When there are children, the ex is never uninvolved. You need to have more trust and feel more secure about your relationship.

The ex was a part of that family for quite some time, they need not drop her just because she is no longer legally a part of the group. It probably makes the children feel better to know their mother is still considered a member of the family.

Under different circumstances I would agree. However his mother and his daughter have never, ever had a nice thing to say about the ex wife. Her extramarital affairs(both male and female) are what ended the marriage. His daughter even caught her in the act. I truly believe that his daughter has a problem with me being in her dad's life and I think it's in everyone's best interest to nip this in the bud. I think he should spend time with her and reassure her, but he choses to avoid and ignore the situation leaving me to take the repercussions and I can't do that any more.

Susnnn,
I really know how you feel, and yes it can be very frusterating. I also am with a man who has kids from a previous marriage. It doesn't bother me when the kids talk about there mother. I understand thats natural. I have a son who talks about his dad all the time. But it really bothers me when the inlaws talk about her(the ex). Sometimes they talk like shes a total waste of skin, and then the next time they talk about what she got them for christmas like shes a saint. It also really bothers me that my mother in law still hangs out with his ex. It makes it so i don't want nothing to do with my in laws. I get tierd of hearing about her. I don't know why my mother in law always says stuff aboput her like i want to hear it or something. up until now i have dealt with it and just let it go in one ear and oput the other, but i am ready to change this. I am going to talk to my fiance first and tell him how it really bothers me and i am going to ask if him if he thinks his mother has any reasoning behind it. I really don't have much advice for you. I just wanted to let you know that this does happen to other people and i do not think you are acting to sensative. When they decided to split is the day the ex should have been left out of family holidays. Cheer up and enjoy the rest of your holidays.

Thank you very much melzer. I was starting to think that I was wrong to feel this way. Sure it bothers me that the ex is still a big presence at family gatherings, but what is really causing a problem is that my fiance doesn't think that his family should know that it bothers me. In other words, just put up with whatever his family does regardless of how others feel. I just can't put on a happy face and pretend it doesn't matter, because it does. I feel that his refusal to say anything to them is just a way of saying that my feelings aren't important to him either.

Susnnn, you're not wrong to feel this way--but feeling this way will not make anything better. This woman is the mother of your guy's children, and always will be. To his family she is a woman they once had a close relationship with, and they can't just cut ties because you have come on to the scene. I'm not saying that to be cruel. In fact you are lucky--you're in a family that doesn't dump people. Next time, offer to fix a plate for the ex yourself. It will make you feel better, and may win you a lot of brownie points.

No matter how you feel - it is your feelings and should not be a part of family dynamics. Keep it to yourself and it will blow over. Make a point of it and all of a sudden you will be considered the one with an emotional problem and that will last forever. Let it go. Be an adult and let the ex be the baby. Time will show how much more you are held in their esteem in the long run. Some times short term rewards end in long term losses. Be strong.

I think it is tactless of anyone to talk at any great length about an 'ex' in the presence of the 'current'. I reckon, in any social situation, it is rude to engage in a topic of conversation that makes anybody who is part of the group conversation feel uncomfortable, whether it is religion, politics, romantic history or whatever!!!

His mother should certainly know better. As for your fianceÂs daughter, if she were 7 years old, she would not be expected to know the social norms of conversation. However, as a teenager she is surely old enough to know right from wrong in a social setting. If the mother wants to discuss the ex with her granddaughter, there are surely a million opportunties to do so privately without involving you.

However, it is for your fiancé to take his daughter aside and tell him it is rude to talk about an ex at length in your presence. If she is old enough to be dating, he can remind her how she would feel at her boyfriendÂs house if his family kept talking about his ex girlfriend  I'm sure if she were in that situation, she would not like it one bit. Surely she is old enough to learn "do unto othersÂ"

Hi Susnnn,
I'm going to offer an alternative opinion. First of all, marriage is hard, second marriages are twice as hard. From what I'm hearing, you're entering into a situation where neither your fiance nor his family is sensitive to your feelings in this area. I agree, whether the ex was a part of their life or not, she doesn't need to be "dangled" in front of you. If his family was so important to his ex, then she wouldn't have dishonored them with her affairs. My marriage is my DH's second, my first. There are plenty of problems with managing finances, step-children, custody, court, and the simple realities of meshing two people's lives. Frankly, if you can't work out this/these issues now, I would strongly suggest you evaluate whether you want a lifetime of it. If he/they are telling you to "get over it" now, he's likely to tell you that in many issues that you have. My mom always told me, you'll never get better treatment in your relationship than before you're married, and she was SOOOO right!
Good luck in whatever you decide!

What is wrong with being sensitive?! When others need a good listener, someone who may be able to empathize or sympathize with another's feelings, they turn to sensitive, caring people. But it becomes a "personality disorder" when the sensitive person feels hurt or rejected by the rudeness or insensitivity of others!Isn't it ironic?!

Beach: Yes - you are right... absolutely - but you can't change the nature of these people just because it is right. Sometimes you have to play the game to get it going in your direction.

First off, let me say your feelings are certainly valid. But there are two major things I think you need to work on BEFORE you marry this guy -- 1. you need to feel more secure in your relationship, because the ex will always be in the picture to some degree. If you think you will be upset everytime her name comes up, or she calls, etc. than you need to rethink getting married. 2. You need to work on your relationship with your future step-daughter, because it definately sounds like she doesn't like you in the picture. Now some of that is just normal, especially with teenage hormones. But the more of a relationship you can build with her the better. Find some common interests and spend some time with her -- just you and her. ALSO (this is important!!!!) make sure that she gets some time with her dad alone. She may be resenting the fact that you are getting so much of her father's love and attention, especially with a wedding in the works.) As far as letting his family know, your best bet is to just subtly change the subject so that your presence is known, and they realize they are being rude to you. Also, the relationship-building goes for your in-laws too.
Good luck!

Susnnn, can you jump into the daughter's shoes for a minute, and see how she might feel disloyal and guilty sitting around enjoying a holiday with you, and not her own mother? And then how her father and grandmother instinctively tried to protect and validate her feelings by jumping up to make up the plate of food, etc.?

You can do so much good by acknowledging the daughter's natural feelings of love and loyalty for her mother, and for the marriage that created her. Why not compliment her on those good emotions? You could say, "Oh, how nice of you to think of your mother on this holiday and want to take her some food, here let me help you."

Even if part of the daughter's goal was to insult and slight you, I think you can turn that around by ignoring it, and refusing to take it negatively and personally. Don't ever let it be about you, except in the best way.

Very insightful, JacLyn!!! You are so right. Sometimes, we expect kids to act like adults (when even the adults don't), but forget how chldren this age are still so unprepared for these emotions. They are not sophisticated enough to realize that they are hurting someone else - they are dealing with their own pain and sense of loss because at this age - self - is king!!

I really did try to think of the daughters emotions about all of this. After all I am taking her dad away from her (he's moving 75 miles to be with me) But the thing that really bothered me the most was her mother calling so many times during the day. She had never called before when I have been at family dinners and my fiance says that she hasn't called any other times. What I felt was happening was that her mother was the one having a problem with me being there and she inflicted that onto her daughter. It really felt like a team effort. And I did make a comment while Grandma was preparing the ex's special plate. I told his daughter that it was very nice of her to bring Thanksgiving dinner home to her mother. Her reaction was strange. She looked at me, gasped and then ran, yes ran, into the next room and called her mother. That was mostly what validated my suspicions
As far as how my fiance's mother dealt with the situation, well I found it to be rude. If she felt that she needed to protect the girls feelings she could have done so without making a production out of getting the food ready. The topper for this whole day was when we dropped the kids off at their mothers house. She wasn't even home and my fiance's daughter left her mothers food in my car. I did make sure that she came back and get it. After all, her mothers dinner was the main focus of the day.
My fiance did talk to his daughter about the situation. She told him that she didn't have bad feelings towards me and she didn't realize what she had said until she had said it. No apology, no remorse.
I guess I need to look at it this way...I very rarely see his daughter. The way she has been raised cannot be changed. I do not have to be around her if I don't choose to. I guess I just had a distorted picture of getting to know his daughter and having some sort of relationship with her. After all, she will always be a part of his life. I just wish he would help me with this.

You started this thread with a request, saying "I really need opinions on this please." I think what you really want is to be told that your feelings and reactions are right, and that the rest of your future family's feelings and behavior are wrong, wrong, wrong. But how can anyone judge feelings?

Obviously the way they did behave didn't conform to your expectations, and you are hurt and upset. You want to be acknowledged as the new Queen, for your fiance to back you up, your stepdaughter-to-be to respect your position and for your future MIL to banish the old Queen from the premises. It won't happen, my dear..and if your reaction to this minor incident is this strong, imagine what the future is really going to be like when the going gets tough. And it will, as the daughter/ex-wife/grandmother AND your husband will all be on the same side, just as they have been for the years before you arrived.

For you to survive, you have to get on the same side as they are, since you are the one coming into THEIR family. Don't kid yourself about not having to be around her if you don't want to. This is a package deal you're buying into. Your husband will always feel that his first responsiblities, financial and emotional, are to his children...and he's right! As for the grandmother..forget it..in a grandma's eyes the children can do no wrong.

You're not going to like this either, but I wish you would get some stepfamily counseling before you marry into this family. Your future happiness may depend upon the skills you bring to these complex relationships. You are just beginning to get an inkling of how difficult your life might be. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I am concerned for you, a young woman, walking straight into unhappiness. Take care.

Geez Jaclyn, that seemed a little harsh! I'm not quite sure how you came to think I was striving to be the reigning Queen in this family. As a divorced mother of 2 sons (18 and 20) I am well aware of teenagers feelings when their parent is involved in a new relationship, I also know where as a parent, intervention, as well as understanding. At age 16, almost 17, his daughter is old enough to be aware of how her behavior makes others feel. I would bet money that her actions that day were intentional, not innocent and well meaning towards her mother.
Maybe you're right, maybe I'm upset that they didn't "conform" to my standards. You know the standards of being polite to guests in your home, common courtesy, making people you invite to dinner feel comfortable. Maybe those standards are a little extreme in today's society. My standards also include guiding your children, talking to them when they do something unnacceptable (my fiance finally did talk to her) not letting them do what they want and never be told anything was wrong.
But I asked for your opinion and I sure got it. I guess in asking for opinions here, it has helped me strengthen my own.

I'm sorry that some of my comments sounded harsh. I just feel you are an idealistic young woman..as you said, you feel you are 'going crazy' and are thinking of calling off the wedding. That's a strong reaction to a one-time incident, and it set off a lot of red flags in my mind. I sincerely wish you the best.

Jaclyn,
Thanks for the reply. The thing that was truly making me crazy and making me consider calling everything off wasn't because of his daughter, but more because of his reaction of telling me to deal with it. I did't feel that he was stepping in where he should of and the message I got from his complacency was that he didn't really care how uncomfortable I was. After much discussion I now realize that my fiance is an ostrich sticking his head in the sand to avoid conflicts. He saw this as my problem instead of our problem and figured I could deal with it.

Susnnn, I suggest that you take a long hard look at this family and decide if you really want to LIVE WITH people who are going to try and manipulate, irritate or at the least, aggravate you. If they can yank your chain now they will continue to 'upset your applecart' at every opportunity. I spent 10 years with such a family and have never been the same. There is sort-of an un-written law concerning ex-wives who have a mans child. She will always be #1.(ask a lawyer). Circumstances will either make you better or bitter. I'll say a prayer for you girlfriend, cause your gonna need it.

Your message was like deja vu when I read it - my husband's first wife does the same thing!!! I've been a stepmother of 4 stepchildren, aged 18 to 30, for nearly a year now, so I don't have scads of experience but I can tell you this much: The problem won't be so much with the ex, or the in-laws; it'll be with your husband/boyfriend. If he won't stand up for you now (when he's supposed to be 'rehearsing' for the role of husband)you can probably expect more problems down the road. In my case my husband's first wife (who lives in Oregon,thankfully!) came to visit her daughter here in Missouri and expected his parents to pick her up at the airport and put her and her 11-year old child up in their home, and then drive her all over the state. My in-laws are in their 70's and not the best of health, but they did it. (by the way, she and my husbanc have been divorced for 23 years...) First wife arrived in town, met me, and almost immediately started spreading lies. My husband had it out with his parents for enabling this sort of thing. We've still had problems with his children (especially the 30 year old "adult" daughter and her "family"), but I don't think I'd have stayed with him if he'd backed down when it really mattered

I agree with MOStepmom. You need your fiance to back you up one hundred percent. He should acknowledge that it is uncomfortable for you to listen to his family talk about the ex. It makes sense that her name should come up occasionally, but it also makes sense that it should not dominate the conversation.

I had a similar situation. At a family gathering my boyfriend's sister brought up a story about my boyfriend and his ex's honeymoon trip. I was very uncomfortable. After the party I told my boyfriend how I felt and he said he understood. He asked me if I wanted him to talk to his family and I said no because I didn't want to make waves. Well, at another gathering the same story popped up at the dinner table (this time by his mom). I left the table. And my boyfriend followed me. We did it fairly casually -- pretending we needed something to drink, so no one else may have noticed. I really appreciated that he recognized that the subject was inappropriate and he backed me up by joining me in the kitchen. We are hoping that over time everyone will gradually let go of the past.

I think you have every right to be upset. They are totally rude and aren't being the least bit considerate of you. My mil still has framed pics of my hubby with his ex and their child hanging up in her house. We had our wedding reception there and I had to ask them to take them down. The next day, they were right back up. My husband has not been a part of his child's life in two years, and they haven't seen the child in longer than that. I hate it for them, but the kid is not coming back. We have a new baby and there are no pictures of him at all in their house, and there are 10 of the first child on the fridge. They rarly see our child. I don't think they are trying to be rude, they are very nice to me, but I haven't worked up the courage to say anything. I know how you feel.

frist off as most of the posters said the ex will always be in the picture one way or another when theres children invoiled,second I am sure the sd and the ex knew what they were doing and did so to make you unconfortable, its normal for sc to talk about there other parent but not like that, that was rude! and to invite only the father on vacation that was also rude, better think long and hard about marrying this man, if he ingores your feeling now and thinks your the one with the problem! theres been alot of opinions to this post, and one that readly brothers me why doesnt the second wife or the third deserve the same respect from there husband as the frist, your husband or wife should be frist! I doult anyone would expect different if you were the frist wife, thats probley why there are so many second divorces, yes your childrens feeling and what they need are very imporant and no one should treat your children mean or be rude to them, most sc have this dream that there parents will get back together and wouldnt accept anyone in there parents life and would do what ever to run them off, sounds like what your sd and her mother was trying to do, if your fiance is sticking his head in the sand now be prepared for a whole lot more, I have a husband like that and it has been the same with mandy things, I have been second to what ever his children want and alot of times third to the ex, mind you my husband is a very good man, one holiday dinner comes to mind I will never forget, my sc was suppose to be picked up by there mother, while talking on the phone to her my sd got off and said her mom was mad at her and said her father could just bring them home latter, we set down to eat our family dinner with my children and now his also, the ex calls and says tell your dad to bring you here now, guess what he jumped up to take them,I said yes ! you better run real quick, our dinner was ruined for me I had spent all day cooking and it to her five seconds to ruine it. like one of the posters said frist marriges are hard but second can be impossible expectily if they keep there head in the sand. good luck to you

well it has been nearly a year since the Thanksgiving incident and nothing has changed. He defends his daughters behaviour to this day. I have not seen her since last Thanksgiving and I have expressed to him the importance of mending the problems. It has really affected our relationship. Yet he refuses to address anything.He says I have to. The girl lives 70 miles away, it's not like I can just call her either. That is not comfortable. I have made suggestions as to how things can get better, a picnic, a camping trip anything where we could spend time together as a group. But that will never happen. He makes no attemtps. He defends everything that girl does. He lost his job in Feb nd moved in with me. I told him I wold handle the bills until he got a fll time job. He has been working a part time job since March and makes no attempts to find anything else. He rarely helps with the household bills. But when his litle princess needs her car fixed or anything else monetary, he is first in line with his checkbook. ne time she asked him for money and he said no and she refused to speak to him for three months. She even hung up on him when he called her. His reasoning for all of this, shes just a typical bratty teenager. Too bad she doesn't have typical father who practices active parenting. He has a teenage son too and there never seems to be a problem with him. he doesn't get everything that he wants. He's a nice kid.

Anyway he is moving out. don't know how he is going to support himself, but I have had enough. His daughter can have him all to herself now.
What ruined it was the conflict and the fact of him spending money on her when he pays nothing to live where he lives. He doesn't want to change anything so I am making the changes and he is gone.

GOOD FOR YOU!!! FIND SOMEONE WITHOUT ALL OF THAT BAGGAGE GIRLFRIEND!! LOL