OT - Awkward situation with BF's Hubby

15 years ago

This is way off-topic, but I'd like the opinions of different women (and men?) here for the best way to handle this. (In this post, BF stands for Best Friend, and let's call her husband 'Jack'.)

This past Saturday night Hubby and I were at a Christmas party at BF's house. Hubby was outside with Jack and most of the other men, and I was chatting in the kitchen with BF and most of the other women when I feel someone give my backside a little squeeze in passing. Naturally, I assume it was my husband, and turn to give him a little smile -- but it wasn't my husband -- it was BF's! He then said jokingly something along the lines of "I don't know why I did that - just felt like it I guess." Of course, I was very surprised (and a bit cocktail-befuddled), and ended up doing nothing and simply carried on with the conversation.

Later on as we are getting ready to leave, about 8 of us (including BF and my husband) are standing by the door and Jack mentions to the whole group that he hoped my husband wouldn't "kick his @$$" because he had pinched my backside earlier in the evening and that I had a nice @$$. Again - all I could muster was a 'deer in the headlights' shocked look; Hubby too. But another guest helpfully adds "Well, she must have enjoyed it since I didn't hear her protest!" (Thanks a lot.) Well somebody less befuddled changed the subject and the evening ended on a fun note. I'm pretty easy-going and kind of dismissed it as an alcohol-induced act of stupidity, but my husband (who has a jealous streak) is now dwelling on it.

Some background: BF and I have been close friends for almost 20 years, and our friendship is very important to me. BF and I see each other individually, in all-women groups and in couple's parties, and she has been there for me in thick and thin. She and Jack have been married the entire time I've known her, and Hubby and I have been married for 15 years. Both marriages are solid and stable, but Hubby's and mine is unusually good. In case it wasn't obvious, Jack is 'not the sharpest knife in the drawer', is not terribly cultured and tends to run his mouth when he drinks -- which is whenever we socialize. But he's affable, and BF's an absolute gem -- the sparkling center of our social circle. To complicate things, last year at a different party, Jack made a remark to my husband (and others) about how if anything ever happened to his wife (BF) and to him (Hubby), that I would be the one he'd go for, adding something to the effect that he thought I'd be great in bed. I was able to honestly assure Hubby that Jack would not make my Hubby-replacement short-list and that he had nothing to worry about.

Hubby and I both agree that I dropped the ball in not giving Jack either the 'icy glare' or verbal 'slap in the face' after the butt-pinching incident and its 'for those who missed it recap'. (I was shocked and alcohol-befuddled.) Hubby says if Jack makes another dumb and disrespectful remark like that again, he will kick his @$$. (Hubby's a very physical guy -- He certainly could and actually might -- but come on! They're both in their 50's!) Knowing Jack, I suspect he actually does have a wee bit of a crush on me, and that sooner or later, he's going to make another clumsy remark along similar lines.

My question is what to do about it now. I'd like to have a better response than either my 'deer in the headlights' stupid look, or Hubby's 'kick his @$$' brute force. But Jack's not a subtle guy, and I really don't want to damage my friendship with BF or put a strain on our future couples' socializing.

Do I say something now?

To Jack or BF?

Does Hubby?

Do we wait until it happens again?

Hubby and I both agreed to ask you folks!

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Comments (22)

cindy_pond
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Since this is your very best friends husband, I think I would let it go and chalk it up to the alcohol consumption and his not so subtle attraction to you. Let's face it, after 20 or so years of marriage he's probably a little bored. That's not to say he doesn't love his wife. I would have done exactly what you did...Deer in the headlights. Should you speak up?...that depends...How often do you socialize? Maybe you could say to him privately that you felt a little uncomfortable with what happened...if you do more than that his ego might explode and it will strain your friendship. You and your husband have a wonderful marriage so let it be...as I have found, there will always be someone from the "outside" for whatever personal reasons they have trying to get in. I wonder what he'd do if you came on to him...I think he'd run scared...LOL
believer
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I would say to Jack....." It's my ass and I decide who touches it. I do not remember giving you an invitation and if I were you I wouldn't hold my breath for one. Do not misunderstand me that I do not want it to happen again nor do I want to hear your comments concerning your private thoughts about me. I find them to be inappropriate, disrespectful to your wife, to my husband and myself. If you think that you are giving me a compliment you are mistaken. I am sure that my BF, your dear wife, must be very hurt by your actions. Please don't disrespect her again in my presence."
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serenity_now_2007
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I think the best way to handle it is for you & your husband and BF & Jack to all meet together for lunch and with ***no alcohol involved***, at least just for this occasion. And since you've all been good friends for so long, keep it on a very nice and light note, but nonetheless address the issue point-blank. I think it's important to approach it in a very direct, open, transparent way with everyone involved so that there's no chance (or fantasy) possible of anyone (namely Jack) thiking it's some kind of sexy little "secret" between the two of you. Thus demystified, the only way anything is going to "happen" is if he really is a total sleaze a$$hole, b/c by that time he will have been warned... which is the other purpose of the informal meeting. At the end of the discussion, Jack should know that you'll continue being in his presence and being his friend provided he never makes another pass at you again. Then, if he ever does, stay friends with BF but remove yourself from any/all situations where he'll be present. Or at least where he'd have the chance to be alone with you without his wife and/or your husband present.

Maybe broach the subject by saying a few things along the lines of "we all know that sometimes alcohol can make people say things they would ordinarily keep to themselves...", "it's normal to sometimes find friends' spouses appealing", and "nobody here is going to judge anyone else here harshly for things *that have already been said*..." But then make it clear that since nothing is ever going to *actually happen* ---obviously--- between you and Jack, that you'd like him to just quit making those kinds of comments because if he continues, you're no longer going to feel comfortabe in his presence, which would be a real shame after all these years blah blah blah...

My guess is that Jack ---in his obviously inebriated way--- was trying to accomplish something of this 'transparency' (or at least 'damage control') when he made a point of joking about it in front of all the other party guests. Which was a stupid move and came off predictably awkward, but his impulse was probably to "confess all" as maybe a way to make himself think he won't dare try it again now that 'everyone knows'... But if he's got some alcoholism and/or impulsivity issues, that wouldn't necessarily prevent him from trying it again regardless... which is why it has to be nipped in the bud. For everyone's sake...
silversword
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Sweeby, I know that deer/headlights look. It's my trademark. Somehow I just freeze when awkward things happen. It's awful.

I think you're the only one who can fix this. And it will take all the tact you can muster.

I wouldn't mention it to BF unless she says something. I wouldn't have DH say anything either.

Wait. Practice your icy look and your responses. If it doesn't happen with that uncouth man it will probably happen with someone else. I've seen your picture, and you are a fox!!

I'd practice my "whoops, did I just step on your toes with my 3" heels" maneuver. I think clumsy/painful would be the best way to get through to him. Tray full of hot cookies anyone?

That and make sure you are never alone with this man. If he says anything about his short list, follow it up with your dedication to your husband "well, I hope nothing ever happens to my DH because he's irreplaceable and I'm a one-man kind of woman".

How awkward. I hope your BF realizes what a good friend you are and what your intentions are. It would be a shame to lose her over this idiotic game he's playing.
eandhl
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
If I were in this situation I believe either I or DH and I would approach BF's DH and nicely say how much you enjoy the friendship but his "jokes" are now leaving you uncomfortable and you do not want anything to jeopardize the friendship so it has to stop.
sweeby
Original Author
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Wow - That's the whole gamut of ideas... Thanks for the suggestions! (And the compliment Silversword -- though its a few pounds out of date...)

I discussed them with Hubby, and thankfully, he's calmed down a bit and no longer wants me to literally slap Jack's face. (Thank goodness - I'm very conflict averse and there's just no way to get a party going again after a physical altercation.)

What I was thinking I might be able to pull off is something "charmingly Southern" -- Something along the lines of "Now that was downright disrespectful to me, my husband and your wife, and one of us is gonna have to kick your @ss! And you'd better hope it's me 'cause the other two would do some serious damage!" Since his stunts are always in public, I need a response that can also be delivered in public and not be a buzz-kill for everyone else.

Would that work? Or is it too playful?
wrychoice1
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Sweeby,

As I was reading others' responses to you, I was thinking what you really needed was a light-hearted way of communicating clearly your wish that BF's DH respect the boundaries of your person, your marriage and his marriage, and your longstanding friendship.

And then you came up with what I would have recommended...couple your charmingly playful, southern response with the proper "if looks could kill" versus "deer in the headlights" expression and I would be willing to bet you stop the inappropriate behavior and preserve your friendship.

It sounds like BF's husband (like most of us) says and does things when he's been drinking he would never say or do when he is sober. If he starts behaving this way when he is stone-cold sober, a more direct approach may need to be taken...but unless and until that happens, I'd be just as charmingly, southern and playful as I could be...

Glad to hear your DH has calmed down. Hopefully he is secure in his place in your heart!
justnotmartha
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Sweeby, I'm torn between the wait-until-it-happens-again-and-have-a-response-ready tact or just addressing him directly about it. I don't think I would involve his wife, but I worry about you going to him alone. Involving your hubby though could lead to an issue with your BF - 'why wasn't I involved if everyone else was?'
So, if you believe nothing serious will come of not addressing it now, while everyone is sober, I think I would likely wait. But perhaps you could head him off at the pass before the next event really gets going - something like "Well Jack, I certainly hope you aren't going to make a grab for my @ss again tonight as I don't think I can tolerate any more of such disrespect. I can certainly understand if you want to go after your wife's though!" All delivered in a charming tone, but with a look that lets him know you are serious.

If that doesn't work, just holler. I'll send you the lamp. :-)
eandhl
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Sweeby, What you have planned sounds good but only you know how your BF would take this. Would it hurt her feelings to hear something like that in public? If you think not then go for it.
silversword
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
AWKWARD!!!

I don't know if I could take it. My feelings would be hurt. Even if I knew my husband was an A$$ with a capital A. It would be hard to look at my girlfriend the same. Even if it wasn't her fault.
iloveexercise
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
This stuff seems to ALWAYS happen on the holidays involving someone having too much to drink and getting a little too flirtatious.
My advice would be to casually talk to your BF about it before making any remarks to her DH.You said your husband is jealous,but I wouldnt be suprised if maybe deep down Bf could be a little hurt by it too.
Something like,"Sure was fun seeing you guys.How is Jack feeling? He must have been ripped to pinch my butt! My Dh isnt angry cuz he knows Jack was drinking but hopes it doesnt happen again."
This will feel her out about it.And perhaps you can gain insight into her feelings about it.She may say,Yeah,he was drunk,wont happen again.
Or she may say,she was offended by it and maybe they even argued about it when everyone left.(even if you are very close BF's,she may not tell you they argued about it)

I'm thinking Jack realised what he did was wrong
and that's why he called himself out on it at the end of the night in front of everyone playing it off as a joke.Maybe he was trying to feel you out,but at the same time was afraid you would say something to DH.And Dh would react exactly how he is right now.
I think if happens again,a simple comment from you like,"Enough of that,Jack! I'm a one man woman!" would do the trick.
serenity_now_2007
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
The only problem I see with taking the more playful indirect joking approach is that you'll never (and he'll never) REALLY know exactly how serious you are or precisely what's what... And if he's really got a thing for you and self-delusional tendencies to go with it, he may *choose* to interpret that as playful, flirtatious banter, 1940's film or "Moonlighting" style (which tends to maintain or even increase "sexual tension"). And this may actually turn him on even more...

I think your goal is really to deflate and demystify any possible thoughts, fantasies or confusion about any sexual vibe between the two of you. I do understand not wanting to be totally blunt, but somehow or other you have to squash his sexually-tinged notions of you so he just plain doesn't "go there" anymore, doesn't WANT to. It may be that you decide to do or say something purposefully gross and totally UN-sexy just to get him turned off. Maybe talk with BF right in front of him about messy tampons, yeast infections, chin hairs, back acne, what bad gas you keep having or how you cope with Herpes (note that none of this has to be TRUE to be effective!!!)

I don't mean to offend anyone on here by being so crass, but my point is maybe Sweeby should offend JACK by being that crass!
sweeby
Original Author
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Some of these responses are hilarious! I've just finished wiping up the spewed coffee...

Send me that lamp JNM!

Serenity - I just don't think I could deliberately bring myself down to that level of making myself 'gross' on purpose. By accident - sure! But on purpose? Too many years spent trying NOT to do that...

BF is very direct and never avoids a confrontation if there's a problem to be solved. If she was hurt by Jack's actions, rest assured Jack will definitely have heard about it already. And if she thinks I did anything wrong, I'll hear about it too! If I were to talk to her about it, she'd definitely chew Jack a new one and take care of the problem right away. But I don't want to give the issue that much credance with her, IYKWIM. Even though I suspect there is a bit of a crush going on, I'd never want to tell her that, and if I don't add that crucial bit of information, even mentioning it as "something that makes me uncomfortable" blows the whole incident out of proportion. (Her logical response would be "He was drunk - It didn't mean anything." To which I could say either "I know" or "Yes it did". Saying it bothers Hubby but I know Jack didn't mean anything by it could come back to Jack as "Sweeby was OK with it but her husband wasn't."

As for saying how much of a 'one man woman' I am -- honestly, I think that would backfire. It's already very well known in our circle of friends how happy Hubby and I are together and that Hubby's the only man for me. (The special looks, smiles, hugs, honeymoon glow.) In fact, I think it's our mutual devotion that makes us each attractive to others, if you know what I mean. People who see that closeness want it for themselves -- and mistakenly assume that it comes with the person, not from a relationship that has been carefully nurtured. Hard to explain, but if you've felt it, you'll understand. The more I think of it, the more I think that may be the heart of it all -- so the more I show/say how committed I am to Hubby, the more attractive I would seem to Jack. Odd, huh?

And FWIW, BF is very attractive, keeps herself in great shape and has a lot of energy and enthusiasm - so I think Jack would actually be disappointed!

So what would make a man like Jack want to 'test the waters' when he absolutely knows what the answer would be? (Because I do think he was doing some of that.)
finedreams
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
oh yes I had situation like that. i had a friend, or rather a neighbour, who did couple of things at the parties (like grabbed my knee under the table). I didn't do anything about it just stopped coming over and stopped being around them when they were together. I was afraid that my friend would think I made passes on her husband if I would tell anything to either him or her. I was young then and maybe I would do somehting about it now when i am older. I remember intense fear that she would misinterpret and blame me. Needless to say she was a very unattractive woman much older than him. he was good looking and young. she would blame me most certainly. so i did nothing, but just distanced myself from them.
cindy_pond
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Sweeby, do you think Jack is just that type of guy...I have a brother in law who is crude beyond words..looking at my cleavage (not that I even have any) in front of my sister and always has some sort of sexual comment or inuendo no matter where we are and who we're with...It's just who he is. I don't think he would ever do anything really he's just one of those guys who wouldn't care if God himself were standing in front of him..he'd still act like a letch.
sweeby
Original Author
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Oooh! How about this?

"Jack, if your wife ever thought you were screwing around she'd kill you.
And if you ever did something to screw up my friendship with your wife, I'd have to kill you myself!"

Which is - in a nutshell - the plain truth.

While I'm not a Southern girl myself, living here sure makes it easier to say things!
silversword
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
"In fact, I think it's our mutual devotion that makes us each attractive to others, if you know what I mean. People who see that closeness want it for themselves -- and mistakenly assume that it comes with the person, not from a relationship that has been carefully nurtured."

That's a good way to describe it!!!

I think your response is a good one. Wait, and if it happens again, look him right in the eye, dead serious, and say just what you said here...

"Jack, if your wife ever thought you were screwing around she'd kill you.
And if you ever did something to screw up my friendship with your wife, I'd have to kill you myself!"
eandhl
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I think it works, gets the point across clearly.
iloveexercise
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
"So what would make a man like Jack want to 'test the waters' when he absolutely knows what the answer would be?"

One of the other posters said he's probably just bored with his own relationship,and I agree with that.I think,even if he IS crushing on you,his normal response to fight his urge to flirt with you was just weakened by alcohol.
If it continues,I dont think joking about it will stop it.But It could mostly be alcohol related.so maybe just avoid him when he's drinking?
kathline
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I think I would probably tell him to back off, the next time you see him sober, and I would have my husband there at the same time.

I dont think I would mention it to his wife unless she mentions it first, because this whole thing must make her very uncomfortable. I feel badly for her. She probably know that he does this, but still the natural inclination of a person is to defend their spouse even if it means cutting off a friend.
happynewyear1
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
That really stinks. I would probably say something to my g/f about her husband doing that. I would mention that you were not happy about it and didnt do anything because you were shocked at the time and didnt know what to do.
catlettuce
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I would go to my BF, tell her wat happened if she didn't catch it at the party and just say how uncomfortable it made you and upset your DH.

Perhaps if you tell her because of it you & your DH would probably not attend anymore get togethers like the party to avoid these incidents, as you do not want to lose her friendship over her husbands behavior. Alcohol or not, unacceptable.

I'd let her take care of her DH's grabby hands and I bet it doesn't happen again as she will probably give him what for and tell him to act appropriately or else. I know, sounds harsh, but just my two cents. Take what you like and leave the rest.

~Cat

OT - Awkward situation with BF's Hubby

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