I have this and similar situations in my home fairly frequently. There is no single best way to handle it; a lot depends on the personality of you and your guests.

It makes me laugh that you would post a question about leftovers because it is a big deal in my house what happens to the leftovers. I have found over the years that anyone comfortable enough to ask for the leftovers that I cooked myself is also comfortable to not be offended if I told them I have other plans for what's left over. Usually I will fix that person a small portion to go and tell them sorry it's small - we're eating the rest tomorrow or whatever the reason is.

In my experience this type of thing usually works itself out fine. Maybe someone asks to take some home and I fix them a little bit, but explain the rest is dinner tomorrow. Often they never ask again; the only reason they asked to start with is that they thought it might be thrown out, or they particularly loved that one thing. Once they know that you value the leftovers yourself, most people don't ask.

The other situation I have is that sometimes people feel close and comfortable enough to start asking. I'm glad they feel like part of the family and I treat them accordingly and say no if that works best for me.

I do have people asking to take home dessert for later and I don't mind sending that, but don't do that if you don't want to.

I find most people I know are just happy to be invited. I have a lot of people in and out of my house. I find that if I overthink it or try to hard to accommodate people then I don't like hosting or I don't have time to host. Most of my friends would rather come and go with the flow. A few like things just so, they know that about themselves, and we go to a restaurant together or get together a lot less frequently.

The reason leftovers are a big deal here is that I have broke students here a good bit. There is a distinct priority here in leftover parceling - broke grad students and undergrads paying their own way first, students far from home and longing for home cooked meals second, students from other countries a very close third, then everybody else.

Good luck with whatever you decide. I think your friends are probably grateful that you host and happy to be invited, so however you handle it will be fine. If you enjoy hosting these events I hope you do whatever you need to do to make it fun for you.

In both your scenarios you offered your guest a "second helping". What difference does it make if they would like to take it home for later? An offer of a second helping is not a leftover. Leftovers are those items not consumed at the main sitting, they are left over. And if you really had plans for that extra chicken, why in heaven did you offer it in the first place?

I have a circle of friends that get together on a regular basis. Sometimes we are only 6, others we can be as many as 40(includes some kids). None of us would ever dream of not sending a "doggie bag" home with someone if they asked.

All of us know that we cook too much (fear of running out) and we want some leftovers. We actually encourage guests to bring some containers so returns are not an issue. If the host is busy, one of us will pack up her families portion for the next day and then take for ourselves. Cooks have been told to ensure their share they should keep it back in the kitchen if they want to. Some guests take home, others may not.

I am sorry and would like to be gentle on you, but to offer something and then take it back because they won't eat if in front of you is rude. Rejoice and be proud that they like your dish and would like to have it again the next day or as a bedtime snack.

Sooz, Maybe I have misunderstood, but I thought these get togethers were more like a dinner party, rather than a typical pot luck. A sit down dinner rather than a meal where everyone brings casseroles and it gets spread out where everyone helps themselves.

I took your meal to be a little more organized, with you providing the main course and friends bringing complimentary sides and desserts.

A potluck would be a different situation and might be seen as such by those participating.

I've hosted many dinner parties, (not potlucks) and I've never had anyone respond to an offer of seconds, with a response that they would pass now, but would like a doggie bag.

I guess we all have different standards but I see nothing rude In Sooz trying to come up with a polite response to this situation.

~Ann

What a lively discussion!

This afternoon, I followed BeesNeeds suggestion for making minis instead of full desserts. Great idea!

Ann T, you're right...and to my way of thinking, if I offer "seconds" on something, it's to be eaten at our meal...and if someone doesn't want seconds, "my" food is then relegated (in my mind) to the leftover category for me to use another time, and was not ever offered as a take-it-home.

Apologies (if necessary) for thinking of someone posting here as a troll--I had images of a junior high school bully, and I am sensitive having dealt with my own special needs students having to deal with bullying and unkindnesses during their school day.

IMO only, how sad to select a name under which to post, and then have to live "up" to it and sit in judgement of others (again, my perception, and MHO, and meaning no disrespect--simply stating my perception).

Thank you to those of you who respected my "be gentle" request, and who offered kind input as well!

Smiles,
Sooz

This post was edited by sooz on Sat, Jan 24, 15 at 17:34

I can answer the question about if you really had plans for the extra chicken why did you offer it in the first place. Maybe it's a cultural or regional thing. Most of my family and friends would never dream of sending anyone away from our homes hungry. If, heaven forbid, I run out of food I would scramble eggs, make a pbj or warm something from the freezer, but I will not knowingly send someone out the door hungry. Even if I do really have plans for any extra chicken, a person who will otherwise leave my home hungry has the highest claim to it. If necessary I will cook more chicken tomorrow. A person who has had enough to eat and wants to take some home is entirely different.

Most people I know consider it very rude to ask for the leftovers the hostess cooked, except maybe to take a slice of dessert they couldn't eat. I'm not offended if my guests ask, but I would never ask.

I attend outings like pKramer describes, where everybody brings a dish or two and the leftovers are commonly divided among whoever wants whatever. It's fun and everybody knows that's the way it's done. For meals like sooz describes our customs are very different and I think we'd all have our jaws drop if someone actually brought their own containers for extra food the others cooked.

It's interesting to see that the idea of what is polite varies so much. Maybe it's regional?

Obviously I am doing something wrong as guests come with tupperware.
For me, and this really is not something I expect at ALL from others, is to be wildly generous when I do entertain. However, I don't entertain often and I do consider the food costs.

Asking for leftovers is rude but I wouldn't have too many friends if I start analyzing that kind of thing.
People can be interesting and worthwhile in so many ways and still have quirky social etiquette. (most of the world, imo)

That said, my dearest, closest friends are all Miss Manners.

Daisyinga said it well. There's a big difference between "I want some more to eat" and "I want to take some home".

I've been to meals where the host didn't understand how to calculate portions and way too little was served. The great ones pretend crêpes were always meant to be the next course and ask around what people want on them, so it's not so obvious that the fillings have been scrounged and there's not enough of any one kind. The good ones laugh it off and order in pizza if there's nothing else that'll get to the table in good time. The poor ones just let people go hungry. -- Never in my house!

You come to eat, you leave fed. I also have a couple who really really don't want to eat my food (weirdness or religion), and unless it's the most formal sit down dinner (where Weirdness, who is a close relative of the I don't have to cater to you variety, gets to nibble the bread and a potato which I'll make him to hold him until he eats his main meal at home, and to which Religion would have a time conflict anyway and not be there), I let them bring their own and please themselves. [Please forgive me for not fixing that sentence.] I plan some vegan and gluten free elements for feasts, and if I know for sure someone who can't eat this or that is coming, I try to make a(n additional) protein that that person can eat. You come for dinner, you eat, or you smile and pass on the dish if you don't want any. You don't leave mapping out the drive thrus which are still open on your way home.

The only time I've been asked if a guest could take food home is when it's for one of the family who couldn't attend (home sick or working), which I'm glad to accomodate. In that case, usually the loved one makes a plate up (knowing what spouse or child would like) on a paper plate and covered with plastic or foil, because it really is a dinner being taken, not "leftovers", and I don't have to do it. At the end of a dinner, when I'm trying to make sure that the perishable food is dealt with, and all the guests are taken care of, and actually get to talk to people, the last thing I would want to deal with is wrapping up to-go orders!

Even though I said "be giving" was the best attitude to take, which I do believe, that doesn't mean that the request isn't annoying. There's a big difference between expressing an opinion and attacking someone for having a different way of being. It's because people make excuses for extremely bad behavior that it continues.

Daisy explained the difference perfectly, but in addition, there's the time and effort that go into wrapping it up. It's enough of an imposition on my hostess when I'm leaving the food I've brought (we have the same leave the food, take the dish manners) and have to ask the her for a container (for something that can't just be put in a bag, and at a place too far to live the dish)--and her eyes light up when I ask if she wants it, so I know taking it home and leaving her be isn't the right answer. The only way I can figure a way out of that is to bring a disposable container to leave, but people always go out of their way to return those too, even when I say not to bother, so that would be more of an imposition. Oh!! I'm so glad I wrote all of this! It might not be interesting to anyone else, but I just had an idea! Maybe I can get a small quantity of single use food service containers and take those along...

This is very different from the kind of meal where everyone brings something and expects to take leftovers. Then my people bring their own containers or use zipper bags, and there's a part of the clearing of the table where the hostess asks ,"Who wants turkey?" and, "Who's taking pie?" and someone will say that yes, he really wants the leftover salad even though it's been dressed. The people clearing up package the leftovers up while they're putting away, so it's all very organized.

Olychick's response most closely reflects my thoughts.

The way I interpret it is that the OP generously hosts the gatherings, plans meals, purchases, cooks and serves food to her guests. She's pleased to do this but feels taken advantage of when some want to capitalize on her generosity by taking food home to be enjoyed later. I can see where that would take some of the joy out of hosting. The gatherings are for people to enjoy food while they socialize. They aren't intended as a take-out meal service.

Bottom line is I think it's just rude to ask for food from any host, if it hasn't been offered. It's wrong, IMO, to put the OP in the awkward position of having to explain her plans for leftover food she purchased and prepared.

I had to think about this one. My solution regarding one guest who repeatedly asks for her next night's dinner is to take her aside privately and tell her I make an extra large amount in order to have my next night's dinner. And I feel embarrassed and selfish when I'm asked to send some of it home with another. That's all. The ball is now in her court. It's her choice.
Hopefully your 'flabergastedness' with the guest who ate one of the desserts and requested a take-home piece of the other, registered.
There are other options in addition to the good ones offered. You could ask the others if they would like to make it a share leftovers occassion? That would begin a lively discussion!

Oly had the best answer. If you don't want your friend to take home the leftovers just say you have plans for them .

If these are friends I can't imagine her taking offense . After all it is likely that she feels comfortable asking because you are friends.......so feel equality comfortable saying no.....politely of course.

hmmmm..... in your situation and knowing the result you want, I'd just say:
"Sorry, the offer was to eat now... I'm not doing take-out". :O)

For the past few times, one of the guests has requested to take home some of the food that I've prepared. The conversation will go like this during dinner:
Me: Would you like some more chicken picatta/lasagna/whatever?
Guest #1: No, but I'd like to take it home.
Me: Oh I'm so glad you like it, but sorry, but we have plans for the leftovers.

I think you are already handling it perfectly, but to avoid the issue, don't offer seconds.

I agree, a good conversation. I'd love to have the chance to be a junior high wise guy, but those years were long ago. Thanks to chas045 and jasdip for the backup.

Look, I think this is a matter of personal attitude. If I'm having guests over, i want to be a good host and provide my guests as good an experience as I can. I get out better wine than normal. If I'm making something I know people really like, I make more, not less. If someone wants seconds, or thirds, or asks to take some home, I savor the compliment and know I've accomplished my goal. When you ask for more wine, I know I've pleased you. If you don't ask for seconds, I wonder if I served the wrong thing.

So to each his own. Maybe you should distribute a set of rules so that people know what to expect and how to behave. No need to send that to me - I don't want to be presumptuous, you may not invite me, but upon learning there are do's and don'ts and someone has a clipboard to keep a count on who takes what, I'm not coming.

Let's consider a different but similar situation:

You invited some friends or relatives for a very nice dinner, and you served them a very nice expensive wine.

At the end, one of them asks, " That's a very nice wine! Can I take that half bottle of leftover wine home?"

dcarch

This post was edited by dcarch on Sun, Jan 25, 15 at 12:32

Wine is different.

How so?

True, wine is different because you have to account for open container laws, but, really, it's not different otherwise. I buy things like Two Buck Chuck for cooking. Palatable, but dirt cheap. I often cook with expensive wines, however, because even if I vacuum stopper them, etc., no one here much wants to drink up the ends. If I were having an informal, take the leftovers kind of party, I'd be happy to send the extra wine home with someone I knew to be sober and responsible with alcohol.

Snidely, I get it about recapturing youth, but your latest contributions do much better fit the civil tone around here. Thank-you for adjusting.

As Carolb said, the purpose of good etiquette is to make people feel comfortable, not to hang them up on unwritten rules. Example: When a Frenchman comes to dinner and puts his elbows on the table, a great hostess does the same so he won't be alone in his manners. A rude hostess stares at him pointedly, as if he were her own heedless tween.

The reason for having this kind of discussion is to figure out how to handle a situation that might come up. Your way of giving it all away is a generous and kind one, and never wrong.

I understand where Iris Gal is coming from, but taking someone aside can be frightfully embarrassing in a way that, in a long term group of friends, answering back pettishly, "No! If you're not eating it now, I'm having it for dinner tomorrow," wouldn't be. The most embarrassing moment I've ever had at a dinner party was when I was very young: I politely declined dessert because I didn't want any. The hostess's mother took me aside and ever so quietly offered me an orange. I just about died. If she'd said in a normal voice, in front of people, "JC, we have fruit if you don't want the sweet," it would have been fine, and hostessy. I would have been fine if they had served me a small piece, anyway, to push around, but this was dessert and coffee in the living room, so it's not like there was an empty spot on the table. Instead, she made me feel like she thought I was too fat for cake or something (which I wasn't--I was probably full, or it might have had coconut on it, to which I'm allergic. I don't remember why). The point is, taking someone aside puts way too much emphasis on something, and making a big deal out of it is as bad, or worse, as saying something in front of the company.

DC, I would not give them the half bottle of wine as it is open and illegal to have in a moving vehicle. I might offer them another closed bottle, but not necessarily the same wine.

Given that a half bottle is not all that much, I would rather share at the gathering to finish it up.

Good point Dcarch and good question Colleen.

I suspect that it is easy to say "wine is different" and fall back on whether it is legal as an excuse for turning down that request. But apparently that doesn't hold up in some states.

Thirty-nine states and the District of Columbia have statutes that allow patrons to remove partially consumed bottles of wine from restaurants through state statutes. Delaware's statute applies to alcoholic liquor other than beer. Hawaii's statute applies to wine, liquor or beer. The statute in Kansas applies to alcoholic liquor, while Vermont's statute applies to wine or specialty beers. Arkansas and Virginia have provisions in administrative code.

Since Sooz's guests seem to enjoy returning to her home on a regular basis, I would assume that she is a wonderful host.

And just a reminder, there is just as much a responsibility of being a good guest as there is to being a good host.

~Ann

Here is a link that might be useful: Link

In California, open containers can be transported in the trunk or cargo area.

When I read your problem it took me a minute to put my finger on why my reaction was the same as yours Sooz. The feeling (for me) is one of being taken advantage of and I don't react well to that feeling.You graciously provided the main dish and desserts and hosted the meal/gathering in your home. The guest in question apparently ate one dessert and didn't want another, but would take it for another time. It seems much like going to a one price/all you can eat buffet at a restaurant and trying to take food home. I think I would have reacted differently had the guest said "no, I couldn't possibly eat another bite, but that pie looks delicious." I might then have offered to send a piece home. The way people word things and even the history with and knowledge of the person can make a difference. Going forward and knowing this might come up again, I think I would try to work it into the conversation that you cook extra for these gatherings, expecting to have leftovers so that you can have a few days break from cooking.

I've enjoyed reading all these messages. This touched a nerve because I'm always the one baking for the office. There are a few people who think it's fine to take 1/4 of a cake home for their kids and spouse. I don't cook for their families! It brings me great pleasure to have others thank me or commenting on the goodies. One of the guys, from another department, always makes sure I get a piece of what his wife sends him with, and when I went to get him a plate of a treat I had brought in, I saw that a co-worker had packed up 5 servings for her family for that night's dessert. That was the straw that broke the camel's back!

I now keep the baked goods in my office and people have to come in and get a plate. I've even been known to pre-cut a few pieces and have plates ready to grab and go.

I think if the host offers to give someone leftovers, that's one thing, but to ask to take home a plate is a bit much. Assuming goodies st the office are meant for your family...same thing!

K

I think the office situation is different.

I used to bring all my halloween leftovers in to work and put them in the break room with the direct intent that it would all go away so I wouldn't eat it. If I wanted to keep any for myself, then I wouldn't bring it in.

Same thing with plates of cookies and other desserts. While it would be nice for people to leave plenty for others to enjoy, the unwritten rule is first come, first serve.

If you want to keep some for yourself, then don't bring it in...

You can't possibly compare what someone goes to the trouble of baking to share with her co-workers to bringing in something like Halloween candy that you obviously want to get rid of. Big difference.

~Ann

This post was edited by ann_t on Sun, Jan 25, 15 at 17:43

I see potlucks as bringing a dish to share, whether it gets eaten there or if someone wants to take some home. I wouldn't get upset if someone wanted to take some with them because I see my total offerings as my contribution to the dinner, not just what people eat in a certain timeframe. I actually don't like taking home food that other people have picked through anyway.

In my house, I'm always offering leftovers for people, and my guests know to bring Tupperware at Thanksgiving and other parties. I find it flattering that they want to have my food again.

I think what I would do in this situation is prepare my dish and pre-portion a quantity for leftovers and just leave it home. Then the remaining can be the potluck contribution open to being eaten there or taken home by other diners or by whomever made it if no one else wants it.

From Sooz's original post: "I really do not want to be a "restaurant" or their personal chef where people take 'doggie bags' unless I offer them--and from time to time, I certainly do offer."

If you offer leftovers "from time to time" it may be that people think you are open to giving out the leftovers all the time.

Perhaps it just comes down to what people consider to be good manners. I taught my kids and all my students over the years that it isn't polite to ask for food or second helpings unless it is offered. That's the way I was raised and that seems acceptable in our area. Like Sooz, I enjoy giving things away if I make the offer but I really bristle when people ask for things as if they are entitled.

Of course, if they are impoverished that would be a whole different ball game.

"You invited some friends or relatives for a very nice dinner, and you served them a very nice expensive wine.

At the end, one of them asks, " That's a very nice wine! Can I take that half bottle of leftover wine home?"

I live in-between the SF Bay and Central Coast wine regions and can visit either in an easy day trip. Wine and wine etiquette are long established here. Your hypothetical question would never be asked about "leftover" wine. Never. Food, yes. So, maybe that's a question for others to deal with.

If you like the wine, I can tell you where and when I got it, you can get some for yourself it it's still available. If you like the food, have some more or take it with you, I can make it again anytime. If it was from a recipe, I'll give you a copy.

That actually happened to me some time ago.

I decided to share a bottle of Opus One near the end. One guest did asked if she could take home that 1/3 of the remaining bottle.

I replied, "Oh no, I am so sorry. I can't let you have that. You see, it was a birthday present from some very good friends. They will be pissed if I gave their gift away."

Of course I lied. I was not interested in any further discuss about the wine.

dcarch

Pillog ~~ No way would I consider it private to speak with a guest during that evening.
As a child I would have died of embarrassment as being taken aside at a party. Shame on the lady for not respecting a no thank-you. Or doing as you suggest.

I had an experience last year:
frequently am invited for dinner and a cable movie. 'TV tray' informality. My friend-hostess would regularly ask me if I liked what she made (at first bite). My palate is different than hers. Good manners decreed I eat what I had been served and find something complimentary to say. Usually easy.
But once I responded, 'It's interesting". She wouldn't let it go and I finally admitted it wasn't quite my cup of tea. Mild understatement. Well!!! I kicked myself for a few weeks as she nursed hurt feelings and made a few remarks in front of the others the next time.
It is now in the past and she seems to value 'asked for' input.

This may be somewhat of a cultural thing. In my dad's family, you can't attend any kind of get together involving food without taking something home. The auntie will INSIST that you do . . . whether you want to or not! My grandmother lived just across town and I used to ride my bike over to see her once a week, and no matter how she was feeling, I ALWAYS had to take something home, food wise. In fact she would often give me some scary leftover from the fridge that I in no way wanted or needed, but I learned to just take it. She would always make it an offer I couldn't refuse! I am guilty of inheriting that trait, lol! Partly because I am single and always have to throw out leftovers, I am always trying to send my guest home with food. Most of them don't even get this and find it annoying, they refuse my food, lol! I don't consider it rude, but it makes this Balabusta happy when someone gets excited about taking home a care package! So my etiquette dilemma is always, "Is it rude to offer someone leftover food to take home after a visit?" :)

On the flip side, I don't ever ask anyone for a take home portion, but perhaps there was some kind of dynamic set up where folks started doing this? And on the flip side of that, I wouldn't have a problem if someone just told me, "Sorry, I have plans for the leftovers." Life is too short to sweat this kind of thing one way or the other, on the asking or refusing side. Say yes or no to the request, (whatever works best for you), in a kind and polite tone, and don't give it a second thought.

I am always trying to get rid of the desserts from a party, otherwise I will either eat them, which I shouldn't, or not eat them fast enough and they will go bad. I've had more cakes and pies, etc. mold on me over the years of parties, etc. I once worked at a place where celebrating your birthday with a fancy cake baked by the secretary was mandatory. She loved baking, but like me, didn't want the stuff around her house. So she got to exercise her baking mojo and we all gained five pounds working there! :)

I found it disappointing that one member made two separate posts advocating lying to the friend. If lies flow so much easier than honesty among friends, the truth would become obvious after a few such episodes. Even if I were just a bystander and not the direct recipient of such attempts at deception, if they would lie about something so insignificant it would bring into question the host's integrity concerning other, more important, friendship matters. You can be honest, yet evasive about the reasons, if you want to retain the leftovers without hurting anyone's feelings. A "friend" that was so cavalier about lying would become a mere casual acquaintance, not remain in my circle of friends.

Gyr_Falcon "------I found it disappointing that one member made two separate posts advocating lying to the friend.----"

How do you know she is a friend of that poster?

How do you deal with,"Honey do you think my butt looks fat?"

Do you tell your kid the honest truth that there is no Santa Claus?

When your husband/(or wife?) asks," Am I the best lover in bed with you ever?" Are you going to tell the truth?

dcarch

This post was edited by dcarch on Wed, Jan 28, 15 at 0:01

ˆˆˆˆĝiggle!

From the original post: "...gathering of a group of friends for a pot luck."

I have never asked, nor been asked, nor even know anyone who has mentioned asking or being asked those inane fat butt / best lovers questions. If I were, a raised eyebrow would probably sufficiently convey my feelings about such a stupid query. lol Would not think you could seriously equat young children and Santa Claus questions with lying to a friend that you dropped the food on the floor so you do not have to give them leftovers--but if so, it is beyond the effort I wish to expend in this post to address.

I would likely send the leftovers with the guest in almost all cases, because that is the norm and I expect the request. But if it was a habit, and/or I really didn't want to provide take-home, I would just say that I would rather retain the leftovers if they didn't want any more of that dish now. Simple and honest.

I always tell my friends and family to give me the honest truth but how was this new recipe or how does this outfit look. You may not like the answer but it is the truth. I'm always telling people I want brutal honesty especially about food.

Santa Claus was based on real people so the spirit of Santa Claus is real : )

If they are not the best (for you) why are you with them? or just tell them nicely how things could improve. Make it a teachable moment. ; )

“From the original post: "...gathering of a group of friends for a pot luck."”

That can mean someone you just met, or someone not yet your enemy. In my case the one who asked to take the leftover wine home was not a “friend” friend.

“--I have never asked, nor been asked, nor even know anyone who has mentioned asking or being asked those inane fat butt / best lovers questions. If I were, a raised eyebrow would probably sufficiently convey my feelings about such a stupid query. Lol---“

Cop out! How about answering my questions? Why not just tell the truth? Afraid of hurting someone’s feelings? While truth sets you fee, but also can get you fired from your job.

“ Would not think you could seriously equat young children and Santa Claus questions with lying to a friend that you dropped the food on the floor so you do not have to give them leftovers��"“

So honesty moral standard is at least age dependent?

“but if so, it is beyond the effort I wish to expend in this post to address.��"“

Another cop out?

“I would likely send the leftovers with the guest in almost all cases, because that is the norm and I expect the request. But if it was a habit, and/or I really didn't want to provide take-home, I would just say that I would rather retain the leftovers if they didn't want any more of that dish now. Simple and honest.”

I respect your methods and management skills in this sticky situation, which work for you in your relationships and your moral standards from your culture and upbringing.

dcarch

"-----I always tell my friends and family to give me the honest truth but how was this new recipe or how does this outfit look. You may not like the answer but it is the truth. I'm always telling people I want brutal honesty especially about food.----"

I am not making this up. One former respected member posted here this, " ---dcarch, your food always look like dog poop, and probably taste like rotting dead birds ----"

And she was not joking.

dcarch

This post was edited by dcarch on Wed, Jan 28, 15 at 8:40

Oy. Not cop outs. Those types of queries generally are not truly seeking the information requested, but are insecurity based. What the asker is really seeking is some reassurance. I have no difficulty sharing with them how much, and in what ways, they are valued.

RE: I am not making this up. One former respected member posted here this, " ---dcarch, your food always look like dog poop, and probably taste like rotting dead birds ----" Context is important, and lacking here. However, I can see the potential of a member reaching that level of exasperation while conversing on the cooking forums. :)

The point is, which I think some here might have missed. This was not your typical "Pot luck dinner".

This was a sit down "dinner party" style dinner where the host provides the main course and desserts and the guests bring an appropriate appetizer, maybe a first course or salad, and maybe a side dish.

Not your typical leftovers get shared kind of pot luck. If they want to take home what they brought, they should. But to ask to take home what the hostess has provided is a little rude.

All of my friends would know that they were welcome to take home any or all of the leftovers. But I can't imagine a dinner guest that is not necessarily a close friend actually requesting to a doggy bag.

Personally, if I were Sooz, and I enjoyed getting together with these people on a regular basis, I would be tempted to just to invite them for dinner. And if they ask what they can bring, I would tell them what I tell all my guests "just your self".

~Ann

"---Those types of queries generally are not truly seeking the information requested, but are insecurity based. What the asker is really seeking is some reassurance. ---"

To me, the important criteria whether a lie is a lie or a white lie, is the intention of the liar.

Lying with the intention not to hurt someone's feelings, or the situation requires diplomacy is justified.

For instance:

You should never tell a kid, "Look, the truth you failed is because according to the test, your IQ is just slightly higher than Fluffy the cat."

You should never tell your daughter the honest truth, "Girl, I have to be honest to you. You are my dear daughter, the reason you don't have a date is because you are no better looking than Cinderella's sisters."

And please don't call a compassionate wife who fakes the big "O" a cheap hoe.

dcarch

Ok, so I think the wine confused the issue but the point is the same.

What if you offered another can of soda, guest said no but asked to take it for later?

Sarah, in my opinion it's the same thing. Generally, a sit down meal isn't an occasion for takeaways. I keep seeing in my head those stories of the little old ladies stuffing hotel buffet items into their handbags. Or people at family restaurants who pocket extra packets of crackers from a serving basket.

It seems to me there's also a difference between the hostess at table offering more cola and being told, "Sure, I want one. I'll take it home with me," and the guest who's on the way out the door and says he's thirsty, asking for a self contained soft drink can or water bottle for the ride home.

The former is weirder than asking to take leftovers. The later is arguably an extension of the hosting situation. If it's just a matter of grabbing a can off a nearby bar, it doesn't interrupt the hosts from saying their good-byes to other guests, and it's not too formal an occasion, it's not so bad. If you take one of the hosts away from the company to go rooting in the kitchen, finding a cup and napkin, looking for the particularly asked for drink, etc., it's pretty rude to ask.

I was discussing this with my DH and he was as appalled as I was that someone would _ask_ for food to take home to consume later (though fine if it is _offered_). His take is that a dinner party is supposed to be a convivial sharing of a meal. Asking for take out somewhat violates that idea. He would reply that "Fine, next time I have a dinner party why don't I just send your whole meal over to you and save you the trouble of coming?"

I think Annie has offered many good thoughts.

Some of you seem to be wound-up way too tightly on this subject, worrying more about monitoring any individual's conduct than in trying to be a good host/ess. If you don't like someone's demeanor, just don't ask them back. It isn't something to agonize over. Life is too short to waste time thinking about something so unimportant.

I don't have or serve soda to guests. But, it happens VERY often, that a departing guest will say - "Hey, do you have a bottle of water I could take for my drive home?" Or, "would you mind if I take some coffee or tea to go?" For me, as with food, the answer is always "Ok, no problem." In the case of coffee or tea, I'll gladly make some if there isn't any available.

Those of you who don't view entertaining guests in your home as an opportunity to be generous and gracious should probably not do any entertaining.

I'm wondering if the guests, particularly the dessert one, are misguidedly attempting to be polite. The post about the office scenario got me thinking along these lines. There have been times where I took more than I really wanted when someone brought food to the office because so little was being eaten that I kind of felt bad for the person who brought it. Nothing like seeing 3/4 of a cake on the file cabinet as you leave for the day, and you wonder if it's gonna be there in the morning or if the cleaning crew will throw it out.

Sooz - Do you cook way too much? If so, your leftovers guest might think they're helping you out. And if not, it might be their clueless way of showing how much they enjoyed the meal.

I don't think you're being petty and I hardly think that making an observation of behavior repeated month after month is "keeping track." It's simply noticing, which is something we humans do. I think the best option is try not to let it bug you, but you're probably past that. Next, I like Oly's suggestion. Maybe they'll get the hint.

Dcarch - I find it incredible that anyone would have the gall to ask to take wine leftovers home. Especially a bottle like Opus 1 which is somewhat pricey. I wouldn't have made up an excuse. A one word response such as "no" would seem appropriate.

Yes an office situation is different. In mine, they were vultures and would scarf down anything anyone brought. With that in mind, if you bring it, you need to expect it to disappear. If you don't intend for it to be a gift to your co-workers, then why did you bring it? And if it is a gift, then it is for them to do with as they wish. You cannot change the fact that some co-workers are more piggy than others. My DH goes to the Y every day and on occasion, I as well as others have provided baked goodies for the masses...someone else provides occasional bananas...no one expects leftovers to bring home. I keep what I want to enjoy at home.

My former sec'y kept a candy dish on her desk which started attracting more and more people and the dish was emptying faster and faster. I asked her if she was the only one paying for the candy and she said yes. So I started a fund that we had the regulars contribute to so we all continued to enjoy the candy and no one was unduly burdened.

This to me is very different from an at home situation with invited guests.

With my conduct and speech, I try to comport myself in a way that does not hurt people's feelings, and I think that is what Sooz is grappling with here. There are ways to convey things that are both honest and tactful. And there are truths that don't need to be said out loud or told. If I say, "Does this outfit make me look fat?" and my SO answers, "Yeah, you look fat as a pig!" that is both untrue and an unnecessary way to convey the thought and says more about the mind of the speaker than how I look in the outfit. But if he says, "I don't care for that outfit, I don't think it is flattering on you." that is both true, constructive and kind. No need to tell me I am fat, because if I am fat, we both know it, and the pig comment is just unnecessarily negative and doesn't add anything to the discourse, it's just a put-down. So my thinking is it doesn't matter whether you give leftovers or not, just convey your desires in a kind and polite manner and the other person should be fine with whatever the response is. If not, too bad for them, don't waste any more time and worry about it.

This post was edited by lpinkmountain on Thu, Jan 29, 15 at 11:35

Well this thread certainly took an interesting twist.

I wouldn't invite people over and serve something I intended for the next day's lunch or dinner. I put out what I anticipate will be consumed and if anyone/everyone wants to take some home, please do. I have throwaway containers just for that purpose.

Snidely, I didn't say I wouldn't provide. I have done, and will in the future. I said it was rude to ask IF it makes a distraction for the hosts, because it makes them disappear into the kitchen just when they want to be saying their final words to the guests. The considerate guest considers the inconvenience before making a request. And if he has such a long ride that he will be consumed by thirst on the journey, he should keep supplies in the car. If he's going to be considerate.

Re leftovers, it has been said repeatedly. The hostess makes enough so that everyone will have an ample and filling dinner, but knows not everyone will eat so much, so she can count on not cooking the following day. She'll gladly give that up to make sure everyone at the table is pleasantly full, but the guests should not ask her to give up her day off of cooking so that they themselves can have a second day off. And it's okay for her to let them know, nicely, what her plan is.

In the situation FOAS posited, the considerate guest can say, "I have enough, but if you're trying to get rid of it, I'd be happy to take some home." That makes it easy for the hostess to say either, "Thank goodness! I thought I'd be staring at that for a week!" or "That's okay. I'm going to feed it to the family after church if there's any left."