I don't know if I would have the guts to do that but if I did I would make sure I am not using the same computer or even one in my house. Also be sure not to do anything that would perhaps be construed as entrapment. Don't know what you anticipate doing in the future but don't give his lawyers down the road anything to use against you.

I wouldn't do it. I think there are laws against impersonating someone online. To be effective on an online dating site, you would need to use someone's picture and pretend to be her and that can get you in trouble. Chances are low he would reply to you without a picture. That's how it is.

Not to mention you have been together for so long that he probably knows your writing style. Everyone has a very unique style or way with words or even punctuation that can be very obvious. I assume he's at least somewhat intelligent so chances are he would pick up on it through multiple emails.

But if you're determined to do it, I certainly wouldn't advertise the fact on this forum. This forum is VERY public and shows up easily in Google searches. Mboston is right - it could hurt you in any future legal arrangements and might forfeit any alimony you may be entitled to.

I agree with the others here. Not only for their reasons but also for your own self-esteem. You don't want to lower yourself down to his level of sneakiness. You are a better person than that. He is the one doing something wrong, while you have remained loyal. Be proud of that.

I wouldn't do it, myself. If I felt that little trust for someone I was married to, I would give serious thought to ending the relationship. You don't have to prove his is doing anything wrong, if the relationship is that poor, and there isn't a commitment from BOTH of you to work on it, then what's the point of going on? Having said that... I would get counselling first, if I were you, to help you through this. Whether you leave or not, counselling will help you.

You're playing with fire. You say your real name is Nievette. I did a Google search on "Nievette" and on the 3rd page is your first post explaining your situation.
Hopefully your husband doesn't go snooping, because this post will show up too.
If I were you, I'd ask GW to yank your personal posts.
I'd also get a new username for the future.

Here is a link that might be useful: Google for

Of course he denied it! And now he knows you're "on to him" and he's going to be extra careful (if he has any sense at all). I never faced a situation like this, but I know me well enough to know I would let him THINK I believed his lies. As time goes by, he'll get more confident. As he gets more confident, the more mistakes he'll make. I've always believed if you give someone enough rope, they'll hang themselves. Kind of hard to deny you were playing with a rope..if you're swinging from it!

If you're willing to wait it out, you can bet this whole thing is going to blow up in his face at some point..and there will be no way he can deny it! At that point, he'll probaby beg, plead and make all kinds of promises. Then you can decide if you want to believe the foolishness or not.You already know what he's doing..it's not a matter of setting up an account and catching him. You've already caught him. If you're not willing to wait it out..start making preparations now to leave, follow through with that and file for divorce.

Only you have the choice who wins in this game!

Are you *enjoying* this? Hire a private investigator if you want some facts.

I agree with the other posters, I would NOT do it. I'd also take LindaKathy's advice and remove these posts,

It's obvious that you do not trust him and at this point I would not waste my time, but rather work on myself, get therapy and decide what will be best for ME. Good Luck!

I agree this is a "slippery slope" you're planning on. Could end up backfiring. A court wouldn't take this as a good sign of your honesty,reliability,etc. Rise above this and show the jerk you are above this, not a player like he is. If he won't speak to you,fine, the lawyers can duke it out. Stay on the up and up.

Good idea, I hope you find out what you need to know without get hurt more. BTW...They will always deny what they do. Too afraid to tell the truth an own up to it.

I don't know if it's that good of an idea but I would do it, I know 100% I'd have to find out what was going on! As far is laws against impersonating someone on the internet...I'm sure that's true if you were trying to pretend that you were some person in particular...there certainly is no law against being anonymous! Especially not on some dating site! To be quite honest...people do that all the time! What I would do though, is get your answer then move on.

You can definitely be anonymous but, like I said, she would likely need a fake picture to bait someone on a dating site. I've used dating sites extensively and you pretty much have to have a picture to get replies. I'm sure there are some exceptions but it's generally considered a little creepy not to have one. And if she does use a fake picture, that's when there could be legal problems.

I think it's a long shot that he would reply to someone who contacts him without a picture, with an anonymous email and who is asking about his marriage. I can't imagine anyone being that foolish especially without a "pretty" picture to expedite things. It does take a certain amount of skill to successfully extract information from someone without causing suspicion.

This is ridiculous. Forget it!!! Don't resort to underhanded stunts.

here is the problem most of those sites register your IP address and if you both use the same computer the site will see 2 people trying to use the site with the same IP address, I know many sites and even forums will not allow that, it is like creating more than one alias on a forum. So if it does like most sites do and you both use the same computer you will both have the same IP address.

Now that he knows you know I bet you he is taking a lot of steps per financial for example. Be watching your bank balances very very carefully.

Plus he will be able to say well she was doing the same thing and will likely try to say you were doing it first and that could be hard to prove and well you are doing the same thing he is doing. Don't think it would be to your benefit.

In the past, I've taken the high road & refused to lower myself & been the better person...
& it's cost me every time.

When you're dealing with someone who lies to you, you absolutely have to protect yourself, & knowledge is the best protection around.

The consequences here are too serious to play at, & Nievette needs to know.

She just needs to know, whether the information can be "used in court" or not.

She needs to know.

(& given his behavior, I don't see her husband trying to make something out of her representing herself as a potential date on the internet.)

Nievette, you might want to have someone else do it, just because your threads pop up on google, but I agree, knowledge is your best tool.

I wish you the best.

good point about financial, but "watching" it won't help;
one fine morning you'll check & all the money will be gone.

You might want to consult an attorney to find out how to protect the money.

At the very least, check the accounts daily & print copies.

I just opted for a divorce. Worked for me so far.

He on the other hand, got a wedding date set.

I didn't have the energy to sneak around like that. I felt, let him go, and did.

Glad for that too.

Moni

As an audience member said to a person on a talk show "Drop that zero and get yourself a hero" I thought that was good advice

Ditto Sylvia....good luck

I don't know enough about what's legal or not to offer any advice.

All I can say is please protect yourself. Speak to an attorney, hire an investigator, get copies of all the important papers (deeds, bank accounts, insurance policies, car titles).

All too often the wife finds herself without a marriage, without any funds and without assets. This happened to a good friend of mine whose husband managed to hide the money, declare bankruptcy and then walk away leaving her with 6 kids.

As for 'taking the high road' - your husband is dealing dirty so I wouldn't worry about that - but as I said just be smart.

Honey, I know the urge to catch him is amost imposible to resist. I was married to someone like this. He will deny, lie, get defensive and ultimately blame you.

If he continues to deny everything ask him if it truly is not happening would he consider getting a "buddy block" on the computer. I cannot remember the website, but I am sure I can find it...but there are sites (some christian based) that for a very nominal fee will put blocks on all dating, porn and such. If the user thinks it is a site that should be allowed he needs to email his "buddy" to approve and release access.
I will say I tried this with mine..he got REALLY upset that I even suggested it. Then, when it did hit the fan, he offered to get rid of the computer altogether. But by then it was too late and I had all sorts of reasons to move on. (confirmed affair)
I just want you to be aware that catching and confronting can be tricky and dangerous. Mine got suicidal and I watched as he held a loaded and cocked gun to his head. Thankfully I talked him down, but he spent a long weekend in the hospital against his will.
Please be careful.

You husband may never have any physical contact with anyone, but I am well aware how painful (and almost worse) an emotional affair can be.

I am honest as the day is long and it has often been my downfall in dealing with the world at large. Fool me once shame on you but fool me twice shame on me. So it took me a long time to learn that when dealing with liars you have to play the same game they do. You lie too and do a better job than they do. You make them prove you wrong instead of the other way around.

So I find myself agreeing with Sylvia on this. Just be careful and cover your tracks well. Use a library computer or something. I would want to know also. I'm not good with others holding secrets from me.

I'd do it in a heartbeat if I thought there was any need to. But I would do it from a distance, since if I had the slightest question about my husband's loyalty, one of us would be out of the house. I would certainly use an annonymous computer, a made-up name and throw-away e-mail address. As to writing style? My husband couldn't pick out something I wrote if I gave him a choice of 2 examples--how often do husbands actually read anything their wives write, anyway? and writing styles are often quite different from speaking ones.

It's, of course, a good idea to get some legal advice. You do need to be starting to protect your share of the assets if you think he's messing around and lying, for one thing, and you really don't want to do something that will come back to bite you. You will probably want to get your own lawyer, rather than using the one you and your husband go to. And don't forget to change the beneficiaries on things like--life insurance, annuities, your retirement, etc. I've known a couple of people who were surprised that their ex's were able to get a portion (in one case most of) their retirement incomes. If there's even a slight chance something is wrong, change those things now. you can always change them back later, if you work things out.

Good luck.

Contact the producers of "Cheaters" TV program. See if you can get them in on the act. Let them fight your battle.

It is imperative that you talk to a matrimonial lawyer NOW and find out all that has been suggested regarding finances, property, etc. Don't waste your time and energy getting "proof" on your husband's activities. It may very well come your way without all the furtive searching. Keep your ear to the ground and your eyes open.

I was a legal assistant for many,many years and did lots of divorces and believe me, the ones who did their financial and legal homework first came out of it a whole lot better than being blindsided (see above comments about cleaning out bank accounts, etc.) It happens all the time; don't think yours will be different. You don't want to be the one whose lawyer says, down the road, "why didn't you when you knew it was coming?"

I would have suggested a keystroke logger program that runs quietly in the background undetected by anyone. It logs all keystrokes such as his screen name, password, email address, conversations, ect. It also shows which webites and screen shots that have been accessed. I used one called Golden Eye one time when I felt like I needed to check on someone. Busted them wide open as there was no denying it then. I used a free trial version. I don't think Golden Eye has a free trial version available but is is only 30.00 for the program. There are lots of other programs like this one so check around. It may be too late now that he knows you know. He may not use the same computer you use now to do his stuff. It catches them red handed as they don't know the program is working. You have a special keystroke code to access the info.

Nieve....go for it but just be careful.

You didn't say which site he was going to but does he have his photo posted? If he does take a print out of it as evidence.

Let us know how you are doing.

SamKaren
your resident DJ

I say Don't do it. Have you considered what happens if he knows it's you? Are you prepared for the worst case scenario? He'll figure it out. Speech and writing patterns are hard to disguise. He'll know.

If you do it, just be prepared to get caught and/or confronted, and consider how much nastier that could make things.

I'd do it.
Get a friend to do it for you if your afraid of getting caught. Someone your hubby doesn't know,.

good luck in what ever you decide to do!

You've had a lot of good advice. Hopefully you can update us on what you decide to do. :)

nieve- you last posted Friday morning and as you can see you've received a lot of advice from helpful and caring KT -ers.

Have you made any decisions about what steps you plan to take? Please let us know how things are going for you.