It depends on the age of the step child and the relationship between them.

I agree, you can't force someone to send a gift to be fair but it does depend on the age of the child. I have been a Step parent and taken the kids shopping for their bio mom's gift (birthday, xmas, mother's day) because it's the right thing to do.

If my feelings were hurt that I was the only one that he/she didn't buy a gift for, if they are old enough, you can tell them how you feel.

Couple questions before I can weigh in:
How close are friend and her SM? Was SM a part of her life growing up, or is she an 'addition' later in your friend's life?

I think it makes a difference in the gift buying world - I always bought my grandmother a b-day gift, but when my grandfather remarried after her death I only sent a card to my step-grandmother. This wasn't to be disrespectful, but more because I didn't know her well and wouldn't know what to get, how she would react, etc.

I dont know. I send my sister a gift, but her husband a call and and a card. I think the issue may be that the daughter veiws the stepmom as husband's wife and the stepmom wants to be viewed as a mom. I have to ask, how old was the daugher when your friend married, and did stepdaugher live with them full time, EOW or what?

Yeah, not enough information here.

How old is the daughter? How long has SM been SM? Was SM involved in raising daughter at all? Does SM and SD have a parent-child type relationship or more of an in-law type relationship? "thought the bio-dad should not have allowed his daughter to make distinctions like that." but this is a grown adult, so her dad is not (now) "allowing" her to do anything-- was this the precedent dad set from the beginning, so daughter just assumes it's what's expected?

In the grand scheme of things, this hardly seems worth getting annoyed about. The only way I'd see it differently was if SM was actively involved in raising the girl from the time she was young AND father always took daughter out to buy SM a birthday present when she was a child (setting the precedent), then daughter grew up, moved out, and suddenly decided SM and only SM doesn't get birthday gifts. Then it sort of becomes a "you're not really my parent" statement.

My family doesn't really do birthday presents among the adults, but the way I do christmas gifts is that my stepmom who became my SM when I was a young teen, gets a gift just like my "real" parents. My mom's boyfriend (living together 15 years, raised his kids together) does not; not because they're not married (they're not, but might as well be and either way I don't care) or because I don't like him (I don't, actually, but that's not why I don't get him xmas gifts) but because I was grown and out of the house when they got together and he is not a "parent-figure" to me, the relationship is more like that with my sisters-in-law (who also don't generally get gifts from me although I do like them).

I thought the point of remembering someone's birthday was that you remembered it, not the value of the remembrance.

If everyone in the household is getting a present on their birthday except the SM, that's not very nice. I don't care what kind of relationship they have, for how long, and all that.

A card and phone call is something, however.

No one can be made to give a gift, but maybe if someone points out the discrepancy and unkindness to SD, she may be willing to modify her behavior. It doesn't sound like DH will be the one to do this, though.

Quiet One,

So if send my sister and her children gifts, I should also be sending her husband? I dont know who came up with that rule? Everyone draws lines somewhere. In my family, I give gifts to children and to my mom and that is it. But if I gave to my sister, I dont think my BIL would get bent out of shape. Actually the only thing I think he would get annoyed at is if I got Steelers tickets for her and me and not him.

Until we hear more facts, I have to question whether this is SM is just a person who thinks teh world revolves around her, and that by marrying dad, she is deserving of kids treating her parri passu as a mom. Not always true.

Thanks to all of you for responding. Sorry-- I don't know that much about the relationship except that my friend has been a stepparent to the girl since she was younger. Not sure how the custodial arrangement was worked out and whether she just saw her stepdaughter on weekends or something (I don't think her husband had sole custody, or I'd be surprised if he did). But my own feeling is that it is wrong (it is sort of cruel), it is the girl's way of saying "these are the people I care about the most, and you are not one of them. These are the people that warrant gifts-- you don't make the cut."

I guess I disagree. I certainly don't think SD meant to be cruel, I think the stepdaughter was trying to be nice, and SMs DH has already weighed in. I think the presents for all is a child type issue, and adults should understand that not everyone gets treated the same. Wouldnt you expect a child to care more about dad and siblings than stepmom? especially if dad did not have full custody?

Do you ever give gifts to a friend? Does that mean you also give to friend's spouse?

I hear you are saying that your friend has been stepmom since child was "younger", which I dont know if that means 2 years, 5 years, high school etc.

I think part of the problem is that "stepmom" covers a lot of territory. Except in the rare cases where Dad has sole custody, and has had for a number of years, SM may be regarded by the kids as Dad's wife. Which IMHO, shouldnt be regarded as disrespectful. But it is family one step removed.

I think what your friend is experiencing and what others are explaining here is just another example of how SMs usually end up with the short end of the stick when it comes to recognition from the SKs. I've been a SM to 2 boys, now ages 11 and 13, for 9 years. We have them EOW. If they happen to be around when we're celebrating my bd, DH will get me a gift from them. If they're not, there's no acknowledgment of it by them. (DH does get me a gift from our DS, 6.) I have no expectation that, when the SSs are grown that I will EVER receive any recognition of my bd. I'd be shocked if they recognized their dad's bd, much less DS. However, when they are there EOW, I am responsible for making sure there are plenty of snacks, drinks, meals prepared, clean linens, etc. (I also make sure to consult with them on a bd gift for their dad from them and of course, I get it and pay for it for them.) I have always acted in a caretaker, ie, "mother," role, when they visit, but they do not see me that way. I "got" that years ago and don't expect much from them, which means I'm never disappointed! So, long story short, if your friend gets ANY bd recognition from the adult SD, I think she's faring better than most and ought not to dwell on it.

I think a card IS a gift.
Being remembered with a phone call and a card is a nice thing for a stepchild to do for a stepparent. The stepparent should be gracious and say "thank you" -- accept the kind sentiments for what they are.

IMO, it's never a good idea to compare gifts, because if you're the kind of person who keeps score, you're rarely liable to like what you see. So is StepMom's gift of equal value to Dad's? Gee - wonder what that means? Does it mean StepChild loves StepMom exactly as much as BioDad? (Probably not, but maybe.) Does it mean StepChild considers StepMom to be so superficial that the monetary value of the gift will be "scored" for appropriateness? (Hope not - That's certainly offensive!) Is it StepChild's "one cost fits all" gift-giving philosophy? (Lot's of people seem to have it -- Doesn't that feel warm and fuzzy?) Or is it pure coincidence? (Maybe - let's agonize over it for a while...)

In some families, people regularly spend huge sums of money for everyone else; in other families, they spend very small sums. In my own family, it has always been emphasized that it was the thought that counted, and home-made gifts were valued most.

If you look for slights, you're bound to find them.
If you feel slighted, it's bound to cause resentment.
If you feel resentment, you're bound to project some negative emotion.
If you project negative emotions, people will respond accordingly,
and you will feel slighted...

If we are ignoring the value of gift/keeping score, I agree that a card is an equal acknowledgement of SM's birthday.

I might send a card to my sister, but never to her husband. Not as a sign of delibrate disrepect, but because I don't know when his birthday is and I don't know him. I would probably be a better sister if I did. I seriously doubt I cause hurt feelings on a yearly basis in that household.

I believe it would be rude to acknowledge some birthdays and ignore the others in the household I lived in. It's really how this is perceived and if one accepts the social ranking SMs generally hold.

Gee and if stepchildren spend EOW at Dads and the rest of the time at moms, should the spend (8/30) per average gift amount for SM and (22/30) for mom. [This was meant to be absurd]. My reaction is that I stopped having birthdays many years ago. People can call me whenever they want.

"you don't make the cut". Somebody always doesn't make the cut. Somebody is always going to be the friend that would have been bridesmaid if I'd had one more bridesmaid. Someone is always going to be the next person in line who would have been invited to the dinner party if I were having a slightly larger dinner party. Someone is always going to be the person I'd have visited if I'd gotten away for *just one more weekend* this year. If you are going to go through life paying so much attention to what everyone else is getting compared to what you are getting, you are always going to be disappointed. (ok, that's exactly what sweeby said) Plus, everyone is always going to think they belong a little bit higher on your totem pole. Should stepmom be treated exactly like dad, otherwise stepmom will get her feelings hurt? Should dad be exactly equal to mom, or dad will get his feelings hurt? Wait, does that mean mom and stepmom are exactly the same, mom might not agree, now mom's got her feelings hurt? Once you start playing the comparison game and trying to keep everything "equal" and "fair" you quickly learn that it's impossible. If you are going to get your feelings hurt every time someone treats you in a way that you can imagine is not quite as good as they treat someone else, well, again, everything sweeby said.

I agree that a card is a gift from a child to an adult. Some people just place more of a value on birthdays and gifts than I do, I guess.

I think SM should be happy with a card and a call. I would have been happy to receive either from my oldest SD, who ignores my BD and then expects that I go to her bday parties (nearly every year) and give her gifts.

In my opinion, if SD has a policy on sending a card and a making a call to SM on her bday then SM should do the same for her.

To acknowledge someone's birthday, in whatever manner, is a very kind thing.

I would have been happy with a card and a call. She is lucky she got anything, the call was especially a nice thing to do. I never get a call from my own children, much less the steps. My husband did object to his daughter sending him a Valentine card without including me in the greeting. A couple of weeks later she sent him an E-Card via my email. Didn't upset me, I thought she was acting like a spoiled brat. LOL

"In my opinion, if SD has a policy on sending a card and a making a call to SM on her bday then SM should do the same for her. "

I would assume a present is sent "from dad and sm". I assume no one would suggest the card just be signed dad? I can see confursion/resentment when dad expects his wife to shop for gift (as he might ask her to buy gift for secretary, etc) and wife says to herself why should I buy gift for SD.

My daughter never gave any gifts to her step-mother. Why should she?

In fact her current step-mother just became ex-step mother 2 weeks ago.

In fact my ex left her for another woman who he is planning on moving in together and possibly eventually marrying. LOL.

And prior to marrying the one he just left he lived with another wioman for 5 years, although she was not legally a step-mom she still played the role.

So soon my daughter who is 19 will have her 3rd step-mother! So for how many step-moms does my daughter is supposed to buy gifts? She lost the count! lol Can't keep up with the names let alone buy them all gifts.

Unless children were completely raised by a step-parent why to expect more than a card?

Fine, This is too funny. I hope it doesnt effect DD.

It does become a joke when Daddy continues to marry, divorce and remarry numerous times.

There are situations that are not like that, however. And in those situations, If SK's want to send a card, make a call or buy a gift or do something to somehow acknowledge SM's birthday, that is a great thing. It is thoughtful and it helps to foster a good relationship.

I do think most SM's would be providing a gift and a card for SK on their birthday, in conjunction with Dad, whether or not SM got a gift for her birthday. I think SM's do this happily if SK bothers to call or send a card for her own BD. If they ignore it, SM gets the message.

My youngest SD always gets me a card and calls on my birthday and that makes me very happy. The fact that she remembers me on my birthday is enough. And we do give her a nice birthday gift each year. I'm happy to do it for her.

My oldest SD never calls, never sends a card or in any way acknowledges my birthday, though she knows when it is. But every year she has a party for her birthday and for her husband's birthday and we go every year and we bring a nice gift and a card.

She completely ignored my birthday again this year, and that's fine. I didn't expect anything different. She also ignored the fact her Dad had surgery just after my birthday and he was pretty hurt over that.

Two weeks later she called her Dad to invite him to her birthday party. He told me he wasn't going to go and he was going to send a card.

I don't know if he signed my name to it or not. I didn't ask and he didn't say. But was I going to pick out a gift and a card for her? No.

Hello thurman, Tell your girlfriend that she is pretty lucky to get a card and a phone call. I have been with DH 8 years and have never once received either from my two SKs. They lived with us (SS 3 years & SD 1 year) and I gave them birthday gifts, but never onced received a thing from them. They usually call DH and sometimes give a card and/or gift. They always get bio mom something for her birthday and remind DH that it is their bio mom's birthday. Which DH ignores.

So tell her to be greatful that they at least they acknowledge her birthday. I sure wish my SKs would acknowledge mine in some way. And yes, it hurts every year they ignore my birthday.

"I think the issue may be that the daughter veiws the stepmom as husband's wife and the stepmom wants to be viewed as a mom."

I don't think this is always the case. There are many cases where SM doesn't try to be viewed as mom.

When someone ignores your BD, SK or not, and they do so over and over again, especially after you always remember theirs, and they are an adult and know how to dial a phone or sign a card and put it in the mail, then shame on them.

It is funny. He is only 40, and is very healthy and youthful so can you imagine how many step-moms can he give to my daughter in his life time? DD better get well-paid job after college to provide gifts for all of them on their BDs. LOL

DD does not care anymore, she says "dad is just being dad". LOL I am glad she was never too involved with her multiple step- moms LOL

She has OK relationship with her dad and really does not care much about his personal life. But she is upset about her 8-year-old brother, my ex's son with his second wife. My DD's brother refuses to speak to his dad because he left the family. No wonder...

Thanks folks for such good responses. It's clear that most folks think a card and a call is a nice thing for the SD to do for her SM. Even though she will buy a nice present and ship it for her Dad and also for her brother. I guess my friend's feeling is that they are a "family" and there ought not to be any division like that within a family. She is probably being unrealistic, because her SD does not see her as part of her "real family" as her dad, brother, and her biological mother (and her half-siblings on that side).

I think if your friend views it that way she is hurting herself unnecessarily. SD may regard her SM as "real family", just not quite as close as Dad and brothers. Others have said this better than I, that there is no need to look for slights, etc.

It's the thought that counts.A card is better then nothing.

My step children dont even get their dad a gift,so I could hardly expect them to get me one.

Your friend is insecure and childish. A card and a phone call are lovely things to receive. A phone call is very, very respectful. I really don't like my stepkids spending money on me. I don't expect it, don't want it. (But they do for Christmas and I alway blush). And When they send cards and call on my birthday (about 50% of the time for the boy--he's the forgetful one and most of the time for the girl) I am delighted and honored. I never get gifts on my birthday and I had 'em when they were young, too. Why, half the time the boy forgets my birthday and I never mention it. I really understand and never expect it. Then, when I least expect it, he remembers. Kids have enough to deal with these days, including expenses. Coming from divorced parents hurts them. Tell your friend to stop it, and take what they give lovingly. Ease up. Of all things, I can't believe this.

I think KKNY is right - if you look for something negative in a situation you can always find it. Take is as a slight, or take it as a pleasant treat. It's all in the way you see things.