When there's an elderly dangerous driver in the family

13 years ago

I'm pretty sure we've discussed this topic before, but I wasn't paying attention because I hadn't had the experience. I was fortunate that I never had to tell my car-loving dad that he could no longer drive. But now a close friend is facing this situation--or not facing it.

Her mom is 95, or close to it. Her driving has gotten bad, and her daughters can't bring themselves to tell her she can't drive anymore. I don't blame them for not wanting to do it, but this woman should not be on the road for her own sake and for the sake of all the people she could involve in an accident.

My friend will get in the car with her mother, thinking if she keeps a close eye on the driving they'll be all right. I must have a stronger sense of self-preservation, because it's not something I would ever do. I also think it's useless, as driving decisions can be made in split seconds, even when the driver's reaction time is slowed.

I read an article from the Washington Post in which the writer tells how she alerted her dad's doctor to the situation, asking him to order a driving evaluation. This sounds like a good idea--assuming my friend's mother visits a doctor. (She's one of those incredibly strong women who are never sick.)

Any other ideas? How have you dealt with this?

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Comments (21)

country_sunshine
13 years ago
Yes, I had to do this with my beloved husband...His driver's license expired a month ago.. and he wanted to get it renewed... so I simply told him that in order for him to do that ... we would have to:

a. go into Columbia,
b. sit and wait in line for probably an hour or possibly more,
c. he would have an eye test, written test, and a driving test before they would renew... because he is over 80 years old..

I convinced him that because he only drives to the mailbox and back on really bad weather days, that it wasn't necessary to have a license... He asked "what about emergencies".. I told him in that case, I doubt very much anyone would care whether he had a license or not...

Besides, with him off the insurance as a driver, our auto insurance went down considerably...

Nuff said there...

Carolyn
dotmom
13 years ago
This is really a problem. I still drive (almost75) Hubs hasn't for about 3 yrs, (he is 81) I can understand how it would become more dangerous with the slowing of reaction times. In some cases, like ours, if I didn't drive, we just wouldn't get out. There are no buses or taxi cabs. I do know 3 people in their 90's who still drive, but it is just around town. For seniors to give up driving is difficult. As we get older we lose more and more of our independence.But there does come a time when we should hang up the car keys, and I hope I will recognize when that time comes.
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BDDT, with my dad about 4 years ago. He was far more cooperative than many of your parents have been. He had two accidents in a week plus a few others in the preceding couple of years. Mom did most of the driving until she broke her elbow. She was out of commission and he drove more resulting in the two final accidents. Mom agreed and we hired a caregiver who drove for them 5 days a week. Definitely expensive, but Dad used senior door 2 door transportation and discount taxi coupons. He agreed to a full neurological workup which after six weeks the doc INSANELY said that he was fine to drive. Mom wisely had the caregiver drive around the neighborhood with dad. She came back and said unequivocally that he was not capable. Only one more time did he attempt to drive. I was called by the cleaning lady and rushed over, just in time. I explained that he had worked very hard all his life for a comfortable retirement. Was he going to jeopardize all it? What kind of life did that elderly man have after he killed ten people at the Santa Monica Farmer's Market? After that we sold his car. He's never attempted it again. Sadly there is NO public transportation in their area of Los Angeles, but he's not physically capable now of getting on a bus unassisted. MIL had her license suspended recently. She's 90 and fully capable, but nearly hit a pedestrian who called the cops, MIL got a citation and a notice to appear for a competency hearing. She had to take another driver's test and failed. She too is complaining about the inequity. She's fiercely independent and doesn't want to rely on anyone. She's had another hearing and has to go for a full medical eval. If she passes then she has to get a learner's permit and take 6 hours of lessons. She thought that she could just send in the med form for the doc to fill out. We're a bit more removed in this situation so we're letting the DMV sort it out. Finally, my friend's FIL refused to stop driving (he had some dementia) and they put a club on his steering wheel so that he couldn't drive!
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vala55
13 years ago
My husband did not want to give up his license even though he knew he had a problem. He had 2 wrecks in a year and the last one was serious though no one was hurt. I told him we could lose everything we have if he crippled or killed someone. We went to the license office, he gave it up and they gave him an ID card that looked like a license. I would not have thought of that, but he needed it for an ID several times before he passed away. He didn't want to sell his truck either so we kept it until we got an insurance bill. He was really a very smart guy, I never had to coerce him into doing this. He just knew it was the right thing.
susie53_gw
13 years ago
This can be a very touchy subject for many of us.. My MIL was a horrible driver and we were all worried about it. Once we moved them closer to us she only drove in a small town. She had a certain route and it worked well. We hung a tennis ball from the ceiling in her gaage so she could judge how far to pull in. Once it hit the window she knew to stop.

A dear friend of ours Mother drove up into her 80's. Our son was in the city one day and he was behind her. She pulled out the wrong direction in a very busy intersection. Our son made sure she made it out of the mess ok. Our son went to her son and told him and they all went to her and convinced her to give up the keys. All her kids and grandkids made sure she got to go anywhere she wanted to go. Wonderful family..

I feel bad for families having to go through this because it can be so hard to deal with..
mariend
13 years ago
That is a major problem here in the midwest, especially in the small towns. The seniors don't want to depend on anyone, but we do get very alert to those on the roads who should not be. Usually they just drive from the farm, into town, maybe a bit farther. We have one senior that the family finally had to step in due to her meds getting messed up and ending up in the ditch several times.
It is a hard decision for any family to make.
Sometime the kids just have to step forward and make the decision. Both my brother-in-laws had to give up driving and it was not good. My DH is pretty good, especially since he had his eye surgery. I know I have slowed down because my judgement is slower, but then I still do pretty good in Los Angeles where I learned how to drive. I did most of the driving in May when we took a 3000 mile trip, and boy was I tired.
Good luck to all us seniors.
sushipup1
13 years ago
Timely article in the recent issue of Consumer Reports.

Here is a link that might be useful: When to take away the keys
hallngarden
13 years ago
alisande, thank you so much for this posting, and also to the ones responding. This is a subject that is on my mind everyday. Mother is in her nineties, first let me give you an idea of her mentally, lives alone, keeps a spotless house, cooks all of her meals, handles all of her business, bank accounts, taxes, blest with a very sharp mind. Now, for her body, she is very tiny and frail, walk with a cane and takes a while getting around the house, When we pick her up in the car it takes quite a while to get her in the car. She finally agreed to have a lady come 4 hours a day, 4 days a week. This was two years ago. This lady will also help in the house, but so far, she has allowed her to do nothing in the house. Only allows her to drive to the doctors, grocery store, and etc. At this point, she is trying everything in the world to get rid of the lady. She is so determined to start driving that car again. On our last few outings with mother two years ago, it was evident that she no longer needed to drive a car. Every doctor she goes to, she ask the same question, can I drive, her doctor watched her as she came down the hall on the last visit, and told her he had concerns that she would be able to move her feet fast enough while driving. Mother is very verbal as to how unhappy she is with the lady driving her car. She refuses to let the lady take her on outing to just have fun. With her sharp mind, she decided to go in person to pay her automobile insurance and tried to get the insurance company to ban the lady from driving her car. We had spoken with them when the lady started driving her around, and made sure everything was in order. When we go to visit mother, never know which personality is going to greet us. The one that complains the entire time we are there, this is a lady that did all the driving when we took trips, had great fun with us, grandkids, and great grands, she was the first one to laugh and have a great time when we were together. Our hope for her was to be able to live in her home for all of her years, and the lady that drives her helps make this possible. She refuses to let us take her places, keeps telling us that if she can't drive herself , she just won't go. No, I don't have any answers, this is something I have on my mind everyday. Her life is so unhappy because she cannot drive. Its so sad to see a once very active lady, still with a brilliant mind, with a frail failing body. Wish I had the answers to help make her happy. Sorry, this was so long, but wish that I could make it all better. My husband and I are in our seventies and hope we will know when to stop driving. Its good to hear from others that are facing the same problem. Wish we had a magic pill.
susan_on
13 years ago
I just talked my dad (84 with problems) out of getting a car, and I'm glad he listened. They have to go to the licence bureau office for testing once they are 80, but here, at least, they coach the seniors who don't know the answers. I wish they wouldn't do that.
lunchlady1948
13 years ago
We had the same problem with my mom she was in her early 80's with failing eye sight had to have surgeries got to the point she had only one good eye. We asked the eye dr to tell her she could not drive and he said he would not do that she still had one good eye WTW!!!

She failed her driving test but kept on driving for a year, made me crazy. One day my DH went to her house with me, he is a retired peace officer and he told her while I was in the bathroom she was not to ever drive the car again period! And she never did. Now if I had told her which I had been doing for a year:( She would have gotten in the car right then and there and drove off~~he did what I could not do in one big sentence!

I think sometimes an outsider can do what we can not with our parents:(
linda_in_iowa
13 years ago
I had that problem with my mother. Fortunately, I got a phone call at work from her ophthalmologist asking me to pick her up because he had just taken her license. She was able to direct most of her anger at the doctor instead of at me.
When an uncle started coming home with dents in his car, his kids just contacted the motor vehicle dept. and they sent him a letter to come in. He failed the vision and driving tests and they took his license.
tobygirl
13 years ago
I remember when my husband and I visited his grandmother when she lived in Washington, DC. At the time, she was about 79.

She vehemently insisted on driving during our visit. More than once, she commenced driving down the parking lane straight for a line of parked cars. My husband, who was in the front passenger seat, had to very quickly turn the wheel.

Shortly after that she moved in with her daughter out of state, and gave up driving. Thankfully, she made it out of Washington without an accident, except for scraping up the sides of her car while pulling in and out of her garage.
maire_cate
13 years ago
Since I went through this 4 years ago I know how difficult it can be to tell a loved one that they can no longer drive.

But this is where I might differ with many of the posters here who are more considerate than I am on this topic. I personally think the daughters should be held liable if their Mother causes an accident. They know she shouldn't be driving. Period.

As for the tricks---
1. Disable the car. Call the dealer and find out what you need to do. If need be one of the daughters could take the car to the dealer and then inform her Mom that it would cost thousands of dollars to be repaired.

2. Call the police department and speak with a supervisor. They've dealt with this before. Tell them the situation and ask them to send a patrolman out to speak with her. If necessary the daughter can call the police the minute their Mom gets her car keys out and a patrol car could follow her.

3. Take a video of her driving and show it to her.

4. In some areas the Auto club will offer a senior driving course.

5. Call her physician or clergyman for assistance.

6. Has she had a recent eye exam?

7. All the daughters should sit down with her. It's less painful when you have company. They should be prepared to offer alternate transportation.

I know someone's feelings will get hurt but I think you should tell your friend that her reluctance to remove her mother's license is criminal. How on earth would she feel if her Mom killed someone or herself.

One of my friends mentioned she was going through the same situation. She just couldn't tell her Mom that she shouldn't be driving. I tried to be compassionate but after listening to her excuses I just came right out and asked her if she would be so considerate if one of her granddaughters were seriously hurt by someone who shouldn't be driving.

Well the next day her Mom rear ended a car with 2 young children in it. Luckily no one was seriously injured and my friend finally insisted her Mom give up the keys. Now I get to listen to her complain that she has to drive her Mom places.
joann23456
13 years ago
I do think that her daughters owe some responsibility to the public, but I don't think you can hold them ultimately responsible for what a competent adult decides to do.

When this happened with my father, my sister and I talked to him constantly, describing in great detail how tragic it would be to kill a child because he couldn't see straight. My sister called his doctor, who did nothing. She also took him to the DMV when it was time to renew his license, and they passed him with no problem. (He had macular degeneration, and couldn't see anything except with his peripheral vision.)

Both of us flatly refused to get in the car if he was driving, and told him constantly that he should not be driving.

Susan, I hope your friend at least gets up the guts to tell her mom to stop driving and to stop getting in the car with her.
hallngarden
13 years ago
marie cate, I agree with you. When we decided that she could no longer drive, first thing we thought about, what decision could we live with. Having her complaining to us all the time, or letting her drive and have an accident and hurt innocent folks or even worse. The last time she drove two years ago she was pulling into the center line. Having an aging parent makes me feel like the parent and she is the child.
azzalea
13 years ago
I've been there--mom and Aunt both got too old and infirm to drive. Mom was wonderful about it--she voluntarily gave up driving and 'let' me chauffer her around for the last 10 years of her life. Aunt had health issues that meant we knew she could never drive again--unfortunately she didn't agree. However, she was in a physical state that meant I had to invoke using her POA for many things. One thing I did was get rid of her car. It was hard to do, but I KNEW she didn't belong driving on the road and never would be able to again.

I have to add this--I was rear-ended by one of those drivers a few years back. Was stopped at a stop sign--and had been for several moments, since the road I was trying to cross was a very busy one. He apparently didn't notice a large, dark mini-van and drove into the back of me. He lived in my neighborhood, as it turned out (about a half block from the accident). So I noticed over the next few weeks that every week he had MORE dents in his car. I'm not kidding--they were in all different spots. I called his insurance company and told them. Figured of all the people in his life, they probably had the most to lose. Sure enough, in a month or two, his car disappeared. Either he totalled it (I sincerely hope not) or someone got him off the road.
cynic
13 years ago
This topic comes up quite often and is a good topic. It's often not easy to confront someone who shouldn't drive, but then again, it's also called being responsible.

What I don't understand is that most people seem to have no aversion to taking someone's keys if they're drunk. (Brainwashed by MADD I suppose.) But too timid to take their keys when they're a danger by their driving. Splain that one to me Lucy...

I do not agree with disabling a car. There's legal ways to do this and committing a crime is a coward's way out. Plus they'll just get it fixed. What makes a person think that's going to do anything? Working with the police is good, but you can't expect them to always be able to drop everything and send a car to search for them and follow them. You'd be better off following them yourself and call in that there's an erratic driver if that's the case.

There's an independence thing, a bit of an "ego" with some, just self-pride and satisfaction that you can take care of yourself. I understand that. And I know some are more bullheaded about it than others. Age by itself doesn't bring wisdom or maturity. Sometimes they won't acknowledge that they're not what they used to be. I see a lot of older people say stupid things and throw tantrums. At the same time, age by itself doesn't mean you're a bad driver though either. I know some elderly drivers I'd ride with before riding with some younger ones.

The biggest mistake IMO is people don't have their parents and others ride with them often enough to get them used to riding with others. I know I seldom ride with others, I usually do the driving or I drive myself and it's been that way since I started driving. It's a very uncomfortable feeling to not have access to a vehicle when you've been this way. For instance, if the car is in the shop it's very uncomfortable to not have it. Yes it's silly but it's true. Even with the snowstorm I was essentially snowed in until the driveway was cleared. Again, a very uncomfortable feeling and it's not that you want to go anywhere, or need to go anywhere, it's the fact that you CAN'T if you want to. With some it feels like a punishment just because they're not used to it. I hope that if I get to a point where I shouldn't drive, that I'll realize it and accept it. Better yet, some buxom young honey wants to come and drive me around and take care of me in my old age..... LOL

As Red Green says, "we're all in this together". People owe it to themselves and others to stop when it's right and people owe it to themselves and others to say hey, you shouldn't be driving anymore.
jel48
13 years ago
I forget how old my mom was when she stopped driving. She had driven to church one day and was leaving there, heading out of the parking lot on a downhill slope. She had a little fender bender and went off the other side of the street she was trying to pull on to. She never wanted to drive after that. My brother-in-law talked with the town police (small town) and they told him that her tire tracks indicated she had stepped on the gas instead of the brake (she thought she had stepped on the brake and couldn't understand why her car had shot across the street and off the other side like that). After that, one of my sisters who lived close to Mom, drove her everywhere she wanted to go. We were lucky to have had it so easy and not had anyone get hurt during the process.
jannie
13 years ago
In my state (New York) if you are stopped by a cop and he suspects any medical issues may be impairing your driving, you'll get a letter in the mail saying you must get your doctor to fill out a form regarding your ability to drive. If you ignore it, your drivers license is suspended. Hubby (who has Multiple Sclerosis) ran a stop sign, cop saw and wrote him a ticket. DH mentioned his MS, cop chatted him up and asked what medications he takes. He paid the ticket but then got a letter as above. I, on the other hand, was rushing at 5 am to get to the hospital for my kidney dialysis, had an accident, taken to hospital, where they said I'd suffered a mild concussion. I was home in three days, but I got a similar letter. My doctor said I had medical problems, but my driving was not affected. I still have my license. DH lost his, so I'm driving for both of us these days.
wanda_va
13 years ago
My father is almost 89 and still driving. But he is still a very good and cautious driver. My brother and I know that his driving days are numbered, simply because of his age, but we are dreading the day that he has to surrender his keys. To him, driving affords him his independence; when he can longer drive, we will probably have to make different living arrangements for him--and he doesn't want to leave the house that he and my dear mother bought in 1957.
tammyms
13 years ago
I too went through this. Not easy at all to deal with, especially with an older adult that refuses to see any problem with their driving.

The first thing we did was to disable the car... removed a part. It gave us time to figure out what we would do next. Illegal or not, didn't matter to us. Protecting our loved one and the public is what mattered.

Do whatever you need to do. It is not the coward's way
out. Good luck!

Tammy
alisande
Original Author
13 years ago
Thank you all for sharing your tips and experiences. It's definitely a tough situation, and I was grateful that I never had to face it with my dad, a true "car person" who bought his last car for himself on his 89th birthday.

As for my friend, I've observed more than once that married couples have the advantage of "checks and balances;" that is, a spouse can have a dampening effect on less-than-rational ideas and actions. So I'm thinking that if my friend had a husband, he would have plenty to say about this situation--especially the part where she gets into the car with her mother at the wheel.

Our car keys are our keys to independence. I live where there's no public transportation, and it's painful to think of being without a car. For the past 14 years I've had two, and I hope it stays that way for a good long time.

I wonder what people did before cars? I'm guessing they never had to give up their horses, no matter how crazily they rode. :-)

When there's an elderly dangerous driver in the family

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When there's an elderly dangerous driver in the family

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