At first when I read your post I was like this girl sounds so childish. I mean, how can this girl tell that a two year old hates her? He cries - well no sh$t - he's freaking two!

But then I read back through your post again and picked up a couple of things.
You said you USED to be a stay at home dad. NOW you say you take care "of all of us". Does your wife work or does she stay at home with your son? If she stays at home with your son, it could be that she resents the fact that she has to take care of him when she was not ready to be a mom yet. Could this be the issue?

Also, you said "my life changed drastically after I found out my ex was pregnant." So this son was the product of a past relationship? Were you and your wife dating when you found out that your ex was pregnant? It sounds like while you were ready to be a father, your wife was not. It's not fair to expect your wife to react to being a parent the same way you would.

It also sounds to me like your wife just doesn't like kids. Maybe you sensed that as well, and that was the reason you "gave her some time to get used to" the idea of your son before you asked her out, and "gave her more time" before asking her to marry you. Well, if she didn't like your kid, you shouldn't have asked her to marry you, and she shouldn't have said yes.

I can not believe she has actually said to you that she hates your son. I can understand not loving your son, because granted, he's not hers, but she should be able to at least care for him as your child. But I'm not ready to say leave her just yet, because there may be some resentment issues going on that the two of you might be able to work out.

To be blunt, she is not "the one". She is not ready to be a mom, that's fine. 21 is young & if she knows that, good for her. But you have a child. It's a fact, it's not going to change. She does not want to marry you. I think her telling you that she would leave you if you felt the same way she does (about her dogs, that is), may be her way of saying she does not think you should stay with her. You are not married yet and sometimes, young girls have a hard time being direct enough to end things but you don't want your son to have a stepmom that doesn't accept him... then the only answer is to end things with the person that is already saying she doesn't accept him BEFORE you are even married. Don't be in such a rush to create a family, just create a life for your son and when you meet the right girl, she will appreciate it.

I'm with imamommy on this one. She dislikes your son now, it is highly unlikely to improve when as your son gets older he picks up on the dislike vibes and bounces them back to her. Vicious circle territory. She hasn't thawed after a year- why should she start now?
You need to sit down with her and make a clean break, go your separate ways and with hope each of you will find someone else to be happy with. For her it sounds like it will be someone without children, who loves dogs and doesn't want children until much later, if ever. That's not you.
Good on you for being passionate about your son! Continue to be so passionate and don't keep him around someone who hates him, as you say you know what that's like.

Leave her. Do not put your son through this. Her feelings will not change. It's not hard to love a baby... And if she can't love him now. It won't change.

Good luck. Put your son first.

"Am I an idiot? I grew up as a step child I know how it feels to have your step mom hate you with absolute passion. I don't want that for my son. "

You know how it feels to have a stepmom who hates you.
You say you don't want that for your son.
But your actions say otherwise...

You sound like a great father otherwise -- Don't screw up your son's life by marrying a woman who doesn't love him like her own. At this stage in his life, he's so little and cute -- Your odds of finding a woman who will adore him are really so good! Don't give up on that.

"Am I an idiot? "

Only if you ignore what is staring you in the face. This situation is exactly like her and her dog! She's right that a prospective mate needs to love (or at least accept) the other person's pets -- That sentiment should be even more true for children.

'She claims that the reason she hates him is because "he hates her".'

Two-year-olds do not hate someone for no reason.

Get your baby out of there.

To Amber3902

The thing is when I found out my ex was pregnant I freaked out! I almost nearly jumped ship. Because of my actions, my ex decided to break up with me right after my son Hayden was born.

While my ex was going through the pregnancy I saved up all the money I made and when we broke up I had my own place and 1 years worth of money to live off of while I continued to go to School.

I met my fiancee through a coworker when I decided to go back to work. Once her and I moved in she continued to work a part-time job and helped watch Hayden while I was at work. I never asked her to. I even brought up that I can get a baby sitter. She said "no". That aside I spend two hours out of the day at school and the other eight working. Than I come home and take care of Hayden and our dogs.
I pay for about 2/3s of the bills and I pay for her and my dogs to eat. I make sure there is a roof over our heads, food on the table, and gas in our vehicles. The money she makes helps pay the other third of our bills and goes towards saving up for college.

If she hates your son she's still not worth it. Having lived the life of a child disliked by his stepmother yourself, why would you want that for your son? Or are you placing a greater value on your fiancee's financial and babysitting contribution than your son's long-term happiness? Don't kid yourself, even at two he will pick up on the dislike and it will affect him all his life.

She hates your son, and you put him in her hand daily for more than 10 hours. What are you thinking?

Not even for 5 minutes, I would never leave a baby to two dogs and one immature person who hates the baby, especially the person hates the child and love her dogs.

You said your son prefers you because your are his dad, are you sure it is that simple? Babies love anyone who loves them.

How do you know she does not mistreat your son while you are not around?

"Am I an idiot", you are the only person who can answer this question.

"Once her and I moved in she continued to work a part-time job and helped watch Hayden while I was at work. I never asked her to. I even brought up that I can get a baby sitter. She said "no". "

I'm sure in the beginning she thought she could handle your son. Ten hours is a long time to be alone with a little child. He probably does normal toddler stuff that she just doesn't know how to handle.

You admit yourself you know she's not ready for children, and yet you seem to think that a lightbulb will magically go off in her head the way it did for you. You seem to think that the same way you came around to the idea of being parent she'll do the same. When an unexpected child comes along, everyone reacts differently. Some people grow up, some don't. It sounds like your finance is not ready to grow up.

Just because you came around and decided to be a father does not mean she will come around and want to be a mother. She might have thought she could handle it. Heck, if some guy told me I could live with him and all I had to do was work part time and watch his kid I'd say SURE!! But now she's realizing that taking care of the dogs is easier than taking care of a little toddler. It sounds like neither one of you have the courage to do what needs to be done, which is end the relationship.

She probably doesn't want to leave because that means she'd have to take care of herself and start working full time. You probably don't want to end the relationship because - well - only you can answer that one, but I hope for your son's sake you start thinking with something other than what's between your legs.

OMG for the sake of your son leave this girl....you will find someone that will not resent your son eventually...this is not the right person for you. Your son will be a major part of your daily life for the next 16+ years....this girl will resent that, and your son will pay the price.

I find it interesting that OP only respond to Amber... and only to address the financial aspect of the relationship & the girlfriend's contribution. Apparently, OP shares 50% custody with the child's mother... if the father is working & going to school 10 hours a day, the mother should have the child those days if she wants him. He should spend his days off with his son.

The feeling I get from OP is that he does not want to hear that he should break up with his "fiancee", who by the way is NOT the child's Stepmother... she is a live in girlfriend that does not like the child. Marrying her & making her the stepmother will not change her feelings, except maybe to make her feel it's permanent... which could actually make things worse, not better. Perhaps OP is wanting to know how to make his girlfriend change her feelings? Perhaps he wants to hear that it's okay. He already admits he's being selfish by staying with her... so I don't know what his goal is in writing the post?

If this girl will openly tell you she hates your son, I don't even want to think about how she might be treating him when you aren't there.

It will hurt but you really need to do what's best for your child.

If she hates your son at 2 (which is an adorable age!!) shes gonna hate him when he gets older and talks about his mom and everything else. Shes not the one for you and your son!

How about installing a nanny cam?...
Bet that would open your eyes.

Sweeby, I know there have been cases where people catch someone on a nanny cam & it provides good evidence but the only problem I have with the whole nanny cam idea is that if you feel a need to use one, then there is already enough reason to not leave the child.

If having a woman say she hates the not even two year old child because the child hates her is not an eye opening statemtent, I don't know what is.

Azmom says OP is the only one that knows if he's an idiot... I disagree, he is an idiot if he leaves an innocent child with a person that has the mentality to claim she hates a baby because the baby hates her... and to do so for up to 10 hours a day. And he is aware enough to say he stays with her due to his own selfishness and that he himself grew up with a stepmom that hated him & he KNOWS this woman, who isn't even the stepmom, ADMITS she hates the child.... not pussyfooting around it... she right out says it. Protect that child or give him back to his mother, who I assume will protect him. Geez! (sorry but this is a touchy subject for me since one of the things my son told me yesterday was that DGS doesn't like him... after he's been gone two years. I said he doesn't KNOW you. He loves anyone that loves him... but he needs to trust. And it concerns me a great deal that this 20 month old is not lovable to that woman... WHY?) Get that child away from her!!!

Okay, I think we are getting a little carried away here. Not all two year olds are adorable and easy to fall in love with. I've known some two year olds that were complete terrors. And I think we've all used the word hate in less than serious terms - like "I hate peanuts" or "I just hate this show!" This girl is only 21, after all.

Having said that - I do agree with Imma. It doesn't seem OP wants to hear that he should break up with his GF.

Notice what he says:

"I don't understand why she harbors such ill feelings towards him."

"She's super passionate about dogs and I'm super passionate about my son. So whats the difference?"
In other words - I don't understand why she can love a dog but she can't love my son.

"What am I doing wrong?" Not, 'should I leave her?' But 'what should I do to fix this?' Translation: 'How can I make my GF feel the same way I do about my son? I didn't love my son at first either, but then I came around, why can't my GF change how she feels?'

OP - If you're still around here's your answer -
"She likes to tell me that If I wasn't a dog person she wouldn't be with me or if I hated her dog then she would leave me."
So she says if you hated her dog she would leave you. That is what she is doing to you. She says she hates your son. She wants you to leave her.

You sound like a guy who has his life together, good job, good credit, good father. It shouldn't be hard to find someone who cares for you and your son.

Imamommy, when I said he was the only one who could answer the question, I mean that unless he realized how idiotic he was, no one could make him, and he will not make changes.

Based on his postings, I think he gets more credit than he deserves.

Ima - I DO agree with you that it shouldn't take a nanny cam for this guy to realize what a terrible thing he's doing to his kid and to stop it. (See my first post.)

Trouble is, he seems to be up to his scalp in denial. Total and complete denial. And THAT'S where a nanny cam may be able to help.

You could rationalize that 'she didn't mean it' when she said she hates him, or that she just had a hard day. Or that even if she does feel that way sometimes, it certainly isn't all the time. Or that she still treats him well, even if her heart isn't in it. Or any other number of BS rationalizations that mean he doesn't actually need to dump her now and find full-time day care and admit to himself that he's done a terrible thing to his child...

A nanny cam would provide irrefutable proof that his son is not getting the loving care he wants him to have. Or perhaps, though unlikely, that the GF is actually kind, loving and reasonable and the kid is a terror...