I am about to start the gaurdian ad litem program here... which is basically being an advocate and representative for the child only... I have to investigate the home parent children well everything with regards to the child. The head of gaurdian ad litem said I could take my kids with me to meet with my gaurdian kids... and after long thought (Because I will mostly be dealing with kids that have suffered severe abuse or neglect) I decided that I would do that after I have made the initial meetings to make sure all is safe. I think it is important and really rather profound to experiance something like that at their age... know that not everyone is as lucky as they are and that it is important to help others. I know that this is a little different than your deal but nonetheless I think the same lessons would apply.

if I remember correctly Kathline has experiance with foster children in combo with her bio and step children if I am remembering correctly

I have been the teacher to many foster children. Most of them have deep rooted problems that you may not be ready to deal with. Most of them have been in counseling and have many difficulties at home. Out of all the foster parents I have met with most of them have had a hard time dealing with the problems that have come with their foster children. Some have had the patience to help the children and some are overwhelmed. The older the child when entering foster care the more severe I have seen their problems be. The younger the child the easier the problems may be to deal with. When I worked with some foster children who were between toddler and about 5 years old the troubles they were experiencing were a lot easier for a foster parent to deal with than when I worked with foster kids that were in the pre-teen to teen years.

Since you have kids at home I would definately consider helping with younger foster children. Not to scare you, but with older foster kids I have heard horror stories of them hurting younger children, abusing the younger children, and/or teaching them some pretty bad behaviors.

I am not saying this is true of all foster children, but since you do have your own children in the house you do need to think about it.

I hope that this post does not seem cold, but this is stuff that my dh and I have recently discussed when I thought of becoming a foster parent. We decided that for us it would not be best, but I am in no way saying you should not do it.

Misti, what I am going to say I say with nothing but your best interest at heart. Are you sure you are ready to take something like that on? Foster kids can come and go in your life with little to no warning . . . are you sure you are ready to form an attachment with a child that may then leave unexpectedly? I can tell you have so much love in your heart to give, but can your heart take that again?

(((Hug)))

Hi Misti, I had two foster daughters, sisters,that were 12 and 14 when I got them..They had a tough, really horrible life, and I thought I could help them My son was 12 when they arrived, and he had a difficult time with them..They were withdrawn, disobedient and very nasty to him, even tho he tried to be nice to them...One night he called me in his room, closed the door and said mom, our lives are horrible, and that much was true..I was wracked with guilt,(they had been with us almost 2 years(and in counseling the whole time)The oldest finally ran away, and the state would not allow her to come back home, even tho she wanted too..So both left...Oldest has stayed in touch, got a college degree!!!!Now has a child out of wedlock, and her life is tough now again.We went out to breakfast last Sunday, younger sister will come for holiday dinner if I invite her, but she does not stay in touch like older sister..She does appreciate now what I tried to do sigh, wish it could have turned out better...But Misti, I dont think you d be ready right now, but if you feel you are the younger age the child the better....I was told by our caseworker that anything can happen with angry adolescents(including false abuse allegations and if you have BIO children in the house, State will take all children to foster care!!! That was the bucket of cold water in my face that I needed..My son(he s adopted, but I consider him totally BIO, got him at 6 days old...needed me too...Wouldnt chance him being taken from me for any reason...So I tried, and maybe had some degree of sucess with older sister, she turned out to be a nice girl, worked to get her degree all on her own, refused all financial help, and she still wants to see me... So I would be so careful,maybe you ll be ready later....It can be so tough.....

Ugh! You ladies are probably right. It sounds weird but I feel like if I do good things, especially helping children,......can't finish.
Well it sounds too unbelievable to write. I believe in Heaven, but want all the good moms up there to give Brittani extra hugs. So if I can help children here that would help Brittani there. I'm not crazy, and I know that sounds crazy.
It does sound, at this point, I might be biting off more than I could chew. I didn't take all those experiences into consideration.
Why is it if DH says it, I blow him off, but people I have never met can say it, & it makes more sense?

My auntB was a foster mother for decades and had hundreds of foster children. She adopted a few of them. While most of the kids she had over the years were good kids, one was a molest victim that molested others. One had an eating disorder and tried to commit suicide on a holiday get together.

If you have the desire, volunteer to lead girl/boy scouts (they always seem to be looking for good leaders), be a big sister (when my kids were growing up, they had a one year wait list to get a big brother), look into other organizations that help kids. CASA is a good one too. There are lots of ways to help.... even volunteering at the school to be a yard duty or lunch lady.

Brittani will be proud of anything you do. and I said a little prayer to my AuntM. She passed away on Father's Day last year from Cancer. She was an awesome mother & grandmother (and Aunt). I know if she heard me, she'll watch over Brittani.

Misti, I almost felt I could read your mind when you first posted...No explanation neccessary for your thoughts..I totally got where you were going with trying to help others...Too tough on you to foster right now I think, but you dont realize, you ARE helping people right here, right now, I m sure of it...When I read your posts, I wish I was as brave as you , as thoughtful of others feelings..I feel your are making people think about appeciating what they have, to be grateful for the time they have , with their families....I know you have helped me remember to not sweat the small stuff and not to take anything for granted, that life is short and precious sometimes.....So you DO help,.... from one that Thanks you and wishes you a Happy Valentines Day XXXOOO Dotz

I had three foster kids, two boys and one girl. The boys came to me at fifteen, the girl was fourteen. Foster kids, like any other kids, have their own set of problems. Some of those problems are more severe than others. I never had more than one of them at a time actually living in the house; the first boy went to college before I got the girl, so he was only home in summers. The second boy came when the girl started college. They are all adults now, and on their own, and they are still part of my family, close to husband and myself, close to my bio children, my step children and each other. All of them are going to be productive adults, although I still worry about the second boy. He has a lot to overcome, but at least he is still on the right road.

Part of whether or not the child will do well is the reason they are in foster care. Of the three I had, the second boy was the most challenge. A big part of being a foster parent is to give up your expectations that these kids will simply fall into line and behave like your bio kids, just because you show them love and affection and structure. Its just not that easy.

Kids are in foster care either because they have had totally detached parents who ignore the children, allow them to do totally as they please, and refuse to put their own desires aside to care for the kids, OR, kids become foster kids because the parents are angry abusive people who blame the kid for their own woes, expect behaviour from the kids that is far above their age level, or take out their own rage and frustration on the children.

If you decide to foster younger children, you must realize that at any time,t hose kids may be given back to their real parents, or taken to a new home. You have to assess whether or not you can continue to "care" when you know they could be gone at any time. You also have to think on wether it is fair for your other children to have a new person in the house whom they may become attached to, who then could leave. Finally, you have to ask yourself if you are patient and flexible enough to let these kids find their own path, Are you capable of taking lots of time to change patterns that have been there for years, and are you capable of not blaming the child, and reacting badly when it doesnt go as smoothly as your wish would be. Only you can answer that. Punishment doesnt work well with these kids, the only thing that helps is positive role models, and praise, lots and lots of praise, over a long period of time. Its not easy.

For myself, I would never take a younger foster child. I take teens, and will do so again most likely. But I am wary about the circumstances surrounding the need for a foster home, and I am a super flexible person who doesnt mind when kids take the long road to get to the goal, or when a kid doesnt do it my way. Not everyone is like that. All of our children, bio, step, and foster,c all us "the fairly odd parents"

Hard questions for yourself. A puppy may be a better choice if you need to nuture. How about being a rescue animal person?