Ugh. that sucks

It sounds as if this has been going on for quite a while.

Our current problem with the SD, soon to be 13, is in some ways similar. She lies about her homework. She doesnt bring home her grades. All she cares about is her social life and her looks. Having the right clothes is more important to her than breathing.

Part of it is the age she is at, unfortunately. Society has one helluva lot of pressure on young girls these days to fit impossible standards. I wouldnt be 13 again for anything.

Another big part of the me me me and my social life thing comes from the tv. Hubby and I rarely watch, as we much prefer to read, but we had occasion recently to sit with SD while she was watching some of the more common shows that are aimed at her age group. Shows like Im so Raven, or zoe 101. Husband and i were totally shocked. It seems the message young girls are getting is

To be mean to anyone who doesnt look or dress right is cool

You must have a cell phone, an internet connection and a car at your disposal to actually fit in

Your clothes, your body shape and your looks are what judge whether you are one of the in crowd or an outcast.

Putting down others who dont meet your standards is how you get popular.

Parents are out of touch and to be ignored.

Other family maembers, ie siblings are to be babied by you. You should always tell them what to do and how to do it because you know best.

boys are stupid....throw rocks at them, but compete like hell for their attention at the same time.

ONce again, I am glad that all my birth children are boys. I have only the one stepdaughter, and I have no idea how to make her feel good about herself, since the things that seem to be what makes you good in the eyes of your peers these days, are so perverted and screwy that I cant begin to understand.

Hang in there. I am sure they will outgrow it, right?

I pray hard every day that she'll grow out of it and have 3 just like herself!

My only birth child is a boy too so beyond being 13 and female once, and being female period, this girly stuff is beyond me. Tonka, Spiderman, and Ben 10 I can handle, Pink however, confuses the hell out of me. :)

Ah, a kindred spirit. Hot screaming pink makes me nauseated :)

The entire girls section at the store almost blinds me. I refuse to buy anything in that particularly lurid shade that young girls seem to love so much.

Hi hecallsmemom

My husband did go to school with my SS one day - and thats all it took. Public humiliation goes a long way - your husband should try it... if she is all about social standing, it might be especially effective.

My SS grades at that point were so horrible that if he received another F, they were going to fail him for the year. My husband told him well, maybe your just not comprehending the material well enough, maybe you need me to tutor you. So he called the school and let them know he would be coming with SS to school the next day to tutor him. The school thought it was great and set up an empty desk for him right next to SS in every class, and then the teachers introduced him at the start of every class. The best part of the day was lunch, dad sitting right next to him. It took one day of this for SS to get the message. We have not had any problems since as far as his grades go.

In regards to your SD thinking only of herself, have you thought about having a family day to volunteer somewhere - like a soup kitchen or homeless shelter? We also did this and it can be an eye opening experience.

These are just some things that worked for us - I am not sure if girls are different but they may work for you - good luck

Maybe it's time to get creative with her consequences and their enforcement. I have no problem with forced labour as punishment, but if you do, get creative in another way!

I agree that you should see what happens if you take away her makeup and straightener, etc. She might break that grounding by borrowing makeup from a friend at school, but make it clear that there is not to be a speck of makeup on her face and any evidence of beauty product use will result in her brand name clothing being replaced with ugly clothing from WalMart. Obeying for one week will result in the return of her makeup and phone.

Put a password on your computer and don't tell her what it is. If you're not sure how and you have Windows, just ask and I'll give you step by step. Or take the power cord with you when you leave the house (or lock it up in the safe or filing cabinet) when she's grounded from it.

Your DH might have to suffer through no TV for a couple of weeks. If he complains, tell him to get a hobby and explain that allowing her to watch TV sometimes is diminishing the effectiveness of the grounding.
Start a family "book club". All of you read a book each week and share it with the family members. She'll likely think this is "so beyond lame" and hate every second of it, but you can play it as a well-intentioned "family bonding" card. For each book she participates in, she gets back 1 hour of TV per week. Additional TV time can be earned or lost based on other behaviors.

Tell her that if she doesn't help with meals or cleanup, she doesn't eat. It was simply a fact of life that we all helped with meals and ate as a family when I was a kid. My oldest brother tried not helping when he was about 14. Mom told him "If you want to eat, you eat with the family. And if you eat with the family, you contribute to the meal. So either help out or go hungry!"
I'm sure that someone will tell me that denying food is evil, but two nights of no supper worked like a charm on my brother. Just to be clear, I don't support "You didn't pick up your toys, it's to bed without supper for you, young lady!" as punishment, but I do support "You want to eat the food, you help make the food".

If your home stereo allows you to set a max volume and password protect it, do so! If not, take away all her CDs and take all her mP3s off the computer (burn the files to a CD or DVD so that she can earn them back). Give one or two CDs back when she behaves herself for a week. Then have them be linked to proper use of the home stereo equipment. Give them back one or two at a time, for good behavior with the stereo. Make it clear that regression in behavior = CDs go away again. If she wants to 'earn' a specific CD back, ask her to propose a task that she thinks is appropriate (shoveling the driveway, shredding all the old bills that have been piling up in the office, whatever) she might come up with something much more grueling than you would have.

We had a rule that "If it's in the hamper, it gets washed with the family laundry. If it's not in the hamper, you do it yourself at a time convenient for the rest of the household". I've done my own laundry since I was 13 and my mom got sick. She's 100% capable of doing it herself and no harm will come to her from washing her own clothes.

She FORGOT which class to go to and so she went to no class at all? I can see "I forgot what class I had, so I was late because I went to drafting instead of math" but "I forgot what class I had, so I skipped" is a big load of BS. I hope your DH saw through that before the principal explained it!
I can't say that I never skipped class (I did all the time, but I had good grades), but when it affects grades, it's unacceptable!
For every time she's late or skips a class, go the the public library for an hour to make her do homework there - you and DH can read or browse or have coffee in the car. Or, if the math assignment from the class she skipped was "Page 124, 1-20 odd" tell her to do the even ones too.
Have her write a one page essay on why being grounded is worth skipping a class/lying/talking back. My grandma (a retired school teacher) used that one on my dad a few times and he laughs now at how bizarre it was, but says it smartened him up in a hurry at the time.

I know this sounds more like rewarding her for bad behavior, but if she hates her glasses, why not get her contacts?
Put a "If you wear your glasses like you should and don't 'lose' them for the next three months" clause on it. If she holds up her end of the bargain, get her contacts. Put a secondary clause on there too "If you lose or break or throw out another pair of glasses, we will buy them for you, but you will 'pay it back' by 'volunteering' at a soup kitchen (or whatever) for __ number of hours at a minimum wage value" Explain that a $200 pair of glasses means she will work 25 hours (or whatever) at the soup kitchen.

Traditional groundings don't work for every kid. Get creative!!

Ooooh.... *devious grin* I was talking to MIL yesterday about SD, because MIL called about this weekend's plans and asked how SD is doing in school. She had no clue she'd been suspended, or that she'll be suspended for 4 days next time and expelled the time after that, so I told MIL that if SD gets expelled I'm hiring her a babysitter that makes a prison warden look like a fairy princess. MIL cracked up and thought it was a good idea.

Kathline, pink also makes me want to gag, some baby pink is ok, but not much of it. If I ever have a little girl the poor kid will end up wearing a lot of yellow, purple, and mint green and probably some blue too. I'll have to pierce her ears so people don't mistake her for a boy. Ha!

MLLY, wonderful. I think it might work with SD too since all she cares about is her social standing. I have a friend at work who has a similar situation with her daughter and her DH is on vacation next week so he's going to do the same thing only all week. I'll see the results after X'mas. I can't wait!!

CEPH, I totally agree with you on this one. I need to get creative. I mean I really really do. As mom's and SM's a lot of us know that it's frustrating to work all day at a demanding job and then come home to a war zone at home and a mess because of kids.

About the glasses, we told her when she got the glasses that if she took care of them and kept up with them we'd buy her contacts in 6 months. She didn't and we're not buying contacts. It would have been one thing if she'd lost a single pair, but 3 this year? And then lying about throwing her glasses out until DH made her mad and she screamed at him that she "threw the g.. d@mned things in the trash because I didn't want glasses and you and Nina said I couldn't have contacts."

We've tried a lot of different things, the volunteering, multiplication facts (DH's idea), the reward system, allowance, pretty much everything I can think of, but to no avail. So getting creative might work.

Any other ideas?

I think I would probably give in on the contacts, since appearance is so important to girls that age. Probably the glasses were tossed because either she feels they make her look ugly, or the other kids were making comments about them.

I dont think she should get off scot free though. It was not right of her to waste your money by throwing the glasses out, even though I probably can understand why.
I would require her to pay for part of the contacts, since she wants them so badly and has wasted what you already bought. Either she could give you money for say, 25% of them, or if she doesnt have money , she could work at a special chore to cover her share?

I just think its important to have some empathy for what a girl that age is facing from her peers, and her own self image issues.

I agree that's it's important to have empathy for a child. Even empathy for a child that literally does not care about anyone but herself. I however can not see giving into this child's every whim. With her we've learned that if no is said, we have to stick to no or she'll use that one time of yes against us to her benefit.

I don't think we'll give in on the contacts. One she picked the glasses out and liked them when we bought them. Two because SD's eye doctor doesn't think it's a good idea with her eyes because of a degenerative disease she inherited from her mom's side of the family. Her cornea could detach from her eye and have to be surgically repaired which may or may not fix it. DH doesn't want to risk it. Medically it's not a safe idea at this time. In 6 months it could be, but not now.

Besides, we can't convince this child to bring her sheets out to be washed or to wipe toothpaste off her bathroom mirror what makes us think she'd take care of the contacts?

One eye infection and she could go blind and if she thinks she looks dorky with little wireframed glasses (her lenses are not thick at all, my reading glasses are thicker) imagine walking around with a cane and big dark ugly sunglasses and a cane for dorky.

When I was in 9th grade, my parents told me next time I needed new glasses I could get contacts instead. My glasses "accidentally" got broken in gym class not too long after that. I really did need them for school; I couldn't have read the blackboard even from the front row without them. I did get contacts out of the deal, but first my dad taped my glasses back together (think any 80's nerd movie you have ever seen, only make the nerd with the taped up glasses a girl. and no it was not funny, i hear you all laughing) and made me wear them like that for a couple weeks. ugh. I'm sure they suspected the "accident" was encouraged, and I actually don't know if making me wear the broken ones were punishment or a learning experience or just that it wan't convenient to get me to the eye doctor right away and was not a priority to *them*, but I would say I did not learn anything from the experience.

It may be too late now, since she didn't hold up her end of the glasses deal, and I can see that you don't necessarily want to reward her for that, but if you do want to revisit the idea, could you do it the other way around? She can get contacts, but she must take care of them and her eyes properly, if she does not then contacts go away and glasses come back? I promise you I took so much better care of my contacts than any pair of glasses ever. I dropped one once when I was still learning to deal with them (this was back before disposable lenses; a pair was supposed to last for a year or two), and I spent at least a half an hour on my knees going over every inch of the carpet practically in tears until I found the thing.

I crossed posts, didn't see your last one about the eye dr's recommendation when I wrote mine.

No problem.

I forgot to add to that post that she's had contacts before, and she didn't take care of them at all, she'd lose them, throw them away, sleep in them, wear them too long, etc.

She had them when she first came to us and she threw them away because she didn't want to deal with them anymore. So 3 pairs of glasses and contacts in about 7 months. So this last time when she didn't have her glasses for a few weeks I took her back to the eye doctor, had another exam and her eyes have deteriorated considerably because she wouldn't wear her glasses. We asked about contacts and he didn't think it was a good idea and explained it to SD, sayng that she had to come back in 6 months anyways and maybe it would be ok then, but not now. DH and I told her that if she could take care of them for 6 months and the Dr. said it was ok, she could have them.

Of course being 13 she only hears what she wants to which basically meant that her SM wouldn't let her have contacts. And she threw her glasses away in a salad box while she was on lunch at school. She lied to DH, MIL, and myself for 2 weeks about where her glasses were and finally got mad enough at DH that she snapped and screamed at him where they were.

Yeah.... that's daily life around our house. If she doesn't like something she throws it away even if it's someone else's or expensive.

Your vision doesn't deteriorate just because you don't use your glasses - you just can't see what you are doing.

My daughter has contacts that you can wear night and day, and which she has to change only once a month. She loves them. My son, on the other hand, found them uncomfortable and went back to the kind you have to take out each night. I think they are great for kids (and adults) who feel that contacts are a pain in the neck. Unfortunately I don't think they come in bifocals so I'm out of luck.

Glad you're an expert of eye diseases TOS. I think I'll stick with our Optometrist and our Optician's suggestions at this time.

Thank you for your input though. :)

I didn't say a word about eye diseases. What are you talking about?

"Your vision doesn't deteriorate just because you don't use your glasses"

maybe you didn't say "eye diseases" but this does sound like a medical based opinion. Unless you are an expert on the causes of vision deteriorating, I don't know how you can make this statement.

Because a) my children's opthamologist (a medical doctor, as opposed to an optometrist) has told me that vision deterioration is unrelated to how often they wear their glasses

b) my research of the literature has confirmed that his statement is accurate

I agree with TOS. Although I do not specialize in visual impairments, I did attend (was required to) professional lectures on this topic. Not wearing glasses may cause headaches and fatigue, but no vision deterioration. But of course kids need to wear glasses if they are prescribed so.

TOS, once again thank you for thinking you know everything. :) We bow to your knowledge.

Research degenerative eye diseases. Because her eyes are so bad, not wearing her glasses puts considerable strain on her already damaged eyes thus causing more damage. She could be blind in 5-10 years if she keeps putting this kind of strain on her eyes. We're trying to prolong her ability to see not let this child go blind for her own vanity.

Because she has an eye disease, she sees her opthamologist every quarter (4 months) and her optometrist twice a year for treatment/new prescriptions and to make sure her eyes aren't getting worse.

Now I'm wondering why I'm defending myself. We do everything we can to make life better and easier for this child and her vision care shouldn't matter one damned bit on this forum. The point was, we bought her glasses, she decided she didn't want them, threw them and 2 other pairs out, and now we have to buy a 4th pair of glasses. Our vision insurance covers one pair per year, and we're out at LEAST $350 per pair EACH time she throws them away. And those aren't the pretty ones, they're the cheap crappy ones.

That's part of the point. Not vision deterioration or lack thereof, not what doctor she sees, not what type of hairspray she uses, or what type of doritos she prefers. The point is, she had no respect for the money that her father and I spent on 2 sets of glasses and started requesting and demanding big expensive things for Christmas and the fact that we might feel more inclined to buy the expensive stuff had we not shelled out money for glasses that were literally thrown away with her school lunch.

Many kids, step or bio, have no respect for parents' money. As it comes to glasses it is common to throw away, accidentally lose or accidentally break them. You won't believe how common it is! Two pairs a year at least. They do it because they think they look ugly with glasses. And they lie about their glasses because they don't want trouble. Yours is no different. I know it is very annoying. But VERY common.

FYI: my eye doctor told me the same thing... dont wear the glasses: it will get worse.

Not that I am defending the child since she obviously has bigger issues. But, my dad (believe it or not) went through about three - four pairs of glasses a year. Especially when he first started wearing them. He would lose them sit on them break them drop them.. they would would be so scratched up that he couldnt even see through the lens, and this was when he didnt just all out break them in half for one reason or another.

However, in refernce to the other issues at hand. I too, never understood why suspension was an ideal "punishment" for skipping... "you dont want to be here so you cant HA" It is one of many stupid things the public school system does. However, if she is suspended from school... work the living daylights out of her... wake up with the crack of dawn and think of the worst possible chores that you can to make her do... Got a friend that picks up trash for a living?? :-) my mom and dad did that to my brother when he was failing... my dads company has a section of it that does it's own trash pick up for the centers that they own... so my brother spent from the wee hours of the morning till night picking up other peoples trash... we'll just say my brother found the value in school. I also, have always been an advocate of volunteering to help others... my family and I are doing it this year to get the whole be grateful for what you have others have it so much worse idea in their heads. And there is nothing out there that says little girls must have name brand clothes at all times make up and what not... don't hesitate to take the clothes away and replace them with thrift store purchase even if it is only for a week to get the point across.... And, the going to school thing is very very motivating for a kid... my parents threatened to do it to me when my grades dropped for a moment (they also said they would be dressed as horribly as possible and make a scene with my friends in the hall) needless to say I did not test their seriousness... my other brother however, felt the need to and tada my mom at school wearing overalls hair not brushed... saying come on baby its time to go to class all day long. That worked like a charm for him.

wow finedreams, perhaps you haven't taught your children to respect your finances. I did. Ask them what they would get if they tossed out anything expensive because they didn't like it. An accident is not the same. My son (now 18) didn't take care of his glasses when he was in high school. He got a summer job and bought the replacements himself. He certainly wasn't going to throw them away because he didn't like them and then ask for a laundry list of expensive Christmas presents. He probably would have gotten one thing under the tree, and that's a new pair of glasses. (If I had to spend $350 per pair, and he went through two pair I had to pay for)

I didnot talk about my child (I only have one). And she never wore glasses. I talked about children of 11-14 I see every day. 2-3 pairs of glasses a year. This is nothing to do with not respecting their parents, it is fear of looking funny, ugly, or different. Getting rid of their glasses is a very very common thing.

Thank you Mom of 4 and Ima!

I am seriously thinking about going to school with her. Ratty stained (I clean the oven and floors in them) sweats, no bra, hair not brushed, no makeup, my ratty bunny slippers. I think it would work.
I also like your idea about replacing clothes with thrift store bargains and yanking makeup away. Very motivating. She values her status most and this just might get a point across that she isn't the boss.

Ima, I 100% agree with you. However, DH is very soft hearted and while he can sit and mumble and complain about her throwing the glasses away and the basic disrespect he's not going to give her glasses for X'mas. Just like he won't take her makeup away or the clothes. Not necessarily because of being soft hearted though I'm sure he'd feel bad (I would too), but because he doesn't want to hear the BS that will follow from SD's end, MIL's end, and BM's end. Personally I don't think it's any of their concern, but you know, he has enough on his plate or so he thinks. I wonder when reality is going to smack him in the back of the head?

I don't care if she thinks she looks ugly. Tough. The fact is, she will go blind if she contiues to throw out her glasses. She knows this. I wonder how she's going to feel when she has to have a cane and a seeing eye dog?

It's also not that common in children who have manners or in children who have been taught that there's hell to pay for throwing them out. My son would never think of throwing his glasses out. Ever. Mainly because he has more respect than to do something intentional like that and secondly because he knows that I would take his game station, or something equally as valuable and take it, hide it, and make him think I'd thrown it away. If more parents made their children accountable for their actions the world would have less people robbing liquor stores and the such for easy cash.

You sound rough with her, I wonder if your SD has all this problems because she is treated so harshly. I never ever grounded my daughter, I just talked to her. Same my X. And her SM was not rough either. And luckily DD developed no serious issues to deal with. Sometimes you can get more with love and warmness than with all this harshness. If there are serious issues then there are other ways of helping a child.

I cringe at some of the things SMs say here. Every child is different, but if SMs percieve the stepchild as less perfect than their own child, it is scary.

finedreams,

I agree completely.

I think there are places for both sorts of "discipline".

I was never grounded (not even once), had a flexible curfew, and was allowed to do pretty much as I pleased because I was responsible, polite, had nice friends, a nice BF, and had good grades. Any time there was any issue, my parents just spoke to me about it.

On the other hand, my one brother had a firm curfew because he was less responsible, had crappy grades, a not-so-nice GF and some not-so-nice friends... Then he was grounded for about a month when he was 16 because he broke curfew, then tried to sneak out, then tried to sneak his GF in, then had a snit... He wound up losing going out, having friends over, his car, the telephone and the TV before he smartened up. The grounding kept growing until he was so miserable that he came around.

Different kids need different disciplines.

I agree Ceph. I have three (bio) kids, and three non bio kids that I raised (and currently raising my step daughter) and they all have different personalities. and it takes several methods of discipline sometimes. It is not a one size fits all

I'm not rough with her. I barely speak to her at all unless it's to ask her to bring her laundry out or general conversation. All discipline is done through her father. I speak to him, I tell him my thoughts, but he deals with his daughter. I will tell her my thoughts on some things, but discipline ultimately is up to her father. And the other way around for my son. Discipline is ultimately up to me.

Ceph and Ima are right, different kids respond to different things. Not everyone responds to warm and loving, especially if they resent you for being there.

Simple fact is, SD isn't treated harshly at all, DH makes her sit and talk to him when there's a problem, but other than taking her television and ipod there hasn't been a lot of discipline in our home. We never raise our voices at our children or talk to them like they're idiots. Please know your facts before you assume anything about how my family interacts. A persons thoughts about something isn't necessarily how it comes out of their mouth. ;)

I think a mothers love can make a woman see children differently. And I see a lot of things written here about stepchildren that I think a mother would never write. It is heartbraking to me to think that some of these children spend most of their time at a house where Dad works long hours and this is what SM thinks of them.

Well then thank goodness DH and I work the same long hours! Someone's got to put food on the table and keep two kids in clothes, shoes, personal products, and junk not to mention mortgage and bills and cell phones.

I am a mother and I treat her the same way I treat my son. They're both my kids. MY KIDS. I don't put up walls saying "This love is for D___ and this love is for J____ , she just doesn't get as much as D___ because he's mine and she's not." No, that doesn't happen. I don't give one something and not the other, I don't just tuck one into bed at night. I don't just give one lunch money. I don't wake up and rescue just one from nightmares. I don't just do laundry or cook for one of them. They're our children and we don't draw lines. We go to the wall and back for both of them. That's what parents do.

What's heartbreaking to me is to see how some of these so called BM's and BD's treat their kids or hand them over to women/men they don't know to be raised because "they can't deal with it" or they want to move somewhere with someone. If you ask me that's pretty pathetic.

"I think a mothers love can make a woman see children differently"

There is truth to this statement and I became a mother before I became a step mother. Being a mother (and the fact that I love children so much that I would have had more if I could have) is what makes it break my heart when a biological mother does some of the things written about on this board. Or when I'm in a store and hear the cruel angry things being said to a small child or even a teenager by the mother (and trust me when I say that you CAN tell the difference between a mom/child and a step situation) I was involved in boy scouts as a den mother when my kids were small, I hung out at the ball park when they had little league, I sat in the audience for my girls' dance recitals, and I've been involved in girl scouts. Besides the, perhaps expected, problems I saw working in social services, I saw many "good, hard working, decent" parents talk down to their child, yell at them, embarrass them, or pressure them to do things that were wrong. I now deal with the legal system and always read the declarations and in family law cases, it's obvious that there are more than a few parents out there using their children to get even with the other parent.

Where is the Mother's (or Father's) love for all THOSE children? Why don't they see that their words and actions are hurting their children? Many of the ones I saw outside of work, were still living in "intact" families. But this was how some of the parents treated their own children.

"hand them over to women/men they don't know to be raised because "they can't deal with it" or they want to move somewhere with someone. If you ask me that's pretty pathetic."

But men do that all the time - far more often than mothers do. There are many, many men who have moved across the country with their new wives, but then get nothing but praise from outsiders if they allow the children to visit a few weeks a year.

"But men do that all the time - far more often than mothers do. There are many, many men who have moved across the country with their new wives, but then get nothing but praise from outsiders if they allow the children to visit a few weeks a year."

No, it's just as pathetic when a man does it. I don't know what moron would praise that behavior (if they knew the whole story) but it's likely the whole story is never told by a parent that isn't living up to their responsibility.

The difference is, in my opinion, that women carry the child for nine months, go through the birthing experience, are usually the primary caregiver and thought of to be the nurturing parent, while dad is the provider. It's good that men are taking on more of a role with children in today's society, but it's still harder to understand a mother (with more opportunity to bond) just up and leaving their child.

hecallsmemom:
"I barely speak to her at all unless it's to ask her to bring her laundry out or general conversation"

Here you go, you barely speak to her and yet you are full of harsh comments about her. If you do not speak to her how do you know what is going on in her life, what makes to skip, what makes her not do well in school, is she depressed etc It is funny how some SMs want to be the same as parents and be treated like parents but then admit they barely speak to their SKs. Of course she throws out her glasses and does poorly in school, no wonder

hecallsmemom:
"I am a mother and I treat her the same way I treat my son. They're both my kids. MY KIDS."

And yet you barely speak to "your kids" beyond casual laundry questions. Or you only barely speak to "your" daughter? Or to both? And why are you surprised they grow up troubled if you donot speak to them?

You don't think it sounds rough and you really think that it is something mother would say about her children even jokingly? I rest my case.

"I told MIL that if SD gets expelled I'm hiring her a babysitter that makes a prison warden look like a fairy princess."

" I don't care if she thinks she looks ugly."

"I am seriously thinking about going to school with her. Ratty stained (I clean the oven and floors in them) sweats, no bra, hair not brushed, no makeup, my ratty bunny slippers. I think it would work"

I told my kids that I'd hire a babysitter similar to what hecallsmemom said and I've also made the threat to accompany them to school if they don't behave in class. I didn't do either but my kids were never sure if I would or not. They didn't know if I were serious or joking.

There may be those that disagree with my methods but don't try to say that parents don't say things to their children that only a step parent would say. I've heard real parents talk to their kids worse than a dog. And I'm not talking in my caseloads at social services, I'm talking about at some of the boy scout meetings or little league games. Those were "professionals" that appeared to be decent, respectable members of society.... so what world do you live in?

Fine, do you speak to your children like you speak on the boards? I'd hope not. Poor children would have major emotional issues for being talked to like idiots and circus dogs.

FYI I do the same with my son. When he's grounded to his room I don't speak much to him either. It's a punnishment. I'm not for patting kids on the shoulder and saying "It's ok honey, it was just a family heirloom antique you dug ruts in with a butterknife, be sure and clean up the wood shavings when you're done." To hell with that!

Say she gets expelled from school, what am I supposed to say then "It's ok, you can repeat 8th grade as many times as you like and I'm here to cheer you on while you sit home the rest of this year eating junk food and watching MTV all day!" Uh no.

Are you saying you've never been upset with your kids? Or never said something a little harsh to a friend or a relative or even here? Don't feed me that line of bull.

If she gets expelled from school she'll have a nanny that makes a night club bouncer look tiny and a prison warden look like a fairy princess. This was DH's decision and I happen to agree. He says that she isn't concerned with our feelings when she gets suspended from school so why should he be concerned with her feelings when he hires a nanny. After all, we're only concerned about her safety and well-being. We'd do the same for my son. In fact my ex-husband would do the same with our son.

Last time I looked she wasn't troubled because I'm a quiet person or even because DH and I are more strict than her mother. She is troubled because her mother permits her to run wild, her mother has let strange men in her home that have touched and abused SD, and her mother ditched her at our door because she couldn't handle her. At least that's what the therapist we pay for tells us. She doesn't get up in my face, and she doesn't scream in her sleep because DH & I care enough about her to make things a little rough sometimes to show her life isn't all about her.

"I told MIL that if SD gets expelled I'm hiring her a babysitter that makes a prison warden look like a fairy princess."

You betcha. What, am I supposed to let her have pool parties and get her a tattoo?

" I don't care if she thinks she looks ugly."

I don't, if she can continue to have her vision in 15-20 years.

"Here you go, you barely speak to her and yet you are full of harsh comments about her. If you do not speak to her how do you know what is going on in her life, what makes to skip, what makes her not do well in school, is she depressed etc It is funny how some SMs want to be the same as parents and be treated like parents but then admit they barely speak to their SKs. Of course she throws out her glasses and does poorly in school, no wonder."

It's funny how some BM's think they know it all too and really don't have a clue. Did your mother (BM) know what went on in your head at 13? Mine didn't.

I do know what goes on in SD's head though. She's very open about things. Especially when she feels comfortable. DH and I will be sitting on the sofa and SD in the chair, we'll all be watching television and SD will see something that will remind her of something she wants to talk about. She'll start talking and will talk for hours engaging us all in conversation. Lately it's been about christmas stuff and her science project and about our upcoming move.

So you punish your children by not speaking to them? It is very demeaning and not very kind. I have only one kid but she is not troubled. And she was never punished with silence neither by me, nor by X, nor by SM. You can blame BM for the ways your SD is, but your methods of discipline lack love and will lead to more trouble with SKs or your own kids.

Hecallsmemom:

Have you or your husband ever expressed pride in your stepdaughter? Do you express unconditional acceptance of her as a person? My point is that perhaps she doesn't feel she ever does anything "right" in your eyes so why bother...

Or perhaps her acting out is the only way she can fully get your attention... Have you or your husband ever asked her what her dreams are? What she wants to be when she grows up? If she could do or be anything in the entire world, what would it be? What foreign country would she like to visit? Huge fun discussions can develop from such easy-going topics. Nothing too deep that she wouldn't want to share and yet she knows she has your absolute undivided attention.

Skipping school and lame excuses...I may be overreaching but it sounds like it's a cry for help from her. And since she's still a child, the adults in her life that love her need to figure out what she needs. I wish you luck!!!!

Are you even a SM at all? Seriously, you're absolutely ridiculous. You bypass all information given and pick out one thing just to sit and peck at. Get over yourself.

Being grounded by being sent to their room is a punishment. One that I have nothing to do with.

I'm a quiet person. I don't say much at all. I don't punish my children by not speaking to them. I'm just normally quiet and even more so when I feel bad or I'm upset or stressed out. I just don't feel the need to flap my jaws for no reason. If I have something to say I say it, if I don't, I don't. I could probably go days without saying a word to anyone.

If I'm talking to my children or they're talking to me, I speak, but generally SD is on the phone, doing homework, or watching a movie... I'm not going to be rude and interupt just to hear my own voice.

"So you punish your children by not speaking to them? It is very demeaning and not very kind. I have only one kid but she is not troubled. And she was never punished with silence neither by me, nor by X, nor by SM. You can blame BM for the ways your SD is, but your methods of discipline lack love and will lead to more trouble with SKs or your own kids."

You have only one kid. So how can you judge? Different children respond to different methods. I'm not defending anyone because I don't have enough information to take one side or another, but you may have raised your one child to be a perfect angel with hugs & kisses and never having to "punish" her, but I see nothing wrong with ignoring a child when they are in trouble. If you give a child a time out, are you going to sit and chat with them? Where's the consequence? They will enjoy getting time outs.

when you exaust everything, then of course you do have to ground but when kids do not get enough intelligent conversation with their parents you can't start with grounding. If you do not interact with her much then how can you say that you tried everything you could to get her on the right track? Of course you need to ground a kid, but if you have no positive interaction and do not really communicate to him/her, how can you ground?

And hecallsmemom said that she treates her SD like her own. So what difference dioes it make if I am SM or not. If apparently SD is raised the same as a biokid.

Thank you! My point exactly!

If you (hypothetical) first say how awful are your children, but then add that you do not talk to them and keep interaction to a minimum, wouldn't it occur to you that maybe interacting and talking might help?

This is a *RANT* I was irked with SD's behavior (which believe it or not happens). Welcome to parenthood oh wise one. (can you hear the sarcasm dripping???) People get irked and they complain about certain attitudes. This is a forum for help, do you really think that we would be here if our children were perfect little angels? Hell no, we'd be on the other side of the forum looking at pansies.

Where did you read that I kept interaction at a minimum? And did you not catch the end part of that phrase that you keep pecking at? The GENERAL CONVERSATION part? And when did you see that I'm complaining about both children?

Just wondering. Sorry, I missed both of those.

"when you exaust everything, then of course you do have to ground but when kids do not get enough intelligent conversation with their parents you can't start with grounding. If you do not interact with her much then how can you say that you tried everything you could to get her on the right track? Of course you need to ground a kid, but if you have no positive interaction and do not really communicate to him/her, how can you ground?
And hecallsmemom said that she treates her SD like her own. So what difference dioes it make if I am SM or not. If apparently SD is raised the same as a biokid. "

You obviously interpreted what I said the way you wanted to. What would you suggest trying? She's 13 and taller than I am. Do you think her father should spank her? Sit down and talk to her? Attempt to get through to her with words?With the exception of a spanking he tried all of that and then some.

I'd like to know what you'd do in our situation.

"So what difference dioes it make if I am SM or not. If apparently SD is raised the same as a biokid. " It makes a difference. You say you only have one child, which is your DD. Therefore you have no clue what we any of the women on this forum go through and don't have a right to sit there and tell us what is and isn't correct for who. You don't know how much we interact, you dont' know what these children are like, and you have no clue what it's like to fight for your NEW marriage, try to talk yourself into liking the 4 1/2 hour move across the state, the lack of social life, the demands of a career and try to figure out the raising of a teenage girl when your only child is 3 years younger and a BOY. Don't tell me what we have and haven't tried, don't tell me I'm wrong, don't sit and argue with me about how much conversation we have in our home.

When she's sent to her room, no I'm not going to go in there and be her best friend, paint her nails, and talk about boys. I'm going to go in, make sure she's tucked in and say good night. That's the point of sending her to her room. It gives her time to think, parents time to cool off, and it sends the message "you messed up, you don't get to interact with the family tonight." Around our house you never know what we'll do on any given night. We don't like to sit still and we want the kids to have happy memories.