Weird situation

12 years ago

Really puzzled about what happened and would appreciate other's assessment:

My 6th grade boy made a new friend this past school year (another 6th grade boy). They were in and out of each other's homes practically every week-end all year long. The "play dates" were set up by both the boys -- who would then beg for rides -- or, occasionally, by the other mother and myself.

Now that summer is here, we invited the other boy (through his mother) to join us for a day at a local water park. It was clear from the Mom's response that she has some serious water-safety concerns. We tried to alleviate the concerns (mentioning our diligence in actively watching the kids, life guards on duty, etc.). After that one conversation, we didn't hear back from her (or her son). Ultimately, we went to the water park without the boy.

Now, our son has attempted to invite the boy to our house on two other occasions since then and is getting zero response. All the ways he/I usually communicate (email, phone, or text) with the other mom/boy are just going into a black hole. We're getting nothing back but complete "radio silence".

I saw the other Mom from a distance at the grocery store earlier today as we pulled into the parking lot. She was laughing and chatting with her older daughter while loading her groceries into her car. So, it doesn't appear that the family is out of town or dealing with a crisis, etc.

I just don't know what's going on. Frankly, this treatment makes me angry on behalf of my son. Would it be too forward to send one last message to the effect, "I'm sorry if I freaked you out by suggesting the water park trip. I didn't know you had such serious misgivings about it, but certainly respect your concerns. Can we talk? Son really misses his friend."

What do you think?

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Comments (14)

Orchidllauraga
12 years ago
I wouldn't bring up the water issues, I would just say (to use your words) "Can we talk?? Son's name really misses his friend".

It is really weird way the path they have taken. I know you have asked all the right questions of your son like did they have a disagreement or maybe a misunderstanding., Have you left anything over there?

To me, it seems like there is a possibility that the other boy has gotten in trouble over something big time. Given his age he might have a girlie magazine or some naughty stuff on his computer and in desperation the boy blurted out that it was your son that brought it in either by magazine or computer. To me that seems, like a reasonable reaction that would explain the shut down you are getting from the other family...

JMO
kayjones
12 years ago
In my opinion (went through this with my 12-yr. old grandson), leave them alone. First, if the boys have a problem, they know what it is. Kids are at an awkward stage at this age - just let it rest - bet they'll figure it out.
I
Second, if someone professes to be your friend and you have to chase/beg that friend for attention, then he really isn't a friend. Kids have a way of working their problems out without interference from adults.
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alisande
12 years ago
I like the way you worded that message, but sending it as an email or text leaves open the possibility that it will end up like your other messages: unanswered. Have you tried calling? I suppose if your name shows up on Caller ID she can always ignore it. I hesitate to advise you to show up unannounced at her door, but I suppose it's a possibility.

Have you talked to your son to make sure nothing else happened between them--an argument or whatever?

The bottom line may be that if you send her that thoughtful, tactful message and she chooses not to answer it, it may be time to heed her strong signal and move on, unfortunately.
chisue
12 years ago
I'm sorry your son is missing his friend.

I just read something similar in an advice column about a 'snub' of someone's middle school child. The advice was for the mother to let it drop, while supporting the child's hurt feelings. The mother was cautioned not to pursue 'reasons', thus making it an even bigger deal.

You can let your son know that people sometimes do things for reasons having nothing to do with him -- or you. I can think of a dozen 'reasons' this kid or his family have halted the relationship.

The columnist (an adolescent psychologist) said that that because these things happen in life, a child needs to learn how to handle feelings when they do -- without taking them as a reflection on himself.
dees_1
12 years ago
It is entirely possible that the summer is filled with other activities for this boy (or maybe summer school) and the other family just doesn't want to explain it.

I can tell you sometimes kids are "friends" only during the school year. Once school is out, there may be no contact until school resumes.

While he misses his friend, he should find other kids to interact with and enjoy his summer. They can attempt to rekindle the friendship when school resumes.
Alice_sj
12 years ago
I'm sorry that your son is missing his friend. It hurts to be cut off and to not know why. I agree with others that you have tried to reach out, so probably best to leave it alone now. I wish people realized how hurtful it is to just cut someone off and ignore them. I also agree that it is good to learn this is not a reflection on oneself. I also have found that when people behave like this, trying to reconnect does just make you feel worse because you're still living the pain of the lost friendship without getting any reasoning from the other party.
susanjf_gw
12 years ago
isn't ironic? friend's ds Is bullied at school yet one of the boys is always trying to come over...told her he's probably jealous as her dh is an attentive dad and spends his very spare time with him doing things....
matti5
12 years ago
Chisue's post is spot on. I have faced the same dilemma with one of my sons several years ago. I chose with the urging of my DH, not to get involved. I am glad I took his advice, although it was tough for me and when I looked back I know I was hurt more than my son over the incident.

It appears that the mom was very comfortable with her son and yours hanging out at each others houses. I wonder if the invite to a different location made her uneasy as it is not as controlled as it is at home. She may have decided to end the relationship rather than let it be known she does not want her son on outings. Her 6th grade son would most likely be embarrassed if she told you this.
joaniepoanie
12 years ago
I think I would give it one more shot. Either send an email (with a return receipt so you know she got it) or call and leave a message and just say that "Brian" has been trying to get in touch with " Joey" to invite him over . Is Joey available this week? Let me know a day and time that works for you."

If you don't hear back...you have your answer and then just drop it. This mom should not have been offended by an invitation to a water park for heaven's sake and she is really rude if she does not get back to you, in which case you and "Brian" are probably better off.
YogaLady1948
12 years ago
Been there~done that. Leave it alone. You can not force a relationship, if you think about it do you really want too? Forcing the issue could go all sideways for you~~
marie_ndcal
12 years ago
No advice here as I am out of this age level, but I might suggest that you/your son etc look around for something else to do this summer that will introduce him to new friends. Suggestions: reading programs thru the library, zoo programs for kids, some colleges are offering programs for kids this age like sports, science, outdoor activities etc. Check your local papers, schools, churches for anything that he might be interested in.
hounds_x_two
12 years ago
I ,too, am in the " leave it alone" camp.
Sadly, the lack of response to your subsequent calls, texts and emails actually says a lot.
Sorry for hurt feelings. It is one of those tough life-lessons about how people should not be treated. I hope your son finds fun activities and other fun friends.
socks
12 years ago
I agree with Chisue and Matti.

You cannot run interference for your child as it will hamper his own independent development. Your confronting the Mom will not change anything at all. They are doing what they want. No phone call and certainly no email. Let it go, but busy your son with other friends and summer activities.
ellendi
12 years ago
It is very hard to stand by when your son is having his feelings hurt. Our mother instinct is to jump in and correct or resolve the situation for our children. The worst part is not knowing what happened for such an abrupt disconnect. I agree with Chisue, Matti and Socks.

I think you did all you can do. Maybe she felt you were pushy while you thought you was being assuring? Maybe she wants her son to have many friendships and thought your son was too needy? The list can go on and on.

I would talk to your son about contacting other friends and make plans for some fun activities. Maybe they will resume their friendship in the fall. Maybe at some point you will learn what happened.

Venting here is good. As my daughters were growing up, I remember many instances of hurt feelings. At one point my youngest had one friend at a time. It worked for a while, until it didn't. I sat with her and went through the entire class list name by name and we compiled a list of possible friends. She then had to invite them to an activity. Soon, they in turn reciprocated and she was back in the swing of things.

Weird situation

Comments (14)

Orchidllauraga

kayjones

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