Dear Sunny,

I am new to this site and left a posting under "If I could tell Stepmothers of adult children anything." Please check out this link. There are some suggestions on how to do the holidays there. I have been a stepmother and grandmother, now for 24 years and I am a soon to be licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.

Please seek out a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in your area. It is well worth it. My stepfamily started out very rough and today they are a real blessing to me. Please be encouraged -- you will want to jump ship many times, but what if you jump and miss the blessings that may be just around the corner.

Good luck on your journey:o)

Dear Sunny,

I am so sorry your day was not a happy one. I read your post and thought, "My day could have turned out that way." It didn't because I think I've learned that, as a stepmom, you have to suck up a lot of stuff you wouldn't ordinarily. And you do this not because of any love or loyalty you feel towards your stepkids, but because you love your husband and want to make a life with him.

One thing I have picked up on from this forum is that it is usually the stepchildren that drive the relationship with the step-parent. Most step-parents want to have a good relationship with their stepkids, one that is caring and loving and accepting. My daughters adore my husband, so there has never been any conflict. Okay, it probably helps that they are good girls and don't engage in illegal activities. Both of my SS, however, are extremely loyal to their BM, more so than to their dad, and don't always accept me or my place as their father's wife. It still stings that SS#1 skipped our wedding because he said, "I know mom and dad aren't getting back together, but I don't want to 'condone' this wedding." Interesting attitude for a then 15-yo. And SS#2 just said yesterday that a lot of BM's family are building second homes in the Asheville, NC, area, and dad should do that. What on earth would possess him to think that dad would want to be near ex-wife's extended family? Or that I would?

It's this sort of stuff that you need to just let roll off. Before you do anything drastic, you probably should see a counselor. It may help your DH understand how you are feeling about the situation, because if he can be supportive, it will go a long way in helping ease the hurt of stepchildren who are not nice. It will at least help you to know that you tried everything you could to make your lives (both yours and DH's) better. Good luck.

One thing that helps is keeping things in perspective:
you are not the only, you are not the first, & you won't be the last.

Scheduling your time tightly keeps you too busy to mope, & if you wake up lonely, you can cuddle the cat & count your blessings.

Gather up the threads of your own life & start enjoying it again.

some random bits of what I think are wisdom, garnered through experience & observation & listening to other people's experiences:

If the spouse "promises" to do better, go to counselling, stop the money faucet to his kids, etc, *if you'll just come back*, consider it a campaign promise or a sales spiel.

Once you're "back", you've lost your bargaining position & he has no motivation to change anything.

Women believe words.
Men believe actions.

A woman can say a thousand times that she's so miserable that she's leaving, & there will not be any changes until she really does leave.

Her partner somehow just doesn't believe it, it just isn't real to him...
until he comes home to find her car & her clothes gone.

Then he's bewildered.

If a spouse says he'll change, be skeptical:
He believes actions, not words, even when they're his own words.
If he says he's going to change, wait for him to do it.

A cop who'd evidently seen it all (shudder) once told me he wouldn't even go out with a woman who had children at home, children just barely out of the home, or children who were maybe thinking about moving back into the home:
there were just too many tangled threads there, & the potential for pain & grief was just too high.

You can pick up the threads of your own fulfilling life & find happiness without taking on other people's anguish.

I wish you the best.

God,reading your post brought back many familar feelings I've had for 10 years dealing with my husband's kids. I was only 20 when I married and a bit still too immature to really deal with step children,so it has been an uphill battle. And because my husband has all girls,there is even more of a competition I feel then if it were boys.
So many times I have said the same thing to him,that I just couldnt take it anymore.That I wanted out.We have fought alot,and I'm sure in the future we will some more.
My husband always assures me how much he loves me though,so I always stay.
I actually think counseling is a really good idea. It can help to get some un-biased opinions and perspectives on things. Maybe it will help DH see the error of his ways,and help you deal with your feelings too.
But truely,if you are unhappy,then get out. Life is too short to be miserable.Not everyone even wants kids of their own,let alone someone else's.So I totally dont think you are wrong for feeling how you do.

Sunnygardenerme,

I am sorry to read about the argument with DH. I feel for you and that is certainly because I am living the same situation with DH.

Being a stepmom is definitely a challenge and there are alot of conflicts to deal with. However, I am now realizing, after 18 years of being a stepmom, that alot of the conflict isn't necessarily created by the stepchildren themselves, but rather by the DH - there need to always give, give and give to the detriment of the relationship, there lack of respect for our feelings, etc.

I have tried my best this xmas to really make peace with DH cuz we had alot of disagreements before xmas in regards to money and lots of other issues that are created with the xmas season. SD came home yesterday with her two daughters, SS and other SD. We all had a good time. SD was nice to me. I don't remember the last time she was so quiet and nice towards me. She is having a lot of problems in her mariage so maybe that is what explains her quietness these days. I felt really sorry for her and I did my best to be kind towards her.

I get up this morning....the car is gone! What! Guess who used it to go back to biomom's place after the party at our place! Stepdaughter used it! DH had to much to drink to drive them home, so he says! Well, considering they had all walked over to our place to enjoy, the party, what was wrong with them walking backto biomom's! Oh no, DH wanted to look good again and just went ahead and gave SD the keys to the car! There is a four year old child in the car, not sitting in a proper car seat for children and there are 6 people in all in a really small car. Two things that are against the law. DH doesn't see anything wrong with what he did! The worst is that the insurance on the car is in my name. So if there's an accident, who do you think is going to be in trouble!!! Me! I was so mad about the whole thing, i told him i was done! We were supposed to go away to the cottage today; we had planned this a long time ago; but all these plans were cancel without even any discussion with me when DH decided to drive SD home today with the two children instead of us going away. We'll go another day, he says. Ya! Well how many times have I had to reajust the plans because all of a sudden everything was changed because he couldn't tell his daughter we had plans made. No, as usual he just didn't care that our plans were disregarded.

Anyways, i am not here to tell you my story. I just want to say that I really, really hope you are feeling better today, that you and DH can at least talk quietly to one another and that whatever decision you two have reached, will be the best for both of you.

Be good to yourself.

Well thanks to all who responded. There was some really good advise. I feel better today, however, in my heart I know that what I went through over the holiday will happen again and again. Without the kids around we are happy together and things are good. But as soon as they come around there will be more turmoil, there always is. I am still thinking on what it is I am going to do. I do not want to make a big mistake so I am taking my time and fully thinking things through. Please keep the advise coming.

THANKS TO EVERYONE!

This is like the third or fourth thread I have read and responded to where the Dh has bad judgement regarding the kids.Why are these men like this and unwilling to do the responsible disapline or saying no to their kids!
My husband did the same thing.we fought constantly how he wouldnt tell his daughter when she'd done something wrong.Yet he had no problems yelling at the daughter we have together.In fact,he can be real hard on her.
You need to tell him,that he is supposed to be the mature parent and have common sense to do the right thing.Seems to me from these threads many husbands are missing the common sense,LOL.

I'm sorry to hear that the holidays did not go smoothly for you. Christmas should be a time for peace and love with families. But i do understand the turmoil with blended families. I'm the product of one and married as well into it.
If christmas and newyears is the only time you fight and the rest of the year you are fine, i wouldnt' throw the entire relationship out the window. Worse comes to worse, if your DH argues around those times then suggest time apart. I know its crazy during that time to do that...but 2-3 days alone without kids is not bad. When he starts to argue, cut him off, Tell him you will not argue and walk out and do something for yourself.
What exactly did you guys fight about during christmas, ifyou dont mind me asking???? Cause you wrote that you both are fine after the holidays. what exactly did you not agree on??
My holidays we ok. I'm lucky in one sense that we dont have his kids in the morning.so i have my family in the morning, opening gifts and then he picks them up in the afternoon. The only issue unfolding at the moment is his son. There is so much tension with him and his son. My SS is now starting to become a BIG Liar! My DH disciplines him but he wont listen. My DH is frustrated and angry and i was upset cause his son just doesn't appreciate nothing! And my DH sees that and it angers him.
We hada long talk after the biomom came to take them. We both agreed that if he continues down this path he will never live with us. I told him i wont tolerate it. 2 days i can live with every 2 weeks...but his attitude has changed with me but i ptu him in his place right away and his father backs me up. I stated to my DH, even this soon..i dont want him to live with us. His daughter i'm fine with. She has attitude but she's a smart cookie and can be reasoned with. His son....no appreciation...and the lying is so obvious. I've made it obvious that i dont like it. He even pushed my 14 month down so he can play with the piano. My SD told him off and he stated he didnt' push him. We both saw it. I went up to him. Said stop lying, i saw you. I closed the piano and told him to leave the dining room. Later that night his father told him off for over 20 minutes. He started crying of course but i wont accept bullying in this house just because he is being bullied at his mothers from his stepbrother.
Yup...we had a good holiday and a messy one. My husband was elated that he left. Sad for his daughter. It is shocking that he feels this way about his own kids but those are his feelings and i totally understand him. I have advised him that things may change for the better andnot to worry about his relationship with his son. Just to keep open communication and if his son heads down the wrong path there is reallyh nothing he can do. He is not in his life 24/7 ...whenhe gets older, he can work things out. I hope for him. I don't like seeing him sad and i feel bad for this child.
So you see, Sunnygarden, there will be days of hell...but if the rest of the time you are at peace, Why throw it away? WHY GIVE THOSE ungrateful kids the satisfaction of driving you away from the man you love???? Rekindle your friendship. Sit down...talk after the anger has subsided... I really hope you can work things out.
Maria

I feel for you so much. My husband and I raised my daughter and, a year after we were married, got custody of his two sons. It was not easy, especially for me. The boys had severe behavior problems and my husband and daughter didn't get along at times. My husband grew up in a very abusive home, so he doesn't have a clue how to be a father. I felt severe resentment towards all of them. I did the best I could, though. There are times I have regreted it all. Would I do it again? Probably. At least I can sleep at night knowing I did the right things and have done the best I can do. My daughter and husband get along great now, but my stepsons hate me due to their real mom poisoning their minds against me.

Counseling is a good idea, though it never helped us much. We are now free of the kids, stepsons are both moved out--one is back with his mom, one is out on his own. My daughter and her son lived with us for a while, but they are now out as well. Things are great with us being alone, although I know I still have those resentments buried inside.

I guess I haven't helped much, but I just wanted to say that I understand. Feel free to e-mail me anytime you need to vent--nulf4me@yahoo.com.

Karen

I am always so saddened when I read posts like these. SGE, did I ever tell you the story of the step-mom I met when I first started out? I was picking up my step-sons from camp, and for the umpteenth time I was mistaken for the babysitter (I still look much younger than my age). I explained to this camp counselor (a woman in her 50s) I was the children's step-mother, and she said she was one too. Somehow, we got talking about the difficulties of step-parenthood, about bio-moms and the challenges with them. Well, the woman said, "Oh, they kept me on my knees so many times." My immediate thought was for all the *figurative* kicks in the shins she had received like most of us.... but then I realized she was talking about prayer.
I don't know about your faith, whether you believe or not... But the more I read here, the more I find it clear that families and parenting can't be done alone. Particularly those of us involved in step-families, I truly believe that we need to pray, or meditate, or find whatever practice it is that helps us center ourselves/get closer to God/stay in tune with the Universe.... WHATEVER it is, we have to do it as much as possible and as often as possible.
I can tell you, I have made many mistakes, I have said things that I have regretted IMMEDIATELY after, I have held hurt and anger in so much and in so many occasions, I can't tell you how many times I've been on my knees not because I've been praying but because I have felt so defeated...
...but all things pass. We have a duty towards ourselves, but I think that is only through our families. That's what we promised the day we got married, isn't it?
Believe that something can change in therapy, simply believe that something can change. There is always an alternative; I have told my step-kids that so much, so many times, and it is that belief that has made me hold on.
Hang tight, find support, and take good care, OK?

organic maria & kg44, Thanks for the understanding and support. It is nice to know someone can relate to how I feel.

maria you asked what we fought about. There were several things involving the adult step kids. Well it started with 25 year old SD calling the week before xmas crying that she was depressed and unhappy. DH talked with her a long time and hung up saying to SD we will talk tomorrow, he appeared to be concerned. DH & I talked about it and he felt she was truely depressed. I too was concerned for her.

The next day DH tried to call her all day and night long. SD's phone was turned off. DH called SS (her brother) and told SS he was concerned. SS calls biomom (the ex) and gets her involved. The ex calls DH several time, they went back and forth about SD depression. The ex who lives closer to SD went over and checked on SD. It turns out SD is fine she just turned off her phone to save on battery life. SD is fine and feels better in one days time.

Wow was I upset. Here DH & myself are worred all day. I see it as a spoiled 25 year old SD trying to get attention and mommy and daddy to talk to each other. How self centered and selfish of her at 25 years old. I guess I appeared disgusted about the whole thing and DH sensed it. So we walked around stressed with each other.

Second, step kids were vague on what their plans were with bio mom for xmas. DH asked several times. It finally came down to they were spending xmas eve day/night with mom. That is the day we (DH & myself) go to my family, so it works out great. However, SS hinted that they would be at our house xmas eve. I explained to DH I do not want his ex in my home. I explained the step kids should spend xmas eve with their mother at her home, not ours. I know from past history that the adult step kids planned to have bio mom at our new home for xmas eve. I put my foot down, I told DH NO ONE will be spending xmas eve (while were away) in our house. So he was crabby about that.

Third, as you know the ex called several times when SD was saying she was depressed. The ex had not talked with DH for at least a year. There has been no reason for the ex to talk with DH because the step kids are now adults. There has been no situations involving adult step kids which there are any common or necessary concerns that the adult kids can't communicate with their mother on their own.

So DH and I are enjoying the day together when his cell phone rings. It is his ex wondering what to buy the kids for xmas. Now, keep in mind the ex has gotten by the last 5 years purchasing xmas gifts for the adult kids without DH help. Wow, what a way to get to talk with my DH.
I felt the tension between DH & I. We talked and DH admitted that adult SS has begun to say he wished DH and bio mom could talk and be friends. So its the adult step kids again pushing DH to be in contact with the ex when there is no real need.

The ex will get money each month from us until she dies. She gives the kids nothing and has caused nothing but turmoil form day one with DH and I. I do not want her as a friend in our life. There is no need. I can see if the kids get married or if their is a true step kid emergency, health related issue with the kids, that DH needs to talk and be civil to her but NO other reason should be needed. So we argued about that. I asked DH how she got along for 5 years without his advise on what to get the step kids. He was mad at me.

Fourth, we are at my DH's parents on xmas day afternoon. The step kids are there too. Everyone is having a great time, but SD. She barely will talk with anyone. Only sits by DH and only talks with him. It creates tension for the entire family (the step kid's grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.). One of my DH's sisters came up to me and says why is your SD (her niece) acting so rude. I just reply I don't know. When I want to say: she is a spoiled brat, like her mother. We had to leave early becuase SD wanted to leave. The step kids came to our place right after xmas day to spend a couple days and open our xmas presents to them. SD was fine the whole time she was at our house. I asked her if she had fun at grandma's place. SD responded with a negative it is so loud. I wanted to say something like can't you put up with it for just one day.

I feel sorry for DH having such spoiled, inconsiderate, self centered, bratty children. I can feel the tension and stress between DH & I when the kids are around.

As soon as the kids left our home everything was good again. But from previous experience, these kids will continue to cause trouble, turmoil and stress in our marriage. They will continue to try and get their mom and dad back together. They will do anything to cause trouble for us. I guess it is working because as I said, all we did was fight and argue. All of it has something to do with his adult spoiled step kids.

Sorry so long but you did ask. Thanks for listening. Please respond if you would like.

Hey there,

mmmm...alot of stuff here....One thing for sure. You have involved yourself way too much with your DH's kids ..adults now. If your DH wants to be friends with his ex that is his decision. Do you feel that your DH and her will get back together??? If you have no worries about that then the friendship should not bother you. My DH has friends that disgust me. I basically tellhim, they are not to set foot in my house but he is more than free to be friends with them and go out with them. i want nothign to do with them.
I know you have alot of resentment for his ex and his kids. Let go....really..those feelings will destroy you. They will eat you alive. There is not way your hubby and his ex will get back together. That one you should count on. The depression is also the fathers to deal with. I know you care...but step back and wipe your hands clean of his kids welfare and his ex and your hubbies relationship with both parties. You must step back....cause it has started resentment between you and your spouse.
I give you this advice because it happened to me...it caused great tension with me and my hubby...but the day i told him do not involve me with problems of your kids, your ex...and i wiped my hands clean of it...I felt better , my relationship improved. Even now, his son is now turning into a liar...i dont really care. I stated my feelings to him and told him, based on your sons behaviour, i will nto have him live with me. /Period!
You are completely correct in what you did putting your foot down withthe ex in the house. I would have done the same thing. Tell your husband that because of past events, you have no relationship with his ex or his kids and for him to respect your wishes that you do not want to deal with them unless its over at someone elses house. But not yours. He can be friends with his ex...its his business to do so...but you dont feel comfortable.
I know resentment..i would hate to have to pay someone until the day she dies..that would piss me off to no end. My DH doesn't have to ...thankGOD...But if your husband doesn't see your feelings....you guysmust have a talk again.
oh yah...you've stated your feelings on his kids....dont show your emotion anymore on that. It doesnt do you guys good..you've said it to him. Keep it to yourself or among friends. But dont harp on him...it will make things worse.
All in all...try to let go of the feelings. Put it in your mind, that these are not your problems, those are your DH problems and let him deal with them. Likei said before...if all is well the rest of the time...then step back at christmas time. But i agree with you 100% about the ex in teh house. That is your new house. They can stick it out at their moms!!!
oh yah...when the kids are rude at an event. You dont leave early because of them! They are adults...tell them to get off their *SS and leave!

Wise words, Maria --

Distance yourself Sunny. These are your husband's children, not yours. So if SD is depressed and DH is concerned, express your empathy to your DH for his feelings of worry about his daughter. Let your DH handle his kids however he sees fit, and just tell him you support his decisions to the extent that you possibly can. If his ex wants to talk to him and he doesn't mind, unless you have a real concern about things getting re-kindled, just let it go.

On the house thing, your DH needs to let his ex know how he feels about having her there when either he or you are not home. Heck, he might even have the same conversation with his own adult kids! Of course, if the ex used to live there, the boundary issue is messy and a new house would be better.

Thanks organic maria,

You always see things so clearing. I think sometimes I do get to involved and try to help out to much, which gets me into trouble. I will try to step back and detach myself. It is so hard when you love your DH and you want to help him and the kids he so loves. I will tell myself when I am getting to close or involved to stop and let it go.

Thanks again for the advise.

Wow. Reading your message, I felt like I could have written it myself. I am at a point in my relationship where I feel it's not worth it. I'm not married, but I live with the father of 3 boys. Two of them live with us full time. I'll tell my story another time. Take care of yourself.

Linny

Hi Sunny,

I hope you're in better spirits for the new year. I'm late to this thread, and you've gotten lots of good advice, but wanted to chime in since we've had several awful holidays over the last 17 years.

We started going away for Christmas every few years. Yes, taking a vacation. SD and SS are adults now, but we started doing it when the kids were elementary age. My family was shocked and insulted the first time but my mom and sis totally understand now. Announce it well in advance, so people don't make plans to spend Christmas at your house.

If we're going away we skip the decorations, hand out gifts early in the month, enjoy a drama-free, romantic, holiday week (or 2) in New Orleans/Mexico/Hawaii/Tahoe, and let them fight it out amongst themselves. It even makes the New Years Eve drama more tolerable when we have a vacation afterglow!