I am definately waiting to hear the wisdom from others on this! My 2 cents: Donate. It is very unlikely that she would ask to see it. If this is the case, I would try to explain that giving it away to a worthy cause is a gain for everyone, or maybe even go deeper into your feelings and her feelings if you think it would be of benefit.

Sounds like little girl issues. Keep the quilt. This relative put a lot of time and energy into it, the least you can do is keep it. Maybe it's not exactly what you wanted 30 some years ago but perhaps in the next 30 years it will be. Remember, she didn't have to finish the quilt for you but she did. Someday you will have memories of receiving it and that you almost gave it away.

If you want more opinions on this, post it over on the Kitchen Table forum, which gets a lot of traffic.

Thank you all for the feedback- it's very much appreciated :)

I was thinking about it more over the weekend-- I realize that I had given up on ever receiving the quilt early in my teen years, and honestly hadn't thought about it until it turned up a few years ago at Christmas. When I received it, I was gracious, but it felt a little like being given a ghost. No idea why she decided to finish it, and it doesn't matter much to me, but I do think she did it for herself more than for me.

Talley_Sue, you are very insightful. My problem isn't the quilt (which I think I feel little about), it's about the relationship I have with this relative, who essentially plays games and makes me uncomfortable putting me on the spot. We don't have much of a relationship these days because she's very hard to get along with. So many moments with her feel very much like being on a witness stand...

Like all things though, the proof will be when I pull it back out and hold it- what will I feel? Since I'm ready to let go of the guilt that came with it, it should make it easier to feel objectively. A few months back I had DH put a box of blankets in the crawlspace (that one included), so I can't get my hands on it just this minute, but probably after we have another thrift store pick up next week I'll see if he'll go get it for me.

Thanks again for helping me put my guilt and feelings in perspective.

"it's about the relationship I have with this relative, who essentially plays games and makes me uncomfortable putting me on the spot. We don't have much of a relationship these days because she's very hard to get along with. So many moments with her feel very much like being on a witness stand..."

I can't tell you how important it is to get that quilt out of your house.

I call this the "Stop Me Before I Kill Again" theory of decluttering. It's doing evil things in your house. If you aren't going to use capital punishment (put it in the landfill!), then you need to rehabilitate it by sending it on somewhere that it will be able to do good instead of evil.

I would suggest that before you donate it, you spread it out on a bed, take a photo (could be useful if the relative inquires about it) and have a brief letting-go ceremony to allow yourself to come to terms and Acceptance over the entire situation; emotions from not getting it as promised, to the displeasure of finally receiving the disappointing version of it unexpectedly years later with the likely motivation a benefit to the giver, not yourself. Breathe deeply, forgive the relative, and let it go into the Universe without another binding thought. (thought which binds you to it).

"Keep the quilt. This relative put a lot of time and energy into it, the least you can do is keep it."

This is such a guilt trip! Totally unfair. Quasifish didn't ask for that time and energy, and she is not required to completely abandon her own likes and preferences, and her own emotions, in order to fulfill someone else's fantasy.

I can't tell you how thoroughly I reject this entire sentiment.

I also reject the idea that it's immature to have the reaction quasifish is having. I think she's pretty mature to recognize it and to try to eliminate that negative emotion from her home.

And this?

"Someday you will have memories of receiving it and that you almost gave it away."

If quasifish gives it away (and if she does -not- take a picture of it], she will probably end up with -no- memories of that quilt--which would probably be a good thing. Because every memory of it is completely tinged by guilt, and even a little bit by resentment. And so that relationship with the person will never be free of it.
However, if she gives it away, then pretty soon she'll forget about that quilt completely, and she'll -also- forget about the guilt and resentment. Having the photograph around, or the quilt itself, will simply guarantee a jolt of that negative emotion whenever she runs across them.
Giving it away will let the memory, and the strong emotions, fade into a barely remembered story. And that will actually make the relationship with the person more pleasant--and stronger.

I know whereof I speak; I have been there.

Talley, I agree that getting rid of the item MAY in itself get rid of the guilt. But people can hold onto guilt for years without any solid reminders, which the purpose of the letting go ceremony may address. It can be a purposeful, plan-ful method of letting go and releasing, rather than a guilty toss into the trash or donation bin. If effective, the photo won't elicit guilt if it has been let go, which can be much healthier. The idea of a photo is not not needed for that, however, I was suggesting a photo to cover the OP's concerns should the relative ever visit and ask about the quilt. She could reply that she is not using it, but has a picture to show it in the guest/master/kid's bedroom. I would say, the OP should do whatever works for her. I agree absolutely that it needs to go.

I do very much like your "letting-go ceremony," actually. Sorry I didn't say that!

I just wanted to put something out there that would counter the pressure to "grow up" and also to "keep it because someone else gave it to you." I think that's such a harmful approach.

I have discarded things that people gave me, and have done so specifically because every time I saw them, I thought of that relative or friend with negative emotions surrounding it. I actually felt my relationship with them grow closer (or, if not closer, at least less fraught) as a result. It had an immediate effect.

I worked in retail fabric business for many years. I met many women some strong, some dealing with life's blows. One lady, so very talented and funny, just the kind of person everyone sort of gravitates to, was talking to a class. The topic came up of holding on to, In this case a garment that had been a gift. After all the back and forth, she asked. "Are you the same person now as then"?

After that the conflicted lady was able to see a little more clearly. She went home and collected the item plus many more and donated them. She told me later she had no idea why she kept it because there were so many negative associations.

Another way to look at it, does this guilt quilt make you happy? Does it bring joy to your life?

You can always take a picture, put the item in a bag in an area where you are storing other things to donate and then mark your calendar for the day of donation. When that day comes, decide what you are comfortable with and take appropriate action.

If "it" doesn't work anymore for you, it's time to make a decision. Don't get stuck!

Have a good day!

Thank you, everyone. I appreciate all the different ideas and insight.

My family is rather toxic and because of that, I am no longer very close to any of them- the quilt relative included. There's a lot of sadness in having to come to terms with that, but also relief. 2013-2014 were humdingers where my family was concerned- breaking points in many ways. I mention this because it's partly the catalyst that's driving my decluttering rash in 2015. In my effort to reorganize my life, I am both physically and psychologically reorganizing. It's interesting as I go to see how "stuff" plays a role in that- the weight an object can carry in your life.

My family issues are nothing new though (just much worse as of late), I'd like to think that I'm long past the point of seeming rash-- as though I'm ditching the quilt in some way to punish the relative who gave it. The truth is that it's just time for me to focus on a more positive environment, and some things have to go because of that. The quilt is a particularly tough one. Grandma's cookie jar I can rebuy on ebay, but this particular one-of-a-kind quilt, not so much.

Talley-Sue, I love "Stop me before I can kill again", lol. I'm probably going to find myself saying that out loud at times. And I can't tell you how much I appreciate all the thoughts and support.

gramarows- great ideas. I love the idea of sending it off with positive thoughts, and the picture idea is a good one that I'll have to think about.

meyerk9, you sound like maybe you have been reading Marie Kondo's book too? The advice about questioning if something gives me joy has been at the forefront of my thinning practices- it's amazing to really focus in on what we love, versus what we keep for some other reason.

I'll let you all know how I feel and what happens when I do get the box out- hopefully before too long.

Thank you all again!!

You sound like you are on a healing path. Keep moving forward!!!

"Grandma's cookie jar I can rebuy on ebay, but this particular one-of-a-kind quilt, not so much."

But you don't like it! Why would you want to rebuy it, right?

I'm sending waves of support to you on the journey of crafting your surroundings and possessions to keep you strong.

Do update us. I have money on the idea that you actually are able to think less negatively about Grandma once that quilt goes away. it may not happen immediately, but I believe it will. Not that all will be mended. But that "intermittent feeding of the negative" that this quilt does will end. And (like the villi in the stomach of a celiac sprue patient) healing can begin.

[https://www.houzz.com/magazine/can-tidying-up-result-in-life-changing-magic-stsetivw-vs~46893825[(https://www.houzz.com/magazine/can-tidying-up-result-in-life-changing-magic-stsetivw-vs~46893825)

Marie Kondo reference.

This Marie Kondo thing is nice for many people as I see, but from all the articles I have read about it, it seems everything has been said before. I'm on this forum 15 years or so and I think we have discussed all these things at one time or another. I don't know what this hype is all about. For me organizing is a process of finding and fine-tuning what works best for you with constant purging as the base and a mindset of simplifying by saying "no" even to the good and saving your "yes" for the best, that is what is truly meaningful and purposeful for you...

You know, Talley_Sue, it's so odd that I have trouble parting with things because you are right in that I wouldn't want them back. Maybe it's part of that whole grief/acceptance thing that I come to realize these people will never change and there will never be a time when we get together and enjoy each others company.

mvastian, the Marie Kondo book was interesting for me. I started reading it and thought "yeah right, like I'm going to do this." But for me there was something about the order of the articles in the book that sort of made things click. Maybe it's just the right time in my life to embrace the type of mass decluttering that she instructs. I can't seem to do the full sweep through that she preaches, but after reading her book, I'm able to sort my feelings to a greater extent and find myself parting with things I never thought I would-- and feeling good about it.

mvastian, I think the Marie Kondo thing may simply be that she's found a way to say these things that gets through to people. Julie Morgenstern did it years ago. Don Aslett. Peter Walsh.

Many self-help books basically teach the same stuff. But a fresh look, a fresh way of talking about it--often those cut through and get people started.

https://www.goodreads.com/shelf/show/decluttering

I would get rid of the quilt if you think it will help you feel better... slash it to pieces if it helps! but, I wouldn't lie to her about it if she were to ask about it... lying will just perpetuate the guilt/hurt... just be honest- honesty really can help with healing hurt...

I don't think you need to tell the whole truth. I think you tell the truth if it helps you.

I'd like to consider myself an honest person, but I do have trouble telling someone the truth if it's going to hurt their feelings, but not lead to anything productive. If it came to pass, this relative would grab that hurt and hold on forever- not very healing. I guess she likes to be a victim, the more I think about it.

I'm not a good liar either, so I've got to find those shades of truth too. The "Oh, I don't know where it is at the moment." Well, it's not a lie...

I'm a little late to the party here but I'd just like to add something. Whenever someone is given a gift, it now belongs to them to do whatever they want with. That quilt is your property and you can donate it to a thrift store, or pass it along to a friend or shelter. Stop struggling with this and allow someone else to use and enjoy it. These situations can be tough, I know. Good luck quasifish.

Well, an update... sort of...

The box of blankets is down and I finally opened it this morning. There are 5 in the box and one of them was a "surprise" as I'd forgotten about it-- another conundrum item.

There is one quilt in the box I will for sure keep. Two that will go without question. The guilt-quilt, which is prettier than I remember, but still makes me sad to look at. I don't think I could ever enjoy having it in the house.

Anyway, the last item, the thing I had forgotten about, was an afghan that DH's grandmother had had a friend make for us shortly after we were married. It was the most thoughtful of gestures, but the colors/yarn aren't good feeling, and most notably, it is the most peculiar shape. The pattern is one which is suppose to be regularly increased on one side and decreased on the other, so that it ends up being the same number of stitches per row all along the length, but the lady who crocheted it only decreased for the first half of the afghan, and still increased for the second half- if you can picture that in your head. It's not very usable, and nobody has ever used it, except a couple of cats when they were convalescing.

A year ago, I folded it and put it into a thrift store bag, but then second guessed myself, and pulled it out to make sure I had DH's blessing. It was a bit of a surprise when DH said we needed to keep it. He has no good reason why, except that it was a gift from his grandmother (with whom he wasn't that close). IMO, this is the equivalent of his "guilt-quilt."

Part of me wants to quietly donate it, knowing he will never miss it. Another part of me thinks that's too deceptive- it should be gotten rid of only with his blessing. If it had ever had a place in our house, or ever seen any use other than from sick cats, I'd understand, but it's just going to end up being another excess, unused item that DH insists we keep and stuff into a cubbyhole somewhere.

Anyway, that's the next dilemma, if any of you have any thoughts or advice. Sometimes I feel like the whole house is just going to be stuffed with DH's junk that he won't part with, for reasons he can't articulate :(

For the guilt-quilt: I like the previous posters' suggestion to take a photo of it as a memento. Perhaps tuck it behind a photo of the person who gave it to you in an album, if you'd like to keep some aspect of it in your life. While I'll admit it'd probably be tough for me to do as well, I recommend gifting the quilt to someone who can use it. If the giver asks about it, you can state honestly, "I don't have it any longer. It was a dream item for me as a little girl, but as an adult I realized that it would be better used keeping another little girl warm. I hope you understand'.

If she doesn't, then SHE gets to live with the guilt of denying a poor, cold girl warm! :P

As for your husbands stuff, PLEASE don't toss it without asking first. That would be betraying his trust.

I do have difficulty parting with old 'randoms', so once a year I open the boxes of stuff, and think 'Do I still need this, or can I let it go?'. I find that often I just needed a year to process the 'letting go', and eventually it makes its way into the donation bin.

Your husband has no attachment to the quilt. People have difficulty with the idea of letting go of things. They don't miss them and don't pine for them once they are gone. Getting it out of the house without further discussion would be a kind thing to do for him.

Thanks lookintomyeyes83 and graywings123.

I have to admit that I'm feeling very discouraged and upset lately.

Aside from certifiable trash, nothing is ever leaving this house unless I smuggle it out of here. DH's parents are much the same, so I see where he gets it. There are so many things that are treated like trash (such as the blanket- and I can think of about a dozen other examples offhand), left in the garage for years, never cherished or even acknowledged, BUT the moment I suggest getting rid of them, suddenly they are of value and must be kept. Most of the time, DH's criteria for keeping an item is that it is "usable." It doesn't matter if he openly admits he will never use the item or doesn't even like the item, it's still usable and must be kept. I never thought of DH as that kind of person until I started methodically decluttering- and seeing the results of what went back and what didn't.

Over the past year, I've loaded boxes and bags with hundreds of pounds of my personal cast offs, and sometimes excess household stuff that he doesn't think of as his, but not once in that time has he offered up a single usable item of his. (BTW, he's very enthusiastic about other peoples' belongings going). He wouldn't even get rid of a cord lanyard like what they give you when you go to a seminar-- you know, a piece of nylon cord melted into a circle that they hang a badge on? Nope, he will never use it, but back in the drawer it went. He cannot explain to me why this has to be kept and it leads to tension between us, I can feel the wall go up when he's being challenged about letting something go... so in the end, I end up letting the subject drop. I wouldn't want someone else to pressure me about getting rid of my stuff, but at the same time we do have a limited amount of space and have to be thoughtful and realistic about what goes into that space. It's a dead end conversation with him.

Today I'm confronted with either A)making command calls for the household without his consent when it comes to things he's never shown any interest in, or B) just living with stuff nobody values, but is apparently not going anywhere. Neither seems like a great choice to me. For now I'm leaning towards B, because I simply don't know what else to do. I'm still going about thinning my possessions, but the last few days I feel like I've had to try to put blinders on so I'm not constantly irritated by the things I see, that nobody uses or probably wants, but are not mine to banish from the house.

Sorry to vent. Feeling frustrated... :(

Getting to the root of why he saves stuff would be helpful, if you could figure out a gently probing way to wrest the information from him. Eg

I grew up in a poor household, so everything was saved. Yup, I'm one of those people with 'Ukrainian Tupperware' (margarine containers and the like).

My friends tease me about having enough food for an apocalypse, and some of it does go bad before I can eat it, but I still keep large stores.

Why? I can remember going 6 months where my dad lost his job and my parents struggled to put food on the table. And if a natural disaster happened, I'd like to be able to survive a few weeks until help arrived.

I do have a few things I keep 'just in case' they might be useful - those lanyards of your husbands? The plastic holders are perfect for protecting my bus pass for a few months, and the lanyard works for my keys. (eventually both wear out and need to be replaced.)

Similarly, I do have some clothes that I *could* throw out, but they are comfortable for wearing around the house doing chores, or they might fit if I dropped a bit of weight. I like them, so I do keep them. I periodically give away a few pieces to goodwill, but most of them I keep. Its inspiration for working out. ;)

I'm currently fairly well off so I shouldn't need to keep the above, but keeping it makes me feel SAFE, so it stays. Perhaps that's your husband, too? It's not wrong, just different. In comparison, I have a girlfriend with very limited storage (shes in a condo), and she buys something, uses it once, and chucks it after because she'd rather spend money buying it again, rather than store it.

Perhaps as well, he doesn't see value in 'making space'? Some people are comfortable with a cluttered home, and find it 'homey'. Others find it a nightmare. (Eg My husband doesn't mind stuff unless its cluttering up the hallway....yet his desk can be a mountain of junk and hes find with it.) Does he feel the extra space is worth throwing out his stuff? Or just making empty space for no purpose?

I'm giving the above examples just to show the other side of the coin - but if his storage really bothers you, I think sharing your frustrations and reasons is necessary. If he's unwilling to change, then the only thing you can really do is either a) choose to hold a grudge against his stuff forever, possibly at the detriment of your marriage, or b) choose to accept it, because you love him and it makes him feel happy/safe/etc. I do hope he'll budge a little for you.

Good luck, in either case!

thanks for the thoughts and possible insight, lookintomyeyes83.

He's a good guy and his pluses outweigh this particular minus by a mile, but the last few days I've been feeling miserable that I seem to be the only one who wants an organized environment, and me alone is not enough.

DH seems to be "clutter blind." I think he honestly is and it's not just a convenient excuse to be lazy. He grew up in a cluttery house, with parents who seem to like material goods, so maybe it's just second nature for him. He's not a real in-my-head kind of guy, so he tends to shut down if you try to dig deep; the wall comes up no matter how gently you try to approach it, and the subject is over.

Like the lanyards, you're right there might be use for one, but the rest of the story is that I was only trying to get him to get rid of 1 of about 30. He will only use a certain type and I can understand keeping ones he uses or likes for some other reason, but to keep so many that he admittedly won't use... He snipped at me a little that they all needed to be kept, so at least now they are all in a big zip-loc bag. Better than before, I suppose...

One of the things that got to me the other day was realizing that DH's (and DD's) excess stuff tends to take over the house, and they don't manage it. It's fine for them to have lots of stuff, providing they manage it and organize it, but the reality is that their stuff has become my burden, much like the proverbial puppy that someone else wanted, then you end up feeding and walking day after day. DD is pretty good about corralling her stuff if asked, but DH is so blind to stuff unless you point out all the individual items that are out of place, he will pick up just the most obvious of things. Harping on each little thing is something I just can't do, it's easier to just pick it up myself than to walk around like a drill sergeant pointing things out.

Anyhow, the last few days, I'm trying to refrain from picking up his stuff. I'm frustrated and it's clearly a waste of my time, daily. I don't know what I expect in the next few days-- will he notice it or will it just get worse? For now I'm just trying to put my blinders on and do other things.

Not sure if this really ties back into the original idea of getting rid of things that are clearly not cherished items, but I guess I have to think if we had the right mindset about not keeping such things, we'd probably be much better organized with the things that do matter. Maybe I'm only kidding myself-- maybe we'd have empty cabinets and DH's stuff all over the dining room anyway...

Thanks for the thoughts, and for letting me vent...

Most everything that could be said has been said. I tend to choose to donate something which I haven't been using, as it's unlikely I ever will. Why is it more respectful to keep it stored in an attic, never used, than to give it to someone who will love and use it. But I'm not sentimental about things, so I may just be missing the point.

I will say this, though. If the relative is always difficult, then your having or not having the quilt isn't going to change that. In the unlikely event that she should find out about your giving the quilt away and it creates some drama, wouldn't she have just been annoyed or difficult about something else anyway?

I do try to be sensitive to others feelings, but not be dominated by them. So, in some instances I will smile and thank the giver and then donate or give away whatever it is to someone who can use and appreciate it. When I feel I can do so graciously, I will redirect the gift to someone who could really use it or simply say thanks but no thanks---if I know the giver well enough to know it won't be hurtful to that person.

Just a thought: Do you have a relative who's starting out or starting over? You could give the quilt to them. If the relative who made it ever asks why you gave it away, you can honestly say, " It was so pretty I thought I would be nice for______ to have something from family in her circumstances."