Problem with my adult children & my 2nd husband

11 years ago

Hi everyone,
I really would like some advice and ideas. Maybe a little back history...I left my husband of 22 yrs, our children were 21 & 18. He was very controlling etc and I'd basically had enough and got out.
Long story short, I met my present husband and we married 20 yrs ago. So my adult children are now daughter 43 and son 40. Basically they have never 'liked' my husband and no matter how much he tries he is basically ignored by them. My son will speak to him if he's spoken to but never initiates any chat. My daughter is blatantly rude to the point that she's told my young twin grandsons that he's not part of 'our' family.
My husband & I lived in Spain for 14 yrs but came back to the UK in 2012 and live in my home town which is where they live too. Each Christmas we've been invited to my daughters and my son (he's single) is there too. And it's difficult to say the least. This year my husband has said flatly he doesn't want to go there. Part of me thinks...oh but it's my family but a bigger part of me also can't be bothered to play 'happy families' any more. I'd like us to eat out somewhere but we really don't have money for those prices, or to go away for a few days. We don't have any friends we could be with either. Maybe I just don't need to find an excuse but just bite the bullet and tell them both? This subject has been discussed with them over the years but nothing ever changes.
I know my daughter doesn't particularly like her father's other wife either but I know she doesn't treat her the same way as my husband.
Has anyone been in a similar situation or have any advice? Sorry this is so long....

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Comments (5)

sylviatexas1
11 years ago
I'm so sorry.

These things sort of build up over time, & you don't notice it until they're just unbearable.

Both you & your husband have endured enough;
it's time you stopped subjecting yourselves to this abuse.

Your children have too little responsibility & too much power, & they will only get worse if they're allowed to.

You & your husband are each other's partners;
you take care of each other, you support & love each other, you scrub one another's backs in the shower & you bring each other soup & crackers when you have a tummyache.

You are life partners, & it's way past time for you to have your own holiday traditions-
traditions that are fun!

(I usually think of "time to start our own traditions" as a younger couple having holiday celebrations in their own home rather than going to either set of parents.

Here, I think it's time to have your holiday celebrations in your own home & not go to your children's!)

Your own home is a nice, cozy, comfortable, harmonious place to be.

Fix yourselves a nice dinner, light a fire if you can, have a glass of wine, watch old movies, talk (what a concept!);
enjoy yourselves the way you're entitled to.
Do not talk about the children;
do not think about the children;
these times are for the two of you.

You're lucky to have each other, & time goes by very fast.

Start your traditions this year.
Janetelizabeth1
Original Author
11 years ago
Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. And you're exactly right of course.
In reality though we've actually spent most of our holiday times together because we were living in Spain...just the two of us. We thought it was a nice idea to be invited to share their Christmas day etc when we returned to the UK to live again but not anymore!!!
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Karen10125
11 years ago
you could also start a new tradition by having something at your place on Christmas Eve, inviting your children and their families and see how that goes. Maybe they'll act different toward your husband if he's in HIS home. And then that way, Christmas Day is just the two of you and you don't have to deal with all the b.s. And if either of them ask why not Christmas Day I would just be honest and say that your husband, their stepfather, isn't given the respect he deserves, life is short and he deserves a pleasant Christmas Day just like anyone else. They are way too old to be acting this way, time to put your foot down. Best of luck to you.
Janetelizabeth1
Original Author
11 years ago
Thanks Karen. My son does normally come here the day after Christmas day for a meal as he's on his own and that's not too bad.
Back in July my husband was 70 yrs old and I invited them all round for a slice of birthday cake etc. They all came, nobody wished him HB except the twins. They all talked between themselves and excluded my husband. My son gave him a card, no present. My daughter gave him a card and half the amount of cash that I give them for their present. I only point that out because to me it shows how grudging they are towards him.
They definitely don't think of him as a stepfather and the grandsons don't call him grandad, just by his first name; another snub!
sylviatexas1
11 years ago
Oh, dod, it just gets worse & worse!

These adult people have chosen how to behave, & it's obnoxious & insulting.

Don't invite them to your home so they can dish out more of the same, & keep them away from your husband.

Problem with my adult children & my 2nd husband

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Problem with my adult children & my 2nd husband

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