Oh dear, I would be livid!!!!!

I'm so sorry.

Gosh, I am so sorry. I know I would be very upset. Maybe he is just bored, not that that is any excuse. Could you try to do more things together, go out on more dates?

I was shocked at first when I read what he posted. I have tried everything I can think of. I exercise and eat right so I am very healthy. I have never turned him down when it comes to being intimate (although he has plenty of excuses why it doesn't happen). He has his romantic moments but they are few and far between. As for me...I am the one who leaves the little notes, suggests things for date nights, etc. i truly believe he just likes having me around because he knows I am loyal to a fault.

Have to log off but will write more about this.

Nieve

Wow I'm sorry about that. Maybe he hasn't carried out more than internet stuff and you two can overcome this thru counseling or whatever.

Nieve just make up your mind if he is worth hanging on to. Your posts sound so much like my life... only, I never found him dating online. He just flirted all over the place, so much that friends told him he acted like a slut.

I decided hanging on someplace like that wasn't worth it anymore, and left after 38 years and 4 days.

My divorce happened on May 10.

All that's left is selling the house and splitting that, tossing the brick that was engraved with both of our names with a heart in the middle in to a river, lake or pond, and eventually picking up the pieces when our daughters get disappointed by him too.

Mine is getting married at the end of the year. Didn't take him long to find a replacement.

Me, I am still in limbo, till I get me a place of my own. Just today my divorce degree finally showed up. Went out to dinner with a girl friend, and celebrated.

Life is good.

Moni.. wishing you the BEST!

Best to you Moni and you held on a lot longer than some would.

Nievette,
I understand that you are not looking for advice, so fair warning if you want to scroll on by my post.
You may want to consider making screen prints and or electronic screen captures of the posts you are describing, then store them somewhere safe.
You may at some point find the situation to be untenable and you may wish to have this proof of the postings. Better yet, go speak to the best divorce lawyer in town, just to understand what you need to do to protect yourself now.
Finally, I would make an appointment with my doctor, for a full STD screening.Consider if you want to live with the threat of contracting something down the line.
My heart goes out to you.

I found out since Ive been doctoring for most of my life who loves you and who dont...It wasnt who I thought either.That really hurts.
I always told him you get another woman Do not think youll come back,when your fun is over.A friend of mine married 47 years he left her for another woman,Id kill him.

Do not look to your self for the reason why, you are NOT the reason why, HE is the reason why! He is the one with the problem, your weight and health and exercising, you need to do for YOU not HIM he has proved he has other interests.
It is so wrong for you to be looking for the fault in yourself. You are not at fault here.

I agree document every single thing because you have no idea what could happen in the future and you need to think of yourself now, you need to be able to live and survive. The medical aspect is the big worry here. No way could I ever consider an intimate relationship ever again not knowing where IT has been.

If he doesn't love you, I say let him go. Get a good divorce lawyer and get as much (financially) as you can. My friend Patty got divorced, she got full sole custody of their daughter, their house and car (and "he" had to make the payments.) She did not get alimony or child support but she soon found a new boyfriend. They are now engaged. I am so sorry this happened.

Of course I mean I'm sorry your husband is not faithful, not that my friend is engaged. Just an example to show you it's not all sadness ahead. Let us know how you are doing.

MEN !!!! I am so sorry this has happen. I have no advice for you, everyone has to handle this in their own way.
(((((nievette ))))))))

Get your ducks all in a row! Be sure and make copies of all of the letters you find on the dating site so you will have proof because he would probably go to his grave denying all he's saying...that's just how people are! I agree about the STD testing because he's probably messing around. You don't want to have sex with someone that's out catching some incurable STD! UGH!

I'd do as all the others have suggested(getting things in writing, Dr appointment, legal advice)
Would you consider confronting him with the evidence in hand and asking him what is going on? It could be a mid life crisis and he's just testing the waters or it could be he's thinking of leaving. Only you can decide where you want to go from here. A good friend of mine told me "don't threaten to leave unless you are prepared to actually do it". Can you support yourself without his financial assistance, divorce can be long and drawn out if you go that route.
Make you pro/con list and think everything through VERY carefully.
Best of luck to you.
Keep us informed, we have lots of shoulders to cry on here.

Diane

I really feel bad for you, sorry you're going through this....My daughter, after 28 years, filed for divorce and is going through much the same as Moni....She said, she no longer could take the verbal abuse, the controlling the unhappiness....It was a major shock, she hadn't told any of us what she was going through...Of course, he got violent, threatened and she had to file a PFA, he still can't admit he's done anything wrong and that's a major problem...He has a 6 figure job and has hidden assets and is making life miserable to say the least...But, she does have some ammunition, she was downloading pictures from an old camera and came across nude pictures he had taken of himself at his hunting camp...Pictures, complete with the dates taken and it was dates, she was at work...She has made copies, given them to her attorney and if necessary, will use them and in the end, send them to all his friends and family that think she is such a monster for leaving him....
So, make sure you do as others have advised, document everything and keep them in a safe place....
Good luck, you have to think of yourself and your future.....

Wow, what a thing to have to keep inside!

Take a deep breath, and let it out slowly. (((Hugs)))

Dances.

The sad thing is for some reason he is putting energy into a new relationship when if he put the same effort into his marriage he would get back the initial feelings of "in love". Sadder yet, if he moves forward and does end up leaving you he will be as bored as he is now with in five years. It is a fact. It sounds like you are already doing what you can to not take him for granted and let him know how you cherish him. Does he watch movies, does he like fire fighters? There is a movie about this sort of thing..the Firefighter I think it is called. He may see himself. I wouldn't let it continue. Right now he is dabbling...if he "falls" for someone he will leave and that is so not worth all the upheaval it will cause.

The other thing to consider is if he was hiding this just what else is he hiding? There can be a lot to consider, money, assets, has he set up another bank account you do not know about, an apartment, etc. He could be already stashing away to make his move. So you really need to consider these things. If you are not taking steps of your own you could end up with nothing.
I had a friend that went through just that, her husband had started doing the same thing online sites and meeting women, apparenlty had done it for some time, he at the same time had opened a new account at a different bank and had been putting part of his income there, when it hit the fan he immediately took all the money out of their account put it in his and left. She could not even pay the bills or buy food for the kids. Men just lose their minds it seems. He had set it all up for when she found out he could just walk away with the money and other assets. Of course then all the money got hidden away.
She has struggled so hard to make a living and support the 2 children and he continued to be an A$$.

(((((Nieve))))) I hope you'll find the strength, determination and courage to do what you feel is best for your life and well being in this situation. A happy marriage takes Love, Respect and Trust from both partners, otherwise it is just a civil contract. Please make sure you have a good attorney to help you know and understand the law of that civil contract and the consequences of your partner defaulting on that contract.

LIL

I don't think I'd want to waste my life in a marriage with a man who didn't love me with all his heart.

I wouldn't stay with him just because I didn't want to be alone. You're worth more than that.

I wish the best for you.

Please read with ravencajun has written and then read it over and over! I have heard of this happening to so many women it's unreal, after many years of marriage the husband just goes crazy and cleans out all the money and goes and lives with their new girlfriend. Often times they will turn their children against their mothers and tell them them that they(mother) were the ones that were unfaithful when really nothing could be further from the truth. They just go crazy!

Hugs to you, nievette.

Make sure you have your ducks in a row, get the STD screening, have a bank account in your name only, etc., just in case. Look out for yourself.

And remember it isn't you, it's him. Some men just can't be faithful to anyone.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Lots of excellent advice given to you here. Vent away!

You said that he is not aware of your findings and that he has mentioned to others that he is not in love with you. Has he ever told you that? Who is he telling this to?

And you joined the KT for the first time on July 8 just to share this with strangers? Could you explain that a little, please? (You see, we've been 'abused' before.)

chisue I too had that very thought I have seen the forum trolls do similar things, I am hoping this is not the case but we do have to consider that possibility.

in some cases however it could be a long time member that created an alias so as not to expose her real identity...

DOCUMENT everything,get some money hidden for yourself,and prepare for who-knows-what may come yet

Been there,done that-had the 30+ yrs in too....and have suffered financially ever since.

The meathead,who used to be known here at the KT as The Old Lad,is now remarried(ha ha ha)and living with a $1300/month mortgage...and dontcha just know,back when I wanted us to sell our family home and move on to more of a life 10 yrs ago,he didnt want a mortgage when he was 50...lol...

Trust me girl,and all the other posters b4 me....take care of you,cuz he might still "love" you,but when push come to shove,(and after giving of yourself every way imaginable for your adult lifetime),especially financially,they arent long "falling out of any sort of love".

Oh and be sure to clear your history whenever you have been here..no need for him to find out that you know anything yet

I'm sorry, nievette.

You might gather up the financial records & talk to a legal & financial counsellor.

If you've been a homemaker for 40 years, you may not want to take some of the "pitch his *#%$ out into the street" advice (although it does sound appropriate) until you know for sure that pitching him out won't sever your income & retirement & put you in the street as well.

Meanwhile, as someone said, do get tested for sexually-transmitted disease including HIV, have only safe sex with him if you have sex with him at all, & get tested again in 6 months.

I wish you the best.

I am sorry you are going through this, and I can understand your need to tell someone. You've gotten some wonderful advice in this post...advice that you really should consider.

I have a dear friend whose DH "fell in love" with another woman; he gave her everything--mortgaged the house, cleared out the bank accounts, etc. After his "love" got all the money, she told him she was married and never loved him at all--she just wanted his money. He learned that she had done that to other men, but he had no legal recourse since he gave her the money with no strings attached.

Then he actually had the b*lls to come crawling back to my friend. What was even crazier was that she took him back for the sake of their daughter. Within 2 years, his eyes starting roving and she kicked him out. Within a year, she met and married a terrific guy and has lived happily ever after.

Good luck, and we are here when you want to talk. Hugs!

Thank you everyone. I have actually been a lurker here for quite some time but I knew deep down that you would be loving and thoughtful if I let go of this secret.

I had a feeling "something" was up. Just an instinct perhaps of the "little" things. So I started checking....his phone, his emails and even found his site at the service. He states there that he is "values intelligence and depth over beauty". hhhmmmm

I have written down the phone numbers and made copies of the emails and have them in a safe spot. My computer resets itself everytime you turn it off so there is no record of when I come here. I do know when he is online though. I position the computer in a certain way and if it is moved I know.

As for financial....well I am charging him for every email, phone call and text that he sends. i am in charge of the finances so when I go to the bank I just take out a little extra and have it hidden.

I am not worried about any STD's because we have not done "it" in 3 years. Oh...he will say "want to fool around" but I know it isn't going to happen. I actually don't even care about sex anymore. of course he is out of luck because having gone through the whole menopause thing it would be safe now to have really great sex....his loss.

I will keep you posted on things. You have no idea how much I appreicate you being there for me.

Nieve

It seems to me that your husband is feeling lost or not connected and acting foolishly. That doesn't necessarily mean that he does any thing more than chat with these people. Perhaps he'd like to get caught. After all, he must know in this day and age, that spouses can look at your history. If it were me I'd sit down and say "we need to talk" and depending on the result I'd make a decision. I know that sounds so easy and I've never been through it but do you want to spend you years with someone who is deceitful?

I would think that three years without sex would pretty much make someone feel like there wasn't much of a marriage anymore. It kind of becomes a friendship and not a marriage, you become room mates and no longer lovers leading to the thought that you love them but you are no longer in love. Of course scr*wing around on someone is never the answer but it happens a lot. Especially the man's been married for 30 years, he doesn't want to be alone so he's hunting for a new model before he trades in the old model. I'm not trying to mean and this is a very terrible thing to happen to anyone but maybe some counseling would help. Marriage counseling I mean.

I tell ya, Mother Nature also plays mean tricks on us women...I've realized that pretty much everything that goes on with our bodies is related to having babies and once we reach menopause we no longer can have babies so therefore, why have sex so then our bodies tell us we don't want to have sex anymore...next thing you know our husbands are finding younger women that still want to have sex! UGH!!!!!!!!!!!

There is a lot of good food for thought in the posts above.

I found the article at the link below very interesting, and it also might help you some too.

I wish you well. Look out for # 1, and don't be a doormat, but give 'things' a chance.

Here is a link that might be useful: Is the Grass Greener on the Other Side of the Fence?

Nieve

Doesn,t matter if you are new here or not. You post to your hearts content because we are here for you.

Hugs
Samkaren
Your resident dj

"I am not worried about any STD's because we have not done "it" in 3 years. Oh...he will say "want to fool around" but I know it isn't going to happen. "

Maybe instead of looking for other women he should look for a good doctor.

I would be livid, and very much hurt if I found that out about my DH.

I hope things work out for you.

Arkansas girl....

I had to laugh...and tell you ...I'm 66 and my body has never told me I didn't want sex anymore....am I missing something...????lol

Then I would say to you pattico that you have been very fortunate!