Glad to hear it is working out. My father was about 13 years older than my mother, and my brother is 16 years older than his wife. They met as adults in both cases, so the worries were not there, and both marriages were and are solid.

I met my ex- at univ. about Feb. - Mar. when she was twenty and I twenty-nine.

There was talk of us being married that summer, with her leaving her four-year course after three years, but I'd seen lots of turmoil in Korea, and my mom had become ill when I was about six, so felt that with the uncertainty of modern life, that she'd better get her degree, in case she needed to support the family some years down the road ... the norm in those days being one wage earner per family.

She came to Korea after graduation the next year and we were married there - unfortunately, with none of her family or loved ones present.

We were together for 11 years ... and apart for about 35, during which time there was little communication. Sort of a shame, really - life is too short for carrying such bitterness, even though it seldom surfaces.

ole joyful

I'm glad it is working out for them. Four years isn't that much difference. The only problem is that she is very young and will not have much opportunity to meet or date others as long as they are together. For some people that matters and for others it doesn't. I would emphasize to her how much you like him and that you hope they will wait for her to finish college before getting married. At that he will still only be 26 or 27. Still young for marriage by today's standards.

Thank you for the update. I'm very happy for all of you. You must also be proud knowing you are raising a lovely young woman with good sense. Life IS too short, when love come's knocking in the right manner, it is a gift.

Cheers,
Peggy

I'm glad things are working out so far. Hope it continues. It would be nice to see this work out as an "old fashioned" relationship. Best to all of you. Thanks for the update.

I'm glad to hear that your daughter is happy. My daughter dated the same guy all through middle, high school and two years of college. After they broke up, I was very sad for a while. He was like a son to us.

She really regreted not dating other guys and just having girl fun through high school. I know she stuck with him a lot longer than she should have, because she knew we loved him. I guess I wouldn't be afraid to let your daughter know you like the guy, but I'd also let her know it's ok to not be committed if that's not what she wants in the future.

Glad to hear it's going so well. Juellie makes a good point. My DH and I were unprepared for how bad we felt when our oldest broke up with her first boyfriend. It didn't stop her from doing it, though. :-)

My son got married this past summer. He and his wife started dating 11 years ago--when she was 16 and he was 20. During that time they both worked their way through college. I'm proud!

DH has a question. Does this young man HAVE friends? (You say he spends all his spare time with your DD.) Does your DD spend time with him and his friends? With her own classmates/friends?

Sounds good. Both of my husbands were 10 years older than I and it was no problem. But I was over 18 regarding my first husband. Has anyone realized when sex does happen....he can be charged with rape and go to prison because she is a minor?

Thanks for the update. I had a feeling that things would go well. It sounds like they both have good heads on their shoulders and their education is important to them.

Great. 4 years is not really alot. But planning that they stay together at their young age is alot to expect. I hope it works out for them but if it doesn't I'm hoping you let them move on. I think you are getting too connected to the BF and I would caution you to tread lightly. She is only 15 and will in all likelihood go thru another boyfriend or two before settling down. I'm speaking from experience.

Thanks for the positive stuff everyone. We were met with a lot of negativity at first... and I understood.

Chisue- yes, he has friends. Actually, friends they both have in common from when they were in school together and also personal friends. It was a small Christian school they both attended for a few years so everyone knew everyone else, regardless of age. Also, he is technically 'away' at college (even though it's only 20-30 minutes away). He has a nice group of friends there and also friends from his ROTC and he hangs out with them during the week. We have met those friends at a get together and it's maybe a group of 6-10 young adults. Very decent people and their parties are non-alcoholic. The time they devote to each other, though, is 1-2 days a week (if he's in the area) and weekends. He returns to school on Sunday late afternoon. Those days, he hangs out with her and us or his parents since he is in town and wants to see them, too. They are either here or at his parents. He does have other friends and she does, too. One thing both his parents and we like about their relationship is that neither one interferes in the social life of the other. By this I mean if she has a party or school function such as pep rallies or games to attend and he cannot go, he encourages her to attend. She still goes shopping with friends and out to dinner with them at times. She has not isolated herself and we did encourage this. She does the same with him. His friends back at school had a Christmas party. They were very nice to invite her but, of course, we didn't allow her to attend as it would be a late one and about 40 miles away. Our dd encouraged him to attend anyway as this was important to him and he did. He came home to his parents that night and they spent the next day together. They still lead separate lives but the time they share together is strictly for each other.

She is now at a public school. She sees the guys and girls hook up and drop each other for another one the next day. She tells me she could've never played the 'dating high school' game. She comes home with stories of the guys just assuming they can come on to her and they try to get close to her physically (she is a very pretty girl, if I should say so myself!). She immediately stops their advances. She says it is ridiculous what goes on. I've asked her if at any time she has wished she would be able to date any of them and she laughs. I assume that means no!

I am proud of her. This may or may not last. You never know. Although we love him like our own we also tell her that first sign she sees of something she doesn't like or is wrong, to get out. Better now than later. She has a very good head on her shoulders. School is very important to her and she will pass up a chance to see him if she has to study or do homework. Maybe we are very lucky but she is one good girl. I'll also give the young man kudos for having priorities and knowing she is young and supporting her and encouraging her to get ready for the future.

Oh. My dh just wishes he liked sports!! Hockey is about the only sport he gets excited over. Oh well!!

I met my DH when I was 24 and he was 30. I had never dated anyone in their thirties! He seemed so old to me! And he was still married, in the process of divorce. Try explaining that to your parents! Scary territory for a young woman. We married two years later (26 and 32). We've been married 31 years, I'm 58 and he's 64. He's got more gray hair than I do, but I no longer consider him too old for me! Teehee!

Thanks for answering my DH's question.

I'm remembering how I felt at 15-16. I was an early bloomer, physically, and attracted male attention that made me uncomfortable. I didn't want to appear 'square', but I wanted to be 'safe'. I was leary of the dating scene and parties -- tame as it was back in the Dark Ages. LOL I felt pressured (or pressured myself) to be very circumspect.

I convinced myself that the boys my own age were all immature and that I was 'in love' with a young man four years older. I'd met him on vacation. My mother had known his parents for ages. Conveniently for my (unconscious) purpose, he lived in another state! We corresponded and I saw him once in a while. Eventually he came to visit me. He proposed before returning home.

I almost *married* that young man before I woke up at 19 and realized that HE was immature. Meanwhile, I'd *avoided* coping with and dating my peers in HS.

DH is thrree years older than I, but we met as adults.

chisue- I know what you mean about missing the fun, dating scene in HS. I remember being her age and it WAS fun having the boys attention. I was her age in 1976. Seems like eons ago! I was different in that I liked the attention and was more flirtatious. My dd does not like the attention and is more grounded than I was. She finds it annoying for some guy to be cutesy or persistant when she's not interested. She's always been like this. It's a totally different ball of wax in HS now. The guys are very aggressive and very in your face about wanting your attention.

There's this one guy that keeps harrassing her. Not in a sexual way but he just doesn't give up. She says she turns around and there he is! He wants to sit with her at lunch, tries to touch her on the arm or face when possible, just tries to be close. She's told him she has a boyfriend and he says to her that she may have a boyfriend when she's at home but that in school, she is his. Now this worried me for a bit but she says that although he says it, he doesn't try to go any further. Things have cooled off a bit since her boyfriend went with me at carpool once to pick her up. I don't think this young man believed she had a beau until he saw him with her. Anyway, my point is that dating in HS now is so different and I for one am glad she's chosen not to partake. Many of my dd's friends are avoiding it, too. They say they'd rather wait to meet someone in college. Some have gone in the other direction... completely off kilter dating anyone that comes along. Another reason I am glad is because there isn't someone there at school everyday that takes her focus away from her studies. She still partakes of all the HS activities so I'm not worried about her missing out on any of that. That's the stuff that makes memories! Have a Merry!

Um...no, I wasn't talking about missing the 'fun'. I'm saying that I failed to learn how to cope in my own real world of HS, including guys like the one you say is hitting on your DD. Withdrawing, or displaying a 'protector boyfriend' is avoidance. (I'm speaking for what I see of my young self in what you've written about your DD.)

Girls are brought up to be compliant and 'nice', praised for being attractive but cautioned against our own sexuality. We have to learn how to be forceful in our own behalf, how to balance flirting and drawing the line.

It has to be learned sometime -- better in HS than college, better before you are in the work world where 'the boys' are your male bosses and co-workers.

Adolesence is a confusing, even frightening time, but it includes valuable lessons in 'taking it on', solidifying your own 'center' while you deal with your equally confused peers! The wisdom of age has shown me I was wrong to try to hide from the uncomfortable challenges.

chisue- oh, I misunderstood but no, she's not hiding by having a protective boyfriend. Their relationship is fairly new so she's had to handle herself in the past. Besides, he's not in school with her for her to hide behind and, like I said, she partakes in all school functions... without him. But I get you. I hope we are bringing her up to be independant, strong and secure. I think we are. She certainly speaks her mind and can hold her own amongst her peers. She's come face to face with invitations to drop acid, drink alcohol, engage in sexual encounters and skip school. She has handled herself well. Same in the boy department. She doesn't hide from this nuisance of a boy just doesn't like his attention and tells him so. I think she's doing ok. Thanks for your input, though. I'll keep my eyes and ears open.

Good to hear it is working out.

At the very least gives them time to get to know if it is what they want.

Denny and I are 4 years apart...I was 20 when I met him...We didn't wait long before getting married. That could have been a distaster...but it wasn't....come May it will be 45 years. Good luck to them'

patti

Even if there is "no sex," I think I'd be inclined to have another long talk with her, buy her some condoms and put her on birth control pills. There is no sex now, but, there will be. It is a natural consequence of a loving relationship. Hormones tend to well, rage. "Moments" seem to happen. It is an extremely powerful urge.

I've heard that quite a few teenage girls somehow get pregnant while denying they are having sex, even to themselves. Besides, what is the definition of "sex?" Does old fashioned "petting" count? Oh... and no, there has been no sex! Don't know when it could happen! Uh huh.

sherrmann -- Thank you. I was reticent to be plain.

I've heard it said that if you leave *any* male and female alone long enough there will be 'sex'. Add adolescent hormones...the odds can only increase. When normal males and females believe they are 'in love', celibacy isn't a usual or even rational expectation.

orie..had to lol about the sports thing...dh liked it but we didn't watch 24-7 until he hooked up with my dad...now it's all sports all the time...and the tradition hasn't stopped! have one sil who really didn't watch at all and now dh has him into colege football, and now pro!!

so tell your dh not to worry, lol...he'll have time to "recruit" dd's bf or boys to follow...

You crazy people don't have to tip toe around the sex thing! LOL! Of course I know it can happen. She tells me of kids having sex in the bathrooms of her HS! It can happen with someone her own age as so many of her friends are doing. What I meant is that we do not allow for much alone time for this to take place. That's why I thought he'd be long gone by now! Their alone time is when I'm in the kitchen and they're in the next room watching tv and I can kinda see into that room. She doesn't drive and doesn't go to many sleepovers. Her friends just aren't into that but when she does go, I don't allow her to just go anywhere. I know the parents of her friends very well and they are aware of the boyfriend situation. I've kinda covered all my bases but, of course, I know teenagers and their wily ways!

I was married at the age of 24. I was a virgin. I had many boyfriends growing up and we got away with murder but I never had sex... for many reasons. I really wanted to wait, I was terrified of getting pregnant even with protection, I didn't want to hurt my parents and I didn't want it to be the reason a guy left me... you know, "Ok, I've done her so let me move on." I always thought I'd rather a guy leave me because I didn't than because I did. My self-respect would be intact. Besides, my latin roots were very ingrained and it was just what was right to do. I know it's different with my dd. She was born here and, although we've ingrained some of those values, she's her own person. I hope she knows right from wrong or is very careful! I talk to her about this issue often and I've even talked to him about it... to my dd's dismay. I won't talk to him about it again but I continue with her. I think we call it 'brainwashing'!

Anyway, I do what I can whether it's a 19 yr. old or a 15 yr. old guy she's dating. The end result of sex at such an early age can be devastating for both of them. Bottom line is, I can only do so much and at some point they have to be responsible as they also know the consequences.

As for the sports... I don't think there's much hope there.