Here goes. Last weekend I spied something at the pawn shop that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled.) I bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sixed Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it it a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adeqate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out- way too cool! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the dam thing and pushed the button..... Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing !! I do love a little fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so! Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeee... I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to my wife whatt he burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, etc. etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet pup, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger. I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time. So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, tazer in the other. The directions said that: A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water... All the while I'm looking at this LITTLE device (measuring about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way -- trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I was sitting there alone, the dog looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?) I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight - always 20/20. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. (Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY ****** !!!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. The dog was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a tazer, one note of caution.... There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by violent thrashing about on the floor. Then if you're lucky, you won't jam one of the prongs 1/2 inch deep in your thigh like yours truly. SON-OF-A-BISQUIT- EATER that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there?? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching... and I swear I smelled burning flesh and hair.. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way has anyone seen my testicles? I think they rolled away. I'm offering a reward. They're round rather large. Miss'em.... sure would like to get'em back. It's good to know that the wife will be safe from stupid assailants..... --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi Liz - Yes, I'm sort of making my own botanical garden. The two main flower gardens total 3000 square feet. I plan to establish about 150 - 250 different types of flowers there and those will end up being personal nursery stock and seed farm plants to use to expand out to other parts of our land. It should also give me plenty of flowers to fuss over and enjoy. We'll also be using tire gardens as nursery beds for plants that need richer soil or better water retention than they can get in the main garden. Outside of the main garden the next places to colonize with flowers have less hospitable growing conditions, but the tougher plants should be able to grow there if transplants go in at the right time (before seasonal rains) or if direct sown really heavily. Those areas are another 3000 sq ft section of slope along our driveway, a 10,000 sq ft plot of hillside outside of our fenced "goatland" area, and a 1000 x 20 swatch of road frontage and rock outcroppings (also outside of goatland.) But the ultimate master plan is to seed farm enough seed to direct sow heavily in our 15 acre fenced goatland area and have sufficient seed so that there's a chance that at least a couple of plants reach flowering stage before the goats eat them. This year I have an additional 40,000 or so seeds (beyond the 42,000+ WS seeds) that I'll direct sow into goat land. Next winter and in Spring 2010 I want to be able to have buckets and buckets full of flower seed to direct sow out there. I like the idea of the goats and cow strolling through hills full of posies. :) As crazy as it sounds, it's actually going to be cheaper than buying and sowing plain old pasture grass seed. A lot more work, maybe, but that personal botanical garden will make it all worth it. I think that long term my personal botanical garden is going to be made up of lots of perennials and then whatever annuals do really well with WS methods (both January and April/May sowings). Any plant that needs more fuss than that is likely to get replaced with someone who's more agreeable. In upcoming years I expect my WS numbers to drop off quite a bit but my seed saving amounts to go utterly crazy. Confining the sowing and planting out to Winter and early Spring ~should~ leave me time to actually enjoy the flowers. It should be cool if it works! And if it doesn't I'll just fill my garden with four o'clocks, comos, zinnias and white marigolds and enjoy it anyway. I think it's going to work, though. Lynda

Good one!! Wish I had a gynecologist friend to share it with! lol

and I thought it was really funny. Since I had opened the disgusted and gone post, I had to open SamKaren's. But, I am not reading all the responses. Sam, I just want you to know, I love your post. I wish, someone had gotten me. :) Moni