I have to assume with him being 61 that they've been married for a long time, so why is this a problem "now"? She can't handle him? Why has she stayed with him? Sounds to me like she is trying to kill him and maybe that is her way out.

Since she didn't ask for your help, my advice would be to just stay out of things.

They have been married a long time. She was a teacher for 35 years. I think for the first 25 years of his abuse she was in denial. She only started to admit the problem about 15 years ago.
She won't divorce him because she knows he would drink himself to death in a few days. She feels sorry for him. She is not trying to kill him. She felt that if she gave him the booze herself she could better control the amount he drinks. She said she gives him a big glass of ice and water and a small amount of Vodka.
Donna

My 58 year old BIL died this spring after the effects of his alcoholism finally caught up to him. Now my husband is on his own trying to run a business - they were partners. His wife was an enabler, also. I know how difficult it is to get help for someone who doesn't think they need it. BIL finally went to AA and had himself admitted for treatment a couple of times. It's truly a battle. You all have my sympathy and I hope she will look again for counseling. God bless.

My FIL enabled his wife, my husbands stepmother for over 20 years with pain meds. She did have pain, constant from spinal Osteoporosis, even had prescribed morphine patches. But I guess she still would get other pain meds (FIL was pharmassist) She drank too, but I never really noticed (vodka in tomato juice) They lived far away so didn't see them much. He died first so drug connection gone and she took to drinking more, which really made her worse. You can't help getting addicted to some of those pain meds I've heard and build up tolerances. Really there is nothing you can do, just let her and him know you would support him getting clean. But at this age and his poor health he probably figures if he quit it wouldn't make any difference. Its really up to him. Your sister is an enabler but would he even survive detox. She is just trying to make the best of a bad situation. I am sure she feels guilty but she is stuck between a rock and a hard place with that one. What she to do, kick him out until he goes to detox/quits? She probably stresses daily about this, I would just support her and let her know she you care and don't judge her until you walk in her shoes.

Just cruising here while waiting for something....don't often read nor post here but....
I have known and been related to more alcoholics than I even care to remember. That is not atypical behavior. The spouse either enables by ignoring, making excuses or actually helping with the booze consumption. she is as much of an addict as he is. Nothing will change until they decide to make it change.
Of course alanon gave her no support! The kind of support they offered she didn't want to hear.
The sad thing is considering the possibility that she would d8ie before he does....and then you are left with the problem.
Ever consider the possibility that she is a boozer too?
They have destroyed whatever life they might have had. YOU are the one that needs alanon. the basic tenet of alanon is "you can do nothing for the addict until they decide to help themself. So back off, stop making excuses. Stop cleaning up the vomit, stop bailing them out of jail and let them take the consequences of their action."
Easier said than done.
But I do have one friend who is currently about 4 years sober. It took 3 jail sentences, loss if his license twice for 2 years and the loss of a lung. He was 70 when he quit. Good thing because another jail term would kill him.
And his wife enabled and made excuses. I sat in the same room with this obviously drunk man who reeked of alcohol at 11 in the morning while she told me how proud shew as of him for not drinking any more! I saw another friend's husband take her home form a dinner party when she fell face down (literally!) into her plate and said very nicely....she's not feeling well she has had the flu".

My advice is to leave them alone. Tell her that when she decides she needs help you will be glad to help her....but that you won't make yourself miserable with people who don't want to make their life better.
Linda C

Your poor sister is between a rock and a hard place.

One thing is for sure, as you stated, he is not going to stop drinking. If she stops getting it for him, he will find another way, plus there will be hell for her to pay.

There is very little she can do at this point, since she cares enough about him to not leave. Besides his health being so bad, it sounds like he has almost no quality of life.

She can stay with him, and let things go on as they are, or she can leave and let the chips fall where they may.

I imagine that al-anon didn't seem to offer her much support because I think they attempt to help the member see how their loved ones drinking has affected their life, and how to cope. Because your sister has chosen to continue to be his enabler, her life and his will remain as it is...not much of a life for either of them.

Please try to not be upset with your sister. You really don't understand what she has been through, and why she does what she does. He is very sick with alcoholism. It has impacted her life greatly. She cares enough about him to not leave him to drink himself to death.

The best you can do, is just love her and listen. She is doing what she thinks is best, and it very well might be...who knows?

Sue...all to familiar with alcoholism and enablers

Thank you,
I want to add that my sister is a good compassionate person. She loves him and tries so hard to help him. I would not be so nice if it were me. From what her friend said he yells and screams until she gives him booze. He is not mean or violent but without liqour he goes crazy.
She says he does not have car keys or money of his own. (I don't believe that part).
I know I should just let her handle this situation. She is the only family I have left. It's hard to see her go through this by herself.
I am hoping some of you might have some advice on counseling for her or Alonon meeting. She needs someone to help her through this.
Donna

You have all made me feel so much better already. My sister was scared to tell me she was providing the booze. I am one tough cookie and I can really yell when I'm mad. The weird thing was that after I found out she was giving him the booze I was calmer. Maybe I finally had my answer.
You're right, I don't walk in her shoes. I did tell her I didn't agree with what she is doing but it is her choice and I will stay out of it. It's a bad situation. She lives with it everyday.
I just wish she would go for some counseling for herself.
Donna

I am hoping some of you might have some advice on counseling for her or Alonon meeting. She needs someone to help her through this.

I'm sorry, but under the present set of circumstances, there is nothing anyone can say or do to help her.

She can:
A-stay with him and continue doling out the alcohol as she has been
B-stay with him and shut off the alcohol and put up with the yelling and screaming. I would even suspect he 'very well might' get violent.
C-Leave and not look back.

She really should not feel guilt for how she is handling the bad situation. No one can really say for sure that option B or C would be the right thing to do.

She can just try and make as good of a life for herself as possible. Does she have girlfriends she talks to or does things with? Does she have any hobbies, maybe like gardening that brings her some serenity and happiness?

Does she have 'free' time? Does she have any happiness much? Might getting out and getting away from home and doing some volunteer work give her some joy and peace?

I wish her well, and will be praying for both of them.

Sue

Wish her well, are they still there at your place? how soon do they leave?

chemogirl,
You are 100% right on. Those are the three choices she has. I did give her one additional choice. This is what I would do. I would put him in his own room and provide only food and water for him. I would not provide booze but if he bought it himself I would not prevent him from drinking it. (Did I mention they have a timeshare? She just took him on a 24 day cruise through Europe. It was very expensive and she only went because he wanted to go.) I would not go with him on any more vacations, take him out to dinner or social outings, movies, golfing etc. I would basically ignore him and live my own life as if he wasn't even there. (She takes him everywhere.) That would be my solution. (She baby's him and waits on him hand and foot.)
Yes, she has friends, lots of them. She spends a lot of time at the pool at her subdivision. She goes out with her friends all the time. Today she is visiting some friends she knows that live close to me.

They are here for 6 more days. They are not staying at my place. a friend in my building is out of town and they are at his condo.
Donna

I have not read all the responses but I will tell you what I learned from my SO (now deceased) who was an alcoholic and married to his wife for 32 years. In her way she also was an enabler because she would leave change around or in his pockets so he had money for booze. She finally divorced him and he was out on the streets. He ended up in Wisconsin from Illinois and was picked up by the police and had other difficulties but was a proud man and decided he wasn't going to become a street person. He was eligible for the VA Hospital and spent several years there and was given these pills that make you ill if you drink. They finally decided he was well enough to leave and a woman he met at one of the dances held there helped him find a job in a printing company, although his usual occupation was as a salesman. He eventually found a good job as a furniture salesman and faithfully attented AA Meetings. After he retired he would go to his AA meeting house twice a day, mainly for the companionship, although when he passed away he was revered by many of the members because he had been so successful in helping them with their addiction and his memorial was held at their meeting place.

If he is a proud man, her leaving him might be the push he needs.

Yes, she has friends, lots of them. She spends a lot of time at the pool at her subdivision. She goes out with her friends all the time. Today she is visiting some friends she knows that live close to me.

That is great to know. It also sounds like she has a lot of quality of life, even if things are a bit less than perfect as they are. It sounds like she is making the very best of a bad situation, and as I said before, should not feel guilty for how she is handling things.

I would put him in his own room and provide only food and water for him.
That would just enrage him, and who could live with that?

I would not go with him on any more vacations, take him out to dinner or social outings, movies, golfing etc. I would basically ignore him and live my own life as if he wasn't even there.
He is her husband and she loves him. Ignoring and shutting him out of her life would solve nothing, imho.

It sounds too like they do have some quality of life doing things together.

Could it be that there is no life threatening problem, and that no one is living a life of hell? Very few marriages are without their problems, or so I have been told. His alcoholism is just a cross she has chosen to bear.

She loves him and tries so hard to help him.

That's the problem, and that also why AlAnon is not for her. They will only tell her to leave him.

This is your sister's problem, and only she can save herself. All you can do is refuse to participate. If he is staying with you, and leaves the house drunk, and gets into the car....call the cops and give them his location and license number. But, be prepared to lose your sister in the process. She'll make his bail and pay for a lawyer to get him off.

To lock him in a room and refuse him alcohol??
It takes 72 hours to de-tox a chronic alcoholic. And be prepared to clean out a filthy, destroyed room, unless it has an attached bathroom that he may or may not use.
Unless you're prepared for the EMT's to pretend to not notice the mess when they answer your 911 call after he passes out or goes into cardiac arrest.

De-toxing a chronic alcoholic is a shock to the body. The DTs, and other effects of alocohol withdraw are not pretty, and done without medical supervision is risky.

He is not a proud man, he is a baby and helpless. He sleeps with a Teddy bear! She brought him with her to visit me because he can't be left alone. The last time she left him alone when she returned home he was unconsious. He was on the floor with vomit and feces all over her house. If she dies first hopefully he won't last long enough for me to have to deal with the situation. I would put him in a nursing home. I work and live in a different city and cannot take care of him. I don't mean to sound so cold but I took care of my mother for 10 years with Alzheimer's and I don't have the energy for a alcoholic.
Donna

Just take all our advice with a grain of salt. Do what you think is right in your heart and that will be the right thing. You are a good, caring sister.

The weird thing is that he has been in my friends condo for 4 days and has not had any alcohol. I know for sure because I have checked his glass several times. He is drinking pure water. I've been with him most of today and he is not drinking. How is he not going through withdrawals? The first 2 days here he was sick but now he seems fine.
I don't have a car, I'm in a highrise. He doesn't have keys to the condo or any money, (I took it), so he can't leave. The only thing he could do is jump off the balcony.
Yes she would bail him out of jail. He went to his DUI hearing DRUNK!!! I would have let him go to jail, well maybe not.

You all are right. I can't do anything about this situation. I am just happy to finally know where his stash is coming from. I would have never in a million years thought my sister was providing the booze.
This is her situation from here on in. I won't enable an enabler though. I don't support her choices but I won't condem her either.
donna

I just want to thank you all for giving me some insight into this situation. I am going to let my sister deal with this the best she can.

I know I probably sound heartless toward my BIL. I do care about him but I get very angry with him for hurting my sister's life. Yesterday when we were arguing she started to hyperventilate and couldn't catch her breath. She said that happens when she argues with him. That makes me very concerned about her health.

Thank you all again for the advice.

donna

"The sad thing is considering the possibility that she would die before he does....and then you are left with the problem."

No, it wouldn't be her problem. Not at all. In that case, it would be up to his family, not her, to look after him. If none of his family are willing, that's just too darn bad.

He doesn't have any family members that keep in touch with him. He has one brother that never calls him. I would be stuck with the problem. Let's just hope he dies first.
donna

I have an alcoholic SIL and it's tough. I don't know what I would do. I wish you and your sister both a lot of luck, though.

That is a sad situation. I feel alot like Monica does. I know for a fact that when you love someone with all your being...it takes everything you can muster up before you leave them. I could not do it, especially being married so long. That is just me, though. I stayed with mine through some of his issues, and it has turned out good. Believe me, never never give up hope. My husband turned his life to Christ and became a new man 21 years ago. Did I say, Never give up hope on someone. Together almost 40 years.

There's not a thing YOU can do.
It has to be his choice.