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Grief, Loss of my mother

17 years ago

My mother died on August 27th. I am the only daughter and the oldest of 3 living children. I am completely numb most days and find it difficult to control my emotions. One of my brothers acts as if my feelings are beyond the norm. From all of the resources I have read through I am fine. I hate to use the word normal. There is never going to be a "normal" again. I am 45 years old and my children are grown. I love my family and we are extremely close and yet I feel so alone.

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Comments (3)

mariend
17 years ago
I am sorry about your mom, but realize it will take a full year to asorb the loss etc. Also it is important to find a good grief course in your area. Being with others will answer some of your quesions. Look in the paper, social services at the hospital etc. Start a memory book and work on it each day, if you feel like it. Pictures, thoughts, letters etc.
loagiehoagie
17 years ago
I don't know about the one year business. I think it is different for everybody. Some people are closer to their parents than others. My mom passed almost 3 years ago and I still break down and cry almost every few days. We were very close and I miss her so very much. The one year time frame is beyond my comprehension. Perhaps for some that would be okay, but I certainly would not use that as a basis for every person and their time for appropriate grief.

Duane
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I am so sorry for your losses. I had a similar situation, but mine was my mother and brother. My mom had a heart attack and while she was in the hospital she also suffered a stroke. We had all of our attention on helping her get better and my 47 year old brother had a heart attack and died. On the day we were having his viewing they decided to send my mom home from the hospital. We were all in shock over her sickness, his death, and then we had to get her home and settled. My brother wasnÂt married, and he lived with my mom. I have 6 other brothers and 5 sisters all scrambling around to get things settled and get to the viewing, so some of us were there at different times, and not all of us at the same time, which probably seemed strange to friends and family that werenÂt aware of the situation. Anyway what IÂm trying to get at is we didnÂt feel we gave him proper attention during his death, so when the 6 month mark came, my mom was doing much better, and we were still in numbness and grieving, we decided to have a celebration of his life. We got the activity center at our church, invited friends and family to celebrate with us. We asked that each person write down a memory they had of my brother, and if they had any pictures to attach them to the memories, and we made them into a scrap book. It wasnÂt anything formal, just friends and family and memories. We were able to laugh and cry together and give our undivided attention to his memory. So I think maybe you could do that for your son, and get some closure to your feelings of not giving him your full attention. By the way, I think you gave all you could give considering the circumstances. Again, I am sorry for you losses!
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Thanks for the supportive words and suggestions. I've been giving him time and letting him have time to himself in the evenings. He had a very loving relationship with his mother and father but now both of his parents are deceased - it is a shock. He kinda hides out in our bedroom reading newspapers, trade magazines, and watching sports and news after the kids go to bed. He eats breakfast by himself with the newspaper and news on TV. As soon as the kids and I come down for breakfast, he goes upstairs to get dressed by himself. He's managed to schedule a lot of his time to be by himself. On the weekend, he sleeps a lot. Other times he gets charged up by rough housing with the kids. Last weekend, one of my daughters needed help finding something my DH put away. I asked her why Daddy couldn't help her find it if he put it away, and she said, "Is it because Daddy lays around and sleeps a lot?" They say the darndest things. Don't worry, I've never stressed out over housework. I'm more concerned about DHs angry outbursts and extreme withdrawal. Yes, I'm picking up the slack of trying to take care of all the busy needs the kids have in the morning, evening, and weekends but that's not as concerning as the other issues. Our house has already been "let go" as far as cleaning. I'm just trying to do the basics to keep us clean, clothed, fed, and delivered to work and school! I'm sure this will all take time. Holidays will be here soon and that will be tough. Thanks again, I'll just watch and wait it out. Karen
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Having just lost my mother, I can totally feel for her. Thanksgiving is hard for me anyway, with no family around. I purposely went on a fast this year right before so I didn't have to participate. T'day without my mom would be unbearable.
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Zyperiris
17 years ago
I lost my Mom 4 years ago. I still cry a few times every month. Several years ago I asked her if she still thought about her Mother, My Grandma..she said "oh honey, I think about her everyday". I remember thinking how extraordinary that was. Now I get it.

I have to share this poignant moment I had. I had returned home from my Mom's funeral in another state. My hubby and I took care of his mother, who was wheelchair bound. She had her sister and cousin over. I was sharing what it was like to lose my Mother. Aunt Wanda, who was 80 started crying. I felt so bad that I made this old woman cry. Then she said "I was crying, because I was remembering MY MOTHER crying at Christmas time, because she missed HER MOTHER". I said "Let me get this straight, you are crying over your mother who was crying over her mother"? LOL. Ya know how you laugh and cry at the same time? I never had a moment in life like that..We women stared at each other. The bond women share, mothers..love..life..it is so special. I now know how very important I am to MY DAUGHTER and only child. The memories I make with her will comfort her when I am gone. Still, I cry. She is expecting her first and most likely only child a boy. I am so sad my Mom didn't get to see him. But life goes on..and as bad as I miss Mom, a new grandchild is coming and a new chapter in my life.

Do you honestly think your brother gets how you feel? NO..most guys don't. So honey, you just grieve for your Mom as long as you need to. It is a testimony to the love you had for her. It will subside..but the deep longing for her will not go away. At least mine hasn't. But life is still full of joy. Take Care..

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