Right now, the pain is very fresh for everyone. Perhaps you could tell your sister that you love her very much, but that you and your husband need some time to adjust to her new relationship before coming for a visit. Time tends to diminish pain and your husband may not be so adamant in his rejection of your sister after her ex-husband moves on in his life and is happy again.

I absolutely would not expect (encourage, push, whatever) my husband to see her. He's an adult and has every right to his feelings.

I wonder, too, if you have children? If I were in your shoes, and had children, I certainly WOULD NOT want them to in any way shape or form think what this woman did was morally right. So I wouldn't allow my children to visit under any circumstances.

Now, obviously, you do still want a relationship with your sister. I'd do that on my terms. Our visits would happen one of 2 ways--either we (just she and I) would meet somewhere in the middle--for dinner or an overnight stay at a hotel, or I'd go to her area, but would stay in a hotel. I don't think it's necessary to sleep under her roof to see her and catch up. Keeping a little distance, will, in the longrun, I think, keep things much more civil and less awkward for both of you.

I would just want to keep things friendly but 'arms length' for the time being (and you really cannot do that if you're staying in her home). Just too uncomfortable a situation, and too much of a chance of it ending up in some sort of an explosion.

Your husband is a grown man and entitled to his own feelings and opinions; and you should not even think about forcing other feelings or opinions on him. And there's no reason in the world why your husband and soon-to-be former brother-in-law can't remain friends and continue to do things together.

I'd honestly be very surprised if the relationship between your sister and her old-now-new boyfriend doesn't soon fall apart. Spend time with her if you must, but I wouldn't go overboard to spend any time with him.

Lindsey and Azzalea are right. She is your sister and how you two work out your relationship relationship is between the two of you.

She did the leaving and chose the old flame over her family and children. I am doubtful that she will find her happiness this way also. But all are adults and everyone makes their choice. She made the choice to leave an apparently good man for a fling and others have the choice whether to accept her or not.

I agree with the others. NO way would I go visit in his house. I probably would be more verbal with my sister, telling her she needs some counseling etc. A situation like this can destroy a family. You mentioned that all the children were over 19, but the marriage was 17 years so are these his or her children, and have you talked to them> I am sure they have mixed feelings too.

I agree with Lindsey that this may not be a lasting thing. I'd step back from being drawn into her *affair* for at least six months. Tell her you have been shocked and need time. Yes, she is your sister, but you don't endorse her rash and selfish behavior.

Surely you would put your DH before her.

Is she entirely *well*? Have you seen this sort of behavior in her before? (A mid-life crisis isn't just a male disorder!)

I would NOT go to visit them.

I would give it a good long "breathing" space because I doubt this will last. I would tell her I love her but at this juncture it is quite uncomfortable for you and your family. If this does take then a year from now things might be able to be discussed with less friction involved.
I agree that there's hotels / motels every where!

I have no advise......my DD had been with her SO for 18 years+ and called last week to tell me she had moved out.
She found some high school girlfriends on Facebook and says she needs her "freedom" to to out with her exSO questioning her.
It breaks my heart. "M" is a wonderful guy and is a part of our family.
I can't help but worry about her but know she is an adult and I have no control over what she does.
I hope things work out well for you and your sister.
Keep her in your heart but do what your think is right for you and your family.

Sometimes you have to divorce family members

There's always more to the story....

Your sister will always be your sister. The guy she likes or wants to be with shouldn't be your choice. Your husband at some point should probably visit your sister and her new man even is he likes her old guy better.

Her choice in men is her choice. I was never able to pick my choice in a mate for my siblings, and they didn't get to pick my choice in a husband. They also don't get to decide if I divorce or remarry, and I don't get to decide that for them.

You don't have to like it or agree with it. You can voice your opinion and you can remain friends with her X and even dislike her new man (if you get to know him and think you should). But, she is your sister; go visit her (unless you really don't want to see her and then, I guess, don't).

Ending a marriage is not an unusual thing. We can not force people to stay together. I personally try to remember there are 2 sides to every story, I never just blame one party for the break up.

Your husband has rights, let him make his own decisions with no pressure. I would play it cool with your sister, I think meeting at a halfway point would be an excellent way to keep in touch.

another who thinks azzalea has suggested the best plan...

dare i ask if she's extended an invite to her own children, or are they "too old" for her new lifestyle...i'm certainly glad they're all older..if she'd done that to younger kids i don't know if i could ever visit...

Wow, that is so sad. I would definitely not go visit her and the new boyfriend. I would also tell her that while she may be "happy" now, she's left behind a lot of people who are shocked and very hurt by what she's done, and it's going to take time. Sounds like she is blinded by the excitement of her new-found flame.

Very, very sad. I get how marriages can fall apart, and I get that people can fall out of love etc. but I don't get having an affair. It is dishonest, disreptful and just plain wrong on every level.
I think that is what your DH is reacting to. Added to the fact that he is friends with the BIL. And this same BIL raised your sister's kids!
Don't do any deciding right now or think too far ahead. As others have stated, this might not last.
Your sister needs to understand that it is the way she handled her situation is why others are reacting in the way they are.
Another vote for visiting your sister yourself. But only if YOU want to. You can stay in touch by texting and telephone calls instead. Where is it written in stone that you have to visit in person and her new boyfriend?
Bleh, Facebook!!!

Thank you everyone for responding to my long post.
Unfortunately, DH and I are on an extremely tight budget, and I cannot afford to stay in a motel if I visit my sister, who lives 5 hours away.

azzalea, I am not even attempting to persuade my DH in any way to visit my sister, but I was wondering how to go about letting her know she won't be seeing him any more (they previously got along really well) as far as I can foresee.

My children are in their twenties, and we are all absolutely shocked and completely against my sister's actions. DH sent my brother-in-law an email to let him know this. However, my kids grew up loving their Aunt all their lives, and like myself, cannot see themselves permanently estranging her from their lives either, despite their disgust and disappointment about this.

chisue, we all feel that perhaps she IS suffering a mid life crisis and the flattering attention from another guy may have confused her into feeling she's 'found something better' than the relationship she had with her husband.

marie-ndcal, unfortunatley, no one could convince my sister to go for marriage counselling or slow things down a bit, so now we all just have to decide how to deal with the situation. The children are all hers, so they are her DH's stepchildren. They are very upset and disappointed with their mother's behaviour, but obviously they love their mother, so none of them are willing to disown her.

As some of you advised, I think I will let her know I can't consider visiting at this time (or having her visit) because we are all still shocked by everything. This will buy some time before I'll have to tell her that she might not ever see my DH again as she is no longer welcome in our house because of his feelings about her now. Maybe when my brother-in-law is able to move on and hopefully find some new happiness, my DH will consider allowing her to visit. That is my hope, as it seems impossible to me that I would never have my sister visit my home again.

I would go visit my sister alone. I wouldn't tell her that my husband never wants anything to do with her again because feelings change. I respect your husband for standing up for what is right and letting her know that this behavior is unacceptable to him. Maybe if more of us did that,maybe people would think twice about destroying a marriage.

She's moving in with this guy after only 6 weeks??
An old flame from eons ago she finds on facebook?
Something's wrong with both of them. Can't wait to
see how this one plays out. I say she's home with her
husband in less then 3 months... if he'll take her back.
Stay civil.. she's your sister.

If you cannot afford a hotel room (and if the gas for the trip would be a major hit to the budget), that gives you a big out for going to see her in the near future. If and when you do decide to get together, meet her for lunch halfway in the middle--that way you each only have to drive 2.5 hours each way, and you can both be back to your own homes by dinnertime. That's not too bad.

Whatever you do, don't talk yourself into staying in her home, just because it's financially convenient. It will be SUCH an uncomfortable situation.

I do agree with those who have said there's no reason to dump on your sister the fact that your husband want's nothing to do with her. This is definitely a situation that's going to go through probably many more changes in the next year, on all fronts. Definitely the kind of thing where you don't want to volunteer more information than absolutely necessary.

There is one thing, though--and it's another reason why it would be a good idea NOT to stay in the house. It's hard to mention this to you, because you probably don't want to hear it, won't believe it's a possibility, but it's a good idea to keep in the back of your mind. When those around us make sudden, seemingly irrational, out-of-character life changes, there is the possibility that there's something more going on. Sometimes that 'something' is drugs. And sometimes, when that's the case, our loved ones make decisions that not only hurt themselves, but sometimes choose to hurt those around them. Look, I said it was a hard pill to swallow--I know how hard. When we had someone start doing increasingly odd things, even when they were stealing from us and other family members, we weren't able to believe it at all. It took a LOT for us to finally see what the problem was. I'm not suggesting you jump to any conclusions, nor that you confront your sister--just that you keep a tiny door in your mind open, while you keep your eyes open to see if there's any possibility this is the situation. If you find it is? Then you do need to distance yourself--the first thing drugs destroy is the person's conscience and they become a danger to all who love them, in so many different ways (Our relative stole well over a half million $$$ from family members, there's some suspician that she may have had a hand in a couple of family member's deaths so she could get her hands on their property and money.... and we didn't see it until it was too late to really help most of the victims)

There are two sides to every story. I'm not saying your sister is right, but noone really knows what goes on in a marriage except the husband and wife. Your sister strayed for a reason. It might not be a good reason, but the reason was there none the less.

I am thinking this through as if it were my own sister, who I am very close to. I could not cut her out of my life. However, I would visit her on my own and be there to pick up the pieces when this new life fizzles.

I'd stay put right niw.....talk via Facebook...or phone. I'm wondering....does HE have an ex-wife and family? More money and a big home seems to be important to her.......let her see how unimportant they are without those who are close to you.

I know of a really good friend who did almost exactly as your sister is about to do/and has done so far-she WILL regret it-in time-bank on it-and tell her I said so

OK, so I'm nosey. What broke up her romance with 'the old flame' in the past?

I met several hundred birth mothers through my work with Truth Seekers in Adoption. After reunion with their surrendered children and contact with the birthfathers, some couples fell in love all over again. Sometimes of it was recognizing a true love now that they were adult enough to handle it. Some saw a chance to 're-do' a hauntingly sad episode. Some were thrilled by revisiting Youth.

ellendi, your post is spot on. It is the way my sister is handling everything, not the fact that her marriage is over, that is the huge bone of contention. We all love my brother in law dearly, but as other posters mention, marriages fail and no one can know exactly what happens inside some elses marriage.

But my brother in law has been an amazing step father to her 4 children for 17 years, so it is very disappointing to us that my sister did not choose to let him know that her feelings were changing, so they could have perhaps tried at least a few months of marriage counselling to see if that would make a difference.

Instead, she engaged in an affair behind his back, then completely dismissed her children's pleas to get off the phone with her new love and spend some time talking with them, so they could express their thoughts and worries to her. Her eldest daughter racked up a gigantic phone bill, calling me long distance, sobbing her heart out. She is worried her mother might be ruining her life by leaving her husband to move in within 6 weeks, with a guy she only dated for 6 weeks, when she was in her young 20's.

chisue, I recently learned that the reason she broke up with her old flame years ago was because he was married at the time. I don't know if he was unwilling to leave his wife for her, or if my sister's conscience helped to her back away from the relationship. I have no idea if his wife ever found out about them or not. I told myself that she was much younger then, but it was still very disillusioning to hear.

Our families are very intertwined. We visit back and forth about 10 times a year, basically every long weekend and for a week at Christmas and in the summer when we each take vacations. The cousins are extremely close as well, so not having our two families get together as we have enjoyed all these years will be a huge change in the dynamics of our extended family relationship. So sad.

She needs to be reminded, if they do it with you, they will do it to you!

Oh, this is so very sad.

It is very possible to love someone though, and show it, with authenticity and clarity about your real true feelings. This way, you don't have to worry about sending a "validating" message by being loving.

It sounds something like this. "I want to tell you I love you no matter what. I hope to continue growing our relationship. You also need to know that I am hurt by your actions, and I don't agree with the way you have gone about things. I'm not ready to be as impulsive as you have been about inviting this man into my life. So for the time being, I will maintain my connection with you, without him. I naturally feel a compassion for your estranged husband, and feel it would be disrespectful to him to replace him so quickly. Now, let's meet for lunch and talk about other things. I love you." Something like that. To go to the house, and act as if everything is normal, is to betray your own reality.

Very helpful post, Amyfiddler. Really separates things. Good of you to offer it.

She's still your sister, and a divorce or her bad judgement in men won't change that. Your husband is an adult and can see her or not. Try not to be so judgemental, divorces happen. Keep in touch with her.

I'd be ready to pick up the pieces when this falls apart. I expect that that will be sooner than later.

Big can of worms, isn't it? I'm sad for her kids, but then again, it may just give a stronger relationship between her kids and her husband.

She obviously doesn't have a problem changing partners, she's done it before, she's doing it now and anyone who thinks she won't do it again... need I finish?

At the same time, I think your husband is overreacting a bit too. Partners change. Like it or not, it happens, but it doesn't mean the extended family has to break up with it. The husband should still be invited and should still attend family affairs. He's been a good father and husband from the way it sounds, is popular, so why should he be cut out?

As for seeing the new guy, are you ready to condemn him without meeting him? And it's wrong for your husband to cut him out because your sister is being a skank. He could wind up with 2 little brothers. Make up your mind by who and what he is - otherwise you're worse than anything she's done or contemplating.

Why should you feel so bad about going to the house for a couple hours? That makes no sense. You still care about your sister. Are you really ready to cut her out of your life? Doesn't sound like it. Going into their house isn't exactly signing a pact with Satan so don't let the exaggerations and hyperbole ruin your relationship with your sister.

With the kids all adults, let's be realistic. If something comes up in her life she doesn't owe her kids to be at their beck and call 24/7 every week of every month. I certainly am not defending what she did, but in fairness, had she done something else solely for herself and didn't dote over the kids for 6 weeks, people probably would not just forgive her but encourage her. She'll probably regret it tremendously and will deserve being snubbed by her husband if/when she crawls back.

Don't know the ages of your kids but if they're mid teens and above, there's no way you should be prohibiting them from talking to a relative without a pretty good reason.

If funds are tight, I wouldn't make a special trip and she shouldn't expect you to make one. You can stay in contact by phone, email, text or set up Yahoo Instant Messenger, Skype or something and you can see each other by video. She can show off the house if she wants and you approve. If she wants and you don't approve, say so. You can say not now, I'd rather see and talk to you. Considering how everyone is in shock a little distance can be fine, but I'd be cautious about talking myself or others into executing her just yet. It's still early in the situation.

Good luck to all.

All good points cynic. But, I think what I am reacting to is the disrepect issue. Pickyshoppers sister and DH have been married for 17 years! He helped raise her children.
The whirl wind rush of it all, has everyone in a tailspin.
They are all in shock mode right now.
Can picky still love her sister but not respect her?

Picky's sister was probably unhappy for a very long time. It seems unlikely that someone would leave a happy long marriage so abruptly.
The sad part is that she did not reach out and get counseling with DH first.

You have been given great advice by everyone so I can add nothing more, except to say that I found it interesting that your sister's first relationship with this man was while he was married.

It sounds like a lot of people have a lot of opinions about someone else's marriage/relationship.

"no one really knows what goes on in a marriage except the husband and wife."

Repeat this to yourself 7 times a day, & remind yourself to stay out of it.

cynic, I didn't quite understand when you wrote "The husband should still be invited and should still attend family affairs. He's been a good father and husband...so why should he be cut out?" My sister's husband would certainly be free to attend any family get togethers in our home. It is my SISTER who my husband will not invite to our home any more, because he lost all respect for her, due to her treatment of her children, during all this. It is his achilles heel, as he feels a parent should always set good examples for their children, even if they are grown. I do too, but she is my sister and I'll never estrange myself from her.

My DH certainly gets that, "she doesn't owe her kids to be at their beck and call 24/7..." However, we were receiving multiple phone calls almost every day from them, telling us that my sister was staying in her bedroom the entire day and night (she doesn't work) on her cell phone and IPad with her new guy, and only coming out to grab something to eat. Apparently she wasn't taking phone calls from her eldest child, and shouted through the bedroom door (to the 3 who still live at home) to leave her alone and stop trying to talk to her, because she was talking with her 'soulmate' and didn't need to hear any of their questions or concerns.

Keep in mind, she only knew him for 6 weeks, over 25 years ago and had recently only been seeing him for a few weeks when she decided to end her marriage and move in with him. That is happening this weekend, at just more than 6 weeks from their 'reconnection.' My sister loves her kids with all her heart, but sadly, she has never been one who puts her own needs/wants behind those of her children.

If you reread my posts, you will see I am not condemning her new guy at all, he could be a wonderful man, and I'm sure I'll form an opinion when I visit my sister and get to know him. My husband isn't condemning him either, or 'cutting him out' but it seems unlikely they will ever meet each other, since DH no longer wants a relationship with my sister.

My children are in their 20's and DH and I are certainly not 'prohibiting' them from talking to or visting my sister, whom they love very much. I'm sure they will, once their cousins can re-establish their own relationships with their mother, which were damaged by her refusal to speak with them about her warp speed decisions.

sylviatexas, I WISH we could stay out of it and let some time pass. But my sister keeps calling and trying to get me to come visit her soon. She doesn't understand that she needs to work on her relationship with her kids, before she invites other family members to come calling. She's in one heck of a hurry to get us all on board with her new partner, considering it's been less than 2 months from her announcing she was ending her marriage, to her moving in with him.

ellendi, again, you understood exactly what I was trying to express. My sister's kids had an amazing step father for 17 years, and they feel their mom owed him the decency of letting him know if she was not feeling the love anymore, rather than just stepping out behind his back with someone else. This came as a HUGE shock to him and all the rest of us, as she has always sung his praises so freely. They have always struggled financially, so we can't help but wonder if her new guy would be just as appealing if he couldn't offer the well to do lifestyle that she hasn't had with her husband.

Her children begged her to slow down and not see the new guy for just a few weeks, so she could consider things more carefully before ending a long marriage to move in with a man about whom she knows so little. But she said she wasn't willing to have no contact with him, even for a few days. So I'm just praying things will work out for her, and she won't have damaged so many relationships for a quick flash in the pan.

I suggest that when your sister starts in on you to come visit, you might say that topic is not up for discussion now, and that you will bring it up when YOU are ready. I would also not be around too much for her calls. She is much too busy trying, as you say, to 'get you all on board' with this situation. Let her just live with this guy *without* your endorsement for a while. You can't help her just gloss over this selfish -- really irrational-sounding -- behavior.

Where are your sister's children that still lived at home? Did she leave them with their stepfather? This would tell all of us a lot about your sister.. I've seen this happen before and it rarely ends well.. I would not allow my sister to push me into going to see her. You do have a say in your part of it..

chisue and suzie, don't worry, I don't plan to visit my sister until I am ready, and that won't be until she has mended her relationship with her children and probably lived with her new partner at least until Christmas, if not longer.

susie, 2 of the 3 kids that still lived at home have actually moved into the new guy's house with her, this weekend. The other one is moving in with his married sister, until he can find an apartment. The 2 who moved with her expressed to their stepfather that they are not looking forward to leaving their home and feel very awkward at moving into the other guy's house, when his relationship with their mother is so new. But they love their mother and obviously don't want to hurt her by refusing to go with her.

They are great kids, so I'm just hoping the new guy wasn't just being charming to my sister when he told her she was welcome to have her kids move in with them. I guess time will tell.

Yes picky, time will tell. Keep us posted if you need a "shoulder".