stress me out.... and I don't want that for my own self and my husband and children during Christmas, or any other time, so I just have tolerated things. Sad though I know.