I think you just need to tell them what you told us. You planned this as a family vacation to spend time with your immediate family doing the things you don't get to do on other visits. Since this is the only time you will have to have a family outing with the kids it would be inconvenient to split the family up this time or to take a day out shopping.

If your mother can't understand this then it is her selfishness, not yours.

Your biggest error was in telling them you were coning at all and not just staying with the in-laws for the whole visit. Then you could have dropped by for a visit (after calling first) if you had the time or inclination.

You are not being a jerk to stand your ground on what's best for your family. Don't allow your mother to guilt trip you. You and DH should make the decisions for how your family uses its vacation time. Not her.

I'm having a hard time figuring out who is who.. are your brother's parents your parent's too? If they are his in-laws, did they actually "invite" ALL of you to stay with them or is that just what you wanted? It sounds like maybe they are tyring to figure what is convenient for them and what house can hold what people. Did anyone actually invite your whole family to stay with them?

Personally, I would consider staying in a hotel and doing what you want. Just tell them you want to keep the family together and have special plans for your vacation. If you accept an invite to stay with someone, you generally have to do so on their terms.

How presumptuous! Personally, I'd just sound like a jerk and make my plans known. LOL.

Seriously...you're only there for a few days. They're being selfish.

I would just tell them that you have a short amount of time there, you've already talked about some things you wanted/planned on doing with your family, tell them where and when you'll be staying and leave it at that. If they don't like it, I'm sure they'll get over it.

Carla, I think she means by his parents is her DH's parents. So her (danielle) brother and his (her DH) parents.

TELL THEM! By all means, tell them. Why make yourself miserable? And let's be blunt here, they can't make you feel badly, only you can do that. So decide what you want to do and tell them and if it doesn't work for them, go on with your plans and say see ya next time! Personally, I would have popped for a motel for the night or two and not stay with relatives - this shows what can happen. Go see your museums, have your outing, do your thing and then give a call to the relatives and friends (actually should do it ahead of time to see if it's OK) and stop by if they want to see you. Let's face it, when you impose on others they'll want to call some shots, and that's not totally unreasonable. Even when the stayover isn't a BIG imposition, it's still an imposition nonetheless. But when you give them the shoes, don't get upset when they walk on you with them.

Just a side note, with health issues and odd sleeping schedule, I find it much better to get a motel than stay with someone. I know I'm welcome at several places but if I can't sleep, I can get up and do something on the computer, go for a drive or a walk or whatever without disturbing the hosts. I'm more comfortable and don't put them out. It was fine before but now for me it's better to get a cheap motel and relax. Maybe invite them over to the motel. You don't need to spend hundreds of dollars a night if you don't want to.

While it seems a small thing they are rearranging your plans but in fairness, they're trying to be nice too I believe. I sense they're trying to kill 2 birds with your trip and don't realize you're wanting to do other things. So don't be subtle and don't try to hint. Speak up and stand up.

I'd be more than ticked off if someone presumed to plan my holiday for me and then just expected me to go along like a good little girl. You should phone towards the end of the week and say something like "Jason and I discussed it and here is what we decided............". Then assert yourself and don't apologize for wanting to spend your holiday the way you want to.

How about a copy and paste, if you feel uncomfortable telling them?

Just copy and paste your letter, maybe tone it down just a tad, and mail it?

Stand up for your family, your plans, and most of all for yourself.

Give them a couple of hours for dress shopping... at most.

Moni

I think like Cynic...BE BLUNT.

Mom, here are my plans, give her YOUR itinerary...do not take HER itinerary. How can you do this without being a jerk. Easy...Mom, here are my plans, and give her YOUR itinerary, do not take her itinerary. Oh did I repear myself? You see, being assertative, is NOT, I REPEAT, IS NOT being a jerk. If she is upset, it is her problem, not yours. The only explaination you owe at this point may be why you did not do this in the first place, and even then heck, don't give more than..I (we've) thougt this over, and decided that this is how we want out vacation, HERE IS OUR ITINERARY (did I repeat myself again?). This is your vacation, do what you want, you'll be so much happier. You know what your kids can handle, and what will make you guys happy.

Your mantry..I'll be blunt, I'll be blunt..I will not back down, I will not back down.

I you have to, practice what you will say, write it down. Have a script for different scenerios you Mom and/or brother may come up with.

You: the shopping sounds fun, BUT I can only go from 9-12 on X day then I have plans.
Mom: oh but that's not enough time let's plan from 9-5.
you: No Mom, I have other plans, it has to be eith 9-12 or not at all, sorry.
This way you do not start saying ...ummm well let me see if I can change my other plans (knowing full well that all day will make you sicker and you may be totally out of commission the next day)

You: we've decided we want Claire and Annie to stay with us
Mom: Oh but I think it's best that Claire and Annie stay here
You: NO, they're staying with us
Mom: but Your brother agrees, clair and Annie should stay here.
You: NO, they're staying with us (broken record, do NOT change what you say).

Etc.

We can even help you with your scenerios and dialog!!!

Vickey-MN

"Today my mother phoned. She said that she was sitting there with my brother and they were discussing the visit and where we were going to stay." It doesn't sound like they were taking your decisions as "plans", it sounds like they were twisting your ideas around to suit them. Sounds like Mom just wants to have your older girls for the weekend, to herself.

I don't see how it can be a family weekend if you and Jason and the kids are split apart. That would be my main argument right there.

Dress shopping is not vacation, it's a chore. I think a separate trip closer to the wedding would be in order for that, Danielle, if possible. Or shop by internet or catalog or let Mom mail you dresses to try on. Your girls can grow a lot between now and "fall".

You did the right thing in saying you needed to talk with Jason. Now you can present a united front and keep to your original plans and let them come to you for a dinner or something. Don't let anyone railroad you into doing something you don't want to do. Just tell them, "we've already got an idea of what OUR weekend will be like and here's our plan. Period. It's what WE'VE decided. If you want to join us at some point, that will great but we're staying with so-and-so and doing such-and-such."

Surely your mother had in-laws and extended family and had to make these kinds of choices herself so she of all people should understand the pressure she's putting on you and that it isn't right.

And YES, I get very annoyed when I find out that people have made plans for me. Like knowing that someone is going to fill up my SUV in FL with their stuff in order to save on shipping something because they know we're going to the final destination in CO in 4 months, making it hard to transport my own things home and leaving ME to store and care for their belongings (of which they are over-protective and worried about and nervous that my cats "might wee on them") in my small house for the next 4 months. So now I can't get into my own closet because all their stuff is in it for another 2 months and I'm having to protect it all from a rouge kitten who wants to climb it and nibble on it. Grrr. I still have a sore shoulder from driving 1200 miles with one arm on their 6' long framed photo that was balanced on top of all their other stuff. When I heard that it cost him $700 to frame it *gasp* I got paranoid about it.

OK, sorry for the rant. Good luck, Danielle! Hold firm. Tell mom you're coming for a vacation, not a shopping trip. And you want to be a family that weekend, Daddy is gone a lot as it is and you need family time with HIM.

Been there...done that! Argh!!

You and Jason need to figure out a plan of events...before you tell him what your mom & brother said. Plan each day, and if the family says anything...just tell them this is what Jason decided and I agree with it. (We have always told each other to use the other as a 'scapegoat'...that way you are not the bad one to your family)

I don't think it would be fun to have the family split...that is the reason you are 'vacationing'...to be together for family time!

Maybe this time, Jason wants to spend the whole time staying with his parents! I am assuming they are in the somewhat same area.

I cannot tell you how many times we were stressed when we would go back to our home area...with the same type of 'problems'.

You are trying to have a vacation on a tight budget...YOU will have to make your choices to what you want. I know (we did) you will feel obligated to do what everyone else wants...but if you have a planned out week (time)...it will be hard for them to make your plans.

It is so difficult to 'go home' and try to see everyone, and do everything, in a short time period. I don't know how long it's been since you visited, but to the family who's been missing you ... it feels like it's been a long, long time. Of course, since it sounds like Jason's family is also there, he's in the same dilemma.

For whatever reason, your family didn't 'hear you' when you first told them about the little trip. Possibly you didn't have firm plans yet about what you wanted to do, or maybe you had the plans but just didn't think to tell them details ... either way, they thought ... what fun! we'll plan this and this and this to fill up the days.

I don't think you have to be harsh. It sounds to me like your family is excited that you'll be home, and they're wanting to spend as much time with you as possible. That's good!

I think when you call them back, just tell them ... thank you soooo much for your offer, but we're going to decline this time. How about when we come back in the fall for the wedding, we stay with you. For this trip, we're going to be really busy, dividing our time between you and Jason's family and our friends, and have decided to stay with his family and use that as our base.

Naturally you're going to need to tell them, specifically, what day/timeframe you would like to visit with them, to see if they're available .... just like you will with your friends. It sounds like your mom is excited at the thought of having the two older girls spend the night. Is there any way that you could work that idea into your plans anyway, possibly while you're visiting with your friends? And then pick them up in the morning?

If you'd both rather stay at Jason's parents, why not call and ask if it's convenient for them and stay there. And I agree, it's too early to shop for the girls for a fall wedding. They may, and probably will, grow by then.

Try not to stress too much, Danielle. This is supposed to be a vacation so you can relax and have fun. Just do it!!

My ex-in laws always used to pull this type of stunt whenever we'd come home on leave. I was in the military and those days spent back home were precious to me. Not so my ex-wife. Whatever mommy said went with no argument. Finally reached the breaking point on one trip and I left her at her parents house (sans car) and went and stayed with my folks. I also got to spend time with my old high school friends as well as some relatives I always enjoyed seeing. This lasted four days and I was as happy as could be but, of course, got the "you don't love me" guilt trip laid on me. Only this time didn't work.

MIL didn't like the fact that I stood up to her and it wasn't long after that we split up. I found out later that her mother thought I was "unreasonable" for not wanting to spend all our time with them. Ha!

As the mother of two kids who live far away and have to come home for me to see them, I can see both sides of the story. The one thing I know is that "a trip home" and "a weekend holiday/vacation" are two different things. Your mother and brother see this as "a trip home" and you and your family see this as "a weekend holiday/vacation."

With that being said, you may be able to see that a lack of communcation was at the root of the misunderstanding. My DD (who lives in LA) and her SO came home to PA a few weeks ago for a wedding. I hadn't seen them since Christmas and of course I was anxious to spend time with them. But since I knew the purpose of their visit was to go to a wedding and visit with their college friends, I knew I would only see them a limited time. I understood that and valued the time I did get to spend with them. If I had thought they were just "coming home", I would have expected to spend a lot more time with them and would have been disappointed when I found out they had other plans. BUT, since I knew the purpose of their visit ahead of time, I was fine with their plans.

You need to make clear that the purpose of this visit is not just "a trip home" and hopefully your family will be more understanding. But as others have said, you need to make your own plans regardless of how others feel.

"We thought :this: ............We thought :that: ..........We thought we'd stay with our family, my brother and his parents-maybe split up the days so that it's fair although this is a huge pain in the bottom for us to shuttle three kids around. We'd both rather stay with his parents because........."

I see nowhere in your story about even being INVITED to crash at anyone's house. The whole post is what you thought you could do on your vacation, things to see, what to do, and where you decided you where going to stay.

"All of these plans were laid out for me without my knowledge or permission and it just makes me so MAD."

I'm sure your brother and your Mom might be feeling the same way. YOU decided that you were going to stay with them and even decided that you would split up your time having both of them host you on YOUR schedule.

It sounds like this is inconvenient for their lifestyle and/or plans for that weekend, and they are trying to brainstorm a way to accommodate you by splitting the family up for the stay making it easier on them. You don't like it and do not want to be split up. You don't want to have to do anything with them that they plan and prefer to just crash at their digs, and go about your business on your schedule and terms. They don't see it that way, and feel that if you are staying there in their home, it would be a good opportunity to shop for the wedding - something you will have to do anyway - soon.

In order to have your vacation go exactly the way you wish, you will have to stay in a hotel and not impose on them. That way you won't hurt their feelings and make them feel that you are just "using them" for a free bed and kitchen privileges. You would be under no obligation to accommodate their wishes to hang around with them for bridal shopping. "We are going to be in town staying at the Holiday Inn. We really have a full schedule but we would like to get together for a couple hours for coffee to chat if you have the time."

I think there is a misunderstanding on the part of your family about the "purpose" of your being in your hometown. They are perhaps accustomed to your visits being just that: "visiting family", because that's the way it's always been when you all "go home". But on this trip, you really only want to see any family members rather minimally & go off & do just Dannielle-Jason-&-kids-things.

I doubt they will like it, at all. Feelings are going to be hurt, probably. But you need to nip it in the bud, now. Or you will be forever repeating this dilemma.

I can totally understand your mother wanting to especially spend some time with her granddtrs, so I think you are going to have to throw them a bone, so to speak, & promise mom & bro another trip where they will have more exclusive time with you & your family.

DH & I are like Jason's parents when son, DIL & kids visit from 4 hours away, letting them do what they want without guilt. DIL's parents want everything the way they want it, how they want it, & when they want it. The guilt trips are like a cruise on the ocean, deep & wide. This summer, things changed & there has been huge, I mean HUGE, conflict caused by not allowing DIL's parents to call all the shots. It is ugly, UGLY,,,,,,,,,, a rift between DIL & her parents all because for 10 years of son/DIL's marriage they have acquiesced to her parents every whim.

So good luck in getting it sorted out amicably & doing what is best for your family, Danielle.

Ahhh i've got the same problems lol. we are going back to chicago, my hometown where i still have a house, in a couple weeks. problem is that my sis who lives down by indy is coming w/ my neice & nephew so we can see them for the weekend and she is trying to manipulate our plans :-( i LOVE chicago i LOVE visiting chicago w/ my DH...i HATE visiting my family thou, there are soooo many complicated issues.

my place is by my dad's house and for the most part he lets us do what we want when we are in town as long as he gets in some time. no problem there but add in my sis who HATES his GF (whom i love to death) and it's oil & water... not to mention my sis and i only do visits for facetime and really get along alot better w/ her DH (we LOVE him)...uhhh one of the biggest things on my list to do this visit was a Cubs game and my sis dragged her feet too long and now tix are gone :-(

i'm getting ready to just get a rental car (we usually use a business car of dad's) and 5 start hotel downtown and tell everyone who wants to see us to come to us...on our schedule. i'm beginning to dread this visit, just like all the ones in the past. that would be why it's been almost 2 yrs since i went back :-/

i hope you can figure out a way to get everyone to be equitable w/ your time! ~ liz

what you should have done, adn can after your dh comes home, is explain that you'd already made plans to visit your friends on xyz day, and that you got tickets for the museum the next day. that you'd love to go dress shopping but (as vickey said) it would have to be from 10-12...and that jason had called his parents and they want to have dinner with you and the grands.

let grandma have the older kids for the majority of the visit, and the shopping...chances are they won't want to go see a baby anyway...besides with tight finances, and school clothes popping up in the stores, she might just help out...know i would...

it doesn't bother me anymore that my dd1 would rather stay with ds1, in his itty bitty place, lol...we go over there, and then get to come home with peace and quiet! (and with her 3 and his 2, they hang off the ceiling, lol...)

They sound like jerks, so why should you care if you sound like a jerk? They wouldn't notice the difference in the language.

It's your family and your trip. You plan it.
When my DD comes from California with her DH and kids, I just wait to be told what's going on when they get here. They usually stay at my oldest DD's home because that's kind of kid central, with the other cousins being within an 8 mile radius. On the day/evening of their arrival, they'll usually stop and pick up pizzas and pastas and salads on their way through Omaha. (DD's, where they stay, is about 10 miles out of Omaha, but is now part of Omaha as it's just been annexed). They'll make plans to do things with DD old high school girlfriends and their families maybe one of the nights their here. They just keep me informed, and if I want to join in going shopping, or whatever, I join them.
Life's to short to worry about the small stuff. The two DD's that live here have inlaws too. One SIL has divorced parents, so there's 2 families for them to have to split time with on holidays. Other DD's husband is an only child, so no problem there. And youngest DD is divorced and no problems with inlaws.
I hope your mother can back off. And I hope you tell her what YOUR plans are. It's your vacation, not a trip for shopping. There will be time later for dress shopping.
Leslie

Sounds like your kids are going to be in a wedding. Did you have another time scheduled to shop for their dresses? When you are in a wedding you pretty well have to do their schedule. And no I don't like people making plans for me, but visiting my in laws there were always plans made by them. They wanted to show me the sights, take me shopping etc. and I just went with the flow even though I had rather lay around and visit with them instead of the schedule. We started staying at a motel, that way you are on your own and can do as you please. The mother in law raised a fuss about that, we did it anyway. She got used to it.

Well let's see. You really want to stay at Jason's family but you didn't want to hurt your family's feelings so you left it open to maybe spend a night with them but now they want all of the nights, and they want to split you up too.

So, that is easy "Sorry but we don't really want to split up so we'll just stay with Jason's parents."

Have the bride pick out the dresses and get everyone measured locally.

I'm not sure how long a long weekend is but I would make plans to spend at least 1/2 day with your family and 1/2 day with Jason's and then you spend the rest of the time as you'd like (inviting family along to your activities if you wish).

I don't really think they wanted to take over the decision making but since this visit is different, I agree with some other posters that they just didn't 'get' that.

I don't think the lack of invitation is an issue here. If it's anything like my family, I'm sure there is an open invitation.

We go through this, too. Going "home" (I use the term loosely b/c we've been gone so long and some family has moved, too) means Ohio, where DH and I both grew up in the town where his parents still have a home. My Ohio family these days is aunts & cousins who are very important to me. DH's parents live 2 hours from them, but only for the 6 warm months. My parents live in Florida now; DH's parents are snow bird w/ a winter home 30 minutes from my parents. We are nicely in the middle. ;o)

Summer trips to Ohio mean figuring out who to stay with and what to do with our time. DH's parents like to stay home, while my family likes to go somewhere most of the time. Of course with kids, "going" is more popular. ;o) My parents often spend the same days as me in Ohio with family, just to make it more complete. Heaven help us if it's a holiday visit! Winter trips to Florida are even trickier b/c we literally pass my inlaws' street to get to my parents. MIL has suggested we leave our older boys w/her then go on down to my parents. I have never done that, b/c it makes no sense to me. It would not be *easier* to spend family time separated. And like you, one side of the family is just easier to be with. My older boys would not appreciate being left alone w/ the difficult side. ;o)

I also take responsibility for making things complicated b/c I am a bit of a procrastinator. We have sort of routine plans (Ohio in July, Florida after Christmas). My family always calls to ask what our specific plans are, dates, etc. I don't make decisions fast enough for them, so they start making them for me (my mom, especially, does that, she is a planner). Can't blame them, and I realize I need to change my behavior in that area if I want to be in control.

We usually end up planning to be at one house for 2-3 days and the other for 2-3 days. If we want to do something specific we say so (we want to spend one day at the beach and go to the zoo). Then we somehow mesh our plans with the host family's schedule (and weather, etc).

Many of my trips to my family w/kids, DH does not go along. I have always called inlaws and said I'd be in town and given them a choice of a couple days I'm free to visit and let them choose what works for them (sometimes both, even). One year in FL I was only at my parents 4 days, DH did not go. One of those days was already committed to the 4 hour round trip drive to see my grandparents (not a choice, they took priority). My parents still work, so their schedule is not flexible. I called MIL and said I was available Tues to visit, sorry but that is the only day I could spend with them. She told me she had lunch plans that day, so couldn't, and would I change my plans to come to her Wed. I said sorry, can't, we'll see you next time, or maybe meet you for breakfast on our way out of town. I perhaps could have changed plans, if I was also willing to inconvenience everyone else. I wasn't. On Tues morning, though, MIL called and said she her lunch was changed to dinner, could we still come early in the day, but we'd have to leave at 4 for her plans. So we did. Close to dinner that day, she announced she'd rather have dinner with us and would call her friends and cancel. I had already told my mom we'd be back for dinner. So I told MIL don't do that, my parents are expecting us as I expected we'd have to leave at 4. I did invite them to come to dinner w/my family. She declined.

I told all that b/c it was a difficult experience for me. Those kinds of things happened in the past and I let MIL have her way b/c of many feelings. I wanted to be respectful, not cause hard feelings, and I often just really don't get bothered about changing my plans, I go with the flow. But I felt I needed to stand up for myself and let her know she was inconveniencing others by her games (if you knew her, you'd know it's mind games- do they love me enough to change their plans for me?). The whole business was putting me in a tough spot, caught between the wishes of both sides and often leaving my side of the family in limbo while we figured out what would make one person happy. So I finally just had to do what was best for me and my kids.

Anyway, Danielle, it's all about communication. Communicate your plans clearly and as soon as possible. If you're like me and have always just gone with the flow, it will be a shock to people at first when you assert yourself. But in the end, everyone will feel repsected when they are as informed as possible as early as possible.

I'm a bit confused too. I know you have every right to stay where you want but aren't you 'intruding' on them somewhat? Maybe they want to split you up to make it easier on the households.

Else for the dress shopping, tell them that you'll come back closer to the wedding with the two girls to fit the dresses.

And stay in a motel.

Thank you so much everyone for helping me out!

First I want to clear up the confusion. (thanks Steph!) The places to stay are my husband Jason's parents and my brother's house. My brother and I have the same parents although they are divorced so that adds another layer of stress. I don't know if my dad will be back from his vacation then but if he is...yikes. I'd definitely want to see him too because it's been a while. Also Jason and I have often talked about how heavenly it would be if we just had a hotel room...but it's just not doable to spend 150+ dollars on that this year. Unfortunately.

Wildchild-I don't mind if my mom takes the older two for one night but she meant the whole time. When I mentioned that maybe their other grandparents would want to see them they acted like it was a non-issue and it pissed me off. It was rude. And yes my mom is selfish. *sigh*

Carla-I hope that I cleared it up for you. :) My brother's house is fine to fit all of us. My mom lives with my grandmother now, so she only has room for the girls if they share the futon in her sitting room. (which would be fine just not for the whole visit).

Steph-Thanks for the support!

Cynic-Thank you! You are right. :)

Barbara-That was exactly their tone...like they had decided how it was going to go and they knew that I would be difficult. It was so patronizing. Grrrr, it still makes me mad.

Moni-I think I'll just talk with Jason about it, have a good rant, get it out of my system and then write up an actual itinerary of the trip. I'd like it to be a bit more relaxed, but apparently I'm not allowed to leave any openings. :D

Vickey-the itinerary idea was from you, LOL. The scripts are super helpful too, I may have to reference those when I call them, teehee.

Flamingo-after I read your first paragraph, I sat and thought about it for a minute. You are completely right and that is EXACTLY what they are doing. Twisting everything around to suit them. One night away from the older girls would be fine but the whole weekend is just not happening. It's not fair to my in-laws or ourselves. I took great pleasure in saying I had to discuss it with Jason. And I had to tell her that FOUR times because she kept saying, "But...". Golly she ticks me off sometimes. (((Flamingo))) I'm sorry that someone took advantage of you. :( And Jason isn't really gone THAT often he just went away for the weekend and today.

Sandy-yes, Jason's parents live in the neighbouring town which is about an eight minute drive from my brother's house. I already mentioned to Jason about possibly splitting our time between the two places and he hated the idea-rightfully so. It's a pain to gather up five people's belongings and stay somewhere else after a day or two.

Stoneybaloney-Annie and I went down there at the end of June for the weekend and stayed with my mom so it hasn't been that long since she saw some of us. :) And she's coming here on August 4 for a few days to visit so it's not like she won't be seeing us for a long time. I think it's a combination at my family being excited to see us and not really caring that my in-laws are as well. Which is ridiculous.

Patti-We could call Jason's parents right now and tell them that we've decided to move in with them for two months and they would be thrilled, LOL. They constantly tell us that the door is always open and that we're welcome to stay anytime and that they love having us. I love staying there too. There's no pressure and we have so much fun whenever Jason, the kids and I get back from wherever we went for the day. I was feeling no stress at all and was looking forward to this until my mom called! *sigh*

Secsteve-You are so right about the time being precious! We never get to visit any of our friends there or do anything besides spend time with the family. It's unfair and I'm pretty fed up. :(

Marci-my family doesn't understand the difference between a "trip home" and a "vacation", it's all the same to them. You know, even if we come home for a wedding or funereal or whatever, we are expected to spend every other moment with them. It's highly stressful.

Dilly Dally-We have an open invitation to stay wherever we like. It's the fighting over us that causes the problem. I guess we are too popular. :D Me splitting us up was in the hopes that everyone would be happy and there would be no angst. I should have known better. The shopping plans were in place before they even knew of the visit. In no way were those plans made only because we were coming. I would love to stay in a hotel but that is just not possible right now. And I'm sure they don't feel that they are "using me for free bed or kitchen privileges" when they stay with me...I would be mortified.

Beeohio-I have tried to change this behaviour in the past. We will never go anywhere but our own home for Christmas anymore because this exact thing happens and it just ruins the holiday. You are a good person for not dropping a guilt trip on your son. He probably appreciates that more than you know.

Bigfoot Liz-I'm so sorry and I feel your pain. It's not easy is it? I hope it all works out for you.

Susan-The kids would love to see the baby and he has an older sister who they LOVE to play with and don't get to see that often. They would very much enjoy the visit. Your ideas are good though!

Rthummer-Bwahahahahaha! Could you make the call for me? Well maybe not...I have the feeling that that wouldn't go over well.

Grammahony-I don't mind the dress shopping but we have too much to do to spend a whole day on it. Thanks for the advice!

Stargazzer-Yes, they are in my brother's wedding which is in October. I haven't heard of another time to shop-I think this weekend is it unless we have no luck.

Paula-You have it perfectly and it's rather helpful to see it all laid out like that. :) A long weekend is Friday evening and Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. Monday is a civic holiday here. You are right about the open invitation as well. Do you just want to come up here and coach me as I do what's necessary? You have a knack for it! LOL

Stephanie-I know about the holiday visits. I'd rather stay home. :) My mom's not a planner, she's an attention hound. Your MIL reminds me so much like my mom...she just needs everything her own way and GOD FORBID you decide otherwise. I'm like you in that I want everyone to see us and have a nice visit but I end up accommodating everyone but my immediate family. (Jason and kids) I will tell them.

Zeetera-No there is no intrusion. I almost wish there was and then it would be easy. We'd stay with the in-laws. :)

*pant pant* Well the solution is much clearer and thank you so much again to everyone. I'll talk with Jason about it when he gets home, we'll make up an itinerary and then we'll phone them all with the plans. I will take extra care in the future to be clear about what's happening.

I feel a bit better now!

Danielle

I completely understand. Whenever I used to go "home" for a trip (a four hour drive and usually only for a few days at a time), I would get constantly guilt tripped by friends and extended family that I either could not fit in the time to see, or couldn't fit in "enough" time for them. Then one day I realized not ONE of these people giving me a guilt trip had ever driven the four hours to come and see me, and that I wasn't going to let them make me feel guilty anymore. I stopped telling everyone when I was coming except maybe my best friend. If I had time, I would call them and say I was in town and let's get together if they had time, if not, they never knew I was there.

I think you should put your foot down and just tell your mom what a difficult position she's put you in for years, if she tries to throw a fit. I completely understand why you would want to stay with Jason's parents, they sound like my dad. It's SO nice when people enjoy their time with you and make you comfortable, and don't try and guilt trip you when things don't go exactly to their plans.

Good luck!

Good luck Danielle! It's not easy being popular, is it? I hope you find a solution that works for everyone. Shuttling back and forth across town to pick kids up to go somewhere with the family is not fun. Kinda blows the whole "vacation".

Let us know how it works out. I hope you have a good time.

*applauds Danielle, best post-hosting I've EVER seen* lol

Sorry, kiddo- I just assumed that Jason was gone all day working and that the kids would really like to have him around for the weekend/vacation. And hey, it makes a great excuse, too! "Sorry Mom, we're not divvying up, the girls need some face time with their Daddy!"

I think you have this under control. Good luck!

"Dilly Dally-We have an open invitation to stay wherever we like."

Maybe with the big change in your brother's life with the upcoming wedding, his new bride is starting to exert control over what is "her" house and she does not care to honor "open invitations" in a home that she manages. Being married changes a lot of things for people as they embark on their lifetime together. The girlfriend has a new status and her say counts now more than before. Just a thought.

As the parents get older, maybe these visits are getting more stressful for them too.

Maybe things should be aired and renegotiated.

That's nice to know that you won't be intruding. Sounds like you have lovely in-laws.

oh you might want to check the room rates again just heard since the hotels are feeling the crunch, you just might get a deal. what my dd's do is pack sleeping bags for the kids and get a king or two queen room...it's a little crowded but then hey...peace of mind?

I'm hearing dilly dally...

I'm really close to and love my family... but fitting in an extra five people for a weekend stay would not be easy and would be very disruptive on our own schedule if nothing else. Plus, any time we stayed with relatives, they've always thought they had to find things for us to do and entertain us. Granted, the situations are different but I don't necessarily think your family is being controlling -- I just don't think they understood that you generally just want to sleep there and do you own thing.

Thanks Flamey, LOL! I wanted to be fair to everyone. Good thing Evelyn was occupied with her "baby". :)

Jenn-That is exactly what our visits are always like. My mom and Jason's parents visit us now and then but my brother's never been here. Grrrrrr. :) I have had fantasies about not telling my family when we're there but I can't even imagine the fallout if we bumped into them in the mall or when we were out. Eep!

Vicki-I know, eh? It's so nice that they all love to see us so much but...maybe we should come down every weekend for a few months and make them sick of us! If only that were affordable. :D

Flamingo-Oh, you are so right...he does work all day and it is nice for the kids to see him. I thought you meant that he was often away like on business trips and such. Silly me. :)

Dilly Dally-Believe me when I say it's not like that. Her family stays when they want and so do we. The issue is that my brother is determined to host us no matter what we say, LOL. My future sister-in-law is not a control freak in the slightest and has been engaged to my brother for almost two years. What I'm trying to say is that it is my brother who is PUSHING for us to stay, not us. :) I do love him dearly even though he cheeses me off sometimes. Our parents are clamoring for us to come so that they can see us and hang out with the grandchildren. Seriously there is no imposition. At all. Ever.

Zeetara-They are pretty awesome. I'm very lucky.

Susan-Hotels are still freakishly expensive here in Canada. We just can't afford 85-100+ dollars x three nights. Sucks, but it's the truth.

Carla-I'm sorry that it's hard to understand. My in-laws live in a newer bi-level with two bedrooms up and one down. They spend all of their time unless our family or Jason's sister's (and she live in Germany so that's very infrequent) are there to visit. After a two month visit or so from his sister, you can tell that they're glad to have the house to themselves...but a weekend isn't long enough as far as they are concerned. And no, I am not making this up or speculating, they have told us many times how much they love our visits. Every time Jason talks to them, they ask when we'll be down next. I don't think that we are unpleasant to host. We take care of our own children (except when they let Jason and I go off and watch a movie which is maybe two or three times a year) and clean up after ourselves. The kids all share the downstairs room which has a double bed (Evelyn sleeps in a playpen). They have toys at their house and a swing set outside. The kids love going and have so much fun. :) My in-laws have no set schedule on the weekend except to go out for breakfast on Saturday morning and we all go together. We usually pull out the cards and play for as long as we can stay up. It's a blast. When we stay with my own family it's pretty much the same thing minus the cards but we visit and maybe go shopping.

So anyway, my mom called last night while I was at a meeting and I thought, great, now Jason can let her know our plans as we had made an itinerary before I had to leave the house. He told me when I got back that he had done so but she wanted me to call her. I called her back and she had some questions about my wedding for my brother and then we talked about the weekend. Jason and I decided to stay at his parent's house for the entire weekend with Saturday going out for breakfast with his parents and then shopping for the dresses with Saturday evening open for my family. Sunday was a date night for us and visiting our two friends with the girls staying over at my mom's that night, while Monday is for the girls to go swimming with my mom and for the museum and then coming home. I thought that it all sounded great and all of these activities were things that were already discussed so we seriously AREN'T being presumptuous. :D

While my mom and I were talking, she said something about when the girls were sleeping over on Friday night. I said, "Didn't Jason let you know about what was happening?" She said yes, but I told her that we had discussed it and that this time we would be staying at his parent's house and that we had a few people to visit and some definite things that we wanted to do and that this was a vacation for us. She seemed perfectly fine with this when I explained that we wanted to see everyone that we hadn't seen in some time. So I'm feeling moderately relaxed about this until I phone my brother to let him know. :)

Thanks for all of your help! I truly appreciate it and it felt very good to be firm to my mom about what WE wanted for a change. :) I think the weekend may be fun now.

Danielle

Greetings, Danielle,

Do I see a few rays of sunshine peeking through the clouds?

Sorry that I didn't come to this thread earlier, so didn't have any worthhile suggestions.

You sure got lots, from varying viewpoints, Danielle.

Say "Hi" to Jason (and the girls, though they don't know me by face) for me, please.

Enjoy your holiday ... and everyone that you visit ... on your schedule: sounds as though your Mom may be starting to get used to you acting like a grown-up (an equal, maybe?).

ole joyful

You betcha Ed! It's been a whole year since since we saw you! You need to come out this way again.

I'll say hi for sure and I think that you may be right about my mom. I hope. :)

Have a wonderful night!

Danielle

Danielle,

You don't need to explain that you're not imposing on your family. I think we can trust your judgement being that this is your family and who should know them better than you?

Too true Paula but it felt like some people didn't believe me, LOL. I just wanted to make that very clear.

Have a wonderful day!

Danielle