Its really sad to see how bitter you are feeling. Maybe this woman has more problems than you are aware of. Please try to not pass your feelings about the mother along to this child, it will only cause her pain.

I would never pass on any negitive feelings toward this child. I am a very loving woman and I love this child DEARLY and would do anything to keep the child safe from harm. Yes I am bitter. However, how is one going to feel when this bio-mother doesn't care for her child, but takes the time to harass me and the childs father. She never calls or comes to see her child, we live 10 minutes from her house. Should I feel sorry for her? How long should I continue to give her credit, and what do I give her credit for?

Trust me when I say you do not hope she one day gets the money to go to court. I have three stepsons and their mother also abandoned them at very young ages (6mos. - 3yrs.). She wanted nothing to do with them until my husband became involved with me and he also stopped allowing her to come and go in their lives as she pleased. So she did just what you say you want your son's mother to do. She got the money and went to court, for full custody. Needless to say this put a whole lot of pain and confusion into these boys' lives. It was 2 years ago that she filed the papers to try for custody and every day since then has been a trial. The oldest child is the one most affected and he has problems in school and even outside the home (meaning away from me and his father) because of the way their "mother" lets them behave when she takes them places on her visitations. She, thankfully, has always lived out of state so we do not have to deal with seeing her on a daily or weekly basis. But that does not lessen the pain in any of our lives. I am not saying it is best for a child to be kept from a parent who has abandoned them in the past. All people make mistakes, although leaving your kids is practically unthinkable. It depends on the parent. How is she when she has him? Does the child miss her? Would he benefit from a relationship with her? That is the most important thing right there. Do not do anything that will force her to pursue a relationship with him out of revenge which seems to be what happened in our situation. Because if she wants him, and still has her rights, she will most likely at least get visitation. Most courts look at it this way, that all children benefit from healthy relationships with both parents as long as that parent is fit. And it is not as easy as it would seem to prove a parent unfit unless they use drugs or the like. If you have control of the situation, keep him happy and occupied so that there is no void in his life. And if it comes to him having to be with his mother against your wishes, keep your chin up and get the best lawyer you can! That does not mean the most expensive. We have an awesome lawyer and he is great about getting paid. :) Good luck!

Hi, I just added my own post and I am new to this. I read something of your dilemma and need to tell you that some of these woman that have children are dead beat mothers in other ways also. I have addressed some of my problems in my other post but need to tell you that we only have visitation rights to my husbands son. I have paid for all of his dental, his braces, his medical, his vacinations for going out of the country with his mother, his every need as a growing child. We also pay over 300.00 child support for only him and 250.00 monthly in Social Security from his fathers accident. My husband had a terrible attorney way back when and we live in a very small town. He was exausted in court battles so gave in. She has never paid for anything for her boy his whole life. You would think she would feel terrible about this but it truley amplifies her true self. This I feel is a True Dead Beat Mother. Thanks for listening.

Thank you for all of your comments. To answer some of the questions from blindhearted.... We have already been to court. She does have visitation rights, but the child lives with us. She had an attorney then and still did not show up for court. We were awarded what we asked for..which was for the child to remain with my husband and $150 (we had it lowered from the usual 20%) per month child support, we were given medical support as well. We lived 10 mins from her and her family until he was 3 (her family would try to see the child but she did not) then we moved 1 hour away and the visits from anyone grew worse (near to none), so we moved closer (25 mins away) visits were a tad bit better but not regular by any means. Then my husband got a very good job offer....10 hours away from them, so 5 months ago we moved. At first her parents said they were going to have us arrested for kidnapping (you can't kidnap someone you have custody of) then they said they would take us to court to get their grandparent rights.... and now they are somewhat silent. The bio-mom calls maybe 2-3 times per month. The grandparents have NEVER called to talk to the child. However we did call them on Thanksgiving and let them speak to the child. We did arrange for them to see the child for Christmas also which means the child will see the bio-mom also. They finally called yesterday to say they would fly down and get the child, which has me totally unglued. I am scared they will not return the child. WHat should I do? I love this child as if it were my very own. I have helped raise the child since the age of 2. I don't know what to do. The child crys and doesn't want to go. Every time we put the child on the phone to the bio-mom the child fights with her and becomes very hateful, which is not like him. The child is a very well behaved 4 1/2 year old. What does all of this negitive behavior mean? How can I cope with my insecurites while the child is gone? I knew the day would come that they would want to take the time and spend some of with the child but what do I do now and how will this affect him? Please let me know what you all think?!?!?!?!

Hello again. I read your second post, so I will add more to what I originally posted as well. Since the grandparents do not have any specific right to see the child on Christmas and I am assuming the mother does not either since you did not say so, I would suggest that you meet together with the grandparents, the child, and yourselves, meaning you and your husband. It does not seem you have to actually force the child to go by himself. So do not commit yourself to that if you are uncomfortable. Simply tell them circumstances have changed but you would still like for them to see the boy on Christmas, but make arrangements for you all to meet together either at your home or theirs or somewhere neutral. If you still want to send the child on his own, then do so. If the boy's mother ever comes around or the grandparents do go and get visitation rights, they will no doubt have the child overnight. So the up side to this is it will get him used to going and staying with these people who may be like strangers to him. It will let him get to know them and like going to stay with them. It would also get you used to being separated from him and make it easier on you each time he must leave to go with them. The down side is that you must think of how often this would happen. If they are going to take him on a regular basis, even once a month, then it may be a good idea. But, if they are only going to take him on holidays or just a couple times a year, it may be best if you are there with him when he visits. Letting him go with someone who will only visit him when the mood strikes is only going to hurt and confuse him. Christmas is right around the corner, so let us know what happens and I hope I was helpful. Merry Christmas!

Blindhearted thanks again.... Here is the scoop. The Mother does have visitation rights. The normal 1st, 3rd, and if there is a 5th weekend in a month....Christmas...Every other Thanksgiving..&..Spring Break. The grandparents do not have any "legal" right other than if the Bio-Mother says they can use her visitation or pick up the child for her and they are planning to exercise that right for the Christmas holidays. Dec. 26- Jan. 6th YIKES !!! I am totally scared!! So many days without our child will make me insane! I am so totally worried... MAIN reason.... They have called and said they have a ticket for him to travel with an adult to their home (10 hours away) BUT!!!! They have not made or given us any RETURN trip information. That has me UNGLUED!! I am so totally terrified that they would try to keep him, hide him, who knows what... We do have court orders that say when and where the child is to be returned so the law is on our side if anything. It is just the simple fact that it is 10 hours away. The child has not seen any of them since July. We told him today that there was a possibility that he would be going there and he started to cry and wanted to hide. He said he didnt want to go and begged me to call them and tell them that he said no. He said that if he gets to the airport he is going to run away when he sees them coming to get him.. What am I supose to say about that?? I know that the BIO_Mothers parents want to see the child and I am OK with that, I know that the grandparents will be good to him, they always are and I really do not want to "KEEP" him from spending time with people that will show him a good time and spoil him. I don't really want to keep him from the Mother either... but she is not consistant and it will end up hurting him in the long run and I dont want the child to hurt anymore than he already does. He has some emotional problems already that we believe stem from her abandoning the child at the age of 1 1/2... On the other hand I KNOW that when the child arrives the BIO_Mother will then take control and use the child against her own parents as she has done so many times in the past. (She has a poor relationship with her own parents and step-father) What do you do when they do not return the child? What do you do when you do not know where your child is? I am totally just lost at this point. I am normally a very strong woman... I NEVER let things get to me... except when it comes to our child. I love him so dearly. PLease tell me what you all think or maybe how I can cope with all of this a little better.
Thanks!! and Merry Christmas to you all as well!

Hello again. I can't help but post again. I understand your dilemma. So there is no choice whether you send him or not. First of all, if he is upset about going, try to ease some of that anxiety by telling him how good a time you think he will have. Tell him that you think Santa may be leaving him some great presents there for when he gets there. Tell him you and his dad will call him while he is away and ask the grandparents about letting him call you, collect even, if he is upset or needs to talk to you. Tell him you will miss him while he's gone but you will be waiting for him to come home and when he does, maybe you guys can do something special together. I have three stepsons who will be going with their mother for 5 weeks next summer. This will be the first time they have ever been away from home for so long. It will be TOUGH! But there is not much we can do, but get through it the best we can. And their mother lives the whole way across the country! Try not to worry so much about them taking the child somewhere. If they should, the police will find them, God willing, and they will lose all rights they have to the child. Have they ever had him before like this? Even for a shorter time period? Trust me, I know it is not easy to let your child go like that, especially at such a young age and to people you are not sure you can trust. But try to relax and make the best of the situation. It will take a lot of digging down deep to find the courage and ability, but you have to believe you can. If you are relaxed it should help your son to relax and not be upset about what he has to do. I will be thinking of you and wishing you luck. Please post while he's gone if you want to talk and let me know how everything goes.

I couldn't agree more!!! My situation is extremely similar to yours (unfortunately). I am a custodial step-mom to two beautiful daughters...I love them dearly and the pain their 'real' mom causes them is excruciating!
I'll make this story as short as possible...sorry if I ramble but I never dreamed that anyone else would be in this situation!

I've been in my step-daughters lives approx. 6 years. They are now aged 13 & 16. I've been married to their dad (who is a saint in my eyes) for 3 years. The girls mother left (cheater also) and kidnapped the girls, taking every last penny in the bank and ran off to daddy's house far, far away. Well, my husband, who is no dummy, immediately got a court order granting him temporary custody. He went to the state where his girls were and took them back. I guess it would have been too much of a fight b/c the 'mom' never tried to get them back and didn't call them for some time. ME thinks the child support is all she really wanted. Anyway, they eventually divorced and my husband received full custody...about $30K later. The ex dragged her feet even though she had no chance of winning custody just to drain more bucks from the girl's dad. Did I mention that 'she' never paid her lawyer...just left the state. That was in 1996. Since then, this 'not-so-nice' woman has called about 3-4 times a year, been late in sending virtually EVERY bday & holiday gift. Sometimes she plum forgets their birthday. One time she even asked the youngest what grade she was in!!!! Anyway, this peach of a bio-mom has barely paid any child support (only when we catch up to her)...she's been in trouble with the law for falsifying welfare documents and also been evicted from public housing. Her new husband is a unemployed red-neck who got kicked out of the army for drug usage. Incidently, she has another child now!

She even refused to tell my husband where she was living but still wanted to see the girls over a summer a couple years ago. She lies to her daughters mercilessly and has them believing she's the victim in all this.

However, even though all this occurs, I firmly believe that the girls need to have a relationship with their mother. My question is, if the mother has no interest, how long am I supposed to remind her daughters to send her a birthday card, Christmas presents and call her??? This eats me up daily...if ya' can't tell. :-) Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!!!

Hi Gidget! You would be amazed at all the people out there who are in situations like ours. I don't think you need to be reminding your girls to call their mom or send her cards or gifts. They are old enough now that they can decide for themselves if they'd like to send her something. There's no need for you to remind them. What you can do is to not stand in their way if they do want to call or send a gift. The best thing you can do, although it is sometimes the hardest, is to stand by them and help them to have a relationship with her if that is what they want. Just respect thier wishes. If they want her, fine. If not, that should be fine too. Most likely it will be you they look to when they are grown and out of the house. They will see you as a mother. They may always have a strained relationship with their mother, but you can be there for them as long as you need to be. I know it's hard, but try to be strong and be good to them and it will pay off in the long run.

You know what the hardest part is? My ex-husband and I have the ideal divorce situation. There is open visitation, he just calls and I'll either drive my son over to his house (approx. 30 miles away) or I'll meet him or his current wife somewhere. We may be divorced, but we have a wonderful child TOGETHER. It is SO important that BOTH parents are involved (and support one another) in their child's life. I just can't fathom why one parent would chose to walk away! This especially hurts my SDs because they see how things are for my son (getting to see his dad all the time) and wish it could be the same with their mom. :-(

Hi Blindhearted and Gidget... I am so glad that we have all found eachother and can try to help give advice to one another. This has been a hard road for us all I am sure of that much. To update you guys on my situation... The Bio-Mothers ..step-father.. came to pick up the child yesterday at noon as the court orders allow. However... we have now found out that they had no plans on returning the child to us and that we will be driving 10 hours to go pick the child up. I knew they would do this to us. First it was "we will buy a roundtrip ticket" then it was "we are not sure if we can make it there" then it went to "we have arrangements to pick up the child but we have not completed the return flight or trip arrangements" The only thing we can do is go and pick up the child. And we will. We never even had the option to buy a return flight and now it is really too late... it will cost more to do that now that it is the last minute. Anyway.. Once the child got there.. they did call but get this... We ask the child did you have fun... silence... are you there... silence... we try to talk to the child and the BIO_Mother!!!!! has the nerve to constantly tickle, shove food in the childs mouth, and distract the child to keep the kid from talking to us. This is what we are dealing with at this point. I will have to keep you guys posted on the next steps.. Do any of you have any suggestions on how to handle any of this??
Gidget.. I agree with Blindhearted... you should not have to remind your SD's. They are of age to do what they feel is right in their hearts. You will be the one they look up to. You are the one who has been there for these girls when their mother was not. I can't say that they will not always want to have that special relationship with their mother.. but it seems to me that they have not really had that most of their lives. It is so very hard to start a Mother-Daughter or Mother-Child relationship when so many years have passed. I speak from personal experience. My Father and Mother divorced when I was 12.. He sent her back to the country she was from and lied to me and my brother and said she did not want us. HE moved us away and for 5 years she had no clue where we were or if we were alive. I hated her for 5 long years..for not wanting us and then I found out the real truth..that she never stopped looking for us until the day she found us and I then hated my father and moved to my grandparents because I could not take it. I have since overcome my hatered for her and forgiven my father for hurting us the way he did. But because I can forgive the situation doesn't mean that I can forget it happened.. It will never bring back the years that I lost and I can never mend the relationship now. WE are friends and she is my mother and I love her dearly but we do not have the relationship that I always dreamed I would have with my mother. Anyway... that is another long story that I will save for another day.
Just be there for your SD's and let them know that you are there for them.. not just because you married their father.. but because you care and love them and know that they need a mother in their lives.. even though you can not replace the one who gave birth to them you can be there every step of the way to guide them through life and you will be the one they will look up to. Good luck!!

ThaiMommy, it sounds like the bio-mom has the mentality of a 5-year old...I don't know how to tell you to deal with that type of behavior (short of putting her in time out! ha!). How old is your step child? Will he/she soon be able to decide whether or not he/she even WANTS to go visit bio-mom?

I too am very happy to have this 'outlet'...thank you for responding!
However, I do have one confession though...as adamant as I am about my step daugthers keeping up communication with their mother, (and please know that I would do ANYTHING to help them in that regard), I am equally as adamant that she pay her court ordered $204.00 month child support. How can I 'act' like I'm doing her a favor by keeping her in contact with her kids...yet I am the one who has 'ordered' my husband to contact the AG about getting her to pay. (She owes $13K in arrears). My husband and I do fine financially, but I feel that (a) she owes it to her kids to help out (I am supporting them and I'm not even their mother!) and (b) if she can't be in their lives, she should at least have to think of them when she pays support (d) that money would go directly into College savings for the girls -- which we will need soon and (c) my ex-husband -- whom I consider a dear, dear friend has NEVER, EVER missed a payment in 10 years! And, he has 3 other children to support on a fireman's salary. While, the girl's mom lives rent/utility free with her daddy (has many judgements against her b/c she just doesn't pay her bills) and works when she feels like it. My husband and I both work b/c we HAVE TO to support our kids. Why can't I expect her to do the same? If you can't already tell, this is a HUGE thorn in my side. Am I just a big meany?

Gidget!!
Hello again!
I think you are right on the money when it comes to child support. If you are grown enough to sleep with someone and take no regard to what the out come may be, then you are grown enough to get a job and support the children that are conceived, even if you do not want to be a parent.. that is your choice. Although that is a great dis-service to your child. I think you are doing the right thing. Just because she is lazy is no excuse to not pay your support. These children did not ask to be brought into this world. Thank GOD there are people like you and your husband that will take care of them. I am sure that is what the problem is.. this woman sounds to me like a VERY spoiled person who will possilbly never gain any real sense of responsibility since her "DADDY" does not make her. Good Luck! We deal with some of those issues also but ours is not that far behind in support.. just her medical support. You can't win them all! :-)

ThaiMommy,
Thank you for your opinion! It makes me feel better. And, guess what? The state of VA just collected our first income withholding in 7 months. Our case was transferred from TX to VA (via UIFSA). Maybe, just maybe she'll keep a job now since the 'law' is on her own turf and can take all enforcement measures necessary to make sure that she keeps paying.
The girls keep asking if their mommy can come to TX to visit...I thought I'd write their biomom a short letter telling her that she's welcome to come for a visit, just call and together I'm sure we can arrange something.
I'd write this knowing that she wouldn't dare step foot in TX b/c of the child support arrearage which has led to an arrest warrant. However, she's already told the girls that she's coming to TX this summer (about the 5th time she's told them this and not shown up). The point of the letter would be to make sure the girls know it's not us keeping their mommy from them. What do you think?

P.S. I feel bad asking you for all the advice...if you need any advice, please let me know! :-)

Gidget...
Hello. I think you should tell her she is welcome to come. If the girls want to see her then please let them know that you are willing to do what you can to help them. Meanwhile it is not your fault the Bio-Mom is behind in support. You guys have to do what it takes to make sure your kids get what is owed to them. Not only is it the law.. it should be a moral responsibility to do for your children. Unfortunately for us things here have gone SOUR! We were served with court papers a few days ago.. The bio-mom is suing my husband for custody. I am afraid it is about to get really ugly. She tried to claim we were unfit and our living standards will effect the emotional develepment of my SS. We have an attorney and we are ready to go back.. but I don't know if she is really ready for what she just started. Wish us luck!!!

I'll not only wish you luck, I will keep you and your family in my prayers!!! Please remember that you have someone who's thinking about you and will be here if you need to talk.

Also, I'm sure that you know this, but make sure you have lotz of documentation about all that's gone on with the bio-mom. Does your step child know what's happening?
I truly will never understand why some adults just can't grow up and see what is in the best interest of their children! I know things will go well with you in court b/c (from the sounds of it) the bio-mom has done nothing but manipulate and mentally abuse your step-child. Please let me know how things progress... Take care!

I actually have the same problem as you. My husband left his ex wife 6 years ago, but has two kids with her. The problem here I have is the same she is a real deadbeat mother, she has took him to court so he can only see his kids every two weeks and all she's worried about is damn money. This deadbeat mother is all worried about money but the funny part about it is that these kids of hers don't even live her. They come down my house every two weeks and complain of how they want to live with us because they never see their mother, so now what kind of mother is she?
She calls constantly telling us how she needs more money for this and more money for that but this sad to say mother don't even take care of them. I am a stepmother just like you who hates his ex-wife with a passion just for a fact that she's not a mother at all. So now why do these women have kids if they can't even take care of them? A child needs a mother but a lot of them don't even have that. We are actually in the process of finding out of how to get her in trouble and take these kids away. Mad.....

I am a father who is owed over $15,000 and counting.

I have started a website for fathers.

Find Dead Beat Moms will launch on Arpil 1st. I am dedicated to helping other dads who are tired of getting the run around when it comes to moms who owe child support and are not paying. Finddeadbeatmoms.com will be a great resource for locating these deadbeat moms. Right now you can go to http://finddeadbeatmoms.com/ to see what I am going to offer dads around the country. Please sign up for my weekly newsletter call Find Dead Beat Moms. Instructions to get the newsletter is at http://finddeadbeatmoms.com/

I am going to showcase dead beat moms on the website along with a picture. They do not deserve to continue to get away with what will put a man in jail after missing just a few payments.

Go to http://finddeadbeatmoms.com/ and give me your dead beat mom story. I will put these stories on the website.

http://finddeadbeatmoms.com/
If you would like to make a donation to our cause please email me at admin@shonjimenez.com. All donations will be used to pay for resources to help locate dead beat moms on the run. An accountability report will be made available weekly.
Shon Jimenez

Here is a link that might be useful: Find Dead Beat Moms

OMG I READ THIS POST! AND THOUGHT, this sounds like my life! Im so stuck and confussed. it causing problem in my relationship with my husband! That i have wanted to take my biological kids and walk away and leave him with his issues with his ex and kids! His children have so many issues! I dont even know where to start! If u can help in anyway! Katie

I have a true DEAD-BEAT (AKA Birther) It's been over 10yrs and only 4 phones calls ( over 60,000 owed in support). The only way I am ever able to get info is to look up her arrest record in the state of IL. The children have now asked that I legally adopt them. That way their birth certificates will have me listed as mom. ( I have been mom since both were in diapers and 1 is a teen and the 2nd is a "tween" )

I don't understand all of this. I met a woman here in Kansas whose ex was in prison for non payment of child support. To get money out of my ex I had to really push using an attorney. I even had to go to Ark. to find out his address. They arrested him and brought him to Kansas. He told the judge he was sleeping in his car, said he had no home or job. The judge just laughed and said I heard that from others but that won't keep you out of jail. Either pay up some child support now or we will put you away for awhile. He wife immediately send $500. which was equivalent to 5 months child support back then. Of course when he returned to Ark. he never paid again. I married during that time and my new husband said "drop it, I will support you and your son". So I did. The ex claimed one of son's on his taxes when he had him 3 months. I won that go around also.

Maybe you need to push harder to get him to pay.

EmmaR, In my case it's a deadbeat mother. My state won't extradite over it , she won't come back to the state since there are 2 felony child abandonment & grand theft charges pending. Her latest dumb move was to have an uncapped drug needle in her pocket and a cop got stuck while searching her. So she was hit with assault of a peace officer with a deadly weapon, on top of the possession and DUI charges.
( should she ever be caught in this state she's looking at 15 yrs )
It's another level of sad when the only pictures that a child sees of their absent parent is a mug shot when the kid used google.

I hope you were removed from this child's life you should have never allowed their child to call you momy your not their mommy and never will be

What a load of cr@p louise, sounds like bio-mom was the one who wasn't mommy- by her own choice. If the little one wanted to call Thaimommy "mommy" then good on her. I for one hope Thaimommy and her DH got custody of the poor little mite and everyone except bio-mom lived happily ever after.