Don, did you ever apologize to your family for your behavior? I think they would love to know how you feel, if you haven't told them already. ;-)

Thank you so much, Don, for posting! It's very encouraging to all of us stepmoms. And I agree with what Blueheron said ... :-)

Hi Don, I too am "just another stepkid", twice over in fact. One horrible experience with a step mother I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy and another who I tortured (largely because of my experience with step #1) but who loved me anyway and stuck it out. I too was the step child from hell! I have often apologized to my step mother for my mean and hurtful behaviour and we have shed a tear or two over it. Blueheron is absolutely right, telling them how you feel and apologizing will go a long way to repairing eveyone's hurt. It's never too late.

Thanks for the post. I think the step child perspective is surprisingly lacking on this board.

I waited years to get a hug from my stepdaughter, and to hear my stepson introduce me and his bio-father as his "parents" for the first time made most of the "fifth wheel" feeling go away. I agree that it's never too late.

I get....used to get hugs from two of my three step children, but that is just a superficial thing. When the chips were down and I needed their help in caring for their dad, they didn't help. One of them said she "if he is that bad he should be put in lock up". After 30 years of not putting my husband in the middle between me and his kids I have broken off with them AND he fully understands.

I guess I'm lucky. While I'm not yet married to my love, his grown son will talk about his Dad and I as his parents. I always feel so good. I will never have my own children, and to be accepted by him is so great. It means the world to me really. :)

gbirdy, you are so lucky. I do not know anyone else in my circle of friends and family where this has turned out as your's has. A couple of my steps have said they love me, that I have been like a mom to them, etc., but when the chips are down they don't follow through, it's just words. They talk about me behind my back, not to my husband, but to others. It gets back to me, our grand daughter told me one time, "Grandma, I love you inspite of what they say about you", BUT when her grandpa was in the hospital near death she didn't even visit him or call to comfort me. If I had the foresight to see this kind of stress down the road I would not have married my husband. It's not worth it. In fairness to them, how can I expect them to care about me when they only visit their father once a year, unless of course they need money. It's awful having them in my home when I know how they feel about me. 30 years of this.............

This is AR_Dramaqueen, Don_na_na's daughter. I'm sure you wouldn't want to kiss my stepmother on the cheek, she was really evil.
My parents divorced when I was a year old. My Father got his girlfriend of that time pregnant. Then left her. Later he married my stepmother. I was just a few years old and she had a son that was one year older than me. When I was 5, she had my halfsister. She never let it go that my halfbrother and I weren't blood kin. My halfbrother, the one my father's GF had. Got to visit one time when he was 2. My SM gave him a whipping because he played with my baby sister's toys. He never came back. I am 18 now and I just got to meet my brother, for the first time since that weekend, when I turned 16, he was 14 at the time.

That's only what happened to him though. I unfortunately had to visit my father and stpmother every other weekend. Once she even told my stepbrother thats one year older than me, but made 2 of me, to hit me in the back of the head as hard as he could with a baseball.
She saw my SB holding me down in the floor one day choking me and walked right on by. My Halfsister was 5 then, and she walked past the door and saw what he was doing and went screaming to get my SM to help. He was choking me because I had decided I wanted to play Nintendo and the Nintendo was in his room. My Father had said it belonged to all of us but my SB decided I didn't need to play.
My SM had a paddle she whipped us with. It was made of wood and had a handle. It always seemed to me that she had it made because she figured she'd use it a lot, and she did. Every time I went up to see them I got paddled. Most of the time it wasn't even my fault. I was always shy when I got there. At home with my mom and stepdad I could be childlike, but when I stepped into my SM's house I would become the quietest kid you ever saw. I guess I was trying to help the situation. She would paddle me for stupid stuff though. Once, my little halfsister dumped a box of cards in the floor. I had been sitting in the living room with my Father and SM , but had walked to the back of the house just as my Sister dumped the cards. I was standing in the hall talking into the room at her. My Dad could see me from where he was sitting and still my SM said "Against the wall" which ment, put your hands against the wall like a police pat down and get paddled. Needless to say, I was the one that got paddled, not my sister.
Stuff like that happened until I was 11, when the baseball incident I mentioned happened. Mom refused to make me go back after that.
Around other adults my stepmother always acted nice. She smiles a lot around them. When I see her outside of their house, even to this day, she smiles at me and says I should come visit. I know she doesn't mean it though.
Anyway, kiss all the stepmothers in the world that you want to. I'm not saying you shouldn't. A lot of stepparents are great. My stepfather married my mom when I was 5 and I even call him "Dad." He's been more of a father to me than my real one.
My real Dad let my SM rule his life to much. He hardly ever came to see me in school stuff. I was in drama from 8th to 12th grade. I did 2 plays a year. One play a year was always musical. I got school awards for them.I'm really into drama and singing. I was also in choir since the 4th grade. He came to one play, and no choir concerts.
So just remember, not all steps are nice. A lot are but not all.
Thanks for reading
AR_Dramaqueen

Don na na, I am so sorry that as a little girl, someone treated you like that. That a grown woman would be so mean spirited and cruel that she would hurt a child. I am sorry that your brother ( in all of the innocence of a child ) was also hurt by this woman, and denied a relationship with his father and his siblings, for reasons beyond his understanding. And that your step siblings lost the opportunity to develop a good and healthy relationship with you. This is such a painful example of divorce and how it can affect the lives of children when families are divided and step parents become involved. Bless the wonderful people who find themselves in this role and strive to be kind, and fair, and nurturing to the children of their spouse. For those who walk the difficult path of respecting the natural parents, but look for ways to be a blessing to the children of their spouse, and to remind themselves that the children did not choose this situation, but are unwilling participants, and hurting. For those in this role, can you try and picture yourself as the child you once were and try and imagine what it must feel like if your mom or dad had divorced and married " Joe-Schmoe " or whomever and that person was now your parent. how would you want that person to treat you?

Don na na, I am also sorry that your father let you down. That he was not the "man" you needed him to be. That he was weak, and did not stand up to this woman who was hurting his child. That he stood by and allowed a woman to do this is painful. Men, for those of you who re-marry...Stand up like men to these women! They will respect you for it and so will your children. Try and be strong, kind and fair to your children and your wife. If you re-marry, remember how important it is "who" you choose to be your spouse. Are they kind? Do they truly "like" children? what kind of parent will they be? What are they like when they are angry? Are they patient? Will they be a blessing to your children (first) amd you also? Or are they manipulative, petty, vengeful, jealous, etc?

Oh my goodness, I wrote the message last year and never came back to read a reply. I just found what was written, bnicebkind, and I thank you for reading this and understanding and for your support.
thank you,
AR_Dramaqueen

Hi Don na na! It's good to hear from you! I wondered if you ever checked the boards any more. Its been along time since you and I posted. how are you?

The original posting on this thread is old, but the back and forth is timeless. I'd gladly accept that cheek kiss from Don. I'm doubtful whether I'll ever get one from my stepdaughter, but perspective is hard to come by on matters so close to the heart as the relationship between stepkids and stepmoms.

In general, stepmothering is a difficult and a thankless job. Kids resent having a woman who isn't their mother laying down rules and stepmoms acquire a pile of responsibility without any of the appreciation and affection that would lessen the stress and soften the blow.

My stepmothering was made worse by the fact that I was a full-time custodial stepmom with no child support from the biomom and the breadwinner for my new family. Plus, my stepkid had been bucking parental authority since she'd been in diapers and had learned to creatively disregard anything her parents told her. And they, being wrapped up in their college classes and increasingly separate orbits, were happy to let the kid raise herself. I came into the picture to "rescue" this man and his daughter from a desperately threadbare life (after the biomom had walked out on them) with far too much idealism and hope. The past 8+ years have been bitterly disappointing, painful and frustrating.

All I wanted from my stepdaughter was honesty and for her to show some personal responsibility. The trajectory of childhood starts with total dependence and ends with total independence. Along the way, a kid should be making compromises. I'll keep my room clean, so I can play after school. I'll do my chores so that I can have some money to spend. I'll be polite so that I can earn some special consideration. The world, and families in particular, seem to thrive on such bargains.

But my stepdaughter saw me alternately as an obstacle and a resource. The only time she ever referred to me a "mom" was when we were shopping once and she wanted to buy quite a few more things that we'd had on our shopping list. To this day, that thought brings tears to my eyes.

Whether or not the kid learned any of the things that I tried to teach her -- be honest with the people close to you, hold up your side of a bargain, don't look down on other people just to make yourself feel good, do your share of the work, be responsible, try to earn your keep even if you can't quite manage it (most of us survive in large part through the kindness of others) and so on -- is up for grabs. She spent a whole lot of time whining to everyone who would listen that all of the other kids in the known universe got whatever they wanted just for the asking and that I was a horrible hateful person for making her "different".

Stepkid and stepmom roles can both be terribly painful. Sometimes I think parents have a built-in immunity to the faults of their own kids, something built into our brains that allows even the worst of brats to survive childhood. But, when it comes to other people's kids -- even or especially our spouse's -- there are other factors at work, factors that make it harder for us to love and accept these kids as unconditionally as we would our own.

Loving a stepkid requires a lot of tolerance, compassion, patience and humility. I have loved my stepdaughter, but I've also hated her at times. She never really gave me a chance, she never cared how I felt or what I wanted and she never accepted me as a part of her family.

Most stepkids probably will never understand how difficult a role their stepmothers played and how little reward was ever derived from it. Unless they end up stepparents themselves, they just won't get it.

Stepmothering is like looking for flowers in the desert. They show up now and then but, even then, they're probably hard to pick and not meant for YOU.

All that I hope for with respect to my stepdaughter is that some of the seeds that I tried to plant in her life will bloom someday and maybe she'll be a little bit "mine" whether or not she ever recognizes that fact.

bnicebkind,
I am so glad you saw my reply. I felt bad for not saying anything for so long. When I wrote the story, I had just gotten out of high school. In August, I started college. It is great. I love it. I have almost completed my first year, and have had a very good time this year. I met so many new people, and learned so many different things. It is really exciting.
Let's see, the last thing I told everyone was that I got to meet my half-brother. I don't think that I went into detail. My daddy said that my little sister was to have no contact with my brother. He also said that I could not have contact with my brother, but we told him he didn't have any say in that. That all happened before my story above.
Well, a couple of months ago, my half-sister and I started talking over the internet every couple nights or so. That was a big jump from a couple of phone calls a year. Well, she is at the age where she is realizing she has a mind of her own. After we had been talking for a while, she brought up our half-brother. She asked a lot of questions, and she told me that she knew that my mom had told our dad about my step-mom when Daddy called to complain about me trying to get my sister to be able to talk to our brother. Well, she told me that she knew it wasn't true, and I had to tell her what her mom did so that she wouldn't think I was spreading rumors. I though it was time she knew. After that, she asked more questions and finally wanted to talk to our brother. So a few nights later, I put them on 3-way calling (a very good invention by the way), and they had their first conversation. That went on for about a month, they called eachother without me, I just got them started. I was kinda the ice breaker. Then, my sis let a piece of information that only our brother could have told her to her mom. My step-mom found out they were talking. I think it ticked her off, but my sis said there was nothing my SM could do about it. So now, all of us kids know eachother. I'm so glad. I thought my sis would have to be 18 before being able to meet him. It all turned out pretty good.
So, how are you doing?
AR_Dramaqueen

It is good to hear that you are building a relationship with your brother and sister! There is something that each of you share that is important and unique. Although each of you may have had different experiences, some will be shared, and validate what each of you felt. As you grow older, and look around you at the various people you know or observe, you will see that some people are better equipped than others to parent a precious child. Their temperment is calmer, and they are patient. They are able to put the needs of a child before their own. They enjoy children, and have the ability to be fair and kind. They have the wisdom and maturity to not show favoritism, but to make each child feel special. These are not only the traits of a great teacher, but a wonderful parent too. It is the person who is able to care beyond themselves and their own. Try and cast aside the injustice and hurt you suffered as a little girl. It was NEVER your shortcoming. It was the shortcomings of adults who should have done better.

It was good to hear from you again. We have all realized we are alike in many ways and different in many ways also. I agree with what you said about some being better equipped to parent than others. I noticed that long ago. It is one of the first things I notice about someone that has a child with them: how that are treating their child.
I always knew it was not my fault. I knew I was doing nothing wrong. Atleast I have always had my mother, step-dad, and the rest of my family, which is quite large including the extended family. We are all pretty close. I am very glad about that.

It is wonderful to know that you have your mom, step-dad, and an extended family who cared for you. Your half sister grew up with your step mom...who seems to have a short fuse, and a quick temper. I don't believe that people plan to be bad parents...I think they find themselves in the role of parent, and are overwhelmed with the responsibility, and the antics of children. Where some people enjoy children, perhaps she found children irritating. instead of finding joy and love and laughter in children, perhaps she found that they make her uptight. Or perhaps she is parenting in the same way that her parents (parented her) and she did not understand that there is a different/better way to respond to children.

Anyway, have you seen the show super-nanny? As you can see, the job of raising children today is not for the faint-hearted! LOL

Glad to hear you are doing well!

well, my step-mother was different with her blood children. She mainly acted the way she did toward my half brother and I. She was my half-sister's birth mother. My Daddy and step mother spoil my little sister. They give her everything she wants. She even talks back to my SM like when she told her she couldn't do anything about her knowing our HB. My SM just doesn't like my Daddy's kids I guess.
I like Supernanny there was a marathon of that show on over Mother's Day weekend on ABC Family channel.
Did you watch it?
AR_Dramaqueen

I have known some women like this, and I don't really understand it. I was reading the step parent site the other day, and read about how angry they get with their new husband when he wants to help out his children financially. I wonder if they would be steaming mad if their bio-kids needed money for a car or something, and he agreed to help them financially. Their resentment runs deep. I have not walked in their shoes, so maybe they feel justified for some reason. On another note... We were on a two day field trip recently in the hot sun. A friend of mine who was a chaperone had a huge/family size cooler stuffed to the brim with drinks and snacks, and two bottles of sun tan lotion. ( several of the kids were getting a serious sun burn, but she said they should have brought their own sun tan lotion, and they could not use hers). all of the kids were hungry and thirsty and pleading for a drink and snacks. She actually told them no. And proceeded to only give her 11 year old child drinks and snacks in front of all the other kids. You have to realize that like 6 of these kids were the children of very close friends of hers! Even though they only allowed 3 parents to chaperone on this trip, she only cared about her child. She really showed her true colors that day. It told me alot about her. It is that mentality, that you only care for your own that is astounding. The friends of hers would have been really upset if they saw how she treated their children. I have never said anything, but I now know that she would not ever go out of her way to help my kids, or anyone else's.

That was just wrong of her to do that to those poor kids! If that were me I would give them my own drink and food if they wanted it, but thats is just how I am. I don't see how she could have been so cold hearted.
AR_Dramaqueen

It is that mentality that they only care for their own. they only do things that help their own. it is about them and what others can do for them.

Anyway, hoping all is going well for you. Have you talked to your half sister and brother since you last wrote? Are you getting to know them? Do you talk to your father at all? Does your half brother have a stong family behind him like you? How does he feel about how things turned out?

bnicebkind,

sorry i haven't written in a while, I have had a VERY busy summer. My aunt passed away on the last day of school, the day i had to move back home and take my last final. She had cancer, she fought it for about 4 yrs. We have had to go through her things. Plus, there have been so many other things going on, too.
we grew a small garden and people that my Sdad work with keep giving us vegetables, so recently we have been canning things. In fact, I just got done with canning for the night. Anyway, on to my siblings....

i talk to my little sister almost every day or so online, through messenger. My little brother still depends solely on the telephone so we don't get in touch as much, but i do talk to him every once in a while, i got a letter from him the other day. I think he mainly grew up with his mom and grandmother. He has siblings, though i'm not sure how many. He seems like he has been brought up pretty good though. He is interested in sqaure dancing and as far as i know, gets descent grades. He is really nice, too.

My Daddy and I very rarely talk. I call if i need to ask him something. He never calls. I did see him the other day though. We talked for a few minutes. Mainly, I hear about Daddy through my sister.

HOw have you been since we last talked? It was nice to hear from you again.

AR_Dramaqueen

Hi Don na na! My subscription is going to expire soon, and I do not know if I will renew it yet. I am glad to hear that you are developing a friendship with your brother and sister. I imagine it is comforting for each of you to know each other is there. I am hoping that over the years as you each become adults, that this is something that brings you joy and comfort and hope. May you each strive to put the past behind you, and the hurt, and to be excellent to one another....to be that soft place for one another where you are accepted as you are, loved and cherished. I wish you well.

I seek out the posts from stepkids on here and wish there were more. It provides some insight into their perspective, since my own stepkids won't share theirs. My situation is getting better and I hope it will someday be like Don's (the initial poster) is now. My step kids also dealt with a mean step mother #1 before I entered the picture and that seemed to have paved the way for a LOT of insanity I had to endure before they came to trust me.