My husband is on disability but we don't qualify for any other assistance because I work full time and my income exceeds (barely) the state limits. We are applying anyway just to see what happens. My dad is not disabled or over 65. So he won't qualify either but we are going to try anyhow. As soon as he recovers from surgery hopefully he will be able to find a job and stay sober. It is just really stressful not being able to afford your bills, food, and etc... Today I had a mental breakdown in the dentist office because my dentist told me that I had to have another crown. My tooth broke a couple weeks ago. My dentist is wonderful he just merely acted like it was perfectly normal for a grown woman to be crying in the dentist chair. I have gone over and over the state funded assistance programs and according to them my husband, myself and my dad don't qualify for anything. Basically if I was to end up pregnant then we could qualify. Yes Chris and I want to be pregnant and soon but I feel guilty. This has been a rough week. We just can not seem to get our head above water. It is one thing after another after another. I have insurance for my husband and myself but it only covers so much and we are left with the copays and deductibles. I just feel we are sinking into more and more debt. My husband and I both have ruined our credit when we were younger and had finally gotten to where we were able to pay on past bills and now we arent able to right now. It is just depressing that on the day you get paid you are broke basically. I work as a technician at a pharmacy and we basically had to decide whether to eat for the next two weeks or buy medicine. We are blessed with great family and friends. And someone who knows us paid for the medicine (they wont tell me who). I just feel like we should be able to do this on our own and when we cant it makes things more depressing. Don't worry I am not suicidal or anything I know this sounds depressing. I am just worried how we will make ends meet, how my dad is going to recover, and hoping against hope that the double lung transplant is a success. thanks everyone for listening. Christina

I have experienced some of this with my middle child. Your case has similarities, but somehow we skirted the nearly complete mess you have. First of all, he is depressed. That may need treatment from experts and possibly some medication. Second, he is very shy. That may mean he likes the cocoon of same old, same old routine and surroundings and being in a band where he feels he "belongs" has "friends" in his fellow musicians and some band followers providing him his only social security. Third, he evaluates and analyzes life from an EMOTIONAL standpoint, not a logical one. Fourth, change is scarey, especially to him. I like the old quote, "Change is an ocean voyage, in a leaky boat with a mutinous crew." Also, he is terribly afraid and so avoids change. He has no training to do anything, so options aren't really open to him. Fifth, he has not hit his rock bottom, so he sees no need to change what he is doing. He does not get that if you keep doing what you have always done you will have the outcome you always have had. Everyone has their own rock bottom when they finally realize they must change, that this is not working for them. You are an enabler, and I fully appreciate your concerns as a parent. But you are holding him just above that rock bottom, so he will not experience the desperation to motivate him to make changes. That said, maybe I should tell you something of our experiences. Our son was the cool dude, surfer, liked break dancing as a kid. He is bright but did not believe he was, and finally he discovered the guitar, my idea to talk him into it and give him lessons. I could shoot myself. He did not want to go to college. He informed us that he wanted to go only to the Guitar College of America, where his teacher had gone. We insisted he pick an area of interest, pick a college, and earn a bachelor's degree. His music and surf friends were underachievers and without goals for the most part other than to become millionairs by surfing or strumming. A couple came from familys with a successful business that the kid would inherit, but would have to learn by working in it first. No goals. He headed off to our community college, graduated with honors, with the idea of getting into film school (we live in southern California). He graduated from the university magna cum laude, and during these college years became quite shy but very nice too. The girlfriend got him interested in reading, and now he devours books. He is now in the film business of assistant editing tv commercials. He continues to have a band, is the main motivator of the other members, and dreams of being successful musically. It has never happened. Now he finally is dating a delightful girl, invests and saves from his paychecks while living modestly, is a wonderful son, has a delightful sense of humor, and has earned our respect. One area we had suggested to both of our sons who are interested in music was to get a business degree and work in the business end of music. There is a real need for talent there, but neither wanted to do it. But maybe that kind of thinking may help your son. He cannot drift professionally or socially. And by the way, living at home really limits their social contacts. Home is a good alternative when things are tough, but the sooner they can manage on their own, the happier they will be. If you could get him the diagnosis and treatment he needs, support him while he earns a degree, then he may well fly the nest quite successfully--for him. Lastly, creative kids really do march to their own drummer. As a non-creative parent and one who operates from a logical basis only, unlike her sons, I struggled with this. I hope the family analysis helps. Don't give up. There has to be an answer. And tell your son that it takes courage to face the world, to make changes, to leave the comfortable circle of what he has always done, but you are proud of him and you are here to help him do so. Let us know how you are progressing.

My thanks to Elly for your compassion and the realization that most everyone on this post has been less than helpful and more judgemental. To the naysayers: this is obviously a very difficult situation for me. My plans fell through and this is NOT my ideal outcome but I am making do with the resources I have available to me. I was hoping this site would be able to offer some advice (and don't get me wrong, many of you have and I appreciate it), but telling me to get rid of my cats and snide remarks such as "Who would want to care for and get attached to someone else's cats and then hand them over when you return?" are completely unnecessary. It is very easy to sit and judge from behind a computer screen. Maybe think about the situation before posting responses. That being said an old friend has kindly offered to take them in after I told everyone and anyone I know that I was looking for a foster home (BOARDER home for those of you who will correct me). Believe it or not some people are just compassionate and love animals and are willing to help out a friend. I'm very happy with this outcome, even happier than the original plan, so everything has worked itself out nicely. As I said before, to those who gave me sound advice I TRULY do appreciate it. This forum has provided a wealth of information and advice to me in the past and I refuse to let a few negative people ruin that. (And FYI I have seen this in other threads, not just this one and often by the same posters.) Thanks again!

I had three foster kids, two boys and one girl. The boys came to me at fifteen, the girl was fourteen. Foster kids, like any other kids, have their own set of problems. Some of those problems are more severe than others. I never had more than one of them at a time actually living in the house; the first boy went to college before I got the girl, so he was only home in summers. The second boy came when the girl started college. They are all adults now, and on their own, and they are still part of my family, close to husband and myself, close to my bio children, my step children and each other. All of them are going to be productive adults, although I still worry about the second boy. He has a lot to overcome, but at least he is still on the right road. Part of whether or not the child will do well is the reason they are in foster care. Of the three I had, the second boy was the most challenge. A big part of being a foster parent is to give up your expectations that these kids will simply fall into line and behave like your bio kids, just because you show them love and affection and structure. Its just not that easy. Kids are in foster care either because they have had totally detached parents who ignore the children, allow them to do totally as they please, and refuse to put their own desires aside to care for the kids, OR, kids become foster kids because the parents are angry abusive people who blame the kid for their own woes, expect behaviour from the kids that is far above their age level, or take out their own rage and frustration on the children. If you decide to foster younger children, you must realize that at any time,t hose kids may be given back to their real parents, or taken to a new home. You have to assess whether or not you can continue to "care" when you know they could be gone at any time. You also have to think on wether it is fair for your other children to have a new person in the house whom they may become attached to, who then could leave. Finally, you have to ask yourself if you are patient and flexible enough to let these kids find their own path, Are you capable of taking lots of time to change patterns that have been there for years, and are you capable of not blaming the child, and reacting badly when it doesnt go as smoothly as your wish would be. Only you can answer that. Punishment doesnt work well with these kids, the only thing that helps is positive role models, and praise, lots and lots of praise, over a long period of time. Its not easy. For myself, I would never take a younger foster child. I take teens, and will do so again most likely. But I am wary about the circumstances surrounding the need for a foster home, and I am a super flexible person who doesnt mind when kids take the long road to get to the goal, or when a kid doesnt do it my way. Not everyone is like that. All of our children, bio, step, and foster,c all us "the fairly odd parents" Hard questions for yourself. A puppy may be a better choice if you need to nuture. How about being a rescue animal person?