If the kids live in his house, then he absolutely has a say in their discipline. Hopefully the two of you are on the same page with regard to when and how to discipline, because that is usually where the problems arise. But as long as you agree with his position, and he is willing to share in ALL of the parenting, then why should you care what anyone outside your home thinks?

I am a stepmom who has a full-time stepson..... my husband and I set the rules in our house and his son follows them -- whether it is me or my husband who enforces the rules, doesn't matter. We are the parents and we are trying to teach him the lessons he needs to learn to be a well-adjusted adult.

Just be sure that when you communicate to your family you don't say "he won't let them" but rather "they aren't allowed because they did such and such" That is critical because it tells your family that you and your fiance are both making the decisions.....and you aren't "blaming" him for the kids' not being allowed to visit.

I'ld like to hear from a Tenn. person, but I think there is a slight disconnect here. Where I live, a fiance becoming a spouse does not give them any additional rights. People other than parents do have ability to disclipline and the other parent can complain. Are these the father's relatives who are comlaining? I would recommend not infrininging on Dad's relative having time with the childrens, but rather alter the punishment (change time, etc). Actually, I would doubt the 18YO regards not visiting relatives as a punishment. And I agree not to put this all on him.

Kimmie - If you plan to spend your life with this man, then you two need to jointly decide on the rules of the house and consequences for breaking them. Then if you are home, YOU need to be the one handing out any punishments; if you're not home, then your fiance, BF or Hubby can do it. Not "allowing" him to enforce pre-agreed consequences will hobble him as a parent and set him up to be disrespected and ignroed by your kids. At the same time, he shouldn't be 'making up rules' and 'handing out punishments' that you two aren't on the same page about.

As to your parents -- If you are a self-sufficient adult, you need to stand up to them and tell them to stop interfering in your parenting decisions. If they have threatened legal action for anything short of physical abuse or neglect, then they are WAY overstepping their proper boundaries.

You said that your fiance is the primary breadwinner and that he moved into your home?
What was your financial situation before he moved in?
Were you financially dependant on your parents?
And is that why they are "calling the shots" in your home?

Kimmie,
I'm of the opinion that as long as the disciplining adult does it with love and care, then bring on the village :)
I concur with sweeby when she says "Not "allowing" him to enforce pre-agreed consequences will hobble him as a parent and set him up to be disrespected and ignroed by your kids. At the same time, he shouldn't be 'making up rules' and 'handing out punishments' that you two aren't on the same page about.
My father laid down the law when he married my SM..."If I EVER catch you disrespecting "Mom" heads will roll"! And believe me, we believed him :)
I'm glad he stood up for her, it taught us respect, loyalty, teamwork and more than I even know today.
I have to agree with kkny, in that not letting the kids go to a relatives home as punishment might not be what I'd choose. I tried to have the punishment "fit" the crime, not just some random thing I'd pronounce in the heat of the moment. And if I caught myself "doling" out punishments in a mad dash to get it over with, I'd try to backtrack, telling them I had to "think" about how to deal with the error of their ways :) That way, it gave me time to "cool" down and really think of something that did fit the incident.
As far as relatives threatening legal action? That is wrong and I highly doubt they have a leg to stand on.
I wish you the best of luck.

Ladies,
I totally agree with you. If I were a man and I was supporting someone elses kids and they live under my roof they will follow my rules. Sorry, if they dont like it dont let the door hit you in the booty!

I know someone who is in this sitution. He can support the two kids that are not his but he cant tell them what to do. He is to the breaking point and I tell him every chance I get to put her (the mother) out with yesterdays news.

I also agree that the decisions in your life belong to the two of you. I let others know in a very nice way that it is really no ones business.

Good luck to you on this one.

While I do agree that there should be consequences for not completing chores, I think that keeping them from visiting relatives as a result is harsh. Can't you ground them from things? If your boyfriend is keeping the kids going from a lot of family activities I see where your family would be upset. And this will keep your family from liking him. They will see him as a man trying to alienate you and your children from them.

As a parent in the home I do think that your boyfriend will and does have the right to enforce agreed upon punishments. But they should be things you have both agreed upon beforehand.

kimmie,

Any relatives threatening legal action because they don't like the way you are discipling your children are way out of line unless something abusive is going on. Are these your exe's people threatening?

Do you want your fiance to discipline your kids? You having him move in with you, become the primary breadwinner and all of that is between you and him, not really your kids. If you do, then that's it and tell your relatives so.

I would say just be careful especially with your 12 year old. I had a relative marry a man who moved in to her home with her then 13 year old son, start to discipline him and all hell broke loose because the 13 year old did not recognize him as being head of their already existing household. Much strife, the mom finally had to pick sides and they are divorced today. Way too much too soon. His income meant a lot to the mom and him, nothing to the son. Child support or lack thereof is important to the adults involved, I don't think kids do or don't do based on that at all. The woods are full of kids who still love their deadbeat dads.

I really get the feeling OP is confused. This guy moved in not longer after she met him. 5 months is not too long... not nearly as bad as a couple of weeks, but still not a long time in the kids' life to bring someone in and expect the kids to accept him disciplining them. The fact that she justifies it with saying he is now the breadwinner or that his money in any way gives him any rights to be disciplinarian, in my opinion, is a big red flag. I see where the family would be concerned, it's an issue of control that I've seen in domestic violence cases over and over. Whether it's his idea because he pays for things or her idea because she wants a 'father' figure or thinks it's the male role models job to be disciplinarian, doesn't make much difference. He's coming on scene with two kids that are used to one way and this guy that isn't even married to their mom is coming in and changing it all. That's bound to lead to resentment... if not now, later when they are becoming teens.

If BF is more consistent than mom, then he should nudge mom to stay consistent but mom should be disciplining the kids. They have the bond and they will know mom is doing it out of love, BF isn't. That bond just isn't there yet. BF can be supportive and back up mom but it's really mom's job to handle her own kids. Money has nothing to do with it. Who's house it is has nothing to do with it. Now, on that issue... I do think BF has a right to be treated with respect any human is entitled to. My motto is.. treat others the way you want to be treated. If BF is not nice to the kids, he can't expect them to be nice to him. But, if he is putting himself out there and trying to do nice things for them (and while paying the bills is a nice thing for them, it's also for him & their mother) then the mother should at least be teaching her kids to be appreciative when someone does something nice for them and not allow them to be rude. You can't make people like each other but you can tell children it's not acceptable to talk back or roll eyes, etc. But, I think this is mom's thing to handle.

As far as relatives go, threatening to file court papers is a big indication that either they are very controlling people and OP is dependent on them in some way or so immature that they are treating her as a child... or they are THAT concerned for the welfare of these children. Without knowing much about OP, I won't bother to guess but it's a huge red flag when family is willing to go to such an extreme.

It sounds to me, although you did not say, that you are giving him way too much rope, and your family sees that. They know more than you have told us here, and I would listen to them if I were you. I don't care about anyone's understanding advice, so I didn't read the other responses. It isn't that I have no respect for the advice offered, I just know we here are not there with you and your family, and we don't know the details. What I suspect your family is telling you, possibly without finding the exact words, is that BF is being too harsh with your children, and you are allowing it. For example, who in their right mind would think that visits with grandparents and other family are subject to discipline efforts? And why would you agree with that? Do you just go along with whatever he says and does with/to your children? That would be giving him too much control. Not even their own fathers should be given that much power. No one gets to do and say whatever they want where your children are concerned. Abuse has many levels, and most of them are nearly imperceptible, especially if you close your eyes thinking this man means well. He might and he might not. That is for you to discern, not just take it for granted. If you simply cannot see what I'm saying, then one way to find out is to pull in the reins. Tell him you want him to slack off a bit and leave the job of disciplining to you. If he objects or feels slighted, then that might be normal response. But, if he becomes angry, argumentative, insulting, or extremely defensive about it, then that is your red flag.

For some strange reason, you mention that he took over the household bills. So what? I have no idea why you mentioned that. Some women think the bread winner rules the house, and I fear that is what you think. Perhaps you are afraid of losing your bread winner, but you might be sacrificing your children in that exchange. I seriously doubt, SERIOUSLY DOUBT, your family is imagining anything, especially not to the point of threatening you with legal action. Open your eyes and see what they are talking about, or talk to them to get a better understanding to make sure you are not swapping your children's feelings and self-esteem for the light bill.

Since your fiance moved in have the house rules and consequences changed? Or are these the same rules you always had with the same consequences and is he just following up too? Oh, I also agree taking visiting time away from extended family isn't the best consequence.

I don't think it's wrong to tell a child.. 'if your room isn't clean, you won't be going to ice cream with grandma.' or 'you won't be going to aunties house to spend the night.' or some other visit that is a reward to the child. A child should not be withheld from family but sometimes you have to find something the child values very much as an incentive. I wouldn't say 'now that you broke the rules, you won't be going to aunties.' because after the fact, it doesn't give the child an opportunity to avoid that consequence. The consequences to actions should be clear BEFORE they break the rules. The child should always know that for this infraction, this is the consequence and yes, you need to be consistent and stick to it. Don't threaten things you are not willing to follow through on.

Ok, first off, thank you all for the advice and your thoughts on the matter. I think I may need to explain myself a little bit better than I did in my original post. My brain was still in hyper drive as all of this had just happened when I first posted, which is why my original post was a little scattered at best.

Firstly, this is MY mother, sister and brother in law that I am having issues with, not ex-in-laws, they surprisingly have no problems with the way in which I raise either of my children.

Secondly, my fiancee DOES NOT discipline my children on his own. What he does is help me to enforce any discipline that I have given the boys. He really makes sure that if I tell the boys they are grounded that I stick to it, and sometimes he is the one who talks me into shortening the grounding or calling it off all together depending on the circumstances.

Thirdly, in the past I have been financially dependant upon my family. They have paid utility bills, bought groceries, and basically supported myself and my children at various times through the years. I think the reason that I mentioned that my fiancee is the bread winner of our household now, was just to possibly make the point that financially I am not dependant upon them any longer. My fiancee and I share the financial responsibilities of our household, he just makes a little more money than I do. I am not "afraid of loosing my bread winner" as one comment pointed out, and I am in no way "swapping my children for the light bill". My boys are very accepting of my fiancee and respect him. He cares for them and makes sacrifices to make sure that WE can provide them with what is needed. He is not there only for the bills he can pay or rules he can help enforce. Believe me...I've been with someone before who could have cared less if the boys had a stitch of clothing on their backs as long as he had what he wanted. My fiancee is the absolute oppisite of that. He would give his last breath for the boys if that is what it took. He is committed to me and my children.

And the last point I would like to clarify is these are not new punishments or new rules because of my fiancee. I have tried and tried in the past to put these rules into action with my children to no avail. Mostly because I knew if I were to try and put my foot down with my family it would cause a major uproar. But the difference between then and now is now I have the support in the home that I need to make sure things get done and not just someone who throws their hands up with a "it's your kids and your family you deal with it and leave me out of it" which is what my ex was like.

My mother is of the opinion that it is absurd to ask a 12 year old to do the dinner dishes, clean his room and take out the trash or to ask an 8 year old to clean his room, vaccuum the living room carpet and dust the 3 tables in the living room. I was not raised having chores or consequences for not doing as I was told, I was however spanked for talking back or not minding. So as an adult when I moved out on my own, I had no clue how to properly care for a home. When I was younger mother may have told me to clean my room, but I rarely did because I knew if I didn't do it eventually she would and I could go about my business of playing. I do not want my children to grow up not knowing how to do simple household tasks. Yes they suck, no one likes to do dishes or vaccuum or dust but they are all things that have to be done for the home to look nice and run smoothly.

The boys know both the rules and consequences well before hand. But they've in the past been able to whine and sulk their way out of punishments. I do try to follow through with things and not just threaten. Consistancy has always been a problem for me, mainly because even if I did ground the children and still let them go to their grandmothers or on a trip with Auntie and Uncle once out of my sight my family let them do as they please.

And yes, my family is has threatened legal action. The words came out of my sisters mouth as "if things don't go back to like they were (they would get the boys whenever with little to no notice by telling me they were doing something with them instead of asking me if they could) We'll make sure that you don't have the boys anymore and we'll do it through the courts" My sister has money and believes that will get her whatever or whomever she wants. She loves to throw my past mistakes in my face, she refuses to see that I have changed drastically over the years because I will forever be the "baby" to everyone in my family. She has even told me that I have to respect her because SHE is an adult. Guess at 34 I'm still not an adult yet. lol

Kimmie, what is your gut feeling and/or opinion on what is driving your family members actions/thoughts about this? Are they REALLY an unbearably over-controlling bunch? Do you have MORE reason or LESS reason to think they are primarily acting on their love & concern for you & your kids?

One very valid thing I can figure is that they perceive ---perhaps correctly--- that your fiance will attempt to push them to the perimeter of your life and your kids' lives. The reason I say "perhaps correctly" is that he has already threatened to cut the kids off (and by extension, you, since you'd be transporting the kids and presumably stopping in for a quick visit yourself) from visits to family members ostensibly as punishment for some broken rule. And also because unfortunately many spouses (step-parents or not) are insecure and threatened by a cohesive family of in-laws and will consciously or unconsciously attempt to limit their contact/influence, whether this is warranted or not. It happens all the time. From their perspective, it looks like this is already starting and he isn't even married to you yet. They are nervous and afraid of losing you due to his having too much control, and in my opinion they have valid reason to be concerned.

His helping you enforce your own system of reasonable discipline, chores, etc. is fine. But it does sound like HE came up with the idea to cut off visits with their relatives as a punishment, which is unacceptable. (Yes, it's okay to say to kid & grandma: "no ice cream today b/c he broke a rule", but NOT OKAY to deny vistation altogether.)

Pay attention and be alert to other ways in which he might attempt to cut off contacts with family, friends, etc. It can be the sign of an abuser, or just someone too insecure, immature and self-preoccupied to get along harmoniously enough with other people. If you truly don't believe he has anything but the best intentions at heart, then it might just be that you have to gently explain that there are certain things you won't accept him doing, and that if he wants things to work well, he will hear you out and back off where he needs to back off. If he has abusive tendencies at all, he will pitch a little (or big) hissy fit and/or criticize YOUR parenting and/or make various threats, and at that point you can promptly kick him to the curb.

That's the thing...we/me/he is not trying to cut off visitation all together. We just want them to respect the fact that if the boys don't follow the rules they don't get to go to gram's for the night or to the movies. They want to make it sound like we never want the boys around them again...and that's not at all the case. He has actually told me that I should go over to mothers more than I do...because truthfully I have went for weeks even a month one time without speaking to or seeing my mother. They can be and most of the time are very controlling. Fiancee did not come from a close knit family and really tries to keep me involved with them, whether it is reminding me just to call mother to say hello or waking up one morning and saying "hey, let's go over and hang out with momma for a while today". So in no way are we totally trying to keep the kids away from anyone. Just trying to enforce rules by a case by case basis.

I'm glad you clarified. Sounds less worrisome than I thought. But even still, your mom/family may not know that as surely... and really, the visits shouldn't be cut off, both to reassure your family and to keep up a good pattern of family connections for you & the kids. I woudn't lump in "they don't get to go to gram's" with "or to the movies", like they're the same sort of thing. Certainly you have every right to ask & expect that your mom will not indulge your kids on their visits when they've broken rules or not lived up to their part of some bargain (i.e. chores). If she shows a pattern of severely undermining your code of discipline/consequences in the future, then you can address that at that point. But cutting out the visit altogether hurts more than just the kid being punished and just isn't a pattern that's conducive to good relationships/bonds in the long-term. JMHO.... make the decisions you feel are ultimately for the best.

Not much time now, but just wanted to suggest that instead of saying "No" to Grandma, you say:

"As soon as Junior finishes cleaning his room he'll be able to go with you for ice cream. I've asked him twice already, and he knows what he needs to do to be able to go."

Find 3-4 different ways to say it so that the message is always "Yes - when" or "Yes - as soon as" instead of "No he can't." A subtle difference, but that might be enough to get the rpessure off, plus it's a great way to get the kids to do their chores.

I've asked him twice already, and he knows what he needs to do to be able to go."

Oops! I meant "I've asked him twice already, and he knows what he needs to do BEFORE HE GOES."

As you see, it'll take some practice to get your lines down...