feeling bad

15 years ago

I am having a horrible day! My DH and I woke up this morning and started arguing over something stupid. At the end of it I yelled to him saying I am leaving. (I meant leaving for work and me and him both knew that) Well middle SD overheard and ran down the stairs and began screaming at her dad and crying. She said "Don't you think that maybe I want a mom? Be nice to her so she doesn't leave me too!"

Of course we both felt like crud and explained to her that adults can argue without splitting up. I also explained that by saying I was leaving I only meant to go to work and that I would always be here for her. She was so upset and said that she thought I meant that I was leaving them.

We cleared it all up and she was fine afterwards and even laughed at her mix up.

But I feel horrible that we were arguing and the kids heard. And I feel so bad that she thinks that just because we had an argument that would mean we are splitting up and she won't have a mom.

But all this has me thinking. It is like she realizes that her mom is not there for her but she thinks it is just because her dad and mom split up. So she thinks that is just what happens when parents split up? That one parent just stops being a parent?

I really want us to clear that idea up in her head, but don't exactly know how to do so without being negative about her mom. Do you think we should clear that idea up or just let it go? I don't want her thinking that when a marriage breaks up that it is normal for one parent to just stop being a parent. This is all making my head hurt!

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Comments (4)

kkny
15 years ago
I dont think any child who has to deal with divorce isnt going to have some bad feelings. All you can do is your best -- which it sounds like you are doing.
iloveexercise
15 years ago
"She said "Don't you think that maybe I want a mom? Be nice to her so she doesn't leave me too!"

I'm sorry I dont know what to say,but that just made me cry a little...
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doodleboo
15 years ago
The girls are really sensitive to any emotional rise between J and I. We don't even have to be having a row for them to become upset.

There was on day when i had gotten ill about something that happened at work and as I told J about it my voice staretd to rise and it was obvious I was irritated. Both girls immediatly started telling us not to fight. "Stop IT! YOU HUG DADDY!" Even when I tried to explain that wasn't mad at daddy they remained upset untill we hugged and kissed and said I'm sorry and I love you.

They don't remember J and their mother together but J has explained they couldn't live together because they fought. They also have witnessed fights between their mother and her exNat, who they were very close to. The last fight resulted in Nat leaving.

In their little brains fighting=leaving. The only thing you can do is be sensitive to the connection and do your best to remain cool around them even when youre mad as hell. We also explained that arguing can be healthy and normal sometimes. It doesn't mean you don't LOVE that person it just means youre human.

The scars are there once a child has been abandoned. It's really sad.
ashley1979
15 years ago
I think you are doing a great job. Just help them understand that arguing is a normal and healthy part of a marriage and it will happen from time-to-time. Let them know that, even though sometimes people get upset, it's necessary so that problems can get resolved. And let them know that you argue because you love eachother and are trying to blend two different ways of doing things into one way that has the most benefits for everyone including the kiddos.

Kids need to have examples of effective problem-solving. They need to see how people can take their own ideas and adapt them so that they work for everyone.

It's not bad that the kids heard you argue. Unless you were saying hateful things and cursing. Then, maybe you should be a bit quieter with those parts ;)

BTW, there's nothing worse than arguing in the morning before everyone goes off to work. I HATE that! It totally ruins my day and makes me feel like there's something unresolved going on.

feeling bad

Comments (4)

kkny

iloveexercise

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doodleboo

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