Come be my mom! Sometimes I ask for her advice and she is so worried she'll get it wrong, even if it's what I need to hear... she won't give it. She's gotten better over the years. I think she also thought she wasn't qualified to give it. I've gotten better tough love from GW than from her on occasion. Bless her little soul. She knows I love her and I know she loves me. :) So. Here's my suggestion. Ask them before they start or as soon as you realize they're "talking/asking advice", ask them if you're supposed to just hear them or if they want your advice. I learned to preface my conversations with my family members a long time ago and it helped cut down on friction. When I know I just want to be heard, I'll say, "Can I just vent?" or if I want advice I say, "What do you think about this?" and then end it with "It's ok if you don't agree with me. And I may or may not follow it, yours is just one opinion I am getting". It seems to free up the "listener" and help me be less frustrated because I am more certain with where I am going with what I am saying. Hope this helps you. It's good to be near your family, isn't it?

I wouldn't use the word "wrong", but I would call it perhaps short-sighted and lacking in awareness. You seem to have no idea HOW or WHY the problem between your children, your husband and yourself developed. Why is it that you don't have any insight into this? Have you ever tried counseling or even a good heart-to-heart with any of your kids? have you sat down and pondered what might be underlying their distance? (I'm not presuming you haven't, I am just asking.) The children you gave birth to are too important (and not just them themselves, but to YOU as their mother) to not probe this deeper. By insisting that you delve int the source of the problem, I am not necessarily assuming that your kids have a great reason for keeping their distance from you and your husband. Their reasons may range from completely valid to terribly selfish, or --if they're like most people--- some combination or somewhere in between. They would certainly not be the first children of divorce in blended families to have such mixed feelings, or to find it hard to connect with their role in the newly blended family. They also wouldn't be the first to have some unresolved anger, or an attitude about it, not necessarily because you or your husband have done anything so awful but simply because of the fact that their family is not what it once was. Often, unfortunately, this kind of deep-seated upset can manifest by the kids choosing ---consciously or unconsciously--- to keep their distance, knowing no other way to effectively deal with feelings they may not even fully recognize in themselves. You are asking for a reasonable amount of consideration from your kids, but I would ask on their behalf for a reasonable amount of consideration on your end as to what their underlying needs and feelings might be. I don't know your kids, but maybe you don't know them as well as you could, either. It's possible they truly are despicable oafs who are no longer worth your time or consideration. But wow, what a thing to say/feel about your own kids. Is that really how you want it? I doubt it, or you wouldn't be on here asking about it. I might also ask you at this point what sort of input your husband and stepchildren have on the matter of your kids. Do they encourage you to explore the issues or seek counseling or literature on the subject of blended families? Do they express any empathy for what it may feel like to have been in your kids' shoes, post-divorce? Are they welcoming when your kids are around? Basically: are they a force for trying to build bridges or do they encourage you to build walls? Again, I am not assuming they are or are not one way or the other... just that this can have a big impact on the cohesiveness of the blended family and either ease or exacerbate tensions and distance...

So typical for the women to be fighting. And so typical for the men to be absent, big-hearted, out of touch, clumsy, passive and will do anything to avoid confrontation. Ask yourself this, as women: Would you allow your grown children to treat your spouse with disrespect? Would you allow your spouse to treat your children with disrespect? One example in the original post, was that the stepmother controlled every second of the father's time, and didn't allow him to speak on the phone with his children. How many women would allow a spouse to ban then from speaking with their own kids? Women who would allow this need to call an abuse hotline. As women, we are nurturers and protectors. We are fierce about protecting those we love. We can mediate, moderate, set limits and still show our love without preference. Everyone knows how much we value them in our families. Showing love to one doesn't mean we have to abandon anyone else. I think this list for stepmothers to adult stepchildren is a surface reaction to the symptom. I could write an equal list of directives aimed at adult stepchildren. The problem as I see it, is the difference between men and women, how we think, what motivates us, how we deal with family. We expect men to think as we do. We don't understand when they don't. And in their absence, we square off and attack the opposing females. Then the men are forever victims, "stuck in the middle", like big, fence-riding whiners. Disengaging is a great tool many females in step-roles use. It's next in line to being married to a man who can actually love equally, be fair, have expectations and boundaries for the people in his family. I disengaged several years ago. I went from unsuccessfully trying to have a relationship with my stepchildren, who made it clear for many years that they weren't interested, to losing interest myself. It is unrewarding and defeating to continue trying to have a relationship with someone who doesn't want one. No more fighting. Part of disengaging means I am also not responsible for reminding my husband of birthdays, initiating visits to see his children, encouraging him to call them, etc. He and they are on their own to navigate their own relationship. They aren't banned from our home and are welcome to come, they just rarely ever do. Nobody is to blame, it's just often how these stepfamilies go when they don't work for everybody. I find it better when we lower our expectations, accept the reality (or not), and stop thinking that our lives will be glamorous if we all can just be one big happy family. Being one big happy family is no longer on my bucket list. If it happens, that's great. Will be another nut on my sundae, but that's about all.

Thank you all for giving me advice. The SD does work part time as a hairstylist. She did go to school for it and does not have her license yet. When she first moved in, my DH (her Dad) told her the BF could NOT move in. He told her that before we moved her stuff in and again once she was settled in. When he told her again that day she said "What?? BF can't stay here too??" He said "No, I told you that! He is 27 and has been in and out of jail and I don't trust him in my home!" Well, she was ticked. So, she said, "Well, I'll just leave my stuff here and we will go over to Mom's to sleep at night". So, that is what they did for a month or so. (DH did not make her pay rent right away) So, after a month or so, DH said "Well, your BF can spend the weekends here only" That went on for another month or so and then the BF had to go serve some jail time for some fines he hadn't paid. So, he was gone most of the summer. We only charged her a small amount to stay here while he was gone. Then he got out of jail and my DH said "Well, he can live here too as long as you pay rent". The rent they pay barely covers the cost of the utilities they use a month. It doesn't cover the cost of the phone, cable, wear and tear on my washer and dryer let alone the inconvience of having them be here. My DH does not let me have a voice in any of these things. I am VERY assertive and I do make him aware of my opinion but in the end he just tells me I need to stay out of it. Here is an example of what happened yesterday: BF left for work (a co-worker picks him up for his job since he has no drivers license) Then SD left for her job. I had a paid day off from work. So, I go downstairs to their "area" and I take a quick look around. In the 9 months that they have been in this house I have only done this 3 times. My DH and I do want to make sure that things are not broken down there or filthy. So, about a month ago I had left them a note to please clean out the frig and clean out the shower-it was disgusting. Well, I looked down there yesterday and not a thing has changed. They totally blew the note off. So, I went and moved all the bottles of shampoo, shavers and etc in the shower to the middle of the shower so they could see how gross it was. There was actually mold growing under everything. That is ridiculous! I have no desire to make them do their dishes or shampoo carpets or whatever-cause I don't want to nit-pic, but some things have to be handled. DH got home from work and we went out to eat. We came back and SD had an envelope on our kitchen counter that said "DAD" So he opens it. She wrote a note that said: Dad, someone was in our bedroom today because the over head fan was off and we always leave it on. Also, someone put all our stuff from our shower in the middle of the shower and I know it's dirty but since we pay rent 'no one' should be snooping in our stuff" So, DH looks at me. I said "Yeah, I did look in the shower and put the stuff in the middle, I told you it's moldy in there but No, I did NOT look in the bedroom" So, he goes downstairs and speaks to her. He comes up and I said "So, what is the verdict? What did you say to her?" He looked at me and said "I don't want to be a referrery between you two". So, he left it at that. He did mumble something about how he would "look at the bathroom in a few days" God, how lame. I have no voice in this crap. No matter what I do, I'm the "bad guy". If SD thinks I'm not going to inspect that area now and then to make sure nothings broken or disgustingly filthy she's got another thing coming!! Yes, my DH and his Ex are at fault for not raising them they way they should. He Ex always wanted to be her girls BF not a Mother. DH got sick of always fighting with her about how she would let them off the hook when he grounded them for doing something wrong. So, after a while he gave up and didn't punish them at all. He knows he is at fault for not standing up to her and doing the right thing.