Loss of my Mother

11 years ago

Um, I've never really done anything like this before but I googled something and this popped up on the search. I'm a college student living in a different city then where I was raised to pursue collegiate track. My mother was really the only person I kept in contact with, with my family. Until recently (Oct. 29) when I received a call that she had been rushed to the hospital, this shocked me because my mom has always been in good health. They told me that she was unconscious and they didn't think she was doing so well, and that if I could I should try to get home immediately. Of course I got in my car and drove right to the hospital as quick as I could. She was unconscious when I arrived at the hospital and I never saw her awake again, or got to hear her voice. She had died of a sudden brain aneurysm. People told me they were sorry for my loss and that everything would be okay, and that it would get better with time. I had no idea it would be this hard, I'm still waiting for the "it will get easier part" because it still hurts like it happened yesterday. Never being able to call her and hear her voice, or text her, or anything. Its hard and I don't know how people get though it. The pain is just so deep and so hurtful that sometimes I just don't know what to do.

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summerblue

11 years ago

Rachel, I am so very sorry for your loss. I have loss both my parents and my husband so I understand how your feeling. Do you have family or close friends you can talk to? I will be honest here, it takes awhile to come to grips with loss. It hurts. I can't give you any timeline for when you will feel any better. Time does help but it does take awhile. You are always going to miss your Mother but one day it does get easier, not better, but it does get easier. I hope you have someone to talk with and to share how your feeling. I understand, summerblue

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Comments (7)

sylviatexas1
11 years ago
I'm so sorry.

It never is easy to lose your mother, & you're very young to go through it.

There's a quote at the top of this page that says something about grief taking time & attempting to soothe it too soon only irritates.
& loss isn't like a cake mix; you can't put it into the right temperature & take it out when the timer pings & call it done.
It takes different times, &, truly, it never is really over.

You don't get over it;
you accept it.

which is good;
you don't *want* to "get over" your mother.
Your grief reflects your love.

About those "it'll be okay/it'll get better" condolences:
I think sometimes people/I/we say brainless or idiotic things because we aren't comfortable saying nothing or saying "I'm sorry" & then shutting our mouths;
we need to put a label or limit on things, to put them in a box & shut the lid.

As summerblue suggested, human contact is helpful, as are
a knowledge that you are needed, that somebody is depending on you, waiting for you (you could deliver meals on wheels or record an elder's stories for his/her biography, etc),
aerobic exercise that pumps oxygenated blood to the brain & therefore to your mood, &
keeping busy; if you have a spare moment, don't use it to reflect on anything right now; use it to get something done, & set yourself a busy-but-not-overwhelming schedule.

I wish you the very best.
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Patricia, My Mother died the same exact way as yours. She had been suffering with a stiff neck for a couple of weeks. On Monday (June 4, 2007) she went to the hospital to get it checked. On Wednesday (6th) we found out she had liver cancer. It had spread to her adrenial glands, lungs and into her neck. On Sunday (10th) she was gone. She too went peacefully in her sleep. I know what you went through, she went really fast. Although this is all still new to me, I too feel your pain. Grieving is not easy for me right now. I smelt saukraut (sp?) the other day and thought it was kind of funny as I was driving down the road. I close my eyes and see her smiling face but yet I can not cry. Her services are this coming week end (17th/18th) and she is being buried on my son's (her grandson's) birthday. He is taking it so hard, but there is nothing I can do. I have talked till I was blue in the face and can not gt my brother to budge. I just hope I have the strength to go through this. With God's help we wil get through this. Here is a link that might be useful: Mother's Memorial
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I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear mother and for all the suffering she experienced. Please don't fuss over the things you said to your mother--she loved you dearly and knew you loved her. Focus more on the good things and good times you remember about your mother because they are more important than things said on one day. You are grieving, and it is a long, slow process. Anger is a natural part of the grieving, so don't be surprised that you are angry about something or at someone. I strongly encourage to call your church or local hospital to ask about a grief counseling group. I know this will be difficult to do, but please, please give it a try. If you don't like it you don't have to go back. My mother has been gone 8 years now. I continue to miss her, but the pain is gentler now. Just sadness. Nearly everyone feels this way over time about our mothers. But know you will get through this, but this is the hard time. Let us know how you are doing.
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I lost my Mom 4 years ago. I still cry a few times every month. Several years ago I asked her if she still thought about her Mother, My Grandma..she said "oh honey, I think about her everyday". I remember thinking how extraordinary that was. Now I get it. I have to share this poignant moment I had. I had returned home from my Mom's funeral in another state. My hubby and I took care of his mother, who was wheelchair bound. She had her sister and cousin over. I was sharing what it was like to lose my Mother. Aunt Wanda, who was 80 started crying. I felt so bad that I made this old woman cry. Then she said "I was crying, because I was remembering MY MOTHER crying at Christmas time, because she missed HER MOTHER". I said "Let me get this straight, you are crying over your mother who was crying over her mother"? LOL. Ya know how you laugh and cry at the same time? I never had a moment in life like that..We women stared at each other. The bond women share, mothers..love..life..it is so special. I now know how very important I am to MY DAUGHTER and only child. The memories I make with her will comfort her when I am gone. Still, I cry. She is expecting her first and most likely only child a boy. I am so sad my Mom didn't get to see him. But life goes on..and as bad as I miss Mom, a new grandchild is coming and a new chapter in my life. Do you honestly think your brother gets how you feel? NO..most guys don't. So honey, you just grieve for your Mom as long as you need to. It is a testimony to the love you had for her. It will subside..but the deep longing for her will not go away. At least mine hasn't. But life is still full of joy. Take Care..
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newhostalady Z6 ON, Canada
11 years ago
Hello Rachel. I too lost my mother suddenly in October. I don't know if you are still looking at this forum. I wanted to email you directly to see if you wanted to have a one-on-one discussion with me to share and grieve together, but you have not supplied your email. If you would like to contact me, you can click my name (newhostalady) and that will connect you to my email address.

After three months, I feel that others think that I am "over it" so to speak. To tell you the truth, I think the real grieving has just begun.
Bela Mari
11 years ago
I'd like to share experiences with others who have lost their mothers. I lost my Mum in april to cancer. It was a hard long battle. I wondered how one deals with it feeling still so unreal.. I'm happy to share through email.
tonyatr1971
11 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I lost my mom August 23 2014. Grief is like a living hell. She wouldn't go to the doctor or take medicine. I feel guilty about not being more forceful....making her go seek help. I also could not watch her die. I left at 4:30.....she passed at 10:48pm. I still wake up in disbelief....I feel like I'll never be happy again. No one can replace my mom, I feel like I'm all alone in this world now. She had my back no matter what, now she's gone. I'll never hear her voice again....Im so sad.
sylviatexas1
11 years ago
I'm so sorry, tony.

Please don't blame yourself for not being "forceful".

Independent people do not take kindly to forcefulness;

in fact, it seems to make them dig their heels in harder *& to not share news with the forceful person*, keeping their concerns to themselves.

You're right;

no one can replace your mother, but you're the next link in her chain of life, so respect & honor that, & take care of yourself.

It'll help to walk, jog, swim, dance, etc, so that you get some oxygenated blood to your brain & you'll find that thinking clearly becomes easier.

I wish you the best.
tonyatr1971
11 years ago
Thank you Sylvia...your kind words mean a lot.

Loss of my Mother

summerblue

Comments (7)

sylviatexas1

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