Usually I would say punishment should not transfer from house to house. But since this situation seems serious I do think that the tv grounding at your house too would be in order.

***I would only do that though if BM is enforcing it at hers as well. If SD can do whatever she wants there and bm gives her no consequences then you should not be the bad guys.***

We transfer punishments from one house to the other. But, the problem arises for us that what we consider grounded and what Bm considers grounded are two entirely different things. But, all in all we do enforce punishments that each parent gives out. However, completely agree with mom2emall.. you should only be enforcing a punishment that was given and is being enforced by Bm ... at least with this situation. If Bm doesnt take charge and deal with it then it is her bad if she loses her job. There are more serious issues (like drugs or something), however, that I really couldnt care less where it happened it needs to be addressed and if one parent isnt doing... I think it is the duty of the other parent to the children to take care of it. It sucks but that is just the way it is sometimes.

If the problem is occuring at Mom's house, then she needs to address it there. BM has to take some responisbility for the situation and not blame it all on the child, after all, she is the parent. It appears that the problem is between the child and her BM. It sounds as if SD may be trying to get BM's attention as any attention will do, even if negative. I agree with Mom2, why should you have to be the bad guys?

In our home, in most cases, punishments do not carry over to the other home. However, that does not mean the punishment goes away. If she is grounded before she leaves, then the punishment continues when she returns. There have been times that we have all agreed to continuing a punishment, but those times are reserved for more serious matters and are few.

It is correct that each parent has different ideas of proper behavior and what its consequences should be. In most cases, as is apparent here, parenting styles are different.

Thanks for the opinions. I can't talk him out of it though. And it's just no tv for one night/weekend. If it works it works and if it doesn't I guess we won't do it again.

I too feel as though mom's mismanaged household should not be our burden. And that SD should not spend what little time she has with her dad being in trouble. This could easily be fixed if mom would just get her s*#t together! We are just tired of hearing about how "bad" SD is. And then hearing that nothing was done about it!

I think both parents should support each other. If mom says something (lays down the law), dad should be supportive & back her up and vice versa. It's great if both parents are willing to do that, even when they don't agree or get along... but if they do it for the kids. Unfortunately, that's rare... at least from what I've seen. When my SD gets in trouble here, she runs to mom and mom gets mad at us and coddles SD, telling her how terrible she feels that she got in trouble.. etc. So, it makes added conflict. SD doesn't complain about mom at all, maybe because mom lets her do whatever she wants or maybe because we don't give it the same attention mom gives her when she complains about us. We had the same problem before we got married & SD was going to moms one week, dad the next. She behaved for us and not for mom. Mom grounded her and we decided to keep her grounded at our house that week. We told SD that we would back mom and within a few weeks, BM was not being consistent and SD was acting up again. We decided we were not going to punish her here if mom wouldn't do anything there.

Then, there was an incident where SD called 911 from her taekwondo studio. BM called DH to tell him how bad SD was and that she was grounded for a week. (this was AFTER she moved away with her new BF & SD was living with us full time and seeing mom on weekends only) Well, that was Saturday afternoon and we picked up SD on Sunday night. The first thing SD told us was how much fun stuff she got to do on Sunday. When DH asked SD what punishment she got for calling 911, she said that mom went to a BBQ and she had to stay at grandma's house playing video games. Yeah, punishment???? We didn't extend her punishment. We talked to her about WHY she did what she did and it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that she wanted mom's attention. Her mom had recently moved away, giving us custody and they (BM, SD & her sister) were all in taekwondo together before mom moved away. When mom moved away, SD could not be in taekwondo with her sister because it was an hour away from our house. Her sister stayed in it and when BM took SD to the sister's tournament, SD felt jealous because she wanted to be in the tournament too and sister was getting all the attention. BM was so busy with sister that SD was left in an office where she decided to use the phone to call 911. The reason BM was so angry is the police reprimanded her in front of the taekwondo instructors that all knew her. She never figured out that her daughter is acting out over things she did.

My opinion is that you should deal with her behavior at your house. If BM is being consistent with her and wants a punishment to be extended, then I would probably compromise depending on the offense. If it's a minor infraction, dad's time shouldn't be burdened with that. If it's a major infraction, then maybe not plan to do anything extra fun but I wouldn't stick her in a room for full on grounding. (maybe tell her "we WERE going to go to a movie this weekend but since you are grounded, we'll have to stay home") or if dad thinks it warranted, give her a chore to do at dad's like raking leaves. It would depend on what she did wrong but if it's just not listening to mom, that's mom's problem.. not dad's.

This can be a double edged sword. The only reason I say this is because when the girls mother still had custody of them she would call almost everynight wanting J to "get control" of the girls for her.

She either wanted him to threaten them over the phone or physically come to her apartment and lay into them. We both had a problem with this because poor J was always the "bad guy". Even when we didn't have them he was the one having to lay down the law. AT some point both parents should be able to discipline their children and gain respect from them without the other parent having to swoop in and save the day by being the mean one all of the time.

Now if one parent has a restriction at one house then the other parent should try yo accomadate that but I don not think your husband should be the MAIN disciplinarian for BOTH households. Mom should be putting her on restriction as well if it's that big of a deal. In short disciplining is up to all the parents....not just the man.

We get calls all the time asking DH to discipline the kids for something that they did at their mom's house.

Most of what they are "in trouble" for at moms, wouldnt be something we would be upset about at our home. Husband declines to discipline kids for infractions at moms house , mostly because he doesnt ( and I dont) see them as infractions, just different parenting styles.

Its pretty unworkable to punish kids for what they do at someone elses house. Firstly, you dont know exactly what they did; you only have the other parent's description of it. Who here thinks the other parent always tells the whole truth and only the truth, and is accurate in their description all the time?

Secondly, its impossible to know the circumstances surrounding it if it happens in someone elses home. Hypothetically, suppose Mom called Dad , asking him to punish Susie, 9, for punching her stepbrother, 7. What mom may leave out is the fact that stepbrother trashed susie's room that morning, called her fat, and then was in her face doing stupid thing kids for the hour before the incident happened. Susie may have just had enough, but mom neglects to mention that.

I wouldnt punish for something that was done at moms. Thats her job. If she cant handle it, then she needs parenting classes or counselling for herself.

Normally, I'm in favor of backing up the other parent's discipline -- but not this time.

BioMom is not managing her household, and wanting you two to jump in and fix it just doesn't seem fair. If she's having trouble getting an 8 year old up and ready for school, the simplest and most effective solution would be to simply deliver the child to school in her PJs with a change of clothes in a paper bag. Problem solved. BioMom needs to step up and show some determination.

Good answer Sweeby!! It is hard sometimes to enforce rules, and so hard to see the look on their little faces, but one day of being in PJ's at school would probably nip this whole thing right in the bud!

"I wouldnt punish for something that was done at moms. Thats her job. If she cant handle it, then she needs parenting classes or counselling for herself."

Ditto. This is what J wound up telling biomom almost exactly.

We tend to carry consequences between BM's house, our house and Papa's house (but not GM's house, because she doesn't actually supervise my SS, she just lets him run wild)

He's 9 and he sometimes is grounded for being disrespectful (like when he told his GM to F--- Off) or being violent (like when he got in a fight at school).
We favour short but horrible groundings - one or two days but he isn't allowed to do anything but sit in his room and read or colour.
BM favours long but permissive grounding - no tv for two weeks.
We don't initiate consequences for something occuring at another house, but we respect the choice of the other caregivers on the punishment they have doled out.

That said, we will also discuss a bad behaviour from his mom's house with him. He's been mouthing off to his mom's BF lately, and we talked about that with him. He was hiding his ADHD meds instead of taking them at GM's house this summer, and we discussed that with him.

So, IMO, Dad should not dish out a punishment for something that Mom can't handle at her own house... But he should have a heckuva talk with DD about why she is doing this and why it is unacceptable... IMO, he should also talk to Mom to establish a plan for is this continues, and they should inform DD of what the consequences will be if it continues.

I wouldn't transfer the punishment. If BM is lax, she will push off all the discipline to your husband. Then, it won't be effective punishment at all.

For me, the whole issue is one of appropriate discipline and consequences for misbehavior. If a normally-good kid makes a really bad call and does something very wrong, I think both sets of parents should get together and enforce the consequences that carry across both households. I mean, how effective can a 'grounding' be if the kid gets the weekend off?

But in this case, the whole problem is the lack of discipline (not punishment - discipline, rules, limits) at Mom's house. And Mom is the only one who can solve that problem. Now IMO, Dad shouldn't undermine Mom, and should voice mild verbal support for Mom's presumably-unpopular decisions. But for him to be the one grounding her? Not a reasonable request...

Sweeby I agree and don't think punishing her at Dad's is fair (to us) because the punishment (that mom decided on) is not help up at Mom's. If it was then maybe I'd feel differently about upholding it. We (all 3 of us) work for the same company...a very large company. We are all in different buildings across or down the street from each other. But I saw mom today and asked her how her punishment (going straight to bed after dinner) worked out and did SD get up ok this morning for school. She said that they were out running errands last night and that daughter watched tv before bed! And now daughter is in her room at our house just reading because that is all she is allowed to do. Drives me nuts! By the way....she got up for school ok today because she knew she would be coming to our house tonight and she knew she was going to be punished.

Unless its something you KNOW you can correct with a continued punishment at your home then don't do it .... BM would tell my SC I am going to tell Pseudo knowing full well if they were punished here it sticks so she would call me and get them punished on our time but on her time it was a free for all ....

So we decided to only punish here for stuff they did here its on mom to punish them at her home for stuff they do there.

BM calls the childrens counselors for "parenting tips" ... basic stuff .... they fight all the time about xbox what can I do ... counselor says take the xbox away does she? NO ...

They won't brush their teeth .... no xbox until teeth are brushed... no change.

So if you don't think it will fix the problem it isn't your problem.

I think nothing in this life is easy. I think there are gender differences in parenting (as evidenced by "wait till your father gets home"). Not always, but sometimes. In intact families, this works. In divorced families it gets a little mangled. I think most times it is easier for SMs to discipline -- the stepchild is at a minimum, a little bit different than their own bio child. I think we have all seen many posts here where a SM says things about a stepchild that it would be highly unusual for a mom to say. Again, all of this is generalities, which are not true for every situation. I think dad has to think, what is in best interest of child. If mom needs his help in discipline, he should. It is no ones best interest if child doesnt do homework, etc.

I still think if the behavior is constant at one household the only person who can change that behavior is the parents at THAT household.

In OP's case the kid gives dad and her no problem but runs mom through the ringer. Mom is the one who needs to re-educate herself on how to deal with the child if she ever wants to have any control. Getting daddy ,or anyone else for that matter, to step in all the time is not going to get that child to respect her anymore. She will just seem weak and incapable of handling the kid on her own.

Plus no one wants to be interrupted three times a day to get onto their kids at the other household. J hated that everytime she would call he was put in the position to correct some behavior instead of just chat. It's unfair to make one parent always be the bad guy...plus it gets really disruptive when the calls are constant. He finally had to tell her to be a parent and get control.

"I think most times it is easier for SMs to discipline "

Huh? Did I read that right KKNY?
Can you clarify?

What I meant -- maybe not said so well -- is that a SM is more along the scale of a teacher, etc, who is somewhat more removed.

I agree with Sweeby. This is not a situation that would effect both households. It only effects mom's home so mom needs to change things.

I agree with Sweeby that she needs to get delivered to school in pajamas with unbrushed teeth and all if she doesn't want to get up. No arguing about it. Mom shouldn't even say a word. Just pick her up and put her in the car like that. Say "have a great day!" with the biggest smile on her face and leave. I'm pretty sure it will get the point across.

The only time we transfer punishments is if it is something serious. And there have been a couple of serious things, but not too many.

The problem with us and X is that DS's sarcastic behavior is acceptable at X's place because it's the same behavior X and GF have. But it's not acceptable anywhere else. DS is too young to use sarcasm correctly so it comes off angry and rude as opposed to funny and teasing. X tells teacher he doesn't know what we're talking about because he's really good for him. Whatever!

Also, the only time I call X to help with a situation is if everything I can do has been done and nothing has worked. And, believe me, that's very, very rare.

KKNY - I can agree with that. But the same is true for a SF.

Well, Step parents in some cases may be more "removed" but I still think both bio parents should be responsible for the basic disciplining on their own time.

I don't see how the mom always calling the dad to "back her up" will send a message of being in control to the child. A child will never gain respect for a parent who constantly throws in the towel and has to be reduced to calling the other parent for back up.

90% of the time it's the woman calling the man. If the kids male you are sending him the message that women are weak and always need a man to do thier dirty work. If the the kids a female you are sending her that same message. More women need to fight their own battles when it comes to discipline IMHO.

Ashley, I absolutely agree with you, and I think the sitatuion can get much more dangerous with a SF. SM and SDs, I think, are more likely to have snits, etc. SF can get dangerous. I AM NOT PUTTING DOWN ALL SFs -- just saying care is needed.

Doodle, I think 3 times a day is overkill, but I do think Dad trying to help out is a good idea.

Thank you everybody for all the advice. After reading some more today we decided to forgo the extra punishment of no tv this weekend. BM has not held up the punishment at her house at all. So we are just going to forget it. If she gets fired it is her own fault.

Last night we told SD that she would be spending the weekend with us. And she said, "But I thought it's my Mom's turn to have me this weekend?" . And my DH just said well mom has things to do this weekend so you are going to stay with us. And it broke my heart to see the look on her face. So I blurted out....well maybe mom is buying you xmas presents this weekend and can't have you tagging along. And she replied saying that couldnt be the case because mom shopped on black friday and said her shopping was all done. GRRRRRRR! Mom's actually going to AC this weekend. GRRRRRR!

That situation right there is the reason parents should be honest with their kids. FDH used to lie to FSD when we would go out on dates. He'd tell her he was working (hes in construction so it's not unusual for him to work weird hours) so she wouldn't get mad. But then I'd have to lie as well or rememember not to talk about it when she's around. It's way too much! If X and I have to switch weekends, we tell DS what's going on. No big deal! What is there to hide?

even though i believe that parents have to work as a team, i think it is uneralistic to follow up with rules and have the same rules in different houses. if kids aren't allowed TV at dad's house I do not see any reason for them not to watch TV at mom's place unless of course parents discussed and agreed that rules have to match 100%. but then maybe they should get back together and live in the same household. until then there will be different rules.

i also do not believe in controlling what is happening in other parent's house (with the exception of abuse)

I agree with Kathline saying 'I wouldnt punish for something that was done at moms. Thats her job. If she cant handle it, then she needs parenting classes or counselling for herself'
If SD is well behaved at your home than I would not yeopardise loosing that because of BM's issues. The issues don't stem from SD8 but from BM, leave them with BM.
If it was SD8 you would have similar problems at your home I imagine. Discipline at your house is obviously working well for she is so well behaved and therefore changing your own ways would be the last thing I would do.
Seriously, BM needs to deal with the real issue here because your SD8 would respond well to it, her behaviour at your home being the proof of that.

And let's face it; even if parents do agree that discipline could cross over, than I think they should both agree on the type of discipline and they should both enforce it. The fact that BM does not enforce it is a deal-breaker, full stop.

Beth, we def. stopped all punishment at our house. And unless it's a MAJOR offense I don't think either of us are going to be willing to be talked into punishing her for something she did at her mom's. I had the same thought that punishing her could change her behavior at our house which I would dread because she's so great now.

Ashley, we didn't tell SD that her Mom basically ditched her to hang out with some new guy she just met. We didn't really know what to say or how to say it. We just tried to keep the weekend busy with activities.

Sminnji - Oh, I definitely don't think you or DH are responsible for telling her. BM should've been the one to tell her, for sure. Sorry, I wasn't clear on that in my statement above (guess that's been happening a lot to me lately).

lol....thanks. :)

I had to think of this thread today when I found out SD lied to everyone this last week.

She has a report due in January & was to turn in notes last week. The teacher sent a note on Friday that a few students hadn't turned in their notes but the class was supposed to be working on their rough draft. When she came back from BM's on Sunday, we asked her & she told us she turned in her notes and was working on her rough draft already. Monday, I went on Aeries Browser & see she has no points for her notes and at dinner, we ask her why. Then she says her mom took them out of her backpack on the weekend. Well, Friday she came home before her mom picked her up so she didn't take her backpack. She says, not this weekend, the weekend before. She swears she has 5 pages of notes at her mom's house. Well, I text her mom & ask if she took the notes out & she says 'no, they are in her desk at school' and swears she saw them two weeks ago. I call her teacher and the teacher tells me she asked SD yesterday and SD told her she was almost done with it. She said she would check her desk & call me later. She calls me back after lunch and tells me SD had a few notes buried in her desk but nowhere near done. She kept her in at lunch and kept her after school to work on it. The notes and rough draft are supposed to be turned in by Friday so they can start working on the final draft on winter break. It's due a week after school resumes. We are upset that she lied to us, the teacher and maybe her mom... although her mom also lied about seeing the notes in her desk. We want to ground her but she leaves in a few days to her mom's and then has a week of 'FUN' and when she gets back, guess who has to be the meanies and make her work on her project. (DH won't let her take it to her mom's to work on it because her mom will just do it for her)

Meanies?? Sorry but having a kid do schoolwork that is already past due in my mind isn't mean. Maybe you should point out to her that if she had it done on time or even early then she could be spending her free time now doing whatever she wanted. It may give her something to think about when future projects are due close to the holidays....

sminnj,

I know, but SD will go tell BM how we make her do her homework and instead of telling her 'good, you are supposed to do your homework!', BM will tell her 'oh baby, I'm so sorry!' and SD will cry and BM will comfort her. We know why they do that... SD want's BM's attention, BM feels guilty when SD cries to her. But, it doesn't make it easier for us to be the heavy all the time. It usually is blamed on me since daddy wouldn't be making her do this stuff if I wasn't making him.